bad memories of the past are destroying our future..

[confused41]

I'm new to this forum but I hope someone can help me out here. I posted this in Getting back Together but am taking some advice and posting it here also.

My boyfriend and I had been together 3 years, living together 2 yrs, by far the best years of my life. Summer came and we had to be apart. Despite good intentions, things went downhill. After staying up all night drinking with a former interest from high school (nothing happened but I still felt guilty), I decided I couldn't take it anymore and broke up with my boyfriend. We had serious communication, or lack thereof, issues, I had commitment issues (my first serious relationship, scared me a lot), and in an inebriated state believed I could like someone else.

 

I felt horrible breaking up with him and took just a few hours to realize the mistake. I spent the next six days or so trying to get him back. I wrote huge long emails to tell him how sorry I was, that it was a mistake and we just needed to work on things, I still loved him to death, etc. Calls to him were unreturned. I got one email on the fourth day from him saying he wasn't giving up on us but needed time to think.

 

Finally on the sixth day I received an email from him saying he had spent all of the previous nights with a coworker (he worked at a summer program, so he lived with his coworkers), but no sex. He said he made a mistake and that although this was an unfortunate way to realize it, he realized that I am the only girl he ever wants to be with. The thought made me physically ill that he had been sleeping and hooking up with this girl the entire time I was desperately apologizing. When I received the email I did the only thing I could think of - I called him. I went into a raging fit about how I wanted to marry him and have his kids, and he has now ruined all of that. His response was a sobbing apology, over and over, about how if he had known that none of this would have happened.

 

Fast forward. We worked things out and are living together again. I have told him how much I love him, how dreams of our future together were scaring me to death (I used to hate kids but now I want his), etc. He apologized over and over for giving up on us by being with someone else, and our communication issues are no more.

 

Of course there is a 'but' to this matter. I cannot get over that he slept with this girl. I feel as though he ruined our 'innocence' that we had together, the purity of the relationship is forever tainted. Never in a million years would I have believed he would have done something like this, and so I have lost so much hope in our relationshp. Every time there is the slightest disagreement I worry he is going about how he will react. I already was not fond of this summer program simply because it forces us to be apart every summer, but now everytime someone asks about it I can barely hear the answer ebcause I am so heartsick about what happened. He plans on doing this for at least another year or two and the most casual "why can't you just not do it" sends him on a rant about how much this program did for him when he was a kid. Then there is our physical life too. Before this summer, it was top-notch. Now it is difficult to be intimate, because just getting to the steps of being naked makes me think of what he did when he was hooking up with this other girl.

We have had the same conversations over and over about this summer, he is sorry, I am having trouble letting go of the past. It is getting tiring.

 

Point is, from an outsider's view, I feel as though it is certain that I am in the wrong and I just need to let things go. However, being me and inside my own head, I am finding that so much harder than I thought it would be. I would love any advice, as this issue is beginning to tear us apart and that is the last thing I can handle right now.

Sorry for the long post.

[Akatea]

You can get through this. It just takes TIME. And unfortunately for all of us there are no shortcuts... Believe me. My BF and I are in our third year of our relationship and after all the dramas we have been through, it has mostly been time that heals the wounds. And a love for each other...

[Scotcha]

To a certain extent I am able to relate to how your are feeling... But only because I am "the jealous type" and I am very jealous of my boyfriends past sexual relationships. The thought of him being with someone else makes me feel sick or hurt, even if it was when we weren't in a relationship. But that's my point. We weren't in a relationship and honestly, when your boyfriend did this, neither were the two of you.

 

I understand, I really do, how hurtful this must have been. But bare with me here and try to look at things from his point of view. You dumped him. He trusted you with his heart and when you ended your relationship with him.. Imagine how that must have felt. And then how confusing it must have been when you asked for him back almost right away. Could he trust you enough to not hurt him again if he took you back? That's a hard decision to make.

 

And then, on your end.. As much as you don't like the idea of him being with someone else.. That is what happens when you break up with someone.. They find someone else. You are actually very lucky to have the man you love back in your life and I think you should try very hard to remember that and also to remember how much of a mistake it was to leave him before.

 

Keep in mind that he did nothing wrong. In fact, what he did was very understandable and perfectly acceptable considering that you dumped him.

 

I wish the two of you the best. Don't let your love for him drive you apart. That's not the way it's supposed to work.

[cchurting]

I am going through something identical w. my boyfriend of 3 years.

 

I loved him enough to forgive him. I don't know if it was the right decision but now I question if he is emotionally mature enough for our relationship.

 

Keep trying, if you love him enough. At least you can't beat yourself up for not trying. Just keep your emotions in check so it doesn't destroy what you are working sooo hard to restore.

 

If it doesn't work out, at least you can say you tried your best. In essense, if he leaves because of your anguish about this incident, it probably wasn't meant to be. You CAN control your emotions (to an extent), but you can't conrol how you feel.

 

I know first hand how bad it hurts. It hurts to know that the person you love, was with someone else, while you were emotionally attached to them. It is not the same as the people he was with BEFORE you, because you were not a part of his past.

 

In the end, if you get through this, it will make your relationship more rewarding and stronger. Just getting to that point is the hard part. Hang in there!

[confused41]

hey, just wanted to let you guys know he 'broke up' with me a few days ago. He has been sleeping on the couch and we haven't been going out together except for a 'date'. The date we had was the most wonderful time I'd spent with him since before all this drama started six months ago. But I still dont know what to do, I just feel like I can't understand how sleeping with another girl could have meant nothing compared to me, like he says it does... just because it hurts my feelings so bad that he did, and so soon afterward. Btw, we were only broken up for a couple weeks over the summer, and he slept with the girl starting the next night for a week, if that makes any difference. He has encouraged me to go out and hook up with someone if it makes me feel better about myself, to understand his mindset of it not meaning anything and having no effect on what we have in the present. He has told me I could do anything with anyone and he would still want me in the end, but he wants me back for good, no more thinking about the other girl he was with.... I just dont know what to do, and it is pretty awkward right now since the ball is in my court-- he said it is my decision, he wants to be with me but it has to be for good (as in no more dwelling on the past, at all), and I am unsure of how to do that.

[cchurting]

I am so sorry you are going through this. *HUGS* I know how unbearable the pain is to know the person you love moved on, and so fast.

 

your situation is SO exactly like mine. But in my situation, he waited 2 weeks to hook up with someone else.

 

I did (and still am, to an extent) going through the mass emotions of the whole thing. "does he truly love me if he could move on so soon, will he go back to her" etc. I feel your pain so much, it hurts me to read your post.

 

In retrospect, one piece of advice I wish I would have taken is to take time away from the relationship for a while, just to get the emotions back in check. Fully remove yourself from the situation. No contact if possible.

 

Easier said than done, but you need to heal yourself. It is not about him and the relationship anymore. Don't let it send you into depression like it did me. I only got depressed because I saw him a lot, too soon after I found out. Yeah, it made me happy to see him because I loved him. But it was temporary happiness, because of the thoughts running through my head also made me miserable. Seeing him kept those thoughts running at full speed.

 

I can tell you this, it takes a superhuman to not be able to bring up the past if you make the decision to stay with him. Please, if you do want to give your relationship another shot, take that time away to let the emotions simmer down. LOTS OF TIME! That way, when and if you get back together, you will be less likely to bring up the past. Right now though, it seems impossible for you not to, because now his bonehead actions are comsuming all of your thoughts.

 

So if you can, don't make a decision about your relationship for a long while. Don't even talk to him, just do what makes you happy. Go to the gym, make yourself a nice dinner, etc. Try not to talk to him for at least a couple of weeks, if not months. Like I said before, easier said than done. I only hope I can help someone else from my crappy situation.

 

Time has a funny way of telling you whether something is right or not.

 

Keep us updated on what happens, even if it takes months.

[confused41]

Hey, thanks for the reply. No contact is impossible unfortunately, that's why I said he "broke up" with me in quotes... We live together, and neither of us have financial means to move out. Surprisingly though, the contact is limited, and it does feel like we are just friends now (him on the couch). One great thing about this break is that we both KNOW this time there is an end to it-- when, who knows; but over the summer when I broke up with him I made it clear it was a break up, very possibly permanent. For the first time in six months, when we do go out (twice now), I truly truly appreciate what we have in the present, and am just so happy to be with him that that's all I'm thinking about. And when I do think about the past, I haven't bothered to bring it up, because I just think about how lucky I am to have him be in my life now.

 

Another thing is that yesterday he asked me how I'm doing. I was just mumbling stuff about how I wasn't doing so great, didn't feel like I'd ever move on, didn't want to lose him, and how frustrating it was that even if I wanted to move on I felt like I couldn't because his summer program (where the hook-up happened) is constantly in my face... Wearing sweatshirts from it, little pictures of it, key chains, etc. Usually this has been a sore subject between us, he was so vague about how long he was going to be doing it for.

Anyway finally yesterday when I was talking about how I was, he immediately and out of nowhere swore it would only be for one more summer. He has to do this summer because he already promised, and he will be the head of the program now. Usually the head of the program works longer than 1 summer and this program is a huge deal to him, so for him to make this promise after so many arguments about why he was doing it was just huge, and means a ton to me.

 

I went to the bars the other night without him. He was, it sounds twisted, hoping I would just hook up with someone so I would realize how little it meant when he did. I didn't, but I was approached by a few guys and was paying attention to guys looking at me. The guys at the bar were drunk and creepy but they definitely made me feel as though I could hook up with someone if I wanted... which is another key thing in this whole drama. I have felt like a loser since finding how my bf did while we were broken up, an issue of self confidence. While there I realized I could hook up with someone and "even the score" so to speak, but I also realized it would accomplish nothing because none of them are people I want to be hooking up with, unlike my bf.

 

Basically this break is making me realize that I could be on my own if I wanted, but who I really want is my bf. He has apologized so many times that it is nearly killing him how much he wishes he could take back the past and what he did, and for the first time in the entire three years I've known him he is truly showing he cares, e.g. only doing the summer program one year. However, when I do stop to sit and think about why there is this break, and about what we did, it still feels like I am getting punched in the stomach... and it is so lame but I still think A LOT about the 'purity' of the relationship being tainted now that he has hooked up with someone else. When strangers would ask how long we have been together I still say three years, but then I think... 'wait, he was hooking up with someone else during a week of that..." and feel like a loser and a liar for saying three years. I know it is lame and trivial, but I can't help it.

 

I am reading a book called Forgive for Good in hopes it will help me. We'll see. Thanks for the help, to everyone and especially cchurting.

[cchurting]

I didn't realize you were living together. Sometimes it is hard for me to "read between the lines", or paying more attention i guess.

 

Sounds like you two stand a good chance of surviving if he is willing to make a sacrifice for you.

 

Remember, if two people truly love each other, enough to deal with each others baggage, (*almost) anything can be worked out. The more work you put in to survive, the more rewarding the relationship is. It has to be healthy though.

 

Just say "three years on and off" when people ask, unless it feels weird. Thats what I say anyway.

 

I hope that book works for you. I should check it out too.

 

P.S. If it makes you feel any better, I am still with my boyfriend after he made his dumb mistake. That was 7 months ago. Its been very on and off though, but the love is still there.

[confused41]

Well, thanks for your support, but I am pretty discouraged at this point. Sure, he has made sacrifices and such, but the fact remains that I feel crappy about myself for the fact that he jumped in bed with another girl first chance he got. I don't foresee that feeling of being disposable going away anytime soon, either. I know I broke up with him first, blah blah blah, but I still think about what he did too much to enjoy any long periods of time with him. Even though the thoughts of the past are getting fewer and farther between, when I do think about it, it's just as bad as before. I still feel like crap, for the first time ever he has someone to compare me too (yeah we were both pretty innocent before each other), another long summer is ahead with him living in the other girl's old room (so when I visit I will have the joy of sleeping in the same bed that he slept with her in), when I see people making out on TV that shouldn't be (i.e. people involved in affairs) I always think of him and the other girl... It's just ruining everything, so I think at this point things feel pretty doomed. We have five more months of living together though... this should be interesting...

Once again though, I really appreciate the support.

[cchurting]

Please don't beat yourself up for breaking up with him. In the end, it doesn't really matter who broke up with who. You were unsure of what you wanted, but after time apart you knew you wanted him. That is normal.

 

I guess maybe you might have to tell yourself that it probably is the same way with him now too. When he was single, he tried out the field, but ultimatly ended up with you because you were more important than the "other". Soooooo hard not to feel second best, or disposable though. I feel you there.

 

At the breakup, he was probably in pain and that is how he dealt with it. She was the "disposable" one.

 

If you guys can make it through the next 5 months, it will probably wane those "disposable" feelings. But the next 5 months could also drive you nuts, mentally. Please take extra care of yourself, get out as much as possible. Don't be like me and wake up one day and realize you are incredibly depressed over the situation.

 

Read through some of the threads I started for some additional advice. Your situation is not much different than mine.

[confused41]

Well I just wanted to say thanks again for the support. I thought I would take a break from ENA for a week, live a little, and see how things went. It hasn't been going well.

 

Part of the reason I fell in love with him is because he used to be so calm and light-hearted about life, so fun to be around. Over the past few weeks he has become incredible short-tempered, getting mad at the smallest things, to the point where I feel like I have to tip-toe around. It's been awful. We fight, I calm him down, I get sad, he makes me feel better, and then we kiss and makeup. He told me this break is for me, that I need to heal myself from the wounds of the past before we can get back together. In the meantime, he is losing more of himself every day, which makes me more depressed and just angry and sad and completely unmotivated to "heal myself from the past" or whatever he wants me to do. It is getting to be a horribly vicious cycle.

 

We went on a date last night and, as usual, had a blast. That is what is so frustrating about the entire situation- sometimes things are so great and I feel like we still have what we always had, and so many other times I am just depressed over the whole situation. But because I see glimpses of the good times, I can't just leave him, I know how good things could be... they just happen to not me.

 

I was looking at pictures this morning on his screensaver, part of what has brought me down so much. It is so so so upsetting to look at pictures of our past and see us having so much fun, and all I can think is, that is before he jumped in bed with another girl.

 

I'm not sure I can ever get over it, I would love to but don't know how. In my mind, I feel that the person I will spend the rest of my life with would never jump in bed with someone else while he still loved me. It's not cheating but it's pretty close to it. The "breakup" over the summer was so short, just two weeks, and a week of it he spent ignoring me and sleeping with someone else.

 

Thursday I finally broke down about the situation and started crying. I am way past wit's end, going crazy, and beyond depressed at this point. I love him so much and I honestly do not see things working out, ever.

 

Sorry for the long post, had to get this off my chest.

[insofar]

I'm going to take the position of Devil's Advocate for a bit here.

 

Did he have feelings for this coworker? You've already said that there was no sex, so I would imagine that your breaking up with him would, as well as crushing him, make him not want to live with you for a while. Besides the fact that it wasn't cheating because you broke up with him first. I think it's a bit unfair of you to be angry at him for being with someone else when you two simply weren't together.

 

And then afterward, he realized his mistake and confessed it to you, no attempt to hide it, as well as saying that you were the only person he wanted to be with. Your response was to get angry at him. Understandable, but do you have any idea what it's like to be dumped? Soul crushing is the only way I can really explain it. People make mistakes, and in that state he was probably the most vulnerable he'd ever been. He was probably looking for solace from the hell that was going on in his heart.

 

I think it's worth trying to save. Unfortunately, it sounds like you've already mentally broken up with him. You've got it in your head that there's no way he could be the person for you now. If you honestly don't ever see yourself healing over this and don't see things ever working out, you have to leave. Because otherwise you'd be keeping up a facade. But be sure of that before you do, otherwise you may regret it.

 

The only way that you two can stay together is for you to forgive him, completely. If and when that comes I can't say. But it needs to for the relationship to survive. I think for that you happen, you need to understand why he did what he did, if you don't already, and that might mean actually talking about it with him. That might be painful, but it may help.

[cchurting]

All I can say to the previous responder is that I don't think it matters who dumped who. They were both upset over not being with each other. All that really matters is that something wasn't going right in the relationship for it to come to a standstill.

 

I think if he had feelings for the "disposable", he would be with her now.

 

The issue here is her pain about him moving on so soon. Very understandable pain. Now she has to decide if she can still love him again. I think she does love him, otherwise she wouldn't be writing on ENA.

 

Another issue to point out though, is hopefully the issues that broke them up in the first place are fully addressed.

[cchurting]

Confused41,

 

How is your situation going?

[confused41]

thank you so much for asking! i really appreciate all the support i have found on here.

 

now for the update: i decided i could no longer make my boyfriend happy at the expense of my own mental health. i told him it was either the program or me, but he just couldn't have both no matter how badly he wanted to. my boyfriend has decided to quit the program, permanently. knowing he won't be going back there in an effort to spare me from the pain has been great. however, things have not been totally happy: it was a torturous several days for him to pick and choose between me and the program, and although he finally did pick me, at this point it sometimes feels like too little too late... i am not sure now where things are going, we are hanging out and being together, but at the same time too much damage might have already been done. so.... i don't know... the saga will continue, i suppose.

[confused41]

update: it's been 10 months since all this drama occurred. i have so much fun with this guy, but when it comes down to it, i still can't get over that he hooked up with someone else while emotionally attached to each other. he did things with her that were our firsts for each other and knowing he has someone to compare me to now is horrible for my self esteem. we have been on a "break" for about four months... we live together, friends with benefits, but when we go out we can do what we want. he rarely goes out and when he does it is with guys... i go out, with guys, but nothing happens. it is his thinking that if i hook up with someone, it will make me feel better about myself. i personally don't care about my body anymore and don't care either way... but the fact that i've been open for four months and nothing has happened makes me feel really crappy about myself.

i like being with him when we are happy, but that is so rare: either i'm obsessing about the girl he slept with, or he is mad that i spent so much time doing so. we are both graduating this week, and moving to the same town. as of right now we are planning on living together. i often feel that is only because i feel there is so much pressure to be with him- family cards come addressed to both of us now.

what's the point of being with him when we don't have a relationship? i don't know. i don't know that i'll ever forgive him for what he did, and though he is still the person i wish to spend the rest of my life with, it's now more like well, i would have wanted to had he not slept with someone. i just feel pathetic, and a liar, when people ask us how long we've been together, etc etc- because he sure jumped at the chance to get in bed with someone else.

i don't know what to do, i need help... will i ever get past it, or is it hopeless at this point? i just can't imagine being with anyone else, except for this fat blemish on our relationship, i have never happier... yet, because of the "fat blemish" i can't imagine spending the rest of my life wondering how he could hop in bed with someone for a week while emotionally attached to me, and then claim he still loves/loved me the entire time. it doesn't help that he changes his story about wanting/not wanting sex with her, other things they did, etc etc. (not sure why it's being discussed, either...)

[insofar]

i don't know what to do, i need help... will i ever get past it, or is it hopeless at this point? i just can't imagine being with anyone else, except for this fat blemish on our relationship, i have never happier... yet, because of the "fat blemish" i can't imagine spending the rest of my life wondering how he could hop in bed with someone for a week while emotionally attached to me, and then claim he still loves/loved me the entire time. it doesn't help that he changes his story about wanting/not wanting sex with her, other things they did, etc etc. (not sure why it's being discussed, either...)

He could have done it because he was hurt, and being with someone else is comforting when you've gone through a really bad time, such as right after a breakup. There is a reason rebound relationships are so common.

 

I can't tell you if you'll ever get past it. As you said, it's been ten months and you still haven't really forgiven him, or at least he hasn't yet earned back your trust. But really, IMHO relationships are a gamble in the first place, and he wasn't really with you when all this drama actually occurred. He didn't "just hop into bed with someone while emotionally attached to [you]", he was, I imagine, pretty distraught after you broke up with him and rebounded with someone. Besides the fact that you were up all night with another guy only days before, whether you did anything or not (what was he to believe since you broke up with him shortly thereafter).

 

I probably seem pretty one-sided here, but this is how I'm reading all of this. I could be way off-base. But I do know if you don't ever truly understand why he did what he did, you'll never really get past this. Have you tried going to couples counseling? It might be beneficial to have a third party to help work through all of this.