What is the difference between Marriage, and a b/f, g/f relationship?

[cranbers]

The boyfriend and I had a discussion, on this yesterday...mostly he said there is not difference...

 

only thing that changes is a piece of paper, and rings...

 

I told him that is standing up in front of God, friends family, etc to show your commitment to another person. That its committing yourself to one another for life.

 

That binding legally, changing of names...etc

 

any other differences?

 

I mean you go from being two to one whole, a team.

 

Being married for 4 years. The biggest change is that the little things start to stand out. You are less tolerent of the other persons bad habits. Things like, leaving the toilet seat up, or getting tooth paste on the mirror starts to get to you. Especially things like Snoring as well as the spouse family members. All those things matter huge, when its for a lifetime. Basic relatinships not as much, because you have not commited to that person, for a lifetime.

 

It's very very important you absolutely know tha tperson inside and out. That there are no secrets. There is nothing the other person is tolerating to be with you. The trut meaning of being compatible is being yourself. All the time, not liking what the other person likes even though you hate it.

 

I didn't know my wife long enough before merrying her. We really weren't compatible and we werent friends long enough to figure that out.

 

it's very very important for your spouse to be your best friend. You can tell them anything and everything and not be afraid. If you messed up, to be able to tell them and not be afraid for your safety.

 

I can't stress enough, the person you merry you have have got to be best friends, someone you want to be around 24/7 and you love them from head to toe. Love, communication, trust all of those things are crucial.

 

I hope that helps, it is my definition that I didn't realize until after the deed was done.

[poloplayer]

We've lived together for just over 3 years. I know he's got his cake etc, why bother with marriage

 

I think this is a part of it. But it's as much your fault as it is his. He did not force his way into living with you for 3 years.

 

I have lived with someone in the past as well, partially because it felt right, and partially because it was the next step. I think we fell victim to let's live together as another test for marriage.

 

I think this "test" assumes lots of false logic, and allows couple to either (A) not want marriage because you pretty much have everything, or (B) break-up because you learn you are not as compatible you thought you were. False logic when psychology and common sense comes into play:

 

As live together bf/gf these same issues arise as in marriage:

 

The biggest change is that the little things start to stand out. You are less tolerent of the other persons bad habits. Things like, leaving the toilet seat up, or getting tooth paste on the mirror starts to get to you. Especially things like Snoring as well as the spouse family members. All those things matter huge....

 

But you are not married, instead you are bf/gf, which means:

 

...having a bf means I am in a relationship, but not committed to him. ie, I will make major life decisions on my own, like moving, taking a new job, or major purchases (ie, home, furniture, car, etc....). If I get a job on the other side of the world, and if he doesn't ask me to marry him, I will leave.

 

Among other things. The two blur when you are live in bf/gf, and there is no set of "rules" to follow. You have aspects of both bf/gf and marriage components, but you are not committed like you are in marriage. This would cause plenty of confusion and tension, regardless of what you want long-term. Yes you can communicate and work things out, but I think your psyche and approach would be different had you married first, then moved in together.

 

If things are going "okay," then marriage is postponed or delayed by one person because they have everything they want. Thinking along the lines of "we are pretty much married - why bother making it official with a piece of paper and a party." Again, the psyche and approach in the thought process.

 

6 years is a long time without a proposal. I would have left a long time before then. I mean honestly, what needs to be sorted out still? I know right away if I think something will go somewhere with somone. A couple of months to determine if I really like them. And a good year to see if we are good together. The year after that would either reinforce us and lead me to proposing, or realize that were not as good as we thought we were and we go separate ways. I wouldn't need 6 years to determine that. 2 years give or take some months.

 

But as my experience, if I move in with someone, I fall victim to "I already have everything I want." Many of my guy friends think alike as well. This was my fault for moving in - the thought process that ensues is almost natural for everyone else I know who lives with someone.

 

This is not something I think about, but it is becoming an issue as many people live together as oppose to marry: at least you have legal recourse had you married and then things don't work out. Dating someone for many years expecting marriage one day, then it not working out, but having no legal recourse should financial matters and other things get messy is daunting. I would feel like I wasted half/full decade.

[Batya33]

I'm not really sure what you mean, could you elaborate?

 

 

If marriage were your true priority it is unlikely you would still be hanging around. Sometimes people who date people who are afraid of commitment do so because they themselves are afraid of commitment, so the relationship is safer for them.

[cranbers]

The lovemaking usually changes, you have much more when dating!

 

 

p.s.

If divorces were decided by a jury, the divorce rate would be very low.

 

I also think the murder rate would go up as well. People would feel there is no choice. Although the marriage rate would more likely go down. Sad to say but true.

[Batya33]

Noooo- there's something called separation - many people stay married but live separately. And, if people knew it was more difficult to get a divorce they might choose not to marry in the first place. Murder would mean not being married anymore but risking jail/death penalty. Your argument doesn't make much sense.