What is the difference between Marriage, and a b/f, g/f relationship?

[lovecrazy]

The boyfriend and I had a discussion, on this yesterday...mostly he said there is not difference...

 

only thing that changes is a piece of paper, and rings...

 

I told him that is standing up in front of God, friends family, etc to show your commitment to another person. That its committing yourself to one another for life.

 

That binding legally, changing of names...etc

 

any other differences?

 

I mean you go from being two to one whole, a team.

[Kalika]

I think you are right on: marriage is about formalizing it to society/family/friends, whereas boyfriend/girlfriend is a hypothetical precursor to marriage..

[shes2smart]

Depending on the laws where you live, there may be a substantially different way that you are seen as a spouse vs. non-spouse. This may come into play if either of you is involved in some catastrophic event (serious illness or accident, for example) and are unable to speak for yourself.

 

In the middle of a crisis is not the time to find out that you have no rights or say regarding the care of your SO if you are not married. If you are in a commited relationship that you both intend to be a long-term arrangement, it would be in both of your best interests to find out what the specific laws are where you live regarding such things.

 

Other than that, it comes down to the individuals involved. A wedding cermony won't all of a sudden transform people into being committed to each other...and the lack of a wedding ceremony doesn't necessarily mean a lack of commitment.

 

The real issue for people is: does your SO have the same views and want the same things as you regarding marriage...'cause if one of you wants to get married and the other thinks marriage isn't important, you're gonna have problems.

[Luck of the Irish]

Marriage in a secular society? It's worthless now, due to this country's complete lack of morals. 44% end up in divorce. The only place where marriage still means something is through a church and in front of God.

[lovecrazy]

He said that he does want to get married..but If I try and talk about it...(I ran it into the ground at one point) But I will mention hey a friend of mine is engaged...then he will go into a whole thing about this and that. to annoy me so I dont talk about us getting married...in other words he isnt ready.

 

So basically, I was just wondering other peoples views

[lovecrazy]

Marriage in a secular society? It's worthless now, due to this country's complete lack of morals. 44% end up in divorce. The only place where marriage still means something is through a church and in front of God.

 

 

 

honestly people are just stupid, I dont think marriage its self worthless..People rush into things, and dont think before they act.

 

People in the US give up way to easy...at least from what I have noticed.

[Day_Walker]

Marriage in a secular society? It's worthless now, due to this country's complete lack of morals. 44% end up in divorce. The only place where marriage still means something is through a church and in front of God.

 

I dont believe that you can presupposed that the reason 44% of marriage end in divorce is a result of lack of morals. Marriage has a secular meaning, as well as religious. It is supposed to mean that two people are committing their lives to eachother. If you want to attribute the divorce rate to secularization of society then on the flip side you might as well attribute slavery and the inequality of women to the church.

 

Marriage is more than just a peace of paper, because laws have been structured around the issue of marriage.

[luvursmile]

I think marriage makes you try a little bit harder when it comes to problems. If you are in boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, its very easy to just break up. With marriage, you're legally binded to each other, thereforeeee you are more willig to work things out. Breaking up with someone is way easier than divorcing someone.

[Batya33]

I don't think it matters what he thinks about marriage. All that matter is are you on the same page with him about your views on marriage generally and specifically with respect to you.

 

To me it is very different for the reasons you stated and also because I want children and I think it is only fair if you're going to have a child to give that child a chance, at the starting gate to be born into a situation where it is two parents married to each other in a stable marriage. That's just my personal opinion.

[MacGyverRI]

 

any other differences?

 

I mean you go from being two to one whole, a team.

 

The lovemaking usually changes, you have much more when dating!

 

 

p.s.

If divorces were decided by a jury, the divorce rate would be very low.

[caro33]

Similar question was asked last week, here is link to the page where I went on a bit of a rant.

 

 

[assumeLove]

What changes when you marry?

 

(1) People you just met treat you as a couple -- they generally won't hit on either of you, they'll let you into the Intensive Care unit if he's sick, they won't invite one of you to a party without the other, they won't need to wait for his parents' or brother's permission to operate if he's unconscious after a car accident.

 

(2) The government will treat you as a couple -- you'll only need to file one tax return, you may get a tax break, you're entitled to Social Security death benefits if you're a stay-at-home parent or over age 62, you can sign paperwork for each other, you never have to testify against your spouse, and if you own things together and he dies, you won't need to pay the state 15% of his half or his family 100% of his half to keep your life intact.

 

(3) Your family will treat you as a couple -- your parents and siblings will most likely treat your guy as a permanent member of the family once you marry, and may even abide by the Biblical injunction to support your marriage and help you find your way through the difficult spots.

 

(4) According to a good deal of research, you'll be less likely to be abused, much less likely to break up, healthier, happier, and wealthier -- and if you have kids, their chances of doing well emotionally, academically, and legally will be increased.

 

(5) If you are religious, you'll probably feel better about your relationship with God.

 

(6) If you live in Washington, DC, or some other cities and states and poor, you'll be eligible for help with building a savings account and other benefits.

 

(7) If you make a big sacrifice for your guy, like working while he gets an education or stepping away from building your career while your kids are young so he can build his, you'll have legal protection if he walks away before you see any return on your investment.

[MissyM]

We live in a disposable age. In years gone by, if your sock had a hole in it, you'd sew it up, because you had no choice (no money to buy new ones). these days you'd just throw it away and buy some new ones. I think in a sense people's view on marriage has become this way, in the past they'd try and fix the relationship and now they just throw it away like the sock, because divorce is so commonplace.

 

I am a believer in marriage and it breaks my heart in two that my bf hasn't proposed to me, sometimes i fell like giving up on the relationship, but that would be my one and only reason to end it and that just seems stupid to me.

[Batya33]

I think having incompatible goals and values are a perfectly reasonable reason to end a relationship. I wouldn't go on a first date with someone who didn't have marriage as a goal in a serious relationship no matter how well we clicked otherwise.

[shes2smart]

I am a believer in marriage and it breaks my heart in two that my bf hasn't proposed to me, sometimes i fell like giving up on the relationship, but that would be my one and only reason to end it and that just seems stupid to me.

 

I think having incompatible goals and values are a perfectly reasonable reason to end a relationship. I wouldn't go on a first date with someone who didn't have marriage as a goal in a serious relationship no matter how well we clicked otherwise.

 

 

MissyM, I am in complete agreement with Batya33 on this one.

 

When I left my last bf, a huge factor was the fact that I was ready to and wanted to be in a marriage and he wasn't. When I learned he was cheating on me, that just sped up the parting...I was already most of the way out the door because of the mismatch in relationship goals.

 

When I started dating again, I was very upfront about my goal (marriage) and would not date a guy who said he didn't want to get married or a guy who said he wasn't sure what he was looking for. Any potential date had to have marriage as a goal for himself before I ever entered the picture. If we were both going the same way (marriage), then it was worth my time and his to see if there was attraction/commonality/chemistry between us. If our end destinations were different, then it was a waste of time (for both of us) for things to progess past an initial meeting.

 

Taking this approach to dating, I met and was married to my husband in about a year. Best relationship either of us has been involved in creating, and a big part of the reason for that (I believe) is that we had/have similar relationship goals.

[Batya33]

I agree with that approach of course but caution that I know of many women who take that approach and it does not necesarily mean you will meet "the one" or get married any faster. It does guarantee that you will not stay in relationships or start relationships with men who are not on the same wavelength. Obviously, if romantic love/passion is not essential or a requirement it is far simpler to prioritize being married for the sake of being married and with that approach you can be married in less than a year to someone who wants that too but with whom you might not click romantically.

 

Please understand- I am NOT referring to the previous poster. I assume she took that approach and was lucky enough to find the one who was right for her in every way - romance and passion included!! I was simply giving another perspective and one that I have seen some women follow. It would not work for me (and I assume it would not have worked for the previous poster, either).

[shes2smart]

The way I look at it is that, on the one hand, I did benefit from some luck or fortunate coincidences in meeting my husband...but at the same time, I do believe that we create our own "luck" to a significant degree.

 

One way I created my "luck" was taking some time to think about where I wanted to end up. Beyond "being married" what did that ideal relationship look like? What did it include? What did it NOT include? What had I learned from previous relationships that taught me about what did and didn't work for me?

 

With any goal in life, I think the clearer picture you have of where you ultimately/ideally want to be, the more likely you are to get there. The hard part (for me anyway) was not allowing myself to get distracted from my vision by shiny trinkets along the way. (i.e. guys I was attracted to who were not looking for marriage, or who were not capable of creating a healthy relationship for whatever reason)

 

So, yes, my vision for myself was much more encompassing than just "I want to be married." I'm far too greedy to settle for a simple end-goal of married to just anyone. It was more a detailed picture of "this is the relationship I want to be in and it has to take place in the context of being married."

 

At any rate, the bottom line is this: if you are currently involved with someone who doesn't have the same relationship goals at you, your options are: 1. put your goals on hold and hope they change their mind at some point in the future (which gives them ALL the power) or 2. get yourself in a situation where you are single and available to meet someone who has goals that more closely match yours.

 

As long as you are involved with someone who isn't going where you want to go, you're not free to meet someone who is going the same way you are.

[Batya33]

That is very true. I completely agree with the mindset increasing your chances - my guess is you would also agree with my view that those who say "but you can't help who you fall in love with" to justify being with an attached or otherwise unavailable person are making excuses or not being clear with themselves about what they really want. Obviously there are times those feelings just hit but then you have the choice to go with those feelings or stick to your goals.

 

On the other hand I have friends who had an approach like yours and who they actually fell for and married had nothing on their list as far as what they were looking for. Too soon to tell how that is really going to work out.

[MissyM]

My bf has told me that he does see marriage in the future. We've been together 6 years and still no proposal. Maybe it's just me he doesn't want to marry ???

[SarahRose]

My bf has told me that he does see marriage in the future. We've been together 6 years and still no proposal. Maybe it's just me he doesn't want to marry ???

 

6 years is a long time! Do you want children? Do you already live with him?

[MissyM]

6 years is a long time! Do you want children? Do you already live with him?

 

yes and yes. We've lived together for just over 3 years. I know he's got his cake etc, why bother with marriage.

[Batya33]

My bf has told me that he does see marriage in the future. We've been together 6 years and still no proposal. Maybe it's just me he doesn't want to marry ???

 

Consider that you may have your own issues with marriage or marrying him, so staying with him is safer.

[MissyM]

Consider that you may have your own issues with marriage or marrying him, so staying with him is safer.

 

 

I'm not really sure what you mean, could you elaborate?

[annie24]

I agree with this post. I think that there are a ton of things that are different between bf/gf and marriage. for me, having a bf means I am in a relationship, but not committed to him. ie, I will make major life decisions on my own, like moving, taking a new job, or major purchases (ie, home, furniture, car, etc....). If I get a job on the other side of the world, and if he doesn't ask me to marry him, I will leave.

 

On the other hand, marriage, to mean, means that you have committed yourselves to each other and to working as a team together. ie, if I want to buy a home, get a new job, move, etc, this will be a decision we make TOGETHER as a team.

 

I think the legalities are so much different also. as far as financial rights, or you would be able to give consent if he needs a major surgery and he can't consent to it himself (if he is unconscious). If you are only his gf, even if it is for 6 years, his parents give consent, not him. (unless you have gone to a lawyer and gotten those documents drawn up.)

 

As for living together before marriage, my friend says (and I think so too!) "why pretend to be married if you aren't?"

 

I like my freedom, and if I am living with a man that I am not married to, I am forgoing the opportunity to meet other men who DO want to get married, I am not allowed to go out and meet new guys or go out and do what I want and buy what I want and decorate the house however I want..... but he is not committed to me. That arrangement kind of sucks, IMHO.

 

like I've seen Shes2Smart on here say, "living together is all the grunt work of marriage without any of the perks." words to live by!

[annie24]

I'm not really sure what you mean, could you elaborate?

 

I think what batya was saying (and I am guessing here), but if you really want to get married, maybe this guy isn't the one. or you need to take some action to put your plans into reality. you've been together for 6 years, living together for 2.... if you don't think that he is getting closer to proposing, maybe it is time for you to walk? or have a serious talk with him about what you want out of life and see if you two are on the same page. such a discussion can be hard, but I think it's important.

 

think of it this way - say that you REALLY want to be a nurse in the ER. You currently work at a hospital as a nurse, but you only do routine work. you would rather have the excitement of working in an ER. You have told your current hospital your goals and they say that they may promote you "someday." they are very vague and don't give you a time line. Even after you have been with the hospital for 6 years, don't you think by now they would know you well enough to say to you yes or no?

 

So, do you stay at your current hospital and hope that they promote you one day? or do you venture out, look for a job at a new hospital that can offer you the job you want?

 

If you stay at your current hospital, are you doing so because you think you can't do any better?

 

somethings to think about... I hope the analogy makes sense....