My boyfriend cheated.

[neva_black_n_white]

Do you think people can just make a mistake?

Im feeling quite neutral at the minute. Not quite sure what to think.

 

I do think though, once youve witnessed the deed for yourself, theres little more emotions that could be stronger than the hatred, humiliation, denial or brutality you actually felt in those split seconds. so im just curious now.

 

Neva

[Roasted Carrots]

I'm sorry in advance that I can not help you more on this subject. I've never had someone cheat on me, at least, not to my knowledge. I am sorry that your boyfriend hurt you in this way.

 

Unfortunetly, the only advice I can offer is to go through the archieves in this forum. There have been LOTS of posts one the subject...some people write about how they were able to get past the cheating and still work things out...some people write about the pain and ending the relationship...

 

I'm sorry I could not be more helpful.

 

Take care.

[avman]

I'm really sorry to hear this. I know it's very devastating.

 

This is something that you will have to take some time to reflect on to decide what you want to do. Some relationships survive this - others don't.

 

Whatever you decide to do we'll support you.

[yeawutever]

I'm sorry to hear that not onyl did he cheated but you had to actually catch him red-handed in the deed. Now that would be a deal-breaker to almost everyone.

Though there are very few that will even salvage that, yes somewhere in link removed, I heard about the most severe case of a woman catching her husband right in the act with the other woman in bed, in her own house. The story proceeds on the wife threatening the woman with a knife on her throat, luckily the cheating bastard took the knife away from his wife. Well out of the affair comes a child, and well the woman leaves him for yet another married man and also leaves her child. Story ends in the cheating bastard with yet his forgiving wife and she raising the boy as her son. The other woman never care about the child, she was busy going after married men.

 

Anyways, not to digress, but to me cheating would be like telling me " Oh well you're not important not special to me and there's soemone else who replaced you and I don't care about commitment". Neva_balck_n_white do not take him back, you will always have the seed of doubt planted within you.

 

 

 

[shikashika]

I couldn't go back to a cheater... You are young... if you had years and years of marriage together or children and he came back begging and pleading and really really really wanted to work things out... and you were prepared to take him back.. and accept that maybe both of you ahd struggles in your life at the time and both of you wanted to work on it together.. then MAYBE

 

but in your case? no way!!!!

 

you are young, move on .. find someone who respects you!

 

If you take him back it says a lot about you and that you accept that kind of behaviour

 

I hope you find someone better!

[musicguy]

once a cheater, always a cheater. It's hard to trust someone after they've cheated on you.

[yeawutever]

once a cheater, always a cheater. It's hard to trust someone after they've cheated on you.

 

LOL, hard?? I would say "Impossible" in my view.

 

 

[neva_black_n_white]

Thanks guys.

Yeah i do think ive got a lot to think over. We've attempted to speak but it doesn't go too smoothly.

 

I think it comes down to the trust now. I mean, he's done it already. And i don't think i could trust him again. Stress.

 

I appreciate all the advice, and don't worry ailec!! i wasnt holding a knife. I couldn't even bring myself to hurt him .. just disgusted and embaressed. Silly me.

 

And i know i am young, but it doesnt compromise a feeling. Im sure anyone whos been in a long relationship, specifically this one for me, it hurts. But, i don't like giving up things i love. This time i feel like i have no choice.

[yeawutever]

LOL, I wasn't talking about you with the knife, I was referring to the woman in the story who forgave her no good hubby and raise that child. Now that's a heck of a super nice woman, it would be a deal-breaker to almost everyone.

[Joneysnai]

People don't just make mistakes when they cheat on you. That's always been my take on something like that. If someone truly loves you they will never cheat on you and if they feel a need to do it there is something wrong in the relationship and they are not happy. If this is the case, they should be able to talk about why they are not happy. Cheating on someone just means that person isn't ready to commit and he is definitely not happy.

[neva_black_n_white]

Talk about burning a girl down. I can agree with what your saying but im pretty sure there have been some happy times. I dont hold my hands up to being the perfect girlfriend, but I didnt deserve this. There are far better ways os showing your unhappiness in a relationship, not cheating!

 

I do agree with what your saying though, it just came as a shock. thanks for your input.

[yeawutever]

Yes indeed, there is no excuse for cheating. In case he comes back with the "Oh I'm sorry lines......", don't take him back.

[Caer]

Hmm, with all due respect I don't think my post called for deletion; it was not an offensive post. I used one swear-word that I self-censored enough to convey meaning without offense. My intent was not to evade filters. That said, my apologies for breaching a specific rule, and I will endeavour to fit in with this board's rules in future

 

Rather than retype the whole post, the gist of it was:

 

Yes, I do think people can make simple mistakes like this. I don't think cheating is the black-and-white issue it's often portrayed to be. However, I do think the act is a large warning-flag pointing to deeper problems, and it is those problems, not the act of cheating itself, that should be addressed and forgiven - or not.

[neva_black_n_white]

Hey guys.

 

Sorry about the deletion Caer, ive said things a little heated before without negative intent, but its just how the rules go **big smile**

 

I agree with the whole "cheating isnt black and white", i think thats what im trying to figure out now. its hard to isolate the real problem. I mean, its out of his general nature, he is genuinely apologetic now and has done a lot of things to prove himself. its just the issue of trust and attempting to understand why he would do it, but, not only that, why he did it in such a close proximity to me.

 

im not sure what to feel to be honest, slightly in limbo but greatful of all the aids on here. your a pretty big help guys!

 

and aleic, dont you worry, i wont fall into a trap. ive already been told to make sure i dont get hurt and dont be made to look like the fool.

ill walk away completely as soon as i sense either.

 

just confused

x

[yeawutever]

He might he remorseful but it doesn't take away the fact that you witness it with your own eyes. That's just too much to work out on, thus being a complete deal breaker to most people.

[neva_black_n_white]

Yeah. I agree, even when weve met up and ive felt comfortable i just end up thinking about it.

 

agreed on this one.

take it its a lost cause.

stress.

we shall see x

[JimmerJammer]

Well I know for me that this is a tricky subject and it will always end the same. I've told my gf that anything she does is pre-meditated, so unless she keeps it from me I will never excuse her sleeping with someone else. Period. The only time I would is if someone drugged her to the point where she wasn't even proper to defend herself from it. Its beyond disgusting and it goes on more than people would admit. The disturbing part of this is that most girls wouldn't consider that rape, but when you tell them that its cheating they say that they weren't in the proper state of mind and it shouldn't be cheating. See the fallacy in that logic?? Read it again if you don't.

 

So I know for me that if someone cannot restrain themselves from sleeping with someone else while you're committed to the other person, it shows that they are weak-minded and to me are pathetic. REGARDLESS of their reason. I don't care if they were drunk. I don't care if they were high. I don't even care if they were mad at you, as if that even IS an excuse. The point is that if you're going to do those things, then have someone watch out for you because being careless is a cop out and if they really believed it then they'd be MORE mad at the person that did it to them. That's how you know where they are at with it so watch that difference.

 

Good luck.

[Goblin]

Wait. Maybe should pause and rewind a little. How was ur relationship w your boyfriend though?

 

Cheating is not acceptable be it the male or the female. If you loved someone well and that person cheats on you, that ald says abt his character. That he takes advantage of you and things ard him.

 

If you accept back a cheater its very impossible to work things out because the trust has to be rebuilt! But somehow both of you lose if you do accept him back. Just keep urself strong this moment. From this he will learn cheating is not acceptable in a relationship. And you, deserve a guy who is fair, true and honest.

[Northalius]

Do you think people can just make a mistake?

 

Yes.

 

Cheating is not one of them, however. Cheating is intentional! A mistake is an accident. Two very different things.

 

When someone says "I cheated, and it was a mistake." just tell'em "I'm breaking up with you... my mistake! Oops! Sorry! Good bye now!

 

To me, cheating equates to murder, in relationship crime. They've willingly made the choice to break it off with you by doing it with another person. In my mind, when someone cheats, I just say "I agree, it's best we break up. See ya!"

 

Cheating is worse than breaking up; it's actually using people to the cheaters' own advantage, to get his/her own selfish ways. It's disgusting. I don't care how much the cheater says they love me, I say to them "Love is an action; actions speak louder than words... and there's no love in cheating!"

 

There's absolutely no excuse for cheating! If your relationship is going downhill, then you confront your partner, try and fix it, or respectfully break it off like adults.

[neva_black_n_white]

I didnt even know people were still responding to me thread. thanks guys. i dont trust him. even if mistakes are possible, i cant stay with him. my head plays too many games with me and i get self conscious.

 

suppose its out of my hands (in a bizarre way)

 

Thanks though x

[kath123]

yes i agree..im a lot older than you and have a lot more issues ie.kids..but it the end it amounts to the same thing...you loved someone and they cheated on you,then say they made a mistake.

For me the trust issue was too great,i could, and did for a while think i could forgive this act of betrayal,but quickly realised that my head wasnt in step with my heart,and i couldnt forget what he had done, and knew that to carry on trying to salvage what we once had would change me as a person forever..I dont want to become an untrusting, paranoid, insecure person..and that is what inevitably would have happened.

[StarLily]

Don't take him back. Maybe this lesson will teach him not to ever cheat again, and his new girlfriends will thank you for that. As for you, you will find someone better.

[girl friend]

Hmm,... i agree with you all mostly... however i think there can possibly be one way in which it might be ok to get back with an ex where your breakup was due to him cheating... let me justify...

 

He may have cheated because he wasn't ready for your relationship, for insecurity reasons, for many other problems or reasons which i cannot even begin to list.

 

IF the relationship was relatively short-term, AND if he cheated because he wasn't ready, had problems, was insecure, etc.... Then there is a chance in the future that things might (possibly) chance.

 

Without the underlying motives (insecurity, problems, wasn't ready for your relationship etc) there, your problems (in this respect) will be gone with one fel swoop. Then and only then might it be possible to go back with an ex in my view.

 

However i'd recommend waiting a fairly long time, (no, not waiting, i mean get on with your life, date if you can,) BUT when the time comes, and he's ok, if you both want to give it another shot, i think it COULD possibly work, and you could learn to trust one another again.

 

in that respect i disagree with 'once a cheater always a cheater.' If the problems underlying the insecurity (if insecurity was the reason for cheating) is solved, the need to cheat will go too.

 

So yeh, this may help people who know that they shouldn't get back with a cheating ex, but still feel that pain of knowing the do 'still love him/her.' even after that.

 

Sorry im female so thats why i've referred to this as a bf cheating, but it could be either way of course.

 

Hope thats ok xx

[yeawutever]

Whether it was a short or long-term relationship, he could have talk his insecurities issues, there still was no excuse for cheating.

[girl friend]

What does anyone else think?? Forgivable under any such circumstances?