My boyfriend cheated.

[Northalius]

I've said the ol' "Once a cheat, always a cheat" phrase before. And yes, it's not a fact, but it is most of the time true. Cheaters, like criminals, are usually repeat-offenders. Look at it like an addiction to a drug, almost. Once you try it, you're usually going to go back to it, at least more than once... especially if you're not going to get arrested for doing it! Or think you'll not get caught.

 

Is it possible for a cheater to never cheat again? Of course it's possible! But... is it probable? I don't think so, at least according to what I've personally seen, had friends tell me about, and've read about over the years.

 

If they've done it for insecurity issues? Of course it's forgivable... depending on the situation, the person they cheated on, and if the cheater is truly sincere in their actions, words and apology.

 

The difference between letting someone back after they cheated on me, is: If they're truly sorry for what they did, and will truly never do it again. They must show they're sorry through actions, not just words, as well.

 

This is very hard to put up with, however. You don't know how deceptive this person can be. Maybe they're an extremely good liar / player? I'll never know for sure! And that'd be in the back of my mind forever, when/if some other questionable content pops up in the future. I just couldn't deal with thinking like this for the rest of my life.

 

For me, cheating is like losing virginity: once you do it, there's no going back (to the trust I once had for you).

 

I stand strong on this issue. The only way I'd feel 100% comfortable with a cheater that has come back and said sorry, is divine intervention - God Himself would have to tell me, "It's okay!" lol!

 

That's just me, though.

[yeawutever]

What does anyone else think?? Forgivable under any such circumstances?

 

No, under NO circumstances does it give you the right to sleep with someone else other than your SO.

[kate111]

I cheated a few times when I was young.

 

I had problems with alcohol and would get myself into bad situations. I also didn't think it was THAT bad a thing to do.

 

Then a partner found out and I felt very sorry for what I had done. Then I fell in love and had it done to me.... it was really painful. I learned why it is s bad. I haven't done it since.

 

So you can learn your lesson, but you have to change your morals first.

[neva_black_n_white]

i doubt it would stop him from cheating again, he slept with his last girlfriends friend. he had apparently fallen for her too, but i suppose nothing could stop him.

 

he blamed it on alcohol. but i dont agree, he can remember what was happening, and surely he could remember who and where his girlfriend was. maybe it slipped his mind? i think its taken too far to be honest.

 

i dont think i could ever trust him again.

 

that aside, i dont believe anyone can be perfect, only perfect for someone else. so i dont think im the most angelic person, i suppose i just feel strongly about this.

 

neva x

[neva_black_n_white]

I also dont think anyone should be branded. I walked into the relationship having known he had cheated. that was a fresh start for him. not once a cheat always a cheat. he just proved that line.

 

Unfortunatley things dont work out, regardless of the strength of emotions a relationships may contain. i suppose it comes down to circumstances, reasoning, feeling etc.

[girl friend]

Are there different levels of cheating?

 

For example, is snogging someone else as bad as if he slept with her?

[arwen]

First off, to Neva: I am terribly sorry of what you are going through. I am sorry if I missed something, but are you guys still together?

 

to girl friend: I think that everyone has their personal boundaries when it comes to cheating. For some people the slightest flirtation is felt as cheating. You know, for love you can't really make 'logical' definitions. I think most people would agree that sexual acts with another person constitute cheating. However, there are couples that happily engage partner swap. The difference here I think is that in THAT case, two people agree on having sex with others. As long as that is not agreed upon, I doubt that someone would condone his/her partner having sex with someone else.

 

Snogging would be cheating to me, yes. If my partner is with me, why on earth would he feel like kissing someone else? For me kissing is part of intimacy, once that intimacy is not unique for the couple, it's broken. That way, breaking intimacy can break someones trust.

 

On another level, I think that for a lot of people, intimacy is not restricted to physical intimacy (snogging, cuddling, sex), but also to the kind of emotional bond that is shared. Also here there is a certain uniqueness that I think we strive for in a relationship. The way you talk with someone, how he/she makes you feel, that is usually different from other relationships (like family, co-workers, friends). A romantic partner knows your deepest secrets, which varies from trivial things of how you look when you wake up to things like difficulties you have with others, life, etc. thereforeeee, it is possible to cheat without any physical aspect I think. People call that an emotional affair.

 

I have been cheated on in that way, and I can tell you that it was by far the most painful thing my heart has had to go through. My ex was in love with someone who was engaged to another man. They saw each other all the time (she was a 'friend'). We were on and off at that time, and the 'on again' at that point was for me a 'trying again'. It turned out that for him it was an attempt to get over her (as she was not available at that time). I moved abroad for a while for uni, and decided independent of that (as I wasn't aware of that at that time), to not pursue the relationship with him. It was a year later that I found out the Ugly Truth. Not only had he used me to get over her, she had broken her engagement and they got together when I was abroad. He didn't tell me that, can you imagine? The one week he was trying to have phone sex with me, the next he finally got together with her. Technically he never cheated on me (no sex), but in his heart he had been with this other girl for at least half a year that he was also with me.

 

Arwen

[hunnyicious]

i found this article about cheating by Curt Smith...

 

Cheating generally means that you are not fully satisfied with your current partner or you feel that something is missing in the relationship. If you were completely in love and happy within your relationship, then why would you jeopardize all that you have for a five-minute fling with the girl next door?

When men cheat, it basically means that they are looking for something their girlfriend or wife is not providing. Often times, it comes down to sex. A lot of men who are in serious relationships usually end up cheating after a couple of years. The reason is simple; men stuck in long-term relationships feel they are missing out on something. Most of the time, these men cheat because they are frustrated and need to get it out of their systems.Men also like to explore and try new things. The benefit in this case is that once men do cheat, they realize that it is nothing special and probably won't do it again. This prevents them from being unfaithful later on when the stakes are higher (like when they have a family). When people are in a relationship for a long time, they can't help but start taking their significant other for granted. Sometimes they forget just how great the woman they have really is. Men forget how wonderful it feels to have someone who loves them unconditionally. Cheating usually involves lustful feelings of physical attraction; nothing long-term.

 

The result is that once men are unfaithful, they will lie in bed and think relentlessly about their unsuspecting partner. Why? Because the lust factor has worn away and the reality didn't measure up to the fantasy. Instead, they remember the good reality; the woman who loves them, bakes them cookies and makes love to them. The old saying "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" says it all.

 

The most underrated benefit of cheating is that it opens a man's eyes to the realization that his relationship is no longer nurturing and should be terminated. Some people remain blind to the fact that their relationship is "on the rocks" and the only way they can finally realize that it's not going to work out is through cheating. It's a shame that some men have to go to this extreme to see the reality: that they're no longer satisfied with their situation.

 

Let's face it, nothing lasts forever and about 95% of relationships, married or not, end (i.e. if you date 9 women before you ever marry, your failure rate is 90%, assuming the marriage lasts). When you do break up, you will probably have a lot of regrets, especially concerning all the girls you missed out on -- especially if she's a six-foot tall Swedish model.

 

So what did you learn from my point of view? That cheating is disrespectful towards the person you've cheated on, but at the very least, it has two beneficial aspects to it. First, that you'll realize your mistake and appreciate your lover a lot more after the horrible deed.

 

The second is that cheating can help you realize your misery within your current relationship, and will likely give you that necessary shove to move on and stop wasting both your lover's and your own time.

[omayra]

i think once some one plays on youu as cheat on u they will always do that again.

 

Even if they tell u that they are not goin to do that, they will eventually do it again, the cycle goes again

[girl friend]

Yes the cycle of abuse is very difficult for anyone in any situation to break.

 

 

I read this week that psychologically, girls tend to feel more betrayed by emotional cheating, and men more bothered by sexual cheating.

 

I personally agree with that. I'd find a partner cheating physically after a drunken night out less annoying than if there were any actually feelings there. Not that i wouldn't move on either way. I don't think i'd be able to stand the "Whats she got that i dont?, Is she as pretty as me? Does he have feelings for her? was she better than me?, He's going to that same place tonight, will he do it again?' etc constantly preying on my mind. It comes down to lack of trust.

 

However i do know of some cases where couples have fixed whatever the issues were in the relationship, and forgiven cheating, and gone on to happily marry with kids in a (as far as i know"!) monogamous relationship.

[girl friend]

Trust = life

[yeawutever]

Any type of cheating= deal-breaker to me.

[neva_black_n_white]

trust is the only thing we can hold onto at times when hope has already been lost.

 

no nothings worked out. its just difficult when someone then thrives to make something work... interesting when it was so easily thrown a way. i do like juxta posing situations.

[girl friend]

I think you're all right.

As a general rule, never go back to a cheater.

 

He/she can't really love you or they wouldn't do it. Thats a fact.

 

However if you both do want to fix your relationship, and are both committed into giving it another go, you could identify what was wrong with your relationship initially (and there must have been problems, either noticed or beneath the surface problems) with your relationship, and try to fix them.

 

You shouldn't go back to a cheater if nothing has changed however, or he will cheat again, thats more or less guaranteed.

 

And i guess you'd have to be extremely forgiving... and not the jealous type.

 

Mb could try relationship counselling.

 

girl friend