Need Some Help and Advice

[This is Horrible]

i am only a member of this website for a week, but reading it gives you a beacon of hope. it really does. it is better than speaking w/ my friends who are sick of hearing about me after a while and will continuously tell me to "just get over it."....that really does not help.

 

reading about how sooooo many other people, at some point, were as low as i am now, and have recovered to be happier than they ever were before, is the most inspiring thing one can ask for.

 

it s now day 6 and i still dont think this will get better. i have read many of the posts and followed the advice of destroying pictures and other memoirs.

 

i spoke w/ her yesterday and begged (how retarded of me) to give it another shot, and of course, she said no, so today i am really starting NO CONTACT, and not stopping it, ever.

 

i know it is only day 6, but how do i get through this? i still cant sleep or eat. i still get up in the morning and the first thought in my head is to call her, or how is she. it is really the most agonizing thing i have ever experienced. deaths of loved ones can not compare to this. failures in sports as a player can not compare to this. it is really, really the worst feeling i have ever have, and ever will have, and part of what makes this feeling so bad is that she just has let it go and will be out ther enjoying her new life without me while i am here, suffering like i never have before.

 

i guess i want to know this: how do i not get upset if she is with another guy?...how do i not think about her every second of every day?....basically, how do i make her an afterthought, to the point where she will have no effect on my day to day life, and i can live my life everyday being happy with the person i see when i look in the mirror?

 

i am sorry for this long post, but i am hurting so much i cant even explain it. thank you to anyone who can give me some answers and help me find closure.

[AllTornUp]

One thing I've always thought about dumpee vs dumper is this:

 

In some ways, the dumpee has it easier. Let me explain. As the dumpee, it's all out of your hands. The dumper is the one who has to agonize over whether they made the right choice. Whether they should come back to you.

 

The dumpee is "free" to move on knowing there is nothing they can do to get the other back. Just start moving on with your life. I know it's a lot harder than it sounds. I've had to do it in 1995, 2004, and now. My most recent ex broke up with me the day before New Year's.

 

Good luck and we're all behind you!

[LittleLion24]

Take AllTornUp's advice (He's going through the same thing but he has made so much progress over the past week or so. I'm so proud!)

There is nothing you can do to get her back. Trust me, any attempt to get her back will only ruin any possibility of a reconciliation in the future. Every time you beg, pled, break NC, etc. you're making yourself look desperate and out of control emotionally and none of those things are attractive, especially to women.

 

Take this time to reflect on you and do some deep soul searching. Keep reading posts on this forum because they really do help and don't be shy to ask other questions. What you need right now is support and everyone on this forum is here for you.

 

In the meantime, I think it's a good idea to put away anything and everything that reminds you of her. Take down all the pictures, put away all the presents she bought you etc. I wouldn't go to the extreme of throwing them away but just put them somewhere where you can't see them, at least for awhile. You'd be surprised at how well this works.

 

Keep yourself busy. Maybe catch up on all those "things" you've been meaning to do around the house, Go for a walk, go grocery shopping etc. Or if your like a guy I know, remodel a room in your house! That'll keep you busy.

 

Whatever you do try not to think of her with another. If that is the reason you broke up this may be harder to do. However, need to TRY really hard to not let your mind go there. Doing NC will help this tremendously. Give it some time. This too shall pass.

[robowarrior]

You should never go into a relationship expecting it will work out just because it concerns 'your case', reality is that a girl can pack her bags and leave anyday. And such it is with all things ,for life is like sand in your hand ,eventually everything will slip from your hand. You can only love someone, you can't hold them in possession. You don't own them so to speak. And wether it be by death or breaking up, you will lose everyone and everything you have in life eventually. However that is all done in order for us to love and to learn in this life. You will always love her, but you will not put your life on a halt for her. Because if you come to a dead end road in your life any sorrow that you can't move on in that way goes to waste. Its better to realise that you have to turn your car around and head back to the highway of life.

 

Love makes blind and that's why we go into a relationship thinking everything will go fantastic which is the biggest non-sense fantasy there is.

 

So its important not to go into some closet putting yourself in a limbo state whining over things that will never happen. Its better for you to pick up the pieces of your broken heart, glue them back together and give yourself time to heal, then bury the past, put a point behind it and move on to the future. Then bring the lessons you learned from your previous relationship into your new relationship and try to prevent further tragedy in your life , by going into a relationship in a different manner.

[Lanterna Magica]

It has been three months since my ex broke up with me...

 

At first I thought the pain would never end...

 

Then I decided to do all the things my relationship prevented me from doing in terms of hobbies (not rebounds or emotional entanglements!)...

 

So I joined the gym, I researched alot of my interests, started doing yoga, reading about subjects that fascinated me and I can tell you now that I feel ALOT better than I did! In fact I have been generally very positive about things!

 

I still think of her, it still makes me sad, but no way near as sad as it did even two weeks ago over Christmas...

 

The more I do, the more new people I meet, the more new places I go all make me feel alot better than when I was wallowing...

 

But you do need to wallow! You deserve an amount of self pity, but only to a point, then its time to begin the journey.

 

It is a big world and contained within it are many possibilities, so explore them, don't get in contact with her, work towards making yourself happy.

 

I have started to think that the best response to the emotional pain is to put yourself through the physical pain of exercise!

 

It WILL get better, alot better.

 

When people say time heals, they are right. but it is what you do with that time that really counts.

 

Stay strong and know that things will improve.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Day 6 is soooo new in terms of a breakup, don't be hard on yourself at all, just recognize that this is a new wound... you wouldn't expect to run on an ankle you broke just six days ago, so recognize that it is OK if you don't feel good yet, just try to pass the time til the injury isn't so new and painful...

 

in the early stages of a breakup, just try to distract yourself... watch movies, spend time with friends, read books, do whatever it takes to put some distance between yourself and the pain...

 

it really does get better, but that takes time... try to keep moving forward, and give yourself a set time each day to mourn your loss, but also make yourself exercise, spend time with people, etc., since this will help you move towards your future, and not think so much about the past.

[Firedancer03]

Hey TiH,

 

I know this sounds so cliche, but the old saying is true: Time heals. It really, really does. You are only 6 days into this thing. It took me about 3 months to really fully accept the breakup and start moving on. I'm not trying to scare you or make you feel hopeless or anything, but I just want you to know that its ok to feel lots of pain right now. Its ok to hurt and feel sad and wish that this never would have happened, etc. The only way that you are ever going to get over the pain is to go through it. Let yourself feel whatever you are feeling. I found it really helpful to write down what I was feeling, or to pretend that my ex was standing in front of me and I said (or shouted, lol) everything that I wanted to say to him (I only recommend doing this when you're home alone, lol). Don't supress any feelings.

 

It may take you awhile, but eventually you will stop feeling so sad and you will wake up one day and realize that you don't want to hurt anymore; you're going to realize that although the situation sucks, you want to be happy again! And then you will notice that the pain starts to go away, little by little, and every day it gets a little easier to take another step away from the hurt.

 

In the meantime, do whatever you can to distract yourself from the breakup. If your friends invite you out and you're feeling up to it, go out with them! If you love working out, go workout! Avoid just sitting there and dwelling on your ex, though. I know its really really hard to do, and honestly for a few weeks you probably will think of her constantly. But if you can find things to do to get you out of the house, you will find that pretty soon the thoughts of her will lessen and become fewer and further between. It may require you to "force" yourself to get out there and "force" yourself to have fun, but you know what they say....fake it til you make it! (It works!!) So good luck friend, remember the road will be long and bumpy, but it will be well worth it. You will get through this! Post here whenever you need us or whenever you need to vent or get your feelings out. We are here for you 24/7!

[leewils]

This might help,

 

We split up around 4 weeks ago then i beg'd and beg'd for her back but it was'nt happnin so decided i needed closure and got it with a last text msg but then few days later when i decided what my plans for summer wld be, how id get back to the gym, meet some girl mates i hadnt seen for ages ect.

 

She got in touch with me with a head f***k msg sayin "i do miss u so much" so i straight away thought YES!! were goin to sort this but no she just said the same and i was left sore again but the i got back to feeling better again just cos i really thought this is it over were done and thats fine cos if she dsnt feel how i feel then whats the point.

 

Then she gets in touch again prob scared that she will lose me and we decide to have a cool off couple of weeks but that didnt wrk cos of me thinkin of the things she said about it was over and was'nt in love with me. so just on Sat there it ended, i cldnt sleep thinkin i shld of seen if wee cld work but to much had changed and too many bad thoughts were goin through my head.

 

I cldnt handle it again so decided to e mail her then phoned later on the nxt day and she call'd back sayin dnt call me! its done and all the rest. So i sent a last e mail jst sayin how i thought it was cheeky for her to tell me not to call after the calls and txt's i got from her and that she cld have it her own way (again) and i wldnt call, txt or e mail again.

 

(sorry this is so long)

 

So all last nite i wanted to e mail or call her to say that we cld fix it and it wld wrk but were not together for a reason and if things are ment to happen they will if there not they wont but just now i dnt have a clue cos am so mix'd up but i no if i get in touch then i wont move on and il just be rejected again and again so like u i am DEF done with throwing myself to the lions.

 

Keep your chin up and do things to keep ur mind off it. There is a load of great people on this site who want to help and share whats goin on i do want to lie in bed and jst quit uni but here i am in uni tryin to study but goin on about my ex but it helps and just think down the line we will be on here givin advice to ppl who are in our position now hurtin.

 

Take care and feel free to get in touch cos i need the help as well.

 

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