DizzyDoris Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Right now i feel sick to my stomach that im about to lose my boyfriend. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me, i love him to bits. We've been together for 3 months, but have known each other 10 years and up until today everything was perfect. BEFORE we got together,when i was single, i posted some pictures on an adult site, i swapped emails with a few of the people on there and used to chat to them on msn. I didnt leave my pictures on for long and when i removed them all, it left empty threads so i got banned from the site. One of the guys on msn told me about another site i could use and offered to set up an account and gave me the password. We swapped pictures on msn and he posted them on this new site. As i also had access to this account, after a while i removed these pictures too. I have never met this guy, never spoke to him, only ever typed to him. Well my boyfriend and I decided we would like to join this site together so after explaining the above to him, i logged in under the account already set up, to show him the site and see what it was all about, he seemed very keen. I even told him the password so he could check it out at home when he had more time. Last night he did log in at home,he searched all the history on this account,every post made. I made one comment to one man in the time we have been dating, and i only commented on his pictures because i recognised him from the other site i got banned from. 95% of the comments made are from the guy that set up the account,trying to arrange meetings etc with other members. The threads with my removed pictures were also posted/started by him (oh how foolish i have been to give him my pictures ](*,) ) he put comments on like "if you like these WE have plenty more to post" This was a lie as i never sent him any more pictures of me! Now my darling boyfriend (who has been cheated on before,and finds it hard to trust women) thinks i am just like his exes and have been unfaithful. He thinks i have met this man as he made out we were a couple on there. He doesnt understand the comment i made meant nothing,that these people mean nothing to me! He also thinks this man took the photos of me, when in fact my best friend did as she also posts on this site. My boyfriend thinks im lying and doesnt understand why i would send naked pictures to a stranger and share an account with someone i have never met. To be honest i dont even know why i did it myself. Looking back i can now see i have been very stupid. I have been honest with him and told the truth, but the damage is done, he doubts me now and i am so scared i am going to lose him. I haven't cheated on him and i never would but i dont know how to make him see that? Sorry this is long and thankyou for reading, i dont really know what i am asking, but any advice or words of wisdom would be greatfully received. Link to comment
DN Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 Tell him that if you had been cheating you would never had told him about the site and what happened there so he could look at it himself. Link to comment
DizzyDoris Posted January 5, 2007 Author Share Posted January 5, 2007 Aaah thanks DN but i already have said that. I told him to ask himself WHY would i give him the password if i was being shady towards him? I feel so guilty and i haven't even been unfaithful. I feel sick to my stomach right now. Link to comment
New_Horizons Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 OK, well, if I were in your boyfriend's shoes, I would totally believe you only if I "accidentally" stumbled upon this posting of yours on ENA. There's a hint for you there. I really don't know how you would arrange such an accident but if you are able to pull it off, it will most likely work, trust me. PM me if you want me to delete this. Link to comment
Honey Pumpkin Posted January 5, 2007 Share Posted January 5, 2007 DN's advice is bang on the money - you could easily have kept this away from him for good. I think once he's calmed down, talk to him again EXACTLY like you did in your post. It makes sense, and hopefully he will be able to see your point of view. Good luck! Link to comment
Juliana Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 People with huge trust issues, as he may well have, eventually have to learn to deal with it by trusting. It's too bad, but it's the only way. If he's mistrustful of you when you have never betrayed him, then he can construe anything to look like anything. Don't argue with him. Just tell him that you're sorry he doesn't believe you, but trust is a necessary part of a relationship, and it's too bad he doesn't feel you're worthy of his trust. I think he's being foolish, myself, but you know, sometimes things happen for a reason. You made an error in judgment, perhaps; but his is the larger one. 1 Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 I think he's being foolish, myself, but you know, sometimes things happen for a reason. You made an error in judgment, perhaps; but his is the larger one. That might be a little harsh. He has only been going out with her for 3 months....not enough time to be totally trusting and comfortable with someone, especially if he has been cheated on before. Given what has happened to him, his reaction is understandable even though he is wrong about his assumptions. The only thing you can do is reassure him that you did not cheat. You can't make someone trust you, that has to come from within. Maybe in time the dust will settle, right now it is a bit of a shock to the system for him so he needs time to process the information in a rational way. We are all guilty of over-reacting to situations based on our previous bad experiences. That is human nature. Link to comment
Rabican Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 That might be a little harsh. He has only been going out with her for 3 months....not enough time to be totally trusting and comfortable with someone, especially if he has been cheated on before. Given what has happened to him, his reaction is understandable even though he is wrong about his assumptions. The only thing you can do is reassure him that you did not cheat. You can't make someone trust you, that has to come from within. Maybe in time the dust will settle, right now it is a bit of a shock to the system for him so he needs time to process the information in a rational way. We are all guilty of over-reacting to situations based on our previous bad experiences. That is human nature. I agree with you... the whole posting adult pictures... sharing an account with some guy... just sounds shady to me. Trust is earned, not given and for someone whos been burned before, well im sure hes a little gun shy to start with. Seeing something like this isnt going to help. The best thing you can do, is just tell him what happened, tell him how you feel and then STAY OFF OF THOSE SITES! NO more friendfinder sites for you girly. Just stay clear of them, and focus on your man. Link to comment
DizzyDoris Posted January 6, 2007 Author Share Posted January 6, 2007 Thankyou to everyone who has replied, all your opinions are very much appreciated. I have spoken to my friend and as this guy has registered the account on his pc she has advised me what to do. Apparently i need to alter the settings, change the registered email address then alter the password, then i will pm the moderator and ask for the account to be deleted. I intend on doing this tonight in front of my boyfriend. I can understand why he finds it so hard to trust, he's had a terrible time with women in the past, but that just makes me more determined not to let him down and prove to him that not all women are the same. We are going to discuss this properly tonight and hopefully work it all out, so i will post an update tomorrow. Thanks again to everyone who took time to read this. Link to comment
Juliana Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 I do think new relationships should be started with a clean slate; we can't allow our past experiences with other people to so strongly colour our new relationships. I hope he can look at his relationship with her in making his decisions, not his past experiences with others. Or he'll be missing out on something that could be great, imo. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 I do think new relationships should be started with a clean slate; we can't allow our past experiences with other people to so strongly colour our new relationships. I hope he can look at his relationship with her in making his decisions, not his past experiences with others. Or he'll be missing out on something that could be great, imo. That is well and good in theory and in an ideal world, but we are shaped by our experiences. Someone who has had several bad bosses may be more nervous in a new job....someone who had a very bad car accident may be very nervous driving a car again....someone who was mugged or assaulted may look over their shoulder more often etc. Our feelings are our feelings...yes, we should always strive to move on... but to just say "get over it" is oversimplifying things. There are certain triggers which will make a person react because of past experiences. I would say that knowing another guy has naked pictures of your girlfriend is a reasonable enough trigger to set someone's mind thinking, especially if they have been cheated on before. It is not over-reacting, it is a natural reaction. Sure, if he spends the entire relationship obsessing about being cheated on, that is one thing...but that was not the case in this situation. He just needs some time to get over this shock. Link to comment
DizzyDoris Posted January 7, 2007 Author Share Posted January 7, 2007 Hey guys, i saw my boyfriend last night and we had a really good heart to heart. He looked at the site again on friday night and realised that i havent done anything and that the one post i made whilst dating him was just a meaningless,harmless comment. When i joined this site it was before we were even together, and he believes me now that i have never met the guy i share the account with (which i will no longer be using!) He apologised for finding it hard to trust me and said after reading that comment i made, it made all his insecurities resurface from the past. But he knows he shouldn't think of me the same way as his exes. After re-reading everything, he sees now he had added 2 & 2 and came up with 5! I told him i totally understand how he must have felt and if ever anything ever troubles him again,to talk to me. I'm not going to let him down, I love him. He's everything ive ever wanted in a man and time will prove that to him. Im SOOO glad we're okay, i was so scared i would lose him over this. Thankyou everyone for your replies and opinions Link to comment
Honey Pumpkin Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 Thanks for the update dizzydoris - I'm *really* glad things worked out okay for you! Well done for being so upfront with him, and you now have a completely fresh slate, which is nice for both of you! Link to comment
DizzyDoris Posted January 7, 2007 Author Share Posted January 7, 2007 Thanks Honey Pumpkin, im really glad too! Honesty is always the best policy and i've been honest with him right from the start and intend on always being honest with him......besides which i cant lie for toffee! If i attempt even a little white lie, anyone who knows me can tell a mile off (i must have a nose like pinnochio!) Sometimes im too honest for my own good, but the truth always seems to find a way of coming out,so i prefer to have a clear conscience and just get everything out in the open. And I prefer the people i know to be honest with me too, id rather know the truth no matter how bad it is. Before this happened on friday i knew i loved him, but when i came so close to losing him its made me realise just how much. Its taken us 10 years to get together and this is the kind of relationship i've always dreamed about, he treats me like a princess and i wouldnt do anything to hurt him or risk losing him. Right, ive rambled on quite enough so night all, im off to bed a very happy bunny! Link to comment
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