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THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

SuperDave71

By SuperDave71
in Getting Back Together

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musashi Apprentice

musashi

Posted
Posted
Wow that is a lot of push and pulling. You are very strong. Anything like that with my ex would send me throught the roof. In some ways it easy doing NC, but when those opportunities present themselves they can be inviting. You did the right thing by re-blocking her number. Good luck on NC

 

Thanks for the support. I don't feel particularly strong. As a matter of fact, this is my worse breakup ever. This is also the first time that I have not jumped into another relationship almost immediately. I am taking this time for myself to heal and try to get my sh*t together.

 

It is very difficult because she is not the type to play games and she is very strong willed. She thinks this is the best thing for us and I feel that no matter how down she gets, or how much she misses me, she will not come back. However, when she does contact me, I cannot help myself but to respond. My heart beats wildly and my spirit rises with hope. None of our contact has been a setback for me so far. It is the lack of contact that hurts.

 

The circumstances of our breakup were mainly caused by external factors and there is nothing that happened between us that cannot be repaired. We NEVER fought, argued, or anything. We always enjoyed each other's company greatly but, unfortunately, that apparently was not enough to overcome the things the world throws at us.

 

I struggle every day with wanting to tell her that I love her and will wait for her, as long as it takes. She was my north star and without her I feel lost in the world. She gave me direction and purpose. When I thought of her I smiled. But I fear that telling her these things would only make her feel more guilty and drive her away. Hence, NC.

 

My mind is telling me that there is no hope for reconciliation but my heart is clinging to the small, miniscule possibility that she will miraculously change her mind. God, I miss her so much but I know that I must move on.

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Crows Enthusiast

Crows

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Well my ex finally responded again from last night saying

 

"my christmas was lovely,, and things are about the same since we last talked"

 

very vague... beucase the last times we talked her bf came over drunk and she was balling for an hour.....

 

shes being very distant again. Time to back off and leave her alone again.

 

She doesnt want to talk about any of that stuff.

 

Advice?

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musashi Apprentice

musashi

Posted
Posted
Musashi,

 

Hang in there. The human spirit is an amazing thing and given time, you will heal.

 

I feel your pain as do a lot of us on this board. I could've written the same post you just wrote word for word.

 

Stay strong...

 

Thanks, Jeffster. This forum has been a godsend to me. I hope to get to the point where I can be more active and give advice and comfort for people as they come here.

 

The funny part is that, in the real world, I know of no one that has a happy and healthy relationship. Everyone I know should come to this forum and read the heartache and pain that is laying about. Maybe it would help them in their current relationship and keep them from making stupid mistakes and decisions. Kindof like how everyone who is healthy should volunteer at a hospital so that, at the end of the day, they can appreciate their health.

 

I hear my friends complain about their relationship and I shake my head. You never know what you have until it is gone.

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yo Enthusiast

yo

Posted
Posted
My mind is telling me that there is no hope for reconciliation but my heart is clinging to the small, miniscule possibility that she will miraculously change her mind. God, I miss her so much but I know that I must move on.

 

You just stole the words from my mouth. I know exactly what you are going through.

 

I am sooo temped to just send her a text message. But, I know she will not reply and I am going to get really hurt. The worst thing that could happen is - I'll just be waiting and waiting for her reply and it's never going to come and I'll again go over my cyle of emotions - hurt, anger, sadness etc.

 

I think she's become more like an addiction. And I feel NC is like rehab. I need this to get myself back. I need to get over my addiction. I need to start feeling happy for myself just being myself. I want to get to a stage where I am happy regardless of anyone being or not being there with me.

 

So, I've promised myself that until I get to that stage where whatever my ex does doesn't affect me, I am NOT going to contact her again. I know she will never ever contact me - she's gone back to her ex - who just a doormat and did whatever she wanted him to. I guess that's what she wants!! I have stopped snooping around too as I know its not going to get me anywhere.

 

But, I don't know why all the bad things happen together. I don't have her, I don't have a job and I don't even have my own house to stay I am hoping things cannot get any worse. I think I have hit rock bottom and the only way to go now is UP. Stay strong everyone. Happy days are going to be around soon!!!

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yo Enthusiast

yo

Posted
Posted

I make myself sick thinking about her with her new gf.

 

She left me for her pyscho, stalking, doormat ex whom she used to hate so much. Now, she just loves him and can't live without him. * * * !!!

 

I still cant believe this all happened so fast (for me anyways)

Me neither. I feel soo sick thinking that she was planning all this!! I never saw it coming, atleast not this fast!! Now she feels like some strange person whom I don't even know anymore.

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iwillbefine Newbie

iwillbefine

Posted
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I just found this site through a google search trying to anticipate what is next in this whole break up thing. I think I should take this challenge even though I don't think it will be that hard so far. My boyfriend of 9 months broke it off last week just before Christmas. We had been living together, and after the break up he pack some clothes and left saying he would be back to get the rest, and I told him that I would most likely not be there. I packed the rest of his things and left to visit my family for Christmas. While I was away he came back for the rest of his things. My roomate was home, so he and her talked a few times about when he would be by and then again when he told her he had come back for the last things and left rent money.

 

I have had a really hard time dealing with this but the night he left I immediately deleted him and all his family/friends phone numbers from my phone, and all of our pictures from myspace. I also moved him out of my top friends so that it wouldn't be the first thing I saw when I logged on, but didn't delete him because I think that is silly. We had a great relationship and we best friends. I most definatly want to have a relationship with him, but I need time to work on myself, and get over it before I can talk to him again.

 

He hasn't tried to contact me, but he has also had conversations with my roomate about me, so he hasn't been "away" from me just yet. I don't know what will happen in the future since this whole thing came as such a shock in the first place.

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bostoneric Newbie

bostoneric

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Posted

Yup now when I look back at the last 2 months I think about the ex going out with this girl (which she told me was just dinner with girls from work)

I think they "dated" at least 4 times before she broke up with me.

1 time being right after we had a couples therapy session, we didnt even get a chance to talk about the session..

she lied and hid it from me till I finally got her to admit she cheated, she felt horrible for a short amount of time. then I felt horrible that I kissed her goodnight the night she stayed out till 2am kissing this girl.

 

I know the first night she went out with her it was supposed to be to find out about the drama the lesbian girl was having with another girl. I guess they connected that night and that was the downfall for me.

I objected to her meeting her that night but it still happened.

 

I'm still in shock somebody who said they loved me so much and made lift plans with me and asked me to move x-courntry with her dropping my life still was able to just throw away what "we" had so easily.

 

but when i look back at her relationship history this isnt the first time shes done something like this. but I thought she grew out of it, we had the longest relationship she's ever had by far.

 

the temptation the lesbian girl put out there was to much for her I guess.

we had talked about "what if I could just have the experience 1 time" I 100% objected to it saying it would ruin our relationship. so she made her choice and now i'm starting my new life with a broken heart.

 

 

She left me for her pyscho, stalking, doormat ex whom she used to hate so much. Now, she just loves him and can't live without him. * * * !!!

 

 

Me neither. I feel soo sick thinking that she was planning all this!! I never saw it coming, atleast not this fast!! Now she feels like some strange person whom I don't even know anymore.

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miss_chris Explorer

miss_chris

Posted
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hey guys im trying the NC thing too after my ex told me he didnt want nothing to do with me, so thats exactly what im doing! also on my phone i changed his name to "NC remember!" just to remind me if he ever texts me or if i feel like texting him, NOT TO!!! even though he hasn't yet but im sure the day will come, and i changed his ringer to this awesome ringtone i found so if he calls it plays 'do not answer this call, its someone you dont want to talk to so dont even look at your phone" i'm sure it will help me out when/if he does call.

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yo Enthusiast

yo

Posted
Posted
Yup now when I look back at the last 2 months I think about the ex going out with this girl (which she told me was just dinner with girls from work)

I think they "dated" at least 4 times before she broke up with me.

 

Yes, I agree. They never leave us until they are SURE that they have something else going for them. They always plan it out. I hate it when they become so manipulative and use us till they need us and then dump us!!!

 

but when i look back at her relationship history this isnt the first time shes done something like this. but I thought she grew out of it, we had the longest relationship she's ever had by far.

 

I think the same. My curent ex has been just jumping around from one r/ship to another. Feels like she doesn't really know what she wants. One day she loves me, next day she doesn't. All these months she was hating her ex. Now, he's a star Her Knight in shiny armour and I am the bad guy. Sometimes I feel good that she left me. I don't want to be with someone soo immature and confused about what they want. They're not only screwing up their lives, but also our lives!!!

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yo Enthusiast

yo

Posted
Posted
hey guys im trying the NC thing too after my ex told me he didnt want nothing to do with me, so thats exactly what im doing! also on my phone i changed his name to "NC remember!" just to remind me if he ever texts me or if i feel like texting him, NOT TO!!! even though he hasn't yet but im sure the day will come, and i changed his ringer to this awesome ringtone i found so if he calls it plays 'do not answer this call, its someone you dont want to talk to so dont even look at your phone" i'm sure it will help me out when/if he does call.

 

If you're really serious about NC, I think you should just del his ph number. That's what I did.

 

All this changing his name to "NC remember" and using a different ring tone, makes it look like you're still HOPING that he might call/text you. The sooner you give up the hope, the sooner you can heal and move on.

 

Just my two cents. Good Luck with your NC.

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bostoneric Newbie

bostoneric

Posted
Posted

I know partly she had "cold feet" , could I be the one???

when we talked about settling down and making plans for our future together she always got "gun shy" by the word setting. to her it meant she was settling on me, not settling down.

 

yup I was her crutch when we lived on the east coast (my home town) we went through a rocky patch approx 1 year ago, similiar problems. taking each other for granted, we were able to get through it and came out on top with even more love for each other...

this time we were in her home town, she was all setup and a girl was interested in her, so i feel it was just easier for her to "try something new" then settling down for the long haul....

 

:splat:

 

 

 

Yes, I agree. They never leave us until they are SURE that they have something else going for them. They always plan it out. I hate it when they become so manipulative and use us till they need us and then dump us!!!

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musashi Apprentice

musashi

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Posted

I am sooo temped to just send her a text message. But, I know she will not reply and I am going to get really hurt. The worst thing that could happen is - I'll just be waiting and waiting for her reply and it's never going to come and I'll again go over my cyle of emotions - hurt, anger, sadness etc.

 

Any contact I make with my ex will be replied to. She is very kind and would return any calls, texts, emails, etc. UNLESS she gets involved with someone else. Then she would cease all contact with me except maybe to say that she is involved. She claims that she is not wanting to get into another relationship and I believe her. She actually said that it will be near impossible for her to find anyone as good as me. But I do know that if the right guy comes along then...

thereforeeee, I let her initiate all contact because if I were to contact her and receive no reply I would know that she is involved with someone else. At this stage in my healing, that would be a huge setback.

 

I need to start feeling happy for myself just being myself. I want to get to a stage where I am happy regardless of anyone being or not being there with me.

 

This is so true for me as well. I have had girlfriends my whole life and never established a life of my own. We need to make ourselves happy with ourselves. Looking for our happiness in others is only a recipe for disaster.

 

 

I have stopped snooping around too as I know its not going to get me anywhere.

 

Good. I have found that snooping only brings pain. During my NC period I do no google searches, no myspace spying, no talk to mutual friends about her, etc. I try to go on like she does not exist. Though, I must admit, I check my email and voicemail about a hundred times a day.

 

But, I don't know why all the bad things happen together. I don't have her, I don't have a job and I don't even have my own house to stay I am hoping things cannot get any worse. I think I have hit rock bottom and the only way to go now is UP. Stay strong everyone. Happy days are going to be around soon!!!

 

Tell me about it. "If it is not one thing it is ten" an older gentleman I used to work with said all the time. I too have lost my girl, my job, my residence, my family maliciously backstabbed me, I am in the middle of a custody battle (which it looks like I am going to lose), and my aunt only has a matter of a few days left before lung cancer takes her. It seems everywhere I turn is disaster.

 

But we can pull through it. Hell, we have to. The world keeps spinning whether we like it or not. It is up to us to enjoy the ride.

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bostoneric Newbie

bostoneric

Posted
Posted

ok today I am forcing myself to take a step forward in getting my life back.

like many of you I was forced to leave my house, my job, and who I thought was my love....

 

I am writing her an email (even though I know it breakes day 2 of NC)

I so want to make the subject... "I need stuff out of that house of lies" but i'm sure I would receive an email back something to the effect, sure its all out front waiting for the trash truck.

 

 

I need this stuff asap.

My suit, dress shoes, dress shirts, ties, etc... (job/interview stuff)

any mail since I've left.

my blue records binder, (it was in the upstairs closet outside the master bedroom)

 

Mail it to:

XXXX

 

 

I'm not even going to put her name or my name in it.

this is the stuff that really pisses me off, that I dropped my life to move x-country to be with her to start our family and now I am forced to drop everything again but this time under sh*tty circumstances with no plans.

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musashi Apprentice

musashi

Posted
Posted
i guess maybe i am still hoping he will call cuz then atleast it would mean that i actually did mean something to him.. i dno. i hate break ups

 

Trust me, you mean something to him. He still thinks about you and at times probably misses you. However, not to the degree that you think about him. Whereas your feelings are probably more of longing his are more along the lines of guilt. This seems to be the general rule of the dumpee/dumper relationship after a break up.

 

I like what you did with his phone number and ringtone. I have a program on my phone that allows me to block calls, send them to voicemail, or just hang up on them. I have her set to go straight to voicemail. That way I will not accidentally pick up the phone when she calls or when I am in a particularly vulnerable mood. When she calls I call her back when I am ready and prepared. She did trick me one time by calling me from a friends cell phone. Luckily for me I was in a great mood at the time and quite cheerful.

 

Btw, they always seem to call when you least expect it. It is like a 6th sense or something. Dumper E.S.P.

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bostoneric Newbie

bostoneric

Posted
Posted

I'm still having issues with this email she sent me over a week ago

(tomorrow is 3 weeks since she broke up with me first thing in the AM, saturday will be 3 weeks since i forced myself to leave)

 

her email

i promise you, you are going to be more than okay one day. one day it will all make sense.

this is a very important time for you and you need to embrace it. you can do anything you want, live anywhere you want. it's all up to you.

you should take full advantage of the opportunity. you have great friends and an incredibly supportive family. i hope we can remain very good friends too.

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foleno Newbie

foleno

Posted
Posted

That is hurtful, being with some one so long. My ex was soo nice and understanding after are breck up. Then after talking the next day she did a 360. I asked her for my things back and would respect her space, by getting my things from her brother when she is not thier, she just told me do stop bothering and get over it. like i said the day be4 she was like no i care about you. Ur a great guy. you can get your things. I do not know why people do this, but it happeds. Thanks for sharing. Good luck

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yo Enthusiast

yo

Posted
Posted
Any contact I make with my ex will be replied to. She is very kind and would return any calls, texts, emails, etc. UNLESS she gets involved with someone else. Then she would cease all contact with me except maybe to say that she is involved.

 

That's the way to go I think. All of my prev exes replied back to my mails and spoke to me properly when I called. EXCEPT my current ex who's just stone cold Doesn't pick up calls, doesn't return calls, doesn't reply back to mails. I just gave up.

 

Though, I must admit, I check my email and voicemail about a hundred times a day.

lol.. I used to do it too. Don't do it anymore.

 

Once I did the same as what your ex did..lol I called my ex from my friend's phone and tricked her..thought atleast she'd talk then..the whole plan backfired I had read her blogs a minute earlier and she'd said that she was at home, doing nothing, getting bored. I called her and she said "she was BUSY"!!!! and hung up on me. That's when I realised it's really not worth it! She doesn't want anything from me anymore. I have a life too!!! And it's too short to waste on people who don't appreciate you. It's been straight NC from then on.

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bostoneric Newbie

bostoneric

Posted
Posted

so after a long last few days of hearbreak

 

I've come up with a short term plan and it feels nice.

 

1. start pushing for a new job,

2. get all my stuff out of that house of lies

3. find a place to live with a good loyal friend.

 

and 4 which is really hard for me because I still care so much

send her a long hand written letter telling her many many different things.

but basically so she sees what she did to me and my emotions.

what do I expect from that, no idea other then to get it out.

maybe its the slap in the face she needs, since nobody else including her family is willing to do it... will i 100% close the door on her in my life.

no, i have never done it to anybody who i've cared about.

 

it will be a long thought out process and i'm sure i'll rewrite it many times.

 

:splat:

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