THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[millionaire1]

I'm feeling soso today. Up and down with my emotions. I felt pretty good last night. Probably because I was out Christmas shopping with my daughter and just being busy. Right now I'm up and down with sadness, anger, wishful thinking, and loneliness. I know I keep saying this but it's really ticking me off that he's not trying to talk to me. I know it shouldn't matter because really, who is he? But, unfortunately it's bothering me.

 

I guess I gave him too much power over my emotions. I know that for the next time I get envolved with someone, I'm not going to allow them to get me emotionally envolved to the depth that I was with my ex. I'm not giving them all of my time and energy. I'm not even going to allow them to talk to me everyday because that creates a dependancy. The only time I'll do all of that is the day that I'm married or maybe a little after being engaged for awhile. But simply someone just being my "boyfriend", . . . not anymore.

 

I have to say that I get jealous when I hear about other people's situations of break up because usually their ex is still trying to contact them. My ex only sends occasional forwards.

[Mhaira]

Still in the midst of a strong emotional relapse, missing him more than ever. I have a date tomorrow, too, and want to be in the best frame of mind to properly enjoy it instead of focusing on someone who does not want me.

[bethy84]

I am on day two of the "official" no contact. I am wondering why he hasn't started contacting ME yet though. Other times we have broken up he has started contacting me a few times a week but whilst he tried last week he hasn't tried once this week. I am also thinknig his mum has told him to back off and let me be...I can see her trying to protect me in this way but i want him to realise that we belong together! After 6 years I still want to be with forever, and although he says he does also he is not ready for marriage, which is why we are in this mess in the first place i still want him and only him.

[thedude27]

Months ago I could have written something very similar. I can tell you it was the catalyst for me to really let go of her. I got a pretty cold response to my pain...Basically she told me she was right to treat me the way she did(completely quit talking to me). After that when I mentioned any part she had in this she said she had to go and hung up. That pretty much infuriated me and it was my ticket to a lot less pain. Its what started me on real NC. So as much as what happened sucked, its going to help you if you let it.

[thedude27]

while you were investing yourself further, she was planning the break-up. while you were ordering food out, she was thinking "can I really do this"... when you were thinking of her and the future, she was thinking of the best day to break up with you...

 

that's what happened to her. who you thought was really there, wasn't at all...

 

 

So true...and so extremely cowardly of them. I cant say I didnt know it was at least a possiblity with a person like her and I did have some signs...

 

Oh well, she lost so much more than I did In truth I didnt lose much on paper...for me it was more getting love from someone that is in extremely short supply of love. That was a pretty big draw for me(yea I've got the whole knight thing going on). I think it made me feel good to give her something she didnt get and doesnt have much of. I showed her something she has never seen or felt(and she told me that). She truly appreciated that in the beginning...I think as time went on it was taken for granted or maybe she just wanted more that I didnt give. I think she believes any slob off the street can make her feel the way I did or that having a life that fits neatly in a box will. I wish her luck on that. lol

[crab62]

yeah but you see... in order to get engaged or be married, you have to go through the boyfriend phase. if you ever want to be married, you will have to risk again, unfortuntately. you didn't give too much power, you loved and you gave that to him... that's what it takes to have a relationship. just because he isn't able to give back to that same degree, doesn't make what you did wrong. in order to get married, you will have to give yourself... that's what it's about. he left because he couldn't give himself... and thank gawd he left before he married you and then couldn't give himself, ugggh.

 

i think you should read some books on narcissism. when someone leaves you to the cold degree that your ex has left, and my ex as left, it's a good sign that were narcassistic. if you can find the book "help, i'm in love with a narcassist", it might help to read it... it has helped alot with me.

 

i know... it's disheartening to hear about all the other ex's getting in touch... but that's just the way it is. our's is not trying to contact us, and we need to accept that. it has been 6 weeks tomorrow since my exbf has walked out, and he hasn't tried to contact me once. tell me that is not f'd up.

 

hang in there... and stay strong. one day at a time.

[cb663]

i did nc for about 2 months. i contacted her tuesday it was nice we texted back and forth for a little bit. im waiting for her to contact me next.

[millionaire1]

Yeah I guess you're right. I'm going to have to give a little something of myself. I don't believe that I have to give my all though until I'm married. I'm interested in that book you mentioned. I may just look it up, thanks.

[millionaire1]

I showed her something she has never seen or felt(and she told me that). She truly appreciated that in the beginning...

 

That's my same story. He told me that he never had someone so nurturing as I was and shown him love the way I did. He said he never experienced the kind of care and devotion I showed him. Hmmmmmmm..... so why he leave? Well that's his loss.

[millionaire1]

I'm feeling pretty good today. I talked with my brother about my situation last night to get a male's perspective and that helped alot. He's also telling me not to contact my ex. Especially since men are the hunters and I'm the one to be chased. He said that if he was still interested, he'll be coming after me. He told me that I just need to focus on healing and stop dwelling on it.

 

My ex did send me an invite for yahoo in my email. I'm wondering if when he signed up for it if it automatically sent invites to everyone in his contact list or if he personally sent the invite to me. I'm not going to accept the invitation though. If he wants to talk to me then he needs to make some real efforts.

[Robert013]

I went and did all my christmas shopping this morning. At first I felt lost and a bit upset. I haven't had to do this alone for 10 years. Wow. Then i thought wait a second i can buy watever the hell I want and she can't try to convince me not to. I can go buy a beebee gun for my son and she will not yell at me.. I didn't, but knowing I could have was liberating. So then i started to smile and i actually enjoyed it. it turned into a game for a little while. i was checking out stuff and testing things i wouldn't dream of with her there because she would scold me like a little kid not anymore girl. Guy stuff golf clubs, mountain bikes, power tools, i hit the heavy bag a few times they had set up. I even had them give me a riffle to check out. I don't hunt anymore so i wasn't going to buy it. Yea I was having fun. ALONE!

 

Also to make myself feel better i started trying on clothes. I have lost around 25 pounds in three months. i am feeling healthy. So i grab a size down from what I usually where in jeans thinking these will be fine. They were real loose and fell down. The next size down i was thinking no way, and they were perfect.AWESOME. I haven't been a 34w 32l since high school. then it hit me I am looking good. "F" yea!

 

So i went all out and bought a whole new outfit new shoes nice shirt and the "skinny" new pair of jeans new belt to match the shoes. i deserve a christmas present to right?

 

I am going out tonight with friends sporting my new gear. i am excited. Being single and back in the mix might be just the thing i needed after all.

[millionaire1]

Also to make myself feel better i started trying on clothes. I have lost around 25 pounds in three months. i am feeling healthy. So i grab a size down from what I usually where in jeans thinking these will be fine. They were real loose and fell down. The next size down i was thinking no way, and they were perfect.AWESOME. I haven't been a 34w 32l since high school. then it hit me I am looking good. "F" yea!

 

So i went all out and bought a whole new outfit new shoes nice shirt and the "skinny" new pair of jeans new belt to match the shoes. i deserve a christmas present to right?

 

I am going out tonight with friends sporting my new gear. i am excited. Being single and back in the mix might be just the thing i needed after all.

 

Good for you!!!!!!!

[jennamajig]

Someone is testing me today and my emotions are very high.

 

I saw the ex. We work at the same university, so eventually I'd probably see him walking or such. I was going to the post office, feeling okay, when I passed him in line at Starbucks. I don't think he saw me and I didn't stop walking.

 

Then I go to pick up my pay stub at our business office. I get my envelope, open it, and along with my pay stub they have have put his! Gah! I took it out and returned it, telling the office it wasn't mine.

 

I won't call him - I don't even know the number. But I'm crying today and I can't seem to turn it off. He's not worth it and he's not crying over me. Is someone testing me?

 

NC is still intact, but my emotions aren't at the moment.

[thedude27]

I can go buy a beebee gun for my son and she will not yell at me.. I didn't, but knowing I could have was liberating.

 

Lol, I sense a "A Christmas Story" moment in the making.

[Robert013]

Lol, I sense a "A Christmas Story" moment in the making.

 

I know. lol.. Love that christmas movie. That is why i didn't get it for him he is to young. i let him shoot my beebee gun under my supervision of course.

[Robert013]

I was sitting her feeling a little low after my high this morning reading some threads. i was reading about if you should contact them on christmas and I am not of course. She has been on my mind all afternoon for some reason.

 

I hear the beep from my phone alerting me of a text message and before I even picked it up I knew it was from her. I almost always know when it is from her before I even pick up my phone. I find this to be real strange? Does any one else ever sense that it is their ex when they try to make contact?

 

It hasn't even been a week this time. Her contact attempts are getting closer together. Same message as last time she just resent it. Telling me about her aunt who is sick. I love her family but this information is not any of my business now. Then goes on with how she wants a book from me now after she said I could have it. I don't want to give it to her not out of spite just because i am sick of this run around. It has been over 3 months it is time to go our separate ways. she will just think of something else. This is her way of stringing me along whenshe is with someone else.

 

i am not quite done with it I have about 50 more pages that I was going to read on Sunday my sad day.

 

the problem is even if I give it to a mutual friend to give to her she has still succeeded in making contact. i am drawing the line. The last time she needed something right away i droped it off at a mutual friends and she didn't pick it up for over a month. Real urgent right?

 

NC continues.

[zrehman]

December 19th 2008

 

It's not even been a day, only about an hour. I asked her what she thinks about "us" and I poured my heart to her and she could respond ... "I don't know" ... I can't pretend to not be emotionally involved, so I told her since she is confused about "us" and she told me that she is just focused on herself and nothing else right now (which I think is bull) ... I know she wants me around while she is figuring out what she wants to do with me, but I'm not gonna give her that. Instead, I'm gonna give her what she wants, I'm gonna let her solely focus on her career and do what she wants with her life with me NOT IN IT.

 

So let the days begin and I hope to be strong and not break the NC rule!

[crab62]

jen!!.. good for you!! way to stay strong by returning that check!, that's awesome. You could have come up with so many reasons to get in touch with him cause of that... and it very well could have been innocent... but you did great, I'm so proud of you!!

 

maybe you are being tested... who knows... but you passed!

 

it's hard I know... I'm struggling too. I am reading this book "Help, I'm in love with a narcassist" and it really explains alot. Doesn't change who he is, but explains his behavior and makes me feel less at fault.

 

Good job today.. way to stay strong!

[crab62]

day 20... really? I am at day 20?.. that's amazing!! who would have thought

 

I've been feeling sad lately... on and off. I cry hard now and then cause it still hurts.

 

I realized tonight that I am still single cause I made sure I could take care of myself before I gave myself over to a man, before I got married. I never wanted to be married with no options.

 

Well I am independent, and I made sure that I can take care of myself... that's for sure... but the consequence of that, is that I am still single. This "is" the choice I made I guess.

 

So when I look at couples in the stores and wonder why I can't have that and why I didn't have that earlier in my life... I now realize it's because I didn't choose it. I never wanted to be dependent on man, ever... I never wanted to not work and have babies and have no career... I never wanted that. I never wanted to not make my own money. I never wanted to depend on a man's paycheck. I wanted to always make sure "I" could take care of myself. I guess I fulfilled that goal.

 

I realize now that it was probably hard for me to remain independent yet find a man that you can trust... I needed to be independent first... and maybe that screwed me into finding a good guy... cause alot of the good guys are gone... to the woman who take them early, to the woman who could trust them. I never could at an early age, and myabe I'm paying for that now, who knows.

 

I keep trying, I keep trying over and over... but I think all the good guys are taken (except for the ones on this board of course )

 

Sorry.. just rambling... but I miss the jerk... especially on weekends... no actually I miss him all the time... and why. He walked out on me on 11/7/08 and I haven't heard from him since. I don't think he's worth missing.

 

Today is 6 weeks exactly since the break-up... I guess I should celebrate... at least I won't be being pushed off a building like I was 6 weeks ago... by the man I thought loved me... at least I won't have that.

[zrehman]

Hey hun - way to go! I'm very very impressed with your progress! I'm actually on my 12th hour of NC and it's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I just need to be strong and not text, call, email her EVER again. I know that she is a lot stronger than me and probably won't even contact me anymore.

 

You will definitely have your moments of ups and downs ... but when you feel yourself breaking, just think back to the reason why you left him ... hopefully that might stir up the feelings that gave you the strength to leave him. I pray that I can get to the 6th week with NC ... so as of now, you are my hero

 

Has he tried contacting you in the last 6 weeks?

[crab62]

Hey hun - way to go! I'm very very impressed with your progress! I'm actually on my 12th hour of NC and it's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I just need to be strong and not text, call, email her EVER again. I know that she is a lot stronger than me and probably won't even contact me anymore.

 

You will definitely have your moments of ups and downs ... but when you feel yourself breaking, just think back to the reason why you left him ... hopefully that might stir up the feelings that gave you the strength to leave him. I pray that I can get to the 6th week with NC ... so as of now, you are my hero

 

Has he tried contacting you in the last 6 weeks?

 

hi, thanks for you kind words We talked for a few days after the break-up, only cause I was calling crying... then I started NC and called again on Thanksgiving. He never called back and instead emailed me said to stop calling... so I stopped calling and that was it. There has been no communication either way since then. I know I can't call him, cause it will send me spiraling down like it did on Thansgiving and that was awful... thinking that I was hurting so bad and calling him and he returned nothing

 

I didn't leave him, he left me.. 2x in the year we dated. ... but it's okay, it was meant to be like this I guess... so I just have to weather this storm.

 

... but congrats to you on your 12th hour, that's awesome!! Little by little, day by day, you will get there. If you are serious about NC, you'll do it.. but it's also hard if the other person is contacting you. In my case, he is not... so I don't have to deal with the added pressure of not calling back... I guess I should thank him cause in a way he's helping me stay NC, if that makes sense.

 

Well hang in there. Why did you break-up?, and how long ago?

[zrehman]

Thanks. My ex is a lot stronger than me, and I'm pretty sure she will not make any attempts to call me. She is also very attractive and never had a problem in getting a guys attention. So many guys are willing to do anything for her .... so I know she will not be calling me. She always did tell me during our course of our 4 year relationship that I was the best bf ever to her and that all her other ex's cheated on her, abused her, etc.. But still, I think from the attention she will be getting from other guys, she will not even think for a second of contacting me .. she is a bartender so she will be getting hit on every night! lol - Lucky her.

 

Well we had a rough 4 year relationship, 2 years was Long Distance and while in the long distance, she cheated on me twice, broke up with me countless times and I never once retaliated any anger back towards her and always took her back into my arms every time she said sorry. I think I spoiled her in the sense that she got used to messing up and me taking her back. You can read my post:

 

 

 

Basically she is in the "I don't know" stage about us ... I think its bull, cause I think she does know, but doesn't want to open to tell me. But I'm tired of always being taken advantage of in our relationship and I wrote her a long email telling her my feelings and telling her that since she doesn't know were I stand in her life, more like a "?" mark, than I need time to move on and heal. And so began my NC today

 

I'm actually gonna be in Chicago from Feb. 6th - May 10th for a Kaplan Step 1 course. Where abouts in Chicago do you live?

[crab62]

aw sorry she cheated on you and broke up with you 2x.. that's awful and not very honest, and she sure doesn't sound like she knows what she wants...ugggh. breaking up with you multiple times like that is abuse, I think... I think it's abusive to keep doing that to someone over and over... but it's up to us to stop it.

 

cheating is the worst... i know, my exbf had a longtime woman friend who kept in contact with him... who caused us all kind of problems. when i broke into his email right after the break-up... guess who he was emailing](*,) yeah stupid me to listen to him all the time that nothing was going on, puhlease! oh well, they can have each other... they are both dishonest and she hangs around with married men and causes all kinds of problems with marriages and this was a woman my exbf was interested in? yuk!! let him have her... they deserve each other.

 

(just a note... I haven't gone back into his email since then... I won't do that to myself again, uggh)

 

it's very hard to have a relationship with someone who has been dishonest with you. trust is something that is earned... not expected... and like your ex and my ex... they kind of blew in on that one, don't you think?

 

well congrats on your NC. it does work, however, it's hard. but like I said... my exbf would probably never pick up the phone even if i did call, so that makes it easier on me.

 

just hang on the no contact thread here and post when you are feeling blue, and you'll get through it...

 

and just remember.. there are a ton of good women out there who are looking for good guys... and there are a ton of good women who would never cheat on their man or be dishonest with them. i think you are worth that

 

hang in there, be strong! {{{HUGS}}}

[crab62]

so let's see... day 21... hmmmmm... how am I supposed to feel on day 21?

 

well today is the first day all week that I woke up and didn't feel like I had an elephant on my chest... so that is good!! I actually woke up at 2:00am and I swear I noticed it then, it was really weird. I feel a little lighter today, and I think that's good.

 

I'm also chatting on a narcassist forum which is helping. It helping to remove the blame from me that it was all my fault. Relationships take two people... relationships take compromise and communication and respect and honestly... all which my exbf would not do. He blamed it on all me which was ridiculous. I know I was not perfect.. and I'm realing through that narcassistic forum and some books that I probably was just a fantasy for him... something to fill the hole inside he possessed. I would notice that alot when he would refer to me as "somebody"... as in "it's great to have someone in bed with me". "someone I'd say?".... or "it's great to come home to someone"?. "someone I'd say?". He never got it. I don't think he ever said "it's so good to have you in my life"... instead he'd say "it's so good to have someone in my life". I was just someone to him... not crab62.

 

So onward I go... into day 21. I have my horse riding lesson today which is always great. I can't wait until God gives me the okay to get my horse... I'm just waiting for the calling. I know that when the time is right, I will know. I have faith in my trainer that when she thinks I'm ready... the horse will appear and all will fall into place... I hope I hope, he he

 

So that's the plan for my Saturday... day 21 of NC. I am here, am I going to make the best of it

[zrehman]

Thanks ... I'll do my best for you and I will take your advice. If I start breaking down. I'll definitely write my thoughts ... maybe that will help.