THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[PJPaul]

Day 2

 

even thought she told me she loved me the left for another guy i find myself unable to be mad at her. Even though people say she is unstable and she will never be good relationship material I hope that maybe one day she will be. At this point i dont want her back because i see now that she is unhappy with herself and will never be happy with a man and will continue to jump around spreading false love and breaking men, but i still cant find it in my heart to be mean to her. Maybe im werid, maybe im weak but I feel with NC things will become more clear and the days, weeks and months go on

[starlight40]

Day 3, I shudder, i got to day 4 last time so heres hoping, im feeling 50/50 between weak and strong, im not going to contact him but im still doing the looking at my phone every 10 mins to see if he will break, im sure hel be doing the same thing though. Im not sure why i even want him to contact its a bit like a drug, you want the attention but really why do i want it when i know it would never work, strange indeed. I want to forget.

[hulk7280]

Day 3, I shudder, i got to day 4 last time so heres hoping, im feeling 50/50 between weak and strong, im not going to contact him but im still doing the looking at my phone every 10 mins to see if he will break, im sure hel be doing the same thing though. Im not sure why i even want him to contact its a bit like a drug, you want the attention but really why do i want it when i know it would never work, strange indeed. I want to forget.

 

thats why ive been leving my phone in the car when im at work!

[starlight40]

thats why ive been leving my phone in the car when im at work!

 

haha, yeah i should just leave my phone at home when i go to work.

[quirky]

Day 4

Starlight, i'm in a similar position, it feels like an addiction of some sort! though I'm pretty sure he's not doing the same after everything I said, I don't know how I find the strength to deny him..

Doesn't feel good, I'm scared I've lost him for good, nooone is gonna fancy me again, bla bla bla..gradually convincing myself that he doesn't love me as much as I thought. I feel a little pathetic as I keep checking for any online activity from him. Gotta REALLY put the focus back on me as I've lost my direction.Nevertheless, I'm not ringing

[Jester1586]

I thought about her almost all day again today, but I felt a lot better today that I did yesterday. My thought today were thoughts about why our relationship ended, and what it meant.

 

I'm fairly certain the number one reason she wanted to end it and the cause of why she got depressed in the first place, was the loss of her grandmother during the spring. Her family is extremely close, and the reason why I'd be the one to move down to be with her, instead of her moving to be with me. She took the loss extremely hard, which was expected, but the fact that I wasn't able to fly or drive down to be with her during that troubling time, caused her to feel alone. Don't the wrong idea though, I wanted more than anything to be next to her through that experience, it was just the worst possible timing in the world. I was swamped at work, and with school. I had no money to afford to fly down there, and my car was in the shop with engine trouble so I couldn't drive anywhere. By the time I finally got down to she her, the damage was done, and I felt her change a little bit, but she never came out and told me what was bothering her, no matter how often I asked.

 

Eventually, after we broke up, I wrote her a message asking why she was depressed, and that was part of the answer she gave me. Said stuff like she knew I couldn't be there every time she had a bad day, but she always found herself expecting me to be there to hold her every time she needed me too, and every time I wasn't there, it hurt her more. So she had to end it, because she didn't want to feel like she needed me to be emotionally responsible for her, when I couldn't physically do it for her, no matter how often I talked to her on the phone. I was always there for her, but not always physically there. I guess that's the number one reason long distance relationships are so hard.

 

The other reason I think she wanted to break up was because we had broken up once before in the past. About two months after we started dating, I called her up to end it. I was feeling things for her that scared me. I'd never felt that way, and I didn't want to fall for anyone then. Especially someone over 500 miles away. I had just finished getting over my first long term relationship, so I was afraid I was just using her, and I didn't want to lead her on. After five or six weeks of being apart I realized I still wanted to be with her, and we talked, and got back together. She told me after we broke up two weeks ago that she never really forgave me for breaking her heart two years before that. And that she never got over the pain. That surprised me though, as I had no idea, and she never once mentioned it. I partly think she doesn't mean that, because I can't believe she wouldn't have mentioned it before in the two years since we got back together.

 

Just thinking about why we broke up, it kind of makes me feel a little better. There's really nothing I could have done to make it better. If she was feeling alone and depressed, me seeing her would cheer her up for a week or so, but as soon as I returned home, she'd just be as depressed, if not more so.

 

I went on Myspace today for the first time since I sent her my last message. I don't know exactly why I went on there, I told myself I wanted to hear a song, but I could find it anywhere. I think deep down I wanted to see if she'd replied to the message I sent her a week ago. She hadn't. I clicked on her page for some reason, and what I saw surprised me. She still has me as her #1 friend on her top friends list, even after changing her relationship status to single. I had expected to be off there, or at least behind her best friend. Honestly, it made me very happy to see that. Maybe I'm reading to much into it, but it makes me think she's not ready for this to be over, just needs her space for the time being. I was quickly off her page, as I knew where it would lead. I'd eventually be looking at her pictures, or sending her a comment, and undoing everything Ive been trying to do. Which is to learn to be able to live without her if she truly doesn't want to stay with me.

 

I don't think my feelings for her will ever change, and quite frankly I don't really want them too. I never want to forget the impact she had on my life. I've become a better man having been with her, and I'm forever thankful she entered my life. I just hope she'll remain in my life forever.

 

Aside from realizing the things that, in my mind, caused the break-up, I thought up my three biggest relationship flaws. The first I talked about in my last post. Me being jealous of her relationship with her guy friends. That one is fixable, just needs to be a conscious effort to not be so possessive. I know I can do it. The other two, also seem fixable.

 

The second is my attentiveness. When we'd talk on the phone, I never seemed to want to say anything, despite my urging that we needed to speak more. I'd always limit myself to one word answers. Like 'yes', 'sure', 'uh huh', etc. I have no excuse for that. Sometimes I was tired, or doing something else, but that's not good enough. I should be able to say more than 'cool' when she told me about her day. She deserved more than that. This might also attributed to her feeling alone all the time. If I couldn't give her the attention she deserved.

 

The third flaw was that I put way to much emphasis on our physical relationship. We'd see each other for like a week or so every three or four months, and it seemed like whenever we were alone I would try and engage our physical relationship. I never lent us to just sit and relax, lay next to each other, or watch a movie. Not seeing her all the time, and just talking on the phone, I kept building up sexual urges to have her, so when I finally saw her, I couldn't control it. She never once said no, and I know she enjoyed it, but she had mentioned before that she wanted to do more than just that. After that moment, I tried controlling myself more, and it worked when we saw each other. It made the times we did do stuff seem more special, and it gave us time to just be alone together and relax, but then my urges would explode when I was away from her, so I'd try and get her to talk dirty on the phone, or something. So at the end of the relationship, over half of our phone conversations were of me being horny, or of me not really giving her the attention she needed. It's no wonder she felt alone.

 

So here I am. I know the three things I need to improve on the most. I'm sure I have a few other flaws, we all do, but I got some to work on for now. She gets the space she needs while I fix myself as well. I also think this holiday season will work into us staying together as well. Every Christmas has involved me being there for about three weeks. Her parents always invited me down, and encourage me to stay as long as my job would allow me time off. I know I'll feel like crap not seeing her for the New Year this time, but I'm sure she'll miss me as well. I'm still debating on if I should send her a gift this year. I was thinking some flowers if I decided to go through with it. Nothing to big, just something to show she's in my thoughts, and that I miss her. I'll cross that bridge in a few weeks though. Right now is about me.

[starlight40]

Thanks for your support Quirky girl, i wish you luck with things. Okay im day 4, this is where i got to last time and broke, feeling not too bad, just doing y best to get through. NC is a total mental endurance test!

[montgomery]

REALLY bad day today. I was doing OK until this morning.

 

I miss EVERYTHING about her. I should try to remember how she messed me around, how we were ill-suited, but all I can think about is the electricity, the fire when we were together, and wonder if it was just me that felt it.

 

She's not in the office today. If I was in the emotional place where I need to be, this wouldn't matter - would even be good - but knowing that I won't see her, knowing that she won't make contact, makes me feel like crying. I'm frantic to know when she'll be back in, whether she's gone on holiday, anything about her.

 

I don't think I'm doing NC right. I'm certainly making very little internal progress. I'm trying to be unconcerned and nonchalant, but I'm sure she can tell that I'm anything but. It feels like I'm 8 years old, blanking someone in the playground. The urge to reach out to her, tell her how I feel, is all but irresistible. The thing is, she knows. I've told her before.

 

I'm so sorry for all you guys, knowing that you feel like I do. It's torture.

[crab62]

I'm with ljp on day whatever... I'm not counting anymore. It doesn't matter how many days, it just matters that I continue to move on and continue to say goodbye to him.

 

however, today is one week from my relapse.... uggh. I was scared to wake up this morning hoping I wouldn't feel like I did last week, ugggh... I do not, thank goodness.

 

what gets me some days is the audacity of it all... how he walked in here without warning and ended it and said goodbye.... like he was the only one in this relationship. and with his email, to "respect his feelings by letting him heal and not to call".... fvcccccccccccccccccccccck you. i hope one day he calls and says "i feel better"... and i will say "yeah me too" and hang up on him, haha.... j/k

 

it's just the crudeness, the rudeness, the insensitivity, the audacity of it that gets me. there i was in this relationship with him for 1yr.... if i had to break up with him, i would never be so cowardly and do it the way he did... i guess that says alot about him in the end.

 

so onward i go... another day. i'm sure i will think about him and i'm sure i will get sad... i'm trying to accept that... that these feelings will come and go... it's normal... but then i get out my grateful list and start thinking of other things i am grateful for... and i force myself to think about something else. i allow myself to cry and feel the pain and email someone if i need to... but i also put a time limit on it. he does not deserve to consume my night and day with thoughts... i have more positive things to think about...

 

so onward i go... into another day...

[jennamajig]

Day not counting.

 

I had a bad day yesterday. While I am trying my best to stay positive and look ahead, I have a moment or two where I just freeze. It sucks and I can't believe another person could still make me hurt. I had a mean streak where I typed out an awful letter to the ex yesterday. I didn't save it. It didn't make me feel better.

 

I'll never see him again; I don't want to. He's not worth it and I deserve so much better. I have a lot going for me, yet I still find a moment or two where the depression can cloud every thought. Today is a new day and I look forward to it.

[Robert013]

Day 22

 

It always goes easier when she doesn't try to contact me. I am sure Monday was her last time for a while possibly forever. Yea right..lol.. I know the girl loves my son and I she just couldn't stand to be with me anymore and I with her we were destroying eachother. Arguing over the smallest of things. It was all due to a lack of comunication and solving the real problems. For those people who think that the only reason people break up because they are not in love anymore, or they are not sexually atracted to eachother anymore well they are wrong. The sex was still great.. She loved me and I loved her we just were not getting to the issue. Comunication is a large part of a relationship and if you cannot do it properly then it will end your relationship. This is what I have learned from being in NC.

 

I also understand why she jumped into a relationship so quickly. She can not be alone. She is not emotionally strong enouph to get through a heartbreak. We broke up once before for a few weeks about two years before the final breakup. She later told me she wanted to hurt herself and possibly kill herself during those two weeks. We tried to work out our differences and it worked for about 1.5 years then the same patterns started and ultimately ended the relationship. So 2 weeks apart was not long enouph.

 

It is okay that she went into another relationship if it means she is not going to hurt herself or worse. It still killed me but I am dealing with it because I am strong. I am not supporting it and think rebounding after a week is a cowardly action so I plan on staying NC.

 

She will keep trying to make contact. She doesn't want me to find someone new she told me it would hurt her to much. She thinks I will forget about her if I do. She wants to stay friends..Blah..blah.. She is having doubts about what she wants and her new boytoy. She wants to grow up and do all the things she didn't get to do when we were together. This one I love because all she did was get into a new relationship with a guy who just sits around his apartment with his roommate.

 

These are all of the things she told me when we were in LC for 3 weeks after the breakup. Then I realized what was going on and went NC.

 

The funny thing is she has not done any of the things yet she said she wanted to do..

 

I have taken 2 trips since the breakup. I have gone to 3 concerts. I have made a number of new friends. I have started reading again. I have lost 25 pounds and look better than ever because I hit the gym. I have spent more time with my son. I live on my own in my own apartment with my son.

 

It looks like I am the one who did the growing up.

 

She took a step backwards and now stays with her new boyfriend and his roomate. At least when we were together we had our own place and did not need a roomate to feel whole.

 

The grass is not always greener. I am happy to move on. I will find someone new. I will find someone that I do not have to bend over backwards to please. I will find someone who I deserve and deserves me. This is her loss not mine.

[jennamajig]

 

The grass is not always greener. I am happy to move on. I will find someone new. I will find someone that I do not have to bend over backwards to please. I will find someone who I deserve and deserves me. This is her loss not mine.

 

That is an awesome mantra.

 

Part of my letting go of my past relationship is realizing I will never get any closure from him. I still don't and will probably never know why exactly he wanted to break up. That is sometimes what makes moving on 100% very hard. Our communication did suck and I realized that in time. Don't know if he will. And frankly, I know I can't be bothered to even care if he does because he didn't want to talk. Ironic, huh?

 

Rejection is hardest thing to deal with in life, I think. I've gone through it quite a few times in social situations, but never in love. I take a chance, open my heart, and it gets broken. I want to take a chance again someday and hopefully the right person will show me that it is once again well worth the risk.

 

Wow, I'm philosophical today.

[Robert013]

Yes rejection stinks. Yea there is no nead to rush anything. We all seem to think that we need to find someone as soon as we are healed. Well this could just lead to accepting less than we deserve. Dating and finding someone we truly cherish is not easy and should never be ruched as you said someday.

 

We here are all stuck on what was what has been what will be. We ask will I ever find someone better? Will I ever love that deeply again? Will our exes see the light and come running back?

 

Here is our answer. Possibly, but we have to cause it to happen and not force it.

 

I have realized pining over what is lost and daydreaming on what might be does no good. You will not get anywhere. When we are in this state we are unatractive and undatable.

 

Lets start living for the day and see what happens.

[jennamajig]

 

I have realized pining over what is lost and daydreaming on what might be does no good. You will not get anywhere. When we are in this state we are unatractive and undatable.

 

Lets start living for the day and see what happens.

 

Very true. Our brains know this. I think sometimes it takes the heart a little time to catch up

 

I just wrote this to someone, but I suppose it could apply to people in this thread:

 

I am reading the book I bought called "Dewey - The Small town Library Cat Who Touched the World." I bought it because I am a cat lover and owner. I didn't expect to stumble upon a chapter that touched upon my life.

 

The librarian who wrote it found herself early in life in a marriage with an alcoholic. She and he had a child before she suffered medical issues that caused her to never have any more children. He liked drinking far too much and she was too sick for years to do much about it.

 

She had a friend tell that people don't change until they hit 10 on the pain scale. Even when they are at 9, it isn't enough to do anything. She remembered another friend who had an abusive husband. Said friend was finally convinced by others to leave her husband. It lasted two weeks before she went back to him. She was only at a 9. A year later she hit 10 and she left for good.

 

The librarian hit 10 when her husband had gotten them so much in debt that she and her daughter ate nothing but oatmeal for a week. When he came home after a week long bender, she looked at him and said goodbye.

 

I often wonder if during the healing process of a break-up, you also need to hit 10. Or if the dumper hit 10 to end it. But either way, you need to say, I have to move on to a better life. A different life. NC is the right step towards that. But only when we reach 10 does NC really serve its true purpose: moving on until what for some can be a slightly scary new journey. But a journey needed and better for each of us.

[Robert013]

I really don't think the dumpers hit 10 in the pain scale but maybe 10 in some other scale that causes the breakup.

[jennamajig]

I really don't think the dumpers hit 10 in the pain scale but maybe 10 in some other scale that causes the breakup.

 

Probably true. Just an interesting chapter to look at. The book itself is a good read for any cat or animal fan.

[samantha20]

I just want to say thankyou so much. You were right all along, I couldn't see it at the time because I felt so 'addicted' to my ex, but NC WAS the answer. I didn't believe it, but it turned out to be true. If you're trying to get over someone and don't know if NC is the way to go then PLEASE LISTEN TO ME. It doesn't feel like it at the time, but it DOES WORK. You won't feel better after a few days or even weeks, but after at least a couple of months of NC you WILL slowly start to feel better and stronger. You will think about your ex less and less as long as you stick to it. Please believe me, I promise it's true.

[starlight40]

Day 5, feeling okay todayand wont break, worried i may bump into him when i go out saturday night with the girls though, not sure how to play that if he tries to speak to me......guess il try my best to keep out of his way......

[dqueen]

I'm here! And I can proudly say that I have not broken NC. I think this is the longest I've stayed in NC since this summer so I am quite proud of myself. I think I'm on Day 6 now. Still thinking of him lots and wondering what he's doing/how his day is going. Oh...he contacted me on Tuesday like I knew he would. It was a late night email from him telling me what he's doing in bed...if you know what I mean. Yeah, very classy. I'm continuing NC. But I can just tell that's he's going to contact me again...given the fact that it's the weekend and he'll have nothing to do but drink and send me stupid texts.

 

I should also mention that my laptop died the day I started NC. How's that for a head start? I can say it's made NC easier for me in that I'm not checking my emails and IMs very often. I am, obviously, typing this entry on my desktop computer from the 14th century just to update you all.

 

No its not easy at all! lol

However if you are truly wanting to get over your ex then NC, IS the best way to do it. Almost everyone agrees on it.

 

What was your break up like dqueen? 15months seems a long time.

 

Kurt, you can read about my breakup story here if you have the time:

 

 

 

15 months IS a long time but my ex is adamant that he truly is the man for me and I am making the biggest mistake of my life by leaving him. The saddest part is that I still love him despite everything he's done when I shouldn't. Why is it so hard to hate him?!

[babes23]

Hiya everyone, i'm doing okay. Glad everyone else is well. Thanks for that too Samantha x

[Jester1586]

Today was a good day. I remained busy almost all day, and I worked, which generally keeps my attention. Some days we're slow and my mind wanders, but today I didn't get the chance.

 

I honestly don't think I thought about her more than twice today, and each time the thoughts didn't depress me. They were more of a "I hope she's doing alright" type thoughts. I really just hope she's happy, as that's the most important thing. She was depressed, which was the main reason for the break-up, and I want her to get over it, so she can be happy. I'd like it to lead to us getting back together, but if we don't, at least she'll be happier.

 

Now I'm sad... I just really miss her.

[jennamajig]

Day whatever.

 

I'm kicking myself a little today. I had a dream about the ex. This hasn't happened in ages! This one was so vivid and my brain woke myself out of it I think. He found me walking to work, grabbed my hand and told me he missed me. And talked to me like we used to. I said I was hurt and he said he knew that, but continued talking, telling me about Thanksgiving with his brother.

 

Last night was good, too. I went to bed early, sleep decently until waking up from this dream 15 minutes before my alarm went off.

 

I just need to push this aside and not think of him today. This just makes it a little harder. I'm frustrated at my subconscious this morning,

[montgomery]

Spoke to her again very briefly last night. I can't very easily avoid that, every now and then. I was polite and friendly, but didn't stick around.

 

BUT I then had a conversation with a friend about her. She reckons she's just scared and confused, needs a lot of reassurance, and thinks I shouldn't keep my distance. What she said made a lot of sense. I'm very tempted just to drop her a very quick line, say hi. I don't want her to think I'm pissed off with her - even though I am, sort of.

 

I'm honestly pretty sure she DOES want to make a go of it, but sees too many difficulties.

 

I really don't have a clue what to do here. Boo.

[crab62]

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh peace... I feel peace, I'm beginning to feel peace in my stomach... losing that gut wrenching pain like someone punched you in the gut... it's starting to go away, it feels good.

 

day whatever on NC... not counting, don't care... won't call him... i just have to keep moving forward. he is gone, he wanted to be gone, he spelled it out in his email "please stop calling!!!!!!!" so i won't ever call. i said goodbye to him last saturday after that email, and i have to keep saying goodbye to him. the pain is getting less. it's 4 weeks today since he walked out.

 

i was thinking yesterday that it would be impossible for him to call at this point... after all he's done... thrown me under the bus... leaving my heart and soul to shatter all over the city streets as i walk to work in gut wrenching tears. while i attend work with a horrible ache in my stomach.... waiting patiently for 5:00pm to come so i can let go of the pain and cry the whole way to the train... only to come home to bed every night not knowing what the heck happened in our relationship...and crying myself to sleep. crying to my friends on the phone almost hourly the first week of our break-up. i mean if he called, what would he say?... would he say "hi, how are you?"... that's laughable. he can't call... that's all...and i can't call... so yes it's over, totally over... and i'm fine with that.

 

... and i'm a peace today... it feels good. i miss him at times but "i was" emotionally kept at bay with him, and now i realize that more than ever. .. and i realize he kept me at bay with his home in a way too. when he did outside chores, the lawn and things, he kept me away from that... he only wanted me in part of his life, not all of his life. he thought i was pretty, he said that a 1,000x... i think i was just a catch for him... infactuation i believe.. but once he got me and he realized there was a relationship that needed to be held in order to keep me... he started to get frustrated... and pushed me away emotionally. he was kind, i'll give him that... and he tried to stay in it with his kindness.. but i need emotions and i need to feel heard and i need to feel emotionally connected.... he gave me kindness and we had good sex... but i was never heard and that's what hurts.

 

so he's gone, and i'm okay with that... 4 weeks today... and i feel the best i have in weeks maybe month's... at least i can have my emotions now... what a great feeling that is... i don't have to arrest my emotions the minute i feel them... i am free.

[crab62]

I have not seen tyler82 around... I know his exgf was coming over this week for the dog... I'm worried about him. I'm going to PM him.

 

tyler if you are there... come talk to us... where are you and how are you doing?