THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[pewpew]

Read over this post before making my post this morning

 

I've thought about it and started NC no more than 5 minute ago

 

so .. would that make this day 1?

[theredrocket]

day 2; 74 days to go

 

Last night went ok. I really started missing her late last night and was still checking my cell phone and email in hopes that she would call and change her mind.

 

I completed my goals last night. worked out, read the book "how to meet and connet with women", got some dvd's from blockbuster and listened to hypnosis CD on building social confidence while going to sleep.

 

I am starting to have doubts about waiting an entire 75 days. she is leaving for CA at the end for spring term for a summer internship and will be gone the entire summer. I am starting to think that if I am feeling up to it, contacting her a few days before she leaves to eat lunch or something would be best.

 

thoughts?

 

today the goals are, follow up on some calls about buying a car, excel at work, study the highlighted portions of the book. work out, and listen to the cd again. Also Id like to get over to the local sports bar to the watch the laker game if I have time after work.

[brian123]

What is the right number of days to feel down? Its been about 50 days since BU for me, and I am def getting better each day (3 steps forward 2 steps back) but it has still zapped a hunk of my energy. Is this all pretty normal?

[Mustang]

Oh don't get me wrong. I am not making out that I was the perfect boyfriend and it was all her fault at all. I've spent many many months beating myself up over how I could've done things differently. I do understand what I did wrong. But I do believe that those things could've easily been resolved had we communicated better. I know I was insecure and paranoid. Which I have since discovered was not always down to her. I made her feel pressured and I guess she was a distraction from being unhappy in general. I am doing my best to work on myself.

 

That said, this girl was saying to me a week before she moved to London that she was so excited at getting to be in the same city as me. She was excited about all the fun times we'd have. And yes, she was telling me she loved me.

 

I do have the right to be upset and hurt about the way she handled things because pretty much as soon as she got to London she became a totally different person. I had no idea why. This made me insecure. I was less fun to be around. I'm guilty of that yes. She was having fun with her new friends and I guess that became more appealing to her. But for her to put pictures up on Facebook of her and some guy holding hands and then use my reaction to that as excuse to break up with me only to end up with him.... makes me feel like I was just dumped when a better offer came along. Again, maybe if I was more confident in myself I wouldn't care so much, but I do feel that anybody else would act the same if their girlfriend of nearly two years just stopped and decided that the new person they've just met is worth throwing you away for. She never communicated with me about how she was feeling. She just ran away and ignored me. Which is pretty horrible right? Then she blamed me. Again, I didn't handle the break up well because it came out of the blue. One minute she's saying she loves me and the next she's getting with someone else? Then she's ignoring me like I don't exist? I'm pretty sure that everyone would react in the same way that I did.

 

I loved this girl more than anything. Maybe too much. I have learnt that I was making her too high a priority. I can understand her reasoning, don't get me wrong, but I do think it's pretty unfair for me to sit back and accept everything when she essentially dumped me for someone else and didn't have the decency to break up with me and be honest. OK, she was perhaps trying not to hurt me any further but had I known exactly where I stood in November, I would've maybe hurt more initially but by now I would've been much better. I've had so many lingering questions going on in my head for so long. Whenever I tried to speak to my ex about things she was cold. Like she didn't want to be reminded of ever being with me. Maybe that's not how it is, but her email comes accross that way.

 

I think it's a combination of my lack of self confidence and her lack of communication that ruined us. But when somebody essentially dumps you for someone else, it is hard to understand it from there side without feeling hurt. As I've mentioned here, I know I didn't make it easy for her but I just thought that if she loved me as much as she said she did, she would've at least tried to make things work instead of bolting. It just feels so much worse knowing that she wanted rid of me but didn't say anything until she knew she had another option. It makes me feel worthless and that all the things she ever said to me were a lie. Maybe an exageration on my part, but it does feel that way.

 

You can see that I've thought long and hard. You know I've been on here for months venting left, right and centre trying to resolve everything. Maybe I shouldn't try and resolve things but it really is hard. I am getting on with life now, I am doing the best I can and I accept that even if she came back now the old issues would still be there. But I honestly believe that things COULD be different. I suppose I am just frustrated that I am not recovered yet and she seems to be doing just fine ever since we split.

[Hope_Springs_Eternal]

What is the right number of days to feel down? Its been about 50 days since BU for me, and I am def getting better each day (3 steps forward 2 steps back) but it has still zapped a hunk of my energy. Is this all pretty normal?

 

I think it must be yes, because a couple of days ago I was saying that instead of thinking about my ex less, I was thinking about him MORE, and other people said they were too.

 

The main problem was that the memories were good ones, so I had to fix this by keeping my 'bad list' by me to remind me of the things he had done that make me feel unloved, unwanted and worthless. It works, but only if you keep it handy. If you put it in a drawer you start to think loving thoughts again, why, I havent a clue?

 

Like everyone here, its those loving thoughts that drag you down because your back to square one again when you realise you cant have or be with the person you love most in the world

[theredrocket]

day 2; 74 days to go

 

If I go until the end of term before she leaves for the summer then it would be 43 days more

[bronte]

Day #1 again...Of course, since I was feeling great and strong yesterday, today is a bad day. I keep second-guessing myself, is it rude to not respond at all to him telling me he's super stressed by school? Should I respond to his message and tell him I hope everything works out okay?

 

Of course the answer is NO, I should not. I already said I hoped school was going well, I don't need to say so again even if he has given me more details. I would only be messaging him again in the hopes that he would reply, and would risk feeling rejected again when inevitably I eventually sent a message he didn't respond to. This way I have the power--I was kind enough to respond to his initial message but didn't keep the conversation going. I am aloof, I am creating the impression of having moved on, and more importantly, I'm getting the space I need to actually heal.

 

Argh. Why is it that NC is so hard to maintain even when it's obviously the best thing to do???

[HoTung]

If ur ex contacts you and u don't respond does that count as No Contact? Or does no contact apply when no contact from either party.

 

Last time he contacted me was the 10th april - last time i actually spoke to him was 1 april.

 

I am finding it really hard - is NC really the best thing?

 

It really hurst today

[bronte]

If ur ex contacts you and u don't respond does that count as No Contact? Or does no contact apply when no contact from either party.

 

Last time he contacted me was the 10th april - last time i actually spoke to him was 1 april.

 

I am finding it really hard - is NC really the best thing?

 

It really hurst today

 

As long as you didn't respond, it definitely counts as NC! You can't control what they do, only what you do. And congratulations on being strong enough to resist responding!

 

I think NC is usually the best thing--it allows your ex to miss you and gives you space so that, no matter what happens, you'll be on your way to healing.

[pumpkinmoon]

I have a feeling I'll be going NC again IF and WHEN my things are returned!!!!!!!!!!

[littlej]

Day whatever, and I feel great. I have sort of an I don't care attitude. I hope it stays!!

[HoTung]

We had 3 weeks of no contact before when he went to the stated for holiday and work. he came back to tell me he missed me but not enough to have a lasting relationship with me. That was the day before we last spoke.

 

Do you think he will change his mind and miss me? I was the one who said i couldn;t handle the friendship anymore - esp as each time we've seen each we can;t resist temptation.

 

We broke up in Jan but never really started NC until he went to the stated on the 10th March and No contact from the 1st April.

 

But everytime we have contact and something happens - I feel like i am back to square 1. 10 steps forward 9 steps back. And its like we are breaking up over and over again.

 

In the last email he sent me he said he was going to post me a CD with our photos which i requested a long time ago but I have still not received it and its been two weeks already.

 

I really miss him

[mankow]

Day #12

I had this ups and downs in my mind from idea completely avoiding her (a little silly because we work few doors (7 exactly) away), to sending message or even call her...(this time thinking of contact was in the "how are you doing" mode not "please come back I need you" and like that). It looks like this thing works!!

Since I did not have normal communication with her 6 weeks, I am still not ready even for that kind of call. But maybe it would be better than waiting for urge to accumulate and do again extreme messaging which will make her think of me as a nut case.

[hfc65]

well its day 30!!!! I did have contact yesterday though so can I have a little bit of congratunlations as i was only 1 day out? lol

 

Congrats to you!!!

 

Day 34 for me feeling good

 

Going to break NC tomorrow,send her a text and email,wish me luck.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Day 15 - Halfway home, although I really have no idea when I'll break NC at this point. Right now, as much as I miss her, I'm in no rush. Its been peaceful. As recounted elsewhere, I called relatives of hers to get in touch with her brother or sister. They were supposed to call me back with a phone number, and haven't. Perhaps they just passed my number along to her brother. He may have then called my ex to talk to her. I don't know, since I haven't heard from him. Either they will get back to me or they won't. I'm not going to pursue this vigorously.

 

I'm finding out that I have a lot more friends out in the world than I had believed. Apparently I touched the lives of a lot more people than I had realized. Its rather comforting, as I'm an isolator a lot of times. I still deal with my trust issues, so its sometimes hard for me to let people in (of course, when I do, I go into clinger mode).

 

I got a haircut today, I think it looks good, and maybe I'll take a self-portrait for my avatar. I'm not sure I can deal with all the swooning women though. Tonight I'm watching the Dodger's game. I'm going to finish up some laundry, watch American Idol, watch South Park, do some reading, and then hit the sack after having my talk with my ex. I have a phone consult with Al Turtle tomorrow. I'm excited about it, although I have no idea what to discuss. I better get myself clear on that tonight!

[pewpew]

Day 1 - 4/23/08

8:08 AM - 8:20 AM

I just told her that I was going to start going into 'No Contact' with her for about 30 days. I let her know how I feel about her and then told her about NC. She is honeslty so heartless sometimes... She said that she is annoyed with me saying "I love you" to her, so I asked "would you rather have me say 'I hate you'?". She said yes, so I told her that I "hate the way she is and the way she acts sometimes is revolting and disgusts me" (which is true).

I know why I am doing this. I am doing this because I believe that if we give each other space that when I come back things could be better. I know that I'm so full of * * * * . How could things be better at that point? We will have both forgotten about each other after the 30 days is up. Maybe it will be better that way.

Right now I'm just sitting here thinking about her, thinking about how badly I want to be with her. I know that it won't happen unless she wants it to happen. It just hurts knowing that she doesn't want it to happen. Thinking about her right now, have this feeling in my chest that reminds me of her and how much I love her. Sometimes I wish it would just go away so I could move on.

Going to bed seeing as how I stayed up all night.

 

9:35 AM

For some reason I'm not exactly able to sleep. I keep thinking about her. I keep thinking that after these 30 days are over she will find someone else. She won't remember me at all anymore. Maybe after these 30 days are over I will realize something about her that I hadn't before? Heh. Who knows.

I keep going back and looking at this website where we first met. Reading over things etc. and so on. I should really just stop going there during this time. I feel odd in a way being there though. I feel as if I want to be with her very badly, but then I remember she doesn't want to be with me and I start to feel terrible.

 

10:00 AM - 10:55 AM

I've spent a lot of time talking with friends about her. Seeing what they thought about the whole no contact thing. No one really seems to comment. They all just say that I'm better off without her and its just better if I move on. Its better if I find someone that shows me the same love that I show them in return. The way she is acting towards me is cold and heartless. The girl that I knew before, the one that wamred my heart is the one that I want to remember. Its the reason why I still think positively about her.

I realized to myself the only reason that I keep trying with her is that I believe she is saying things negatively to me just to help herself get over me and to help me get over her. I tell mysel that she still loves me, but says those things to help her move on because she knows that the distance between us means we wouldn't be able to be together.

 

11:00 AM - 12:00 PM

I've been playing video games for awhile and talking to people on msn. I keep thinking about her and I keep coming back to this place where we met. I feel like I shouldn't be on that website because I'm trying to the NC thing. I'm technically not contacting her, but going back to that website just reminds me of her even more. I'm going to bed.

[MeSilly]

day 2; 74 days to go

 

I am starting to have doubts about waiting an entire 75 days. she is leaving for CA at the end for spring term for a summer internship and will be gone the entire summer. I am starting to think that if I am feeling up to it, contacting her a few days before she leaves to eat lunch or something would be best.

 

thoughts?

 

if you're feeling up for it by that time, then give it a go. be prepared for the worst, though. i myself am moving in about a month and a half, my ex knows it, told me "don't expect me to keep the date in mind". she won't call. frankly, i'm debating whether at that point i'll risk it and call her myself. we were friends for years before our relationship, so i always hoped that could be saved. i probably WILL NOT call her, though, as she would most likely reject me and then it's bad to square one, emotionally speaking.

 

think it carefully.

[MeSilly]

Plus I don't feel like NC is working. I miss her more and I also think that for as long as I go on not contacting her, she will believe that it is because I am still hurt and upset. OK, I am right now but let's say in a few months time I'm cool and happy. She won't wonder about me, she will just think "Oh he's still not over it... because he's not talking to me".

 

Hey, after a few weeks or months have passed by, and you decide to say a casual "hello", it's quite possible she will see it simply as a friendly approach and nothing more. You've basically told her you need the space to get over everything. By making contact again, you'd be telling her you had your space and think the friendship that hurt so much before is possible. Just makes true this implied message is actually your truth.

 

There is nothing worse than if you keep trying now that you are angry and hurt. TRUST ME. I learned this the hard way, and have now alienated my ex more than ever. Now I'll withstand the pain of missing her, knowing that I will work on myself, because of myself, and when that's done, maybe she and I have a chance at restarting our friendship again.

[MeSilly]

day 9... long day. generally in a good mood. have thought about her somewhat, but honestly have felt no urge to talk to her, which i sometimes do. good day.

[Brokenhearted87]

Today is day 3. I never make it past day three, which is very aggravating!!! It's weird, I can make it day 1,day 2, quite easily, then BAM day 3 I am aching to contact him. However I have decided,no, after all he said and all these promises of close friendship with me blah blah blah, he can bloody well initiate it. I will maybe make a post later about why I am annoyed with him over something quite significant, however, he has hurt me so much and treated me so coldly that I'm pissed at doing things on his terms, so he can believe me or not, I'm not being humiliated any further.

 

I love him and miss him so much.

[brian123]

How long should I keep up NC for? It has been 24 days of NC for me. (She initiated the breakup) My birthday is coming up in 3 weeks. Should I wait until after my bday to see if she initiates contact at all?

[Mustang]

Hey, after a few weeks or months have passed by, and you decide to say a casual "hello", it's quite possible she will see it simply as a friendly approach and nothing more. You've basically told her you need the space to get over everything. By making contact again, you'd be telling her you had your space and think the friendship that hurt so much before is possible. Just makes true this implied message is actually your truth.

 

There is nothing worse than if you keep trying now that you are angry and hurt. TRUST ME. I learned this the hard way, and have now alienated my ex more than ever. Now I'll withstand the pain of missing her, knowing that I will work on myself, because of myself, and when that's done, maybe she and I have a chance at restarting our friendship again.

 

I suppose I am scared to ever contact her again in case she just speaks to me like she did before. I mean, she may not miss me at all and then if I pop back into her life again... I'll be a burden that she thought she was rid of. With that in mind, I have decided to wait for her to contact me. Even though she agreed to give me space and time. I just think that any form of contact from me will make me look weak. And as I have said, I can't see why she would ever feel so strongly to break NC when I told her how I felt.

 

I am trying to work on myself and get back to the person I know that I need to be either for her or for the next girl I am with. I am so frustrated that I am still not feeling 100% because I really want to be my funny and confident self again.

[pumpkinmoon]

How long should I keep up NC for? It has been 24 days of NC for me. (She initiated the breakup) My birthday is coming up in 3 weeks. Should I wait until after my bday to see if she initiates contact at all?

 

 

I dont think you can or should put a time limit on it. If and when you decide to contact her then you will feel ok about it and know when you are ready. A month really isn't very long. You could wait to see if she contacts you on your birthday, maybe you will feel ready, and you will already have contacted her by then and maybe you wont. Just give it time. I know it's hard but time really does help.

[Mustang]

Day 22

 

I had visions of my ex having sex again with her new guy last night. I had trouble sleeping because of it. Every time I closed my eyes I could imagine everything. It was so horrible. The more I tried to ignore it the worse it got. Argh.

 

I'm almost at the month stage which is pretty good. The longest I've managed previous to this was 12-13 days. I do have moments where I can't do anything but think of my ex but I am trying to get on with things as best as I can.

 

I have decided to do some hypnotherapy for my self confidence to see if that improves things.

 

I still miss my ex. I sometimes feel like I am going backwards and NC is making me feel worse but I know that it's my only option right now. And of course, I am wondering if my ex is thinking about or missing me in anyway.

[pumpkinmoon]

I suppose I am scared to ever contact her again in case she just speaks to me like she did before. I mean, she may not miss me at all and then if I pop back into her life again... I'll be a burden that she thought she was rid of. With that in mind, I have decided to wait for her to contact me. Even though she agreed to give me space and time. I just think that any form of contact from me will make me look weak. And as I have said, I can't see why she would ever feel so strongly to break NC when I told her how I felt.

 

 

You need to wait until having contact with her no longer bothers you. Then you can contact her to see how things are. But until then don't bother. I know how hurt you have been and you can do without it.

 

I on the other hand didn't wait. But to tell you the truth, I think having contact helped me. I still care obviously just not as much. I think in some way it cleared a lot of my feelings up, not sure which ones or how though lol