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mankow

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Everything posted by mankow

  1. mankow
    Hmmm I think I broke NC again OK? for the 6th time This time I was very much better I managed to do it 26 days and that was really tough And I really snapped in the most worst way, I broke many glass objects this morning did not go to work and spent day with my friends on bbq. and I sent 4 or 5 messages to my ex and she answered me we have nothing to talk and I sent one more msg telling her whatever and she sent me 2 more messages to call her and I did that from my cell phone as I broke my phone this morning in the manic rampage breaking mirrors ashtrays and all kind of things and I think I really scared some demons and made them suffer and go away So we talked over the phone for the first time after all those don't call me things. I don't want to rush things, but she even told me yes really told me she is open for going out with me for a cup of coffee later this month or whenever, and she really said it I am awake and somewhat sober, she said those words that she is planning me for coffee (woopsy) Now what I think I am in NC to LC again because it is now on her to decide. One more thing we will definitely talk more often now as we mentioned that in recent convo!!!!!!
  2. mankow
    Day #13 Now she is definitely openly avoiding me at work, when enter the same room (where we get coffee) she says something like she will be back later, put an order and go. Woman working there asked me if two of us are not talking to each other and I told few words about the situation, first time talking after break up with common friend. Somehow it felt good, because holding all of it inside me or with my friends who didn't know my ex is not working for me. Weird because yesterday I had an idea to talk to this common friend, not in the way of starting negotiation but only to ease myself. I think she can understand me on this because she(we-I don't know why I typed that in first time) knows both of us in a way. Today she started first time on this topic because it was so obvious my ex is avoiding me since last time breaking NC which was 13 days ago. Last week I was sick, but to be honest I just could not go to work in that low energy level looking like wreck (was really feeling bad and looked that way too). Maybe I was capable to do my work, but did not want people to see me such a mess!!! Blah blah blah, talkative I am. OK: to add this. two weeks ago I have seen my ex 4 times during working hours and it was too much for me so I sent one long message to her. I tried too shut down my phone but message went through very fast (usually it takes longer), so I was really trying to avid bumping into her last week, with this being sick was perfect. I was just fed up with seeing her, which is a must do if I want to get my morning coffee and I don't want to look like I am openly avoiding meeting her. Now she is all into that. It is just strange how we both function like mirror image of each other, same ideas in same moment. Even not being together there seems to be some supernatural connection. Like today being in the same time there, just we attract each other subconsciously even if we both try to skip that. It is confusing me! I like to see her, but it really is hurting me after during the day.
  3. mankow
    Day #12 I had this ups and downs in my mind from idea completely avoiding her (a little silly because we work few doors (7 exactly) away), to sending message or even call her...(this time thinking of contact was in the "how are you doing" mode not "please come back I need you" and like that). It looks like this thing works!! Since I did not have normal communication with her 6 weeks, I am still not ready even for that kind of call. But maybe it would be better than waiting for urge to accumulate and do again extreme messaging which will make her think of me as a nut case.
  4. mankow
    Day 11th Not a single word, letter or sign with an ex. Yeah! First time really in the good mood when came from work. Even washed my dishes, lol!
  5. mankow
    Day 10th Third of the way two thirds to go (I am meaning it 30 days)
  6. mankow
    Day 9th Being very sure I can do it and want to do it completely (30 days now)
  7. mankow
    Day 8th 6weeks total since break up Dreaming her today morning. In that dream again same words, nothing different from last contact in real. She was packing her things in some bag and looked very tired. Like she is in some trouble.
  8. mankow
    7 days 5th try!!! ONE week and no contact on work too can't wait to break it again and make a fool of myself again it is stronger than me!!!!!!!!!
  9. mankow
    quitting smoking is the easiest thing to do, I did it hundred times. OK. day 6th, 5th try to make 30 days. I believe I can do it. Today I had a dream in which was complete dark and we were walking down this narrow path....
  10. mankow
    My fifth round of NC started Saturday. Well message sent before shutting down phone. Erasing number works if you don't know the number already too well. Day 5th Same ol' same ol'
  11. mankow
    I wrote huge message on my phonre Hope anything now can not go by and then turned it off When I wake up tomorrow I will call her definettely or n0othing I can't be in Nc becausae I will go nuts better to be cursed than crazy!!
  12. mankow
    Heaven help me I am not working tomorrow
  13. mankow
    21 day is pretty ok And I am planning to die beause I can not stand being near my exgf She is so selfish!!!! Hell seeing her at work I just want to die HaRDER THan before
  14. mankow
    Day 22 I can do it, not contacting. How I feel, I feel like on other planet! A little disconnected really. Everyday routine constantly reminds me of her!
  15. mankow
    Entering day 21 at 22h congratulations to myself how I disciplined myself not to call and send messages, I will not be so disciplined after 30 days, but it is obvious I tossed that option out of my head till now!!! Even when last time I went out and was drinking and missing her I did not contact her!!
  16. mankow
    Day 20 well last night was surprisingly good, but since morning very bad, crying again. It is exactly one month since break up..... it hurts, really bad! I don't know how much longer I will manage to pretend strong, while suffering this bad. I don't see anything ahead of me in the future to look for.
  17. mankow
    Day 20 Another day passed and I was in good company, joined one group (feel like part of something bigger than myself) and then went out and met one beautiful girl which is very pretty and even kissed with her (not real kiss but in the cheek) and I feel good. Ok I still love my ex maybe more then, ever but I find it peculiAR not being sad and all that!!!!
  18. mankow
    19th day afternoon reporting contact at work, short conversation. She initiated. Informal, like with any other I meet there. Keeping on NC. About dreaming, I dreamed of her three times last weekend in a row. ONce we were dancing and I hugged her tightly. It was such a good feeling.
  19. mankow
    Day 19th The only thing I learned so far is to stay NC more and more.... se ipsum vincere pulcherima res est!
  20. mankow
    day 18 afternoon when I come home from work and walk in empty rooms it hurts like hell. It is just not normal to so much miss her, but I am ruined. Almost one month since we are not together and now it is even worse then in the beginning, I want to call her to hear from her, but as she doesn't want me in her life I will try to keep it at least 30 days before making utter fool of myself and contact. so I guess that is 13 more days, not that bad. april 21 st is the day. I really would like to be with her, I just feel more and more as time passes there is a love inthere.
  21. mankow
    day 18 started well, no contact urges
  22. mankow
    Day 17 well on day 14 I typed txt message, send failed and i quickly erased the message, hope she didn't get it. It was basicaly good night message and nothing more I will count NC as nothing happened (if message did go it is very low lc anyway) Today was feeling very bad. Like I am going to die and my heart has been taken away from me. I have thoughts of calling her or sending message if she can only talk to me about anything, but didn't break NC. It was tough. Now I am not that bad, but being on business trip last week and at home with my family, now I am all alone in my apartment in the city where I live and work and it is very very bad, and all that pressure at work, I think I am going to explode or go into tears. I was crying today for almost an hour, which I avoided like ten days. It is so awful. It was the greatest relationship of my life so far and the worst break up so far. I am so confused!!!
  23. mankow
    Day #11 Started, so we'll see.
  24. mankow
    Day 10 Had very bad periods of missing her, but didn't contact. No point in doing anything because she already knows I want her back. So, I really have to give her gift of my abscence.
  25. mankow
    Going to day #8 after midnight but I have to post now. You say if you still don't contact but meet with an ex to post here! Well she send me message to exchange some property with mutual friend as middle (wo)man. But as we work in the same building somehow I ran into her when bringing that book. I didn't answer her message even if it seems not polite (from my perspective but as I had to explain to her where I was and that I coudn't do it that day I just didn't answer I am still NCing her you know). But was unable to do it yesterday since I was out of town on business trip. I decided to give the book back and also get some of my property, too. So I did it the first day possible i.e. today. Well she thanked me for bringing her book and I gave it directly, and she then started informal conversation, which was short as there were other people around. I mainly listened and answered direct question she asked me. Does it count as NC break? I wasn't trying to go back to my office when I saw her and act stupid, ridiculous. It was very short but it had some effect on me, now I am further into NC of course. I am sure that it is the best way to heal and eventualy can talk to her or reconciliate. She was very polite, which is very different from last breaking NC by me. During the day I had one period of thinking how life goes on and I can be without her in that part of my life ahead of me. I still had strong love feelings and few minutes ago almost gone into tears remembering her favourite singer, but I was strong enough not to let myself. Hope this is good sign. Thank god I got you people so my time goes faster in these moments
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