mankow

Hmmm I think I broke NC again OK? for the 6th time This time I was very much better I managed to do it 26 days and that was really tough And I really snapped in the most worst way, I broke many glass objects this morning did not go to work and spent day with my friends on bbq. and I sent 4 or 5 messages to my ex and she answered me we have nothing to talk and I sent one more msg telling her whatever and she sent me 2 more messages to call her and I did that from my cell phone as I broke my phone this morning in the manic rampage breaking mirrors ashtrays and all kind of things and I think I really scared some demons and made them suffer and go away So we talked over the phone for the first time after all those don't call me things. I don't want to rush things, but she even told me yes really told me she is open for going out with me for a cup of coffee later this month or whenever, and she really said it I am awake and somewhat sober, she said those words that she is planning me for coffee (woopsy) Now what I think I am in NC to LC again because it is now on her to decide. One more thing we will definitely talk more often now as we mentioned that in recent convo!!!!!!

Day #13 Now she is definitely openly avoiding me at work, when enter the same room (where we get coffee) she says something like she will be back later, put an order and go. Woman working there asked me if two of us are not talking to each other and I told few words about the situation, first time talking after break up with common friend. Somehow it felt good, because holding all of it inside me or with my friends who didn't know my ex is not working for me. Weird because yesterday I had an idea to talk to this common friend, not in the way of starting negotiation but only to ease myself. I think she can understand me on this because she(we-I don't know why I typed that in first time) knows both of us in a way. Today she started first time on this topic because it was so obvious my ex is avoiding me since last time breaking NC which was 13 days ago. Last week I was sick, but to be honest I just could not go to work in that low energy level looking like wreck (was really feeling bad and looked that way too). Maybe I was capable to do my work, but did not want people to see me such a mess!!! Blah blah blah, talkative I am. OK: to add this. two weeks ago I have seen my ex 4 times during working hours and it was too much for me so I sent one long message to her. I tried too shut down my phone but message went through very fast (usually it takes longer), so I was really trying to avid bumping into her last week, with this being sick was perfect. I was just fed up with seeing her, which is a must do if I want to get my morning coffee and I don't want to look like I am openly avoiding meeting her. Now she is all into that. It is just strange how we both function like mirror image of each other, same ideas in same moment. Even not being together there seems to be some supernatural connection. Like today being in the same time there, just we attract each other subconsciously even if we both try to skip that. It is confusing me! I like to see her, but it really is hurting me after during the day.

Day #12 I had this ups and downs in my mind from idea completely avoiding her (a little silly because we work few doors (7 exactly) away), to sending message or even call her...(this time thinking of contact was in the "how are you doing" mode not "please come back I need you" and like that). It looks like this thing works!! Since I did not have normal communication with her 6 weeks, I am still not ready even for that kind of call. But maybe it would be better than waiting for urge to accumulate and do again extreme messaging which will make her think of me as a nut case.

Day 11th Not a single word, letter or sign with an ex. Yeah! First time really in the good mood when came from work. Even washed my dishes, lol!

Day 10th Third of the way two thirds to go (I am meaning it 30 days)

Day 9th Being very sure I can do it and want to do it completely (30 days now)

Day 8th 6weeks total since break up Dreaming her today morning. In that dream again same words, nothing different from last contact in real. She was packing her things in some bag and looked very tired. Like she is in some trouble.

7 days 5th try!!! ONE week and no contact on work too can't wait to break it again and make a fool of myself again it is stronger than me!!!!!!!!!

quitting smoking is the easiest thing to do, I did it hundred times. OK. day 6th, 5th try to make 30 days. I believe I can do it. Today I had a dream in which was complete dark and we were walking down this narrow path....

My fifth round of NC started Saturday. Well message sent before shutting down phone. Erasing number works if you don't know the number already too well. Day 5th Same ol' same ol'

I wrote huge message on my phonre Hope anything now can not go by and then turned it off When I wake up tomorrow I will call her definettely or n0othing I can't be in Nc becausae I will go nuts better to be cursed than crazy!!

Heaven help me I am not working tomorrow

21 day is pretty ok And I am planning to die beause I can not stand being near my exgf She is so selfish!!!! Hell seeing her at work I just want to die HaRDER THan before

Day 22 I can do it, not contacting. How I feel, I feel like on other planet! A little disconnected really. Everyday routine constantly reminds me of her!

Entering day 21 at 22h congratulations to myself how I disciplined myself not to call and send messages, I will not be so disciplined after 30 days, but it is obvious I tossed that option out of my head till now!!! Even when last time I went out and was drinking and missing her I did not contact her!!