Mom having affair. Need advice before I lose it.

[jwzdc]

Alright, this has been eating at me 24/7. Im 16 years old, the oldest of three children (ones in 9th grade, the other in 6th, both girls.)

 

A few days ago i overheard a phone conversation. i was in the bathroom and my mom was in the room over. it was an argument with someone, so i kept brushing my teeth, but basically i heard her call this person by his name and i was really confused.

 

then i heard "something more than friends." well , whats that mean? now i felt like an for listening, but i was frozen there.

 

i listened. she was having an affair with someone. from the sound of it nothing serious, and she was mad at him for not returing emails and ignoring her and whatnot, so i think its basically over.

 

Its killing me, really. i had so much respect for my mom, and im close with her. never expected her to do something so stupid.

 

and i feel so hurt for my dad, theres no way i could tell him.

 

im supposed to be the strong one. theres no older sibling i can talk to, and my moms a goddamn teacher at my high school, so i cant tal kto any guidence counclers without telling a friend/colleuge of my moms.

 

i feel betrayed, confused, stressed out, and so sorry for my dad.

 

how do i handle this? what actions should i take? help.

[DN]

This is a difficult situation. I think you have only two choices. You either talk to your Mom about what you heard, as non-confrontationally as possible; or you ignore it and carry on as if you never heard the conversation.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I suggest you talk to your mother and tell her that you overheard her conversation while you were in the bathroom... give her a chance to comment on it, and express your feelings to her.

 

I would not go tell your Dad becuase that puts you in between your Mom and Dad, where is not where you need to be since you are their child. You also don't really know the circumstances, since you were overhearing half a conversation, and need to talk to your mother to see what she says.

[Honey Pumpkin]

What a nightmare - terrible situation to be in.

 

First of all, maybe talk it through with someone you absolutely trust or anonymously (Samaritans) if you just want to talk it out, because that's an enormous burden on you.

 

Secondly - sometimes you don't get the full picture from conversations; you don't know what's going on, it may be less than you thought (flirting, cyber affair etc). You could try telling your mum as calmly as possible what you overheard. Just be plain about it. Let her know the pain you're in right now, and maybe figure out the way forward together.

[southerngirl]

If anything talk to your mom about it, but do not go to your dad.

 

Also, you said you have lost respect for her, or that you have alot of respect for her. In anycase, this does not need to change. No matter what she does, or who she is with.... she loves you. Your dad loves you. It is not your fault, and even if she and him were to split up, it doesnt change the wonderful mother she is.

[Stari]

Would you want to know if your partner was cheating on you?

The answer will guide you whether you should tell your father.

 

I feel sympathy with your father. Not only does his partner cheat on him, but worse, he believes everything is fine.

[radioheader]

i think you should tell your mom and tell her you want to talk to a counselor of your own to sort thru your feelings (or clergy member,trusted community member.etc.)...you should not hold it in if it is eating away at you...we all need support in times of need. everything you are feeling is valid and expected...a good couselor can help you get thru this! good luck.

[jimthzz]

um, hello?

 

1. tell your mom you heard the conversation.

 

2. ask for an explanation.

 

3. Insist she air it to your dad. If she refuses or lies to you and doesn't air it to him, then tell him.

 

You don't owe her an obbligation to be now an ally inb her betrayal.

 

Like it or not, you are thrown into this between your parents. Pick the side who doesn't lie and cheat.

[jwzdc]

Thank you for all your advice. Its such a huge difference hearing/reading advice from other people, rather than going through something with just your own thoughts.

 

I still dont have the courage to confront my mom. I think im really afraid of making how i feel worse (making it definate that she is having an affair) rather than better. I realized I cant talk to my friends (two who experianced similar problems) because half of them are her students.

 

anything else would be a help. thanks again.

[blender]

I'm so sorry you overheard this, I'll never forget a friend of mine in highschool, we went to a 7/11 store late one night and we actually saw her dad in a car with another woman makinng out, it was a shock to say the least, and of course she never ever told her mother, but a few months later when she was alone with her father, she simply said, "I'm so disappointed about something and you can tell me if I'm wrong, but are you, or did you have an affair?".. he was so blindsided, he was mad at her in the first few moments, and told her, that she was wrong, and she said, "well I thought I saw you one night..etc".. and she said, "I'm not so much mad as I am so confused by what I saw, why would YOU make a choice to do this?" He started to sob, and she kindly asked him to do what was right not only for him, but for thier family and if he made a mistake and he's sorry, well then, it's not for HER to forgive him, it's up to him to forgive himself...

 

And well, they talked it out, and she eventually had to get therapy to work out all her feelings, and you might have to do the same, and yes, it would have to be "outside' the school district..

 

is there anyway you can talk to someone outside of school, a therapist somewhere.. if you're still to hesitant to discuss it with your mom, then just wait till you are ready, and don't feel badly about wanting her to explain, she is the one who made this "choice" for whatever reason, and maybe, just maybe you misundestood the call..

 

I don't know, i just really feel for you, just take time to absorb all this, and know that YOU are NOT to blame for any of this, and your mom is an adult who can handle you asking her at some point...

[jimthzz]

there is the very real possibility of your mom if she is cheating that she infects your father with an STD.

 

When the cheating all comes out, you will feel tremendous guilt unless your father gets to know what's what.

[mike_chppr]

I tend to agree with blender on this one. I know the turmoil you are in, just not as intense. When I was in high school my typing teachers husband was having an affair with my mom's best friend. I knew all about this while in her class and said noting. It was a small community town in TX, so once the cat was out of the bag, I got a B in her class. My HS record was forever tainted. I blame it on knowing about that relationship, but who knows maybe I deserved it.

 

I don't think it hurts to talk with your mom about it. I definitly don't think it is in your best interest to tie yourself into either telling your dad or forcing your mother to tell your dad.

 

You might have overheard the one side of a conversation. I've heard my wife talk with girlfriends on the phone and I'd swear it sounded intimately kinky from the other end. Check her cell phone and sure enough it was one of her girlfriends, I hit redial just to check. This was years ago not even dealing with my current situation.

 

Lets see ways of talking with your mother.

1) Indirect Method

"Mom, There is something really bothering me regarding you, and I feel that I cannot talk to a school counselor, is there any way we can arrange for me to see a counselor outside the school system? I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to confirm or deny my feelings I just need someone else as a sounding board right now."

 

2) Direct Method

"Mom, when you get a moment I'd like to go somewhere where just me and you can talk. Can we set up a time. I like to talk this evening", as there is a backstop. And the two of you cannot fume with one another for the whole day, but you get to sleep on the results.

 

3) Indirect/Direct Method

Write down what you feel and what you heard to make you feel that way. Word this so that you never appear "blaming" but this is a discussion about how you feel. Things like empathy for your dad hurt regarding the feelings of loss that your mother isn't living at the moral standard that she had raised the family to be. You feel frustrated that there is no one to talk to. Hand her the letter when you are off to school and tell here that this is important to you and you would like to discuss it privately later, So your mom can internalize how whatever is going on is impacting you.

 

The next thing is, you are the oldest, I am as well, many times it feels that you are the one in charge of everyone else. Especially your younger siblings. Look at all the possible outcomes of you bringing this out in the open. How might they be hurt, how might they blame you for ruining thier parents and their lives? These are the types of things to bounce off a counselor.

 

Family Secrets.

I have had to hold them in for a long time. My dad left my mom when we were young, no explanation, he just up and left. Well, come to find out he was having homosexual relationships outside of marriage and decided that he could not drag his family through this. After time, my mother found out and was disturbed that he didn't feel open enough to tell her. Well all is forgotten and we have a stepdad that is incredibly emotionally abusive. We moved 21 times by the time I was 18. for the better job, the better rental house the truck route, more than likely (his mistress was about ready to expose him so... poof we up and moved.) During this time, the state of TX arrested my real dad and threw him in jail for not paying child support. My mom had to file for welfare and this was part of the process. Well he was arrested at his business in OK and extradited to TX. In jail he was raped and left with the lovely gift of HIV. He died when I was 18. And this is when everything came out in the open. We were told that it was HIV and later on that he was gay and the reasons for it. (childhood molestations as an "initiation" from the older boys to the younger boys while on camping trips with the Boy Scouts.) He tried to live a normal life with the wife and kids, but that initial imprint was there already. He fought it as a part of who he was and finally gave into his impulses, to really live who he was inside. So I still haven't told my mom that she basically caused the death of my dad. I'm waiting for my grandmother to pass away before I tell my mom. I don't want her over there groveling for forgiveness in some super psychotic manner when my Grandmother doesn't want to bring up the hurts, memories and anger that she has towards my mom. So Yes I have to keep one of those huge secrets and I know what it is like. How have I dealt with it over the years.

 

Unadulterated furious anger towards my mother for the last 12 years. All I could see is she was the one who killed my dad. I put her into the evil mother bucket and left her there, whereas in childhood I put her into the perfect mother bucket and never rocked the boat in the family dynamic. But twelve years of anger has destroyed my life, my relationships with others and with myself.

 

How did I get over it, well I'm still not, but I'm viewing the bucket as the same one, the evil mother and the perfect mother are in the same bucket, it is just that over time you realize that people are human. She was scared, and boxed herself in to make the decisions that were best for her. My dad wasn't sending child support, because he didn't know the new address as we had moved so many times. But my mom was also a fantastic giver to the community, helping others with drug addictions and detox to counseling and alowing hurting people to spend the night on the couch when they had no where to go. So I have had to come to the conclusiong that the good and the bad are in the same bucket, a sort of yin and yang connectedness.

 

So I guess the important thing for you to think about is can you forgive. Can you forgive yourself for holding in the secret even for as long as you have. Can you forgive your mother for allegedly cheating (emotional, cyber, physical, or otherwise) with another human. Can you realize that she is still the same loving mother who has cared for the family home for all these years as well as shown each of you her immense love for you. Can you also realize that she is capable of hurting herself and everyone else, but despite that human flaw there is still a drape of love in the background.

 

Infidelity coming out into the open usually terminates a relationship. Sometimes adults know about it, (such as your father knowing about your mother) but they are staying together "for the kids." Your parents have problems just like everyone else. They have inate needs just like everyone else. Even though your mother is allegedly cheating, there are reasons for it that directly relate to hurts and miscommunications from your father. And if it is true your mother is having an affair, the things that your father does to your mother probably exacerbates this "need" in her. I think the best place for these things to come out is in Family Counseling. You can't force your mom to tell your dad and you may alieanate your family by bringing the whole thing up.

 

I also feel like your apprehensiveness to discuss these feelings with your mother has something to do with the interactions that the whole family has with her. Protect her feelings, don't rock the boat, all interactions have to be mutedly pleasant. This can be an enormous test of growth between you and her that will carry you through other relationships in life. To realize that something horrible is going on and you are concerned, you want to know, but then you really don't. Think about your future, your best friends spouse is fooling around. If you tell them you will probably loose your best friend. The nice thing about this is it gives you a way to experience that in the environment of unconditional love that parents have for their children. It will help you to cope and deal in a more mature manner rather than exploding into an emotional tyrade at the dinner table... i.e. "Dad I heard mom on the phone, and I'm pretty shure she is having an affair.... Mom what do you have to say about it?..... (akward silence merging into explosive anger) I don't recommend that method.

 

Ulitmately, talk with your mother.

Step1 Reaffirm your mothers love for you. "Mom, do you love me?"

Step2 Discuss your feelings regarding how you feel without blaming, it is OK to write notes to bring with you so that you don't miss anything. The stratagy mentioned above would probably work.

Step3 Allow your mother time to empathize what is going on in you. (This may not happen in the course of the same conversation.) Ultimately your mother needs to feel your pains, hurts and insecurities.

Step4 Bring it back up as to how she thinks you should cope with your pains, hurts, and insecurietes in a healthy manner.

Step5 Raffirm her love for you and express your love for her and your father back.

 

Note, if this alleged affair is true or not, your mother and you will go through a grieving process. Grieving what you thought was true to be incorrect. Your mom thinks noone knows, or your mom thinks that everyone is experiencing her as the good mother with no conflict. You could be grieving the concept of not being able to express your feelings to your mother, mostly out of fear. So if we go through grieving lets look at the process.

1. Denial. "No my mom can't be having an affair" / "I'm not in another relationship, I love your father and nothing will ever come between the two of us!"

2. Anger. "I'm mad at my mom, she isn't who I thought she was, this is beyond pathetic and hurtful" / "What the hell is my daughter thinking is she is trying to destroy our lives."

3. Ambivalence. "Why would my mom do this? Why our family? "This can't be happening to us." / "Why would she think such things?" "How could she have heard that conversation?" "What is my relationship really like with my husband, why would anything like this happen?"

4. Acceptance. "I don't like what my perception is of my mom, but I recognize that she loves me unconditionally." I'm not sure if it is true to not, but I still love her and she can make her own decisions in life. If she is, then there needs to be a discussion about protecting your dad from STDs with your mom not your dad. This makes it more real to your mom what she is doing to your dad. If she is not really having one, then chalk it up to the glories of communication and allowing your hurt feelings to be known in an appropriate and healthy manner. If you box in your anger, you box in you love as well. So by getting this out in the open irregardless of the truth you cross the hurdle of being able to express yourself, and open the pathways to how angry you can be as well as loving at the same time. The more intense you feel the anger, the more intensely you can feel the love as well. Your mom doesn't own you an explanation, it may be a part of her humanity that she can't fess up. This is why you are expressing your feelings and how you feel and not blaming her. Blame is giong to kill you emotionally down the road.

 

I think a counsleor would help, but it may take a week or more to get an appointment. You may very well boil over before that point. So keep things in perspective, don't blame, and express your feelings.

 

You'll get through this, this is a hurdle that will help you many times over later in life, especially regarding trust and openness with those that you love. Let us know if you have any additional questions or what your final decision is on how you resolve your hurts and disappointments.

 

Happy New Year,

 

mike_chppr

[dyoung]

I'm am so sorry your are going through something like this.

I dont have any advice but I'm glad you found the board, and have some

sort of outlet.

 

I dont know what you'll choose to do, but I will pray for you.

I'm again so sorry

[jwzdc]

wow guys. thank you so much. mike, i nearly cried when you talked about the denial and anger i was feeling. you were exactly right. blender and mike, you both gave me a lot of confidence with those personal experiences.

 

enough to confront my mom. i took pieces of everyone's advice on how to confront her. it made me feel more comfortable knowing that i was "advised to do this."

 

surprise, denial, and finally an explaination.

 

she explained to me that nothing "happened" between them. i assume she means they didnt have sex.

 

she then explained that married couples have those feelings sometimes, and that she had to overcome them, and she did, and that nothing was going on anymore. (that they werent really even speaking)

 

she wants to talk to me about it more.

 

i was really pissed at her, but now, like you said mike, i put her good and bad qualities in the same "bucket" and realized that shes a human. its just so hard to think of her as a human, when shes been my mom for 16 years.

 

thanks again, really. im through the hardest part of this ordeal. i just need some time to think about it.

 

I hope this thread can help others in my situation, because a lot was offered here.

[mike_chppr]

OK, I just got your reply today, somehow I lost this thread, but it is a very good one. I think it throws some of my own emotional growth out there, I could not have said something like this a month ago.

 

I'd really like to know how your conversation went, how did you mix our approaches, what kind of mental process did you use to prepare, how did you initiate the conflict, what was the instantaneous and then the delayed reaction from your mother, how did you experience her reactions. What is the aftereffect, how much of this has your mother expressed to your dad? Does he know and how much. Because it is those interactions that help you to learn how to deal with real emotionally intense conflict later on in life. If you can experience them as a sort of inquisitive fly on the wall, that would be much better than going through the same thing on your own. Keep in mind your own values, which will become different from those of your parents. Some people form them while with their parents, but others form them way later in life.

 

I'm so proud of you, this must have been huge to initiate.

 

Glad I could help,

 

mike_chppr

[Ennex]

hi there, i know how u feel, i just found out that my mother is having an affair with my uncle (not blood related).

 

AND ITS KILLING ME

 

my older brother is 18 and my other oldest brother is 23.....i dont know what to do because my dad will lose it, i feel so bad and im going crazy, i use to to look up to my mum as well and now i dont know who to tell about it

 

your not alone....

 

Kieran