A Year of NO Progress At All...{edit} Depressing

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I just tried to create a list of Emily's Positive Accomplisments In 2006:

 

Education

 

-Had a major part in college play, did NOT {mod edit} it up

-Achieved an A in Philosophy

-Have actually applied to University; regardless of whether I get in or not, I'm surprised I could make myself do it

-Contributed the most (oh well, I'm competitive, what can you do) by a long way in Sociology class and showed on my excellent academic report

-Stopped having so many breakdowns at college (no, I'm not joking)

 

Relationships

 

-Have had no arguments with boyfriend

-Helped boyfriend through his dad's sudden and awful death through cancer

-No arguments with family

-Generally on better terms with family

-Got enough courage to reunite with longlost friends for one evening this Xmas season

 

Mental Health

 

-Uhmm

-OK, well, I have seen a decrease in my bingeing behaviours!

 

Personal Growth/Other

 

-Furthered understanding of both Christianity and Islam significantly

-Continued/sustained effort to help people on enotalone when the mood permits

-Come to terms with a few frustrations e.g. epilepsy=no driving for AGES, in MY car, after spending MONTHS on lessons..argh SOAB..I mean, yeah

 

All well and good, but I feel NO better than I did last year. Absolutely no better at all, and I sincerely wished I HAD done myself in like I wished I had last Xmas Eve.

 

I can do all the above and more but I've had a {mod edit} ENOUGH, you know?

 

I HATE ME

[annie24]

awww emily, I am proud of you. you have some really great achievements, you should be proud of them too. keep learning and growing. life is a process.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I don't think I'd be sorry if I wasn't here next year. I am so almighty TIRED of everything. You name it, I'm sick of it.

[annie24]

well, I looked at your list, and I think you have made some amazing progress. good grades, less issues with the family. that is hard, to improve relationships with your family, so I definitely think you deserve a "pat on the back" for making progress in that area. and you applied to university, that is great.

 

what are you looking forward to this year? any goals? vacations? hobbies you want to take up?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Short answer, and its not said bitterly-

 

Nope.

[FortunateOne]

I HATE ME

 

I don't think I'd be sorry if I wasn't here next year. I am so almighty TIRED of everything. You name it, I'm sick of it.

 

Wow! I use to feel like this for a good portion of my life and then fixed it. So what's missing that could, if possible, magically improve and change you to be a positive person?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

1) Lithium

2) A driving license

3) 20lbs off my blubbery body

4) An ability to not feel so awful about EVERYTHING

 

I'm in for delivery most days this week.

[FortunateOne]

1) Lithium

Well, your Physician can take care of this as soon as you're able to see him. So take hold of this and look forward to making it happen for you.

 

2) A driving license

I once dated a girl with epilepsy and she was not allowed to get the experience of freedom that comes with having one. She acknowledged it and forgave her God and self in order to move forward in a positive way. Her freedom came from being safe with the love she projected to others and thereforeeee everyone assited her with pleasurable travels to places.

 

3) 20lbs off my blubbery body

This will automatically happen once you positive paradigm shift takes hold since you will love yourself by proudly living a physically healthy lifestyle.

 

4) An ability to not feel so awful about EVERYTHING

And again, a positive paradigm shift will completely change the physical manifestation of you current emotions. Call it "mind over matter", a "spiritual relationship" with your diety or a positive "psychosomatic" effect since it all ends in positivity of your wonderful life and beauty.

 

All I can say is it's in your power to feel good and take cherge of what you can control. Don't think or focus about things out of anyone's control. Give up the control and the self hatred will leave. You're an awesome person that is equally as important as any one else. So just do it.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Sounds like you've had a terrific year! I like the yearly stocktakes, they help me to focus and think of the things that I want to do next. You sound awfully down on yourself, when logically you know that you have had an amazing year. Don't be so hard on yourself - you would be horrified if you treated a friend they way you treat yourself. Maybe that should be something for you to think about, being kinder and more positive about all the great things you've done?

 

If you can achieve so much in 12 short months, you can do anything you want. The trick is to work out what it is. You sound depressed to me - sorry that I don't know more about your background, but clearly you've had a rough ride and made it through the year with an awful lot to show for it.

 

Do you feel like this most of the time (tired and fed up) or is this a blip? I'm sorry, I'm not being much help here. I just wanted to say that I think you're doing really well, and try to be a little kinder about yourself - less harsh and judgemental. We all think you've done great!

[annie24]

Short answer, and its not said bitterly-

 

Nope.

 

ah, surely there must be something that interests you..... maybe a trip somewhere this year would be fun. where have you always wanted to go? great wall of china? new zealand? why not plan a trip there?

 

or, flip through some course catalogs and find some interesting religious studies classes that would suit you.

 

you can do what ever you want, think big!!!

 

on another note, I don't have a driver's license (by choice!) and I don't feel like it impairs me at all. I get where I need to go by my own two feet or by public transportation. If I need, I can also take a cab somewhere, but that is not too often. Depending on where you live, it is very easy to get by without a car, and you can use all that money that you would have spent on a car on stuff you love, like books, music, clothes, trips, etc.... It is estimated that in the US, a person spends $8000 a year on their car, commuting to and from work. Imagine if you take the bus instead, what you can do with an extra $8000. So, no, I don't feel that not having a car impairs me, I feel I have more freedom.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Fair enough, but I live in a very rural area, and its two buses/an hour each way into nearest town, etc etc due to a rubbish service.

 

I don't have a job, I'm a fulltime student and have neither the time nor the ability (I can barely get out of bed some mornings). thereforeeee = no money = no holidays etc, plane tickets are A LOT..and would my mother just be happy with me careering off..nope. I simply don't have the money to go anywhere.

 

I'm not even especially depressed about any of the above, I just feel so incredibly sad and as thoguh there is nothing and no point in front of me.

 

I feel as though my entire pathetic existence is merely a stupid torturous conspiracy. And I don't want the weight gain of Lithium, that'd make me so depressed it wouldn't be worth taking it in the first place.

 

I feel as though as I hate everyone. This is my standard mode of thought, I'd just normally a little better at "keeping it in".

[FortunateOne]

Oh, you sweet girl. I too spent negative emotional energy in my youth. Here's a big virtual hug for you.

[FortunateOne]

Take hold of the sadness and work through it in a healthy manner. Step outside yourself to see the unfair cards of life and cry on your shoulder. Acknowledge and absolve yourself of the unfairness with the empathy that only you can fully understand. Dwell in the sadness, yet remember the life you own. Remember how you inspire hope to others emotionally worse off on this site, heck, life. You will reach a point in which you saturate yourself with comfort and become tired of your emotion. This is when the paradigm shift happens. You will want to accept it and feel a new emotinal state. New hope, new spirit, new LIFE. To achieve this work through this final stage and all the self love will flow out to the world , universe and God.

[turqoise]

Hugs from me too. Totally know how you feel, and when you`re down you`re down no matter which way you look at it.

 

Is lithium an antidepressant? I don`t know how much you know abut the physical side of depression, but the right vitamin supplements build the broken bits of your brain up and boost neurotransmitter production. No side effects.

 

This little meditation helped to let out the sadness. Imagine 3 people around a campfire. One is you as a little girl, one is you now, and one is you as an old woman. Choose to be one of them and tell the others about how you feel -sad, hopeless, depressed..let everything out in detail. Then be the old woman and comfort the one that`s sad, say lots of things that she needs to hear from you. It sounds a bit dumb, but it works well.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Thank you for...all of the above, everyone. Human diversity is always intriguing.

[turqoise]

geehee..true dat

[Siriana]

Don't hate yourself because you feel so bad. You're allowed to feel that way. Nothing wrong in it. It is a bad feeling and exhausting one (I was depressed for about 6 months when I was 19 so I know how pathetic can person feel when you're bad and you have no idea how to make yourself feel better).

 

You must certainly try to raise above mediocrity and be one of those people who don't make lists about past year accomplishments and who don't make new year resolutions. It all goes down the drain on the 1. january. And it's not important. If you were on a deserted island (o.k. you live in rural area... wouldn't have any idea that it's new year. So just say screw it.

 

You've done a lot. And the only thing that sucks is that each day is a new battle. Thats the way life goes.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

So I'm mediocre now? Ohhhh dear.

[Siriana]

hahahaha. comme on this was ment to make you laugh. I knew that mediocre is something you don't prefer beeing. Happy new year - soon to be.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Yeah, happy new year too ;-)

 

I just attempted to make a martini and lemonade, it was foul.

 

I will endeavour to make myself very unmediocre, perhaps I will paint myself pink.

[Suesser Tod]

Almost 4 months away from ENA, but thought about you, and don't like what I found.

 

There are alternatives to lithium, I used to take magnesium valproate or something like that instead of the good old lithium. Maybe a new year resolution could be to drag yourself into therapy, once again.

 

 

And about the progress, I can see a lot, you can't see it. How is Xal doing? When was the last time you had a relationship like that?

 

You had a lot of achievements, focus on what you were able to get done, instead of what you didn't.

 

By the way, happy new year Emily. Hate to see you crying.

 

Now, I must go away, once again.

[Siriana]

Well you're definitely one of the persons who forces me to check up my Webster's dictionary very often!

So 2 new words for me today: foul=disgusting

endeavour= to strive, to make an effort

I feel pretty much bad in english right now. So feeling of inadequacy is here for me today! (yeah, another word I learned from you)

 

I hope you found a victim willing to try that martini!

 

I wish you only the best in this year!