Snooping boundaries

[Mr. Brightside]

I was curious to know what everyone's personal boundaries are, should they suspect their husband/wife/fiance/gf/bf of cheating on them. What I mean is, how far you would go in finding out information... checking phone bills - getting their e-mail password to check e-mails - following them - reading their diary/journal - hiring a PI etc (any other ways you have used/heard of?).

 

I know every situation is different and that we all need to be in the situation to understand the complexities, but perhaps people have certain boundaries that can and should never be crossed?

[Lilu]

Hi.

 

Well, to be honest, I have checked an ex boyfriend's email account a few times to find out what email he gets just out of curiosity....which I found emails from a few other girls he had chated previous to our relationhip. I never told him. But thats pretty much it. I do get jealous, and sometimes can make it very obvious, but I believe everyone deserves their privacy, including me, so I haven't done that and am not planning to do that again, even if I have suspicion of cheating because the way I see it, I will found out sooner or later- Men can't lie in a convincing manner hehe.

[Kumiko]

Well, I've been in a situation where it turned out my bf was working as a prostitute--I definitely had suspicions long before I found out for sure, and i entertained thoughts of all of the above. Esp. about hiring a PI or disguising my voice on the phone, etc.

 

I ended up doing none of them, though, bc I don't like the kind of person I become when I am snooping--fearful, closed-off, untrusting, dishonest, jealous, angry...etc. Whether any of those feelings was justified is debatable; my point is I hate feeling that way.

 

Snooping is still a near-constant temptation, though--like I want to go to the websites where he had his profile up soliciting johns and see if it is still active. But I feel like if it is going on still, I'll find out about it without having to go digging for the evidence.

[Daligal83]

I wouldn't snoop. To me, if I don't trust my partner to the point that I feel like I have to do that to figure out what he's doing..the relationship is doomed. It can't survive without that trust. So regardless of if he is cheating or not, I'd either address the trust issue or leave.

[Ellie2006]

I agree w/ Daligal. This, of course, does NOT mean I would not be curious about the contents of his email inbox but I would not risk my relationship to satisfy my curiosity.

[amtjrtcet]

I agree, snooping isn't the answer. I would be absolutely enraged if I found out my SO had been snooping. I also believe that if there is something going on I will find out about it eventually. I refuse to waste my time and energy on snooping or checking up on someone. I take things as they come, and sometimes I feel I was a little too naive but I'd rather not overstep my boundaries b/c I don't want it done to me.

[Mandoro]

Well I am the kind of person that believes to do what it takes. So I guess snooping isn't that bad in my eyes (if ya are suspected you deserve to be snooped on). But I also trust people way too much because I surround myself with people that I do believe are trustworthy. I also am usually completely oblivious to what is going on so if I do find out its quite obvious that something is going on and there would be no need for the PI and all of that.

 

Of course, I've never been in a relationship so this could mean completely nothing.

[colors]

I agree w/ Daligal. This, of course, does NOT mean I would not be curious about the contents of his email inbox but I would not risk my relationship to satisfy my curiosity.

 

I agree with this.

I may be curious, but I would not risk my relationship to satisfy my curiosity.

If I felt such a strong urge to 'double check' he is being honest with me - to me that means that there is so little trust left in our relationship that I can no longer be satisfied with his words & actually believe it.

I think that is when I would have to leave the relationship.

 

But in your case, were the trust has already been broken & this is her second chance. I would also feel the need to check the emails as well. Not as a habit, but just to confirm that my suspisions where right.....Then I would leave the relationship. knowing every step of the way, that I'm making the right decision.

[lolly]

Well, I've been in a situation where it turned out my bf was working as a prostitute--I definitely had suspicions long before I found out for sure, and i entertained thoughts of all of the above. Esp. about hiring a PI or disguising my voice on the phone, etc.

 

I ended up doing none of them, though, bc I don't like the kind of person I become when I am snooping--fearful, closed-off, untrusting, dishonest, jealous, angry...etc. Whether any of those feelings was justified is debatable; my point is I hate feeling that way.

 

Snooping is still a near-constant temptation, though--like I want to go to the websites where he had his profile up soliciting johns and see if it is still active. But I feel like if it is going on still, I'll find out about it without having to go digging for the evidence.

 

and you are still with this guy?? WOW

 

and how did you find out that he was working as a hooker?

[Kumiko]

He was on the computer and I glanced at the screen and it was a sex website. I asked him what he was doing on there and at first he said, "I just go on there to talk to people." I kept pushing and he admitted that he was having sex for money.

 

It was pretty awful.

[yeawutever]

If I had to even doubt in my b/f for one second and go check his e-mail, then why even bother being in a relationship, it would be over right away.

[Rabican]

If I had reasonable suspicion that my girl was cheating on me, I would go as far as I needed to go (within the law) to confirm it, or prove otherwise.

 

Thats not just saying, gee I wonder if... and then prying into every last piece of her life. Im saying.... you see a semi incriminating email, text message, catch them in some lies etc. I think everyone should keep their head out of the sand in situations like this. Theres nothing wrong with being informed. Just dont be crazy.

[yasmina]

Well I am in this exact situation at the moment, I am tossing up whether to hire a PI or not.

 

I have snooped through his phone/email and found that he has been talking to a family friend that is married. He says they are just friends yet he hid it from me and she hides it from her husband. He swears till he is blue in the face that they just talk.

 

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment. We have been together for 5 years so I feel i need solid proof. is there a way of confronting him so that he will feel comfortable to tell me? Any suggestions? I am at my wits end.

 

Thanks

[shelly7]

Well I am in this exact situation at the moment, I am tossing up whether to hire a PI or not.

 

I have snooped through his phone/email and found that he has been talking to a family friend that is married. He says they are just friends yet he hid it from me and she hides it from her husband. He swears till he is blue in the face that they just talk.

 

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment. We have been together for 5 years so I feel i need solid proof. is there a way of confronting him so that he will feel comfortable to tell me? Any suggestions? I am at my wits end.

 

Thanks

 

Sounds like you already confronted him.

 

I don't agree with those that say don't snoop. And those that say they would leave if they doubted their partner should realize it's just not that easy to leave when you love someone and you're not sure.

 

Now you need to do what you need to do to satisfy your doubts. However, tread carefully though and protect your heart.

 

Your instincts are telling you something.

 

(sigh) I can't tell you what a sinking feeling it is once you have confirmation that you've been lied to.

 

My heart goes out to you. Good luck! And i hope you find that he was being truthful.

[handsdown]

I had major trust issues with my boyfriend early on in our relationship. We've been through a lot with this issue and I really had to stop myself from snooping because it was really hard on our relationship.

 

Now if I feel the need to snoop, I just ask him to see his email or whatever (I can't really think of anything else I could snoop in since we live together) He has nothing to hide so never has a problem when I ask. To be honest I rarely ask now, it makes me feel confident to know the option is there though so my insecurities are eased.

 

As for being uncomfortable about being snooped on, I've only ever had a problem with it if I had something to hide, but maybe some people like their privacy more? I just can't see why it would matter if the person you love and share everything with snooped if you had nothing to hide. I guess I would rather they just be upfront about it.

[anggrace]

Well, Im guilty of snooping. I felt sick to my stomach as I was doing it. But my gut feeling was that something wasnt right. I found that he had been paying for two online dating services 9 months into our relationship. I then had to tell him that I snooped. As guilty as I felt about it, I was glad I did. It wasnt right that he was doing that, and I expressed that to him VERY clearly. I havent snooped again since then because I dont feel I have a reason too. I dont want to. It wasnt pleasant.