38 Years old....Folks ive "been there", im "still there" and

[bruce21b]

IM STILL SEARCHING....God has not answered my prayer YET, dont know if he is even listening

 

 

Hi everyone...

 

 

Ive kinda been lurking around this site for about a month...dont know how i found it..

 

I really thought i was the only person in the world who is lonely, empty, sad and searching.....

 

after reading a lot of posts on here i see that most of you are really "young" twenty-somethings or even teenagers..

 

Im a 38 year old guy and i am further "down the road" than most of you when it comes to this 'loneliness' thing...

 

Average guy is what i would describe myself as...not Brad Pitt but not Danny Devito either in the looks department..typical "nice guy", tall, dark and nothing special...

 

Let me tell you all...I have spent my whole entire life looking for someone special, and i have not found her yet..For over two decades now i have tried in vain to find that special someone in my life.....

 

Ive tried everything: being "myself", being an " * * * * * * *", a "jerk", "badboy", "romantic" and every type of man that you can think of to a woman and i STILL cant find that special someone to be close to....

 

All this time i have watched helplessly from the "sidelines" while friends, co-workers and family have met someone, dated, fallen in love and gotten married.....babies, career and houses come next, and on and on and on and on........

 

I am one who has COMPLETELY given up on finding a soulmate...after years of trying and trying this loneliness and emptiness has taken its toll...dreams and a joyful life are what has happened to other people, not me...

 

Being alone SUCKS, but i have spent my whole life alone and i can tell you, it does not get any easier....and what makes it hard is that i cannot count the times i have liked a particular woman, but cannot for the life of me, get past that God Damn "FRIEND ZONE"!!!! Im always okay as a friend but never as a lover and i cannot figure it out even after all this time.......

 

there is nothing worse than being attracted to a woman whom you have feelings for and constantly being put in the friend-zone....

 

I have a decent job, wear nice clothes, treat people with respect and would give my heart completely away to the right person, but i dont know what else to do...

 

Ive done it all: bars, church, dating sites, blind dates, hobbies, going to malls, clubs...you name it, ive done it trying to meet someone....

 

I have to agree with the young Kevin T on here: I am READY to give up...after so many let downs the emptiness wins..

 

im sorry, but the good-guy (and girls) DONT always win...more often than not its the rude, abusive jerk who gets the "prize"....ive seen it more times than i can count and it always ends up the same way...the girl "loves" guys like that while guys like us "nice" are the emotional shoulders to cry on and make things better...good enough for a friend but not good enough to date......

 

Im at the point now in my life if i DID find someone i probably could not get used to being with someone, LOL....

 

So to all you "youngsters" on here, i wish i could give you "hope" that things will get better, but Life throws out some harsh realities, and a lot of times it DOES NOT get better, im living proof, but dammit it is not from lack of trying'.....

 

these are just some thoughts i had, first time posting on here and i dont intend to paint a bleak picture for everyone else on here, just wanted to share my experiences with you all..

[anggrace]

I think many more people would be alone if they didnt settle so easily. I also think that MANY people who are in realtionships still feel very alone. Yes, you are older than many of these people on this sight, but you arent "old", in my opinion. I think there's plenty of time left for you to find someone. But at the same time, I can see how it can be very discouraging.

[drum4god]

Dude,

 

I feel your pain. I am 37 and sort of in your shoes also. I have been with many women, but its seems like every woman I fall in love with doesn't love me. I am in a relationship and believe I am experiencing that now, and trust me that is worse than being lonely. There was an line in an old song by the band Yes, it said "owner of a loney heart is much better than only of a broken heart". Believe me its true.

 

With that said loneliness blows also. I like yourself did the nice guy, bad boy, jerk route, and to be honest it seems like being the jerk and bad boy worked better for me. Unfortunately I acted that way with women I liked but didn't love. I guess the key is not to care. I don't know. Its weird its working for the girl that is dating me. She is not giving me what I need or want, but I am in love with her. I will admit I did fall in love with her, because she was kind, warm and had a connection so I can't say I fell for her because she was cold, but its seems once you let your guard down, many women turn on you. It's scary.

 

I don't want to paint all women with one brush, because there are a ton of good women out there, but its seems like they are all married, or not interested in me. LOL

 

Listen, dude there are no easy answers or guarantees in life. Just know that the only people you can count on is God. Even your family will let you down at times. But you can't give up. I have been burned alot and my heart has taken a pounding, but I am still going on strong, and I will still be strong even if my relationship doesn't work out. The heart is a very resisliant muscle.

 

That is the attitude you have to have. You have to perservere and be tenacious. Complaining and whining gets you know where. It doesn't change things. So just be yourself, learn from your mistakes, don't take stuff from anyone.

 

You may want to pick up this book, "No more Mr Nice Guy" its was very helpful, and made me realize alot of the mistakes I made in my life, especially towards women. There is a different between being Nice and Good. Nice implies there are some strings attached towards your niceness, and women get turned off by that. They also don't like that we do things to win their approval. I didn't agree with everything in the book, but its definitely an eye opener.

[Scout]

I'm sorry about your frustration, but the one common denominator in everything you've tried, every where you've looked, is you, friend. So, I'm not sure why you are externalizing your difficulties on other people, in this case, that it's because an entire gender, women, "don't like nice guys."

 

Quite candidly, I have to wonder just how nice a person is if they could believe in a generalization that is, when you think about it, pretty demeaning towards women. It seems one would have to have a pretty low opinion about women to conclude that our taste is so poor, which is basically what you're saying when you state women prefer jerks. I'd be curious to know if you also believe guys in general like jerky women?

 

There will always be people out there who are doormats when it comes to relationships, but as a whole, I do not think women or men prefer to cast their fortunes in life with jerks.

 

Anyway, my advice is to let go of such self-defeating generalizations in 2007 and make it the year you discover what you find most meaningful in life and what interests you enjoy the most. This will go a long way in helping you find a kindred spirit.

[Wimpy]

Being a similar age to you I was interested to read your post but you know what by the end I was a bit fed up of the "pity party" you were throwing yourself...sorry to sound tough and others may slap me down for saying it but it's how I felt.

 

You talk as though 38 was 98.

 

Your post sounded desperate. You said you've spent the past 2 decades looking for someone - is that all you've done? I've spent the past 2 decades getting some qualifications, making some good friends, travelling all over the world, learning to scuba dive, buying a house, all sorts of things. Oh yeah in that time I've had one meaningful relationship that lasted just short of 2 years and ended nearly 2 years ago. It taught me the capacity I have to love another human being and how great it is to be in love. But it also showed me how unbelievably tough it can be when it goes wrong. I've spent the past 2 years reminding myself about who I am and how I can be a happy, fulfilled and successful human being - as a single person.

 

Only the other day was I saying to a friend of mine that now I truly believe that the secret to happiness is being happy with whatever state of life in which you find yourself. If you're single, take advantage of that, if you're married then love the one you're with. If you're a parent then understand how incredibly blessed you are. Stop worrying about what you HAVEN'T got and start appreciating what you HAVE got.

 

And hey I feel quaified to say that as it's what I've begun to do and I'm also more or less the same age as you.

 

Just my thoughts - feel free to disregard them if they don't work for you.

[Scout]

^ ^ ^ ^

What she said.

[bruce21b]

"pity party", "desparate", "demeaning to women"??????

 

WHAT are you talking about????

 

Folks, let me explain a few things....

 

I in no way "pity" myself...Im not "desparate"...meaning i will not accept just ANY woman for the sake of having "someone" in my life....

 

the word that best describes me is "frustration"......

 

And no Wimpy, looking for women is not "all ive done" the past two decades...

 

I too have traveled the world, built a successful career..yada yada yada.....but to me, all of that stuff is meaningless without someone to share it with....and like i said, is NOT for lack of trying...I have had numerous relationships with women on the "friend" level, but just cant seem to make the transition from friend to "lover"...

 

I didnt mean to cast a broad stroke saying all women love "jerks" who abuse them....

 

It is just i do not have enough fingers to count the times i have seen the most beautiful and nice women take up relationships with the most rude, mistreating and abusive men...both friends AND people in my own family....whether these guys have certain "qualities" that I dont know about remains a mystery...but in my experience a lot of nice girls wind up with A-holes...and im NOT one of them......

 

and i wasnt trying to get sympathy or anything, i usually dont talk about it, but just wanted to convey some feelings i have about this subject and hear what some others have to say..

 

and drum4God...I too found the "jerk" routine seems to get more of a response from women...but that is just not ME...to some guys this is just a natural part of their personality, but for some reason i just cant seem to "stick" with it...it wouldnt be real anyway if a girl did fall for me because i was a jerk....

 

I dont know, i was just thinking out loud..thanks for all your replies

[SquareWheel]

I know how you feel, Bruce21b. I'm in my forties and still a virgin. Seriously. It's really frustrating that I can't seem to find intimacy (my euphamism for sex) or a girlfriend to save my life, when it seems to just come along naturally to everyone else.

 

I'm using some adult dating sites now, openly and frankly explaining my situation and advertising for a first partner. Are you looking for a relationship, or a wife, or just sex?

[archer lever]

Well I am 39 and also single . Been so most of my life . I get stuck in the friend zone also.So I know how you feel . I worry about too things being alone in the future when my immediate family has moved on in life and - the depressed feeling when if I turned down or being turned down too often. Is that silly or unhealthy?

[kryptik0]

oh god, this is depressing. Why am I reading enotalone on xmas day?

[Lovely2400]

Hey there...my first time here and I read your message....just to say you are not alone..Just how I am feeling right now...Its Christmas but I feel so sad..I have loved and lost and don't know why

[galaxy71]

I'm sorry about your frustration, but the one common denominator in everything you've tried, every where you've looked, is you, friend. So, I'm not sure why you are externalizing your difficulties on other people, in this case, that it's because an entire gender, women, "don't like nice guys."

 

The OP talked about how he tried everything. He went to bars, nightclubs, and churches. This guy tried tried being nice with women and being the bad boy. He hasn't failed for lack of trying. The guy did look at the way he was interacting with women.

 

"Quite candidly, I have to wonder just how nice a person is if they could believe in a generalization that is, when you think about it, pretty demeaning towards women. It seems one would have to have a pretty low opinion about women to conclude that our taste is so poor, which is basically what you're saying when you state women prefer jerks. I'd be curious to know if you also believe guys in general like jerky women? "

 

Just because it's a generalization, it doesn't make it false or demeaning to women. Many women are attracted to jerks because these jerks have all the attractive qualities of a confident, sexual man. Women prefer guys to make the first move. They want guys who are aggressive and have confident personalities. There are plenty of instances where I seen or heard about nice women dating and sleeping with badboys and players.

 

"There will always be people out there who are doormats when it comes to relationships, but as a whole, I do not think women or men prefer to cast their fortunes in life with jerks. "

 

But that doesn't negate the fact that a lot of badboys or players don't have any problems attracting women. Instead of trying to refute his argument with logic or evidence, all you did was put down his "generalization" because you happened to not agree with it.

 

Now it's time for my vent. This vent is directed toward all the women in this website. A lot of guys have been sold a false, bill of goods. We were told that if we worked hard and treated people with respect, we would find the women of our dreams. Than something terrible happens. When we approach women, we notice these women give us the cold shoulder. They greet our smiles with a frown. We ask them questions about themselves. These women curtly reply with short, one-word answers. Even if we get a phone number, many women reject us by not returning our phone calls, or giving lame excuses about how they are too busy to date. Some women even have the gall to reject guys by not even showing up for the date.

 

A lot of guys have heard of every rejection in the book. "I just got out of a relationship". "I am too busy with my job and my career". "I forgot to tell you that I have a boyfriend". Many of these guys perservere by playing the numbers game. These guys will try churches, bars, and nightclubs. Again, they find no luck. The more approaches they make, the more rejections that they encounter. This process goes on years, if not decades.

 

Women try to comfort these frustrated guys with platitudes like "Be yourself" and "There's someone for everyone", and "Love happens when you are not trying". These guys decide to take this advice. Again, these guys continued to get ignored by women.

 

While all this is happening, women are dating and sleeping with the alpha males who aren't afraid of offending her. Women choose these guys not because they are nice but because they are attracted to the alpha males looks and personality. The nice guy is spending his weekends surfing the internet, while the alpha male is sleeping with a new female every weekend.

 

Eventually, the nice guy gets bitter when he realizes that women are passing him over for that handsome, alpha male. He dosn't know why women are treating him like a leper. Many of these nice guys become so bitter that they stop talking to women and they start bashing women. All of this happened because women brainwashed guys into thinking that they could get a girlfriend or wife by being nice.

 

Women need to stop all this crap about how they like nice guys. Instead, they need to tell the cold, honest truth. They have to start telling guys how to attract women through confidence and good social skills. On this website, when a guy vents about women, he is labeled a misogynist. Yet when a guy makes an effort to improve his social skills with women, he is immediately labeled a "player".

 

I am tired of all this self-righteous behavior from women. There are a lot of nice, older guys who are lonely and frustrated because they don't know how to attract women. It's one thing to reject a nice guy. It's a totally different thing when you give him bad advice on how he can attract women by being nice and polite. Ugh. This topic makes me so frustrated. I know a lot of guys in their thirties, fourties, and fifties who have never been married because they never learned how to attract quality women. I feel like these guys have been lied to their entire lives.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Galaxy, the other side of the coin is that there are actually nice women who want the nice guy...problem is, the nice guys are not actually interested in the nice women...they are too busy running after the "sluts and * * * * *es" as well as the women who like the bad boys. I see it all the time on these threads and have seen it in my experience as well.

[Scout]

This thread is reminding me of an incident I witnessed a long time ago. I used to work on a local television talk show; it usually was concerned with political issues, but one time we did a "Dating in Denver" show, where we rounded up four gals, and four guys. Actually, we split it up into two shows, with the guys talking about the dating life in Denver on one show, and the gals on another.

 

Anyway, one of the gals owned a dating/matchmaking service. She made an observation about one of the guys while she was watching the male portion of the show being taped. This guy was making complaints similar to the original poster's and to galaxy's. The woman who owned the dating service said she'd seen these kinds of guys time and time again...the so called nice guys who get screwed over all the time...she said they were inevitably attracted to "bad girls" who would use them, and basically treat them like dirt. Whenever she would try to set them up with quieter, unassuming, shyer women who were attractive but not flashy, they would say they didn't feel a "spark" with them.

[bulletproof]

I disagree that most women want bad boys, or they like to be offended. My most painful breakup was with a 'nice guy'. He devestated me.

 

I also think it's highly inaccurate to say that the women on this site don't give the advice of 'be confident, develop social skills'. I've seen that advice repeated time and time again, and I'm often the giver of it. It's in my best interest as well as the guy's; I want a guy I'm interested in to be confident and social, too. We all want the same positive ending.

 

I am 35 and sometimes lose hope that I will find someone to be with. But as fast as I have that thought, I have to replace it with a better thought, because being bitter and p*ssed off about it gets me nowhere. I could just as easily look around my world and say all the good guys are taken, or not interested, etc. But that's not entirely true.

[Scout]

I also think it's highly inaccurate to say that the women on this site don't give the advice of 'be confident, develop social skills'.

 

Actually, I see a lot of guys giving that advice to other guys on here. There are several guys that swear by those "How to seduce a woman" kind of websites, or the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" types of books that encourage guys to be so-called "alpha males."

 

Personally, I like to encourage both men and women to develop and pursue their own unique interests, because that seems the most logical way to meet a kindred spirit, someone you actually have something in common with. When I was single, I tried the generic meeting grounds...online dating, night clubs, church...and nothing really ever panned out on a permanent basis. It's like the buckshot approach. I think it makes more sense to narrow your "target" grounds, so to speak. Now, that doesn't mean right off the bat you'll meet someone you hit it off with, but eventually, you're more likely to, if you're getting out there and doing things you personally really like and enjoy. Not to mention, you're actually having a good time, whether you've met someone or not at that point, because you're absorbed in something you like doing.

[bulletproof]

Scout, I agree. I think that bars/online dating don't always work because the only common ground might be that both people are lonely. It's crucial to find a passion in life and follow through with it, and I always believe that will bring people together.

[galaxy71]

Guys are not attracted to bad girls. They are attracted to women who are visually appealing. The guys who chase bad girls are guys who are looking for one night stands and short-term relationships. These guys are attracted to her looks not her personality. These type of guys are not nice guys at all. They are looking for sex not a long-term relationship.

 

The nice guys I am talking about don't usually go to bars and nightclubs. Instead they go to places like church or community service groups to meet women. These guys are looking for long-term relationships rather than a one night stand. As a result, they are looking for a quality women as a girlfriend or wife. Unfortunately, a lot of these guys don't know how to attract women through their personality and looks. . After so many rejections, some guys become bitter and stop trying. Other guys lower their standards and settle by dating women that are unattractive and have major personality flaws.

 

The reason why I am so passionate is that I know of a lot of older, nice guys(in their thirties and fourties) who are like the OP. The nice guys I know are into comics and computers. They are college educated. Yet for some reason, these guys are overlooked by women. Women don't seem interested in their hobbies because these hobbies are "geeky" and obscure. These guys are confident when they approached women. But after so many failures, the confidence fades away since they have no success to build it on. These guys never learned how to attract women. Instead they're fed platitudes about "being yourself" and "how they're is someone for everyone".

[Scout]

Well, I'm not going to argue with you that to me, a guy who mainly spends his weekends surfing the Internet, and whose primary hobbies are video games/computers, and comic books, would be appealing. Not if that's what he spent the majority of his time doing, any way. Because those are very solitary, disengaged-from-other-people activities that don't seem to lend themselves well to providing fun, conversation, and general stimulation into a relationship. However, I have spotted several comments on various threads here on eNotalone from both gals and guys who mention they like to play video games with their boyfriend/girlfriends, so it seems there's a large portion of folks out there who have those interests. For me, I'm just not one of 'em. (Except my eNotalone addiction, lol.)

 

But, I do like a guy that gets involved with community service/volunteer work on a regular basis. I think that's awesome, but then, I'm pretty regularly involved in volunteer activities myself, so that's just something I personally would have in common with someone.

[Goldfish6888]

You can analyse, analyse, analyse...but at the end of the day.....LONELY is lonely. Nice guy, player, jerk........all can feel lonely. When they go home from work and close their door, there is no one to share the day with..., I totally identify with this post. I've done the bars, the nightclubs.

 

I'm considered very attractive and get the usual "why aren't you taken yet?" and I can't answer that question, except to say, maybe it just isn't my time yet.

 

Maybe there is a different plan for me.

 

God knows, I'd be a great wife/life partner for someone - I'm outgoing, extrovert, enjoy fun and am extremely supportive to my friends. I've turned people down who probably wouldve been good for me. But I guess I just wasn't ready then. And now I am ready and now I'm still searching.

 

I've done a lot of things, an awful lot, have rich memories that make me the person I am today. So I just hope, that that man is somewhere, the one that will be my best buddy and that I can share the rest of the adventure with....

 

Christmas is such a time for feeling alone and thinking over the past year....

 

So come on double O seven.....make it my year!!! I hope you all find love and your best friend........in the next 12 months....share the love!!

 

Come on guys...Everyone deserves SOMEONE

[ycmanvs]

I found this thread very interesting. I am in my late 30's, female, and very lonely, even though I am in a relationship. I think people, both male and female, are initially attracted to physical beauty. I believe that once you actually get to know someone really well after spending enough time with them, you understand who they are. Unfortunately, what ends up happening is that who they really are is not who they first appeared to be.

I think the truth is that most people do settle for unhappy relationships and do not find their soulmate because they do not want to be alone. However, I am not sure that there is such a thing as an actual soulmate. I believe that there are people who we get along with on various levels and that if we happen to find them physically attractive as well, we end up dating them. If these feelings are mutual and consistent and if the people are mature enough to want to get married and have children, then they might end up happy.

This does not happen all that often and we end up with a very high divorce rate.

So, I think the answer is to try to be happy being by yourself and accept the fact that you may end up without a significant other, but that there will be friends and family and people who will be there for you.

If we are lucky enough to meet someone compatible, great...if not...that should be great too....

[Wimpy]

I think that this is very true and part of the reason I have, since my break-up decided to concentrate on being happy single. Being "with" someone does not guarantee a Mills and Boon "happy ever after" ending.

 

What's worse? Being lonely but at least having your freedom and independance or being lonely in a relationship - I think that must be really sad and very hard - as suggested by your honest post.

[iwishiknew]

I am 28 years old and being alone does suck! I never had any gf, or relationship with a girl yet or even kissed a girl yet..Hopefully 2007 will be the year for me.

[Remade]

Bruce, I'm 20 and I feel the same way. I've never had a girlfriend. I've always been on the friends ladder. Whatever you said, I'm going thru right now. I've lived 1/4 of my lifetime alone. I just recently got my heart broken, so you can imagine how crappy I feel currently. I was rejected when I finally decided to climb off the friends ladder. It's a sh!tty feeling. I feel like I've given up.

 

But after I read your post and I read Wimpy's. I'd have to look towards wimpy's view if I'm expecting better days. My best friend said the same thing about me the other day. He called me one ungrateful bastard. He had a good truthful explanation too.

 

To some degree one day, we'll both have to realize that we have to make the best out of life with or without someone. My friends all say I speak like if I'm 80. After reading Wimpy's post, no offense but I don't want to turn out like you at 38. I want to find someone and settle down. I know what my problem is. If I contain it, you possibly contain it too.

 

I'm shy, I get nervous around women I find attractive. I can be emotionally unstable when I don't get their attention. I try my hardest to be a "man" figure. I've tried the bad guy, good guy, nice guy, jerk, role. You name it, I probably tried it. Still I've found no one and I've watched all my friends, now 20, finding someone. I don't take this matter very lightly upon myself. I will learn how to take it less seriously. I have too high of an expectation for women. I expect them to be beautiful, loyal, smart and matching. I have my high ego, show off moods. I get too caught up with women who I find attractive. I pay too much attention to them and never learned how to loosen up. I get aggressive at times. I hate my life. I am ungrateful. I'm ready to give up my life any second. I'm alone. I smoke. I'm depressing. I want to give up. And I'm only 20. These are all my character flaws.

 

I will have to learn to correct them and be grateful for the things I already have, as Wimpy said. Only when you are satisfied and secure with yourself, then can you learn to love others. As much as I believe that having a woman in my life may solve all of life's problems, this is not true. It's not true for anyone. But damn, I wish I had someone too! But as you get older, you start to realize dreams don't come true. Dreams get shattered as you get older. The romantic love site you once expected out of life may not always happen. This is the truth. This is the realistic view of life.

 

Bruce, I hope we both make it successfully mentally with or without. Self satisfaction is what counts. When or if the right woman comes along, she's nice, fairly attractive, etc... Take your time. I tend to rush things because I'm impatient, but hey, another one of my flaws that I have to fix.

 

Remember not to feel sh!tty all the times. Women don't like being around depressing fellows. I wish I can tell myself this but I'm going to try. I'm going to wake up for once.

 

We need to wake up!!! You don't know how great life is until you're near death! I've been close to death, because of a woman too!!! I should've learned my lesson, but like human beings always do, we take for granted everything we have even after a lesson. Remember!

[Remade]

I know I'm still young but I'll have to say that the only medicine to life is never to give up on yourself. You can give up on anyone else but never give up on yourself. So don't be afraid to let that girl go. If she's yours, she'll come back. I'm trying to understand this myself. Good luck to everyone that's having hard times. Good luck and God speed!