I mess everything up

[xmrth]

I'm on here so much now. My boyfriend and I exchanged xmas gifts tonight. It was a nice night up until I don't even know when. I feel like I ruin everything and in fact, I do ruin everything. I'm not stupid and I know that I have spellcheck on so I won't talk like I don't know what I'm saying, but we went out for drinks right now and I feel okay. But I know when I wake up I will feel terrible again. He didn't for the reason I did.

 

I like to come here because when I tell my girlfriends anything they say, oh, you have gone out for 7 years... everything will be okay.

 

I was sad because he was going to leave at 10:30 because I wanted him to come over and sleep over like he usually does on Saturday nights. I don't know why I even asked him when he was going to leave but it came up. A lot of weekends we have are ruined... not because of incompatibility but because I feel like I can get upset over nothing and complain for nothing. I push buttons and go as far as I can go. I feel so bad... he said he was looking at rings, and he was going to buy me a $1,000 ring just as a regular gift but it was too much for right now for him. And I feel like he was completely hinting towards Valentine's day because he mentioned it a few times. He said he was happy he didn't get it for me after a night like tonight and I'm so upset. I am so filled to the brim with guilt.

 

Later on he said he was happy he didn't get it for me and other things I can't remember. I blame myself. He wanted me over for Christmas Eve but now I don't know how he feels. And I can't think straight, we finally did go out for dinner and he is okay and fine. But I drank so much and want to keep calling him and saying sorry. He only left 30 minutes from when he was going to leave.. It wasn't worth me getting upset. He's just home now it wasn't for any reason.

 

I am embarrassed. I want to wake up and feel better in the morning. We had a bad night and Exchanged x-mas gifts. I feel like I don't deserve a thing from him.

 

Martha

[DN]

Martha, I suggest you drink a couple of glasses of cold water, take a couple of aspirin with them and go to bed. You will probably feel much better in the morning.

[Boughs]

Can you perhaps be more specific on what it is you do that ruins the nights? is it getting upset over the tiny things? what things are these... perhaps they are larger than you think.

[xmrth]

Something isn't right. I don't want to be a cool kid and I wont pretend to type stupid. But I feel really sick and my boyfriend won't answer. I snooped his voicemail and his friends are home from Iraq. I asked him tonight if that was why he wanted to leave at 10:30 so badly. Now I know why. I drank more than I can handle and I wanted to explain why I am having a hard time. I'm really scared he's ,mad at me enough to cheat on me. I just said things I don't mean and he's so mad at me. As soon as he leaves he's on the phone and it beeps when he's on the other line on a cell like an cell. Says he's not on the other line but he was.... now I know why. He lied to me. I'm so upset. What is wrong. I would be the first one to enjoy pointing out someone trying to be cool while drunk and typing on the internet. But I will be up for a while and need advice. I don't have proof he went out but I id ask him if people were home and he said no. And they are. I snooped.

[Hope75]

Something isn't right. I don't want to be a cool kid and I wont pretend to type stupid. But I feel really sick and my boyfriend won't answer. I snooped his voicemail and his friends are home from Iraq. I asked him tonight if that was why he wanted to leave at 10:30 so badly. Now I know why. I drank more than I can handle and I wanted to explain why I am having a hard time. I'm really scared he's ,mad at me enough to cheat on me. I just said things I don't mean and he's so mad at me.

 

Martha,

 

What exactly did you say to him that leaves you so scared?

 

What are you doing snooping in his voicemail? I'd be really angry and hurt if my bf did that me.

[xmrth]

I don't remember what I said to him. I don't do that but I just felt like it tonight. He will no longer pick up. He wanted to leave at 10:30 and I didn't know why. I got upset because I felt like if I didn't ask he'd still be here now sleeping next to me. He said if people were home he'd leave at 9. I don't care now. I snooped now and his friends ARE home... it only makes sense nothing's changed but I can only blame myself. I'd be upset if he snooped on me too... I don't care tonight. I will care later. I know its bad... Any other night I'd never snoop but tonight.

[xmrth]

He said I wasn't welcome for xmas eve AFTER I was just so frustrated I said I wouldn't go but I would. He said yeah everything's fine but he's mad. Won't pick up his phone at this point but earlier said you know where I live. I will be there but still... everything else... I will have to update about later. I have to come back.

[Hope75]

I don't remember what I said to him. I don't do that but I just felt like it tonight. He will no longer pick up. He wanted to leave at 10:30 and I didn't know why. I got upset because I felt like if I didn't ask he'd still be here now sleeping next to me. He said if people were home he'd leave at 9. I don't care now. I snooped now and his friends ARE home... it only makes sense nothing's changed but I can only blame myself. I'd be upset if he snooped on me too... I don't care tonight. I will care later. I know its bad... Any other night I'd never snoop but tonight.

 

Do you think maybe he felt the need to lie to you so that you would not pressure him and make him feel guilty about wanting to see his friends who are home for Christmas? I know him wanting to go out with the guys has been an issue for you before.

 

It's a big deal to get a holiday break from the military and get to come home- it's understandable that he'd want to see them.

 

Any chance this could be it?

[xmrth]

I do think so... I keep him from his friends... and he'd never keep me from mine. I feel so guilty right now. And so sick and so scared. He said everything's fine but he's MAD just about everything.

 

I'm scared because of this being kept and from the argument.

[Hope75]

I do think so... I keep him from his friends... and he'd never keep me from mine. I feel so guilty right now. And so sick and so scared. He said everything's fine but he's MAD just about everything.

 

I'm scared because of this being kept and from the argument.

 

Ok- so you know that this is a sore spot between the two of you. And you know that he resents you because of it.

 

So with that knowledge, you can do something about it.

 

What do you think you can do about it?

[m_darko]

Does love make some mad? My honest and simple response, chill-pill. I know they are hard to come by but I'll send you some.

 

Doesn't sound like cheating to me darling, from what youve stated.

 

Why snoop? That will only lead you to things you do not wish to find, regardless of how true they are.

 

Just remember, he was alive before he met you and you the same. You guys both have "separate" lives to live.

My suggestion...stop pushing the buttons...?

[annie24]

kind of echoing what darko is saying, I think a big problem is that you are taking everything so seriously. I mean, you are a gorgeous young woman, going to finish her college degree. your boyfriend is not the last man on earth and you should never act like it, or make him the center of your life, which you have done. let's face it - you can get better, you can do better, and you really don't need to put up with this. your relationship has been on the rocks for a while. your boyfriend is fully replaceable.

 

he just may go out and cheat, or maybe do nothing, just hang out with the boys, but you can't freak out like this every single time you guys have a fight. you will have a heart attack and grey hair by the time you are 30. it's really no way to live a life or have a relationship.

[valenski]

Dont try to control everything just leave it and have a little faith that everything will work itself out. He has friends visiting let him hang with them, I think he'll really appreciate that and you just try to relax and get into the christmas spirit and stay out of the spirit in a bottle(not too much alcohol).

Best of the season.

[xmrth]

I want to do that so badly-- just let things happen, just let everything go and happen and stop controlling everything. Or even trying to control everything does the same damage.

 

Now I know they are home and obviously I won't say anything to him except ask. But he won't come over today, nice day out, long day ahead before Christmas Eve family gatherings and whatnot so he will undoubtedly go and have more fun with other people than he has with me probably in a long time.

 

Every weekend we've been having has been terrible. Fridays are okay, Saturdays are far less than perfect, and Sundays are how the whole weekend should have been except by then it's too late.

 

I'm just so upset because we already exchanged gifts and we should have happy times around now and instead we're not. I told him to forget all about last night along with me and I know he can't; he's still aggravated. But I can because it's easy for me to just forget it all when it's THAT stupid.

 

All because he was going to leave at 10:30... all because I asked him for some strange unknown reason-- no idea why. I felt like that was too early-- 11 would have been fine which he probably would have left at that time anyway but I did want him to sleep over for just a little bit until 1 or 2 like always instead. And then I felt like the clock was ticking away and all the nice things I wanted to do with him I had to fit them all in. We spent over an hour fighting and then went out for dinner like we should have about 2 hours before that, and happier. I told him it was my fault and it was, it was all so stupid and it ruined this entire weekend. I am so upset and I hate myself so much over it. I really wonder if I'd be seeing him this afternoon if last night didn't happen like it did.

 

I don't know what I can do about it because I keep preparing myself for each weekend when we see eachother and plan to have nice evenings and do nice things but some way, some how, it gets ruined.

[renaissancewoman101]

Xmrth, I can relate to you when it comes to compartmentalizing the time thing. You want him to spend "x" amount of hours with you and if he doesn't, it makes you feel like you "lost out" even if you didn't and you had a great time during the "y" amount of time he was able to give you. I am like that with my friends and with any SO's in my life. When we get together, I usually ask how late the person can stay out with me and then I make a mental note and count down the hours, like "oh, he only has 5 hours left with me". As the day winds down, I get nervous about things and think "why does he have to leave, it is almost time, ugh". I also have a bad habit of taking notes about how much time he spent with me the last time he saw me, like "last Tues he saw me for 'x' hours, so this Tues, he has to see me for the same 'x' hours" and if he doesnt, I get really worried and upset about things. But I usually internalize that pain or if I dont, I get sad and depressed about it and let the person know I am sad about it.

 

It is not a good habit to have and has hurt some friendships/relationships of mines. I think it is a sign of insecurity and I am not sure how to stop doing it. With me, if I see the person enough, it lessens for me.

[xmrth]

That's how I am too with comparing it to the last time seeing him and whatnot. I don't know if he went out last night but I figured his friends HAD to have been home since it had been so long since they were and they were home this time last year. I don't know... there's other things regarding that and I'm upset he may be a total liar about it.

 

I was talking to a guy I go to school with (last week-- prior to all of this and just in regular conversation) and he was telling me some things he lies to his girlfriend about but he loves the girl so much, been with her for a few years now and is so good to her. He's lied for 2 years now about having quit smoking and told me things about how he feels about marriage... and I wonder and see a connection with my boyfriend on some levels, his friends in particular and how I react to them. I don't think this makes it okay, but I feel like this makes it more common? I don't know.

 

I'm upset that it's Christmas time... Christmas Eve... I'm upset. I'm supposedly still going over his house. He actually wanted me there. Usually he'd not care. And now he doesn't want me there but whatever I can still go. I told him I wouldn't go out of frustration but I didn't mean it. I didn't know he cared.

 

I am killing myself wondering how today and tomorrow would have been had we not had this fight last night. I am so upset...

[xmrth]

What I was so fearful of did not happen. I had a miserable day worrying over absolutely everything.

[renaissancewoman101]

So, what happened?

[xmrth]

I thought he was going to be doing all these other things on Christmas Eve, but it turned out I was wrong and I'm so happy I was.

 

Christmas Eve was okay, but Christmas itself was a lot better-- things were just much better.

 

I feel so bad though because I said something stupid at his house on Christmas Eve, which I didn't think was that bad at first but his mother got a little mad, and I had NO idea until yesterday. I didn't -want- to leave but it was okay, and I wasn't the first one leaving. Actually, after I got up to leave, everyone else started to leave! But my boyfriend was tired, so I said to his parents and to two close people who asked, and I told them "I'm leaving... oh he's tired." But I wasn't mad about it! I just wanted to explain why the girlfriend was leaving, you know? And I didn't mind to leave-- I was there a while... And whatever-- my boyfriend was tired and he SHOWED it, and I don't want to even think about anyone making a connection to him slouching and me, so SO what if I said that he was tired and that's why I had to leave?

 

Is it probably nothing-- like maybe she's not mad at me. My boyfriend said she just didn't know why I had to say it when other people were leaving, too. But I said it just to them and to two people who I know pretty well that were right there because they asked. And nobody else got up until I did.