I tried to tell him how i felt and he completely avoided the conversation!

[ilovecats]

Okay,I'll try to make this quick.About 4 months ago,I met this guy and I was looking for sex only.Well,we've been sleeping together and I have started to develop feelings for him.Great!!So I tried to talk to him earlier about it and he completely avoided the whole thing.Saying that he didn't feel like talking about it.What the hell!!I'm sorry,but I am so hurt right now.I just wanted to know he felt about me.He said,"In the beginning,you said you didn't want a relationship."I did say that,but people's feelings change.So anyway,I guess there's my answer right there.It's obvious that he just wants sex.I just wish he'd come out and actually say it.Why didn't he?Well,so now I'm worried that he's going to want to stop talking to me.Or that things are going to start being weird between us.I told him that I don't want things to be all weird between us and he just said it won't be.So,I guess I'm just looking for some opinions.Thanks!

[Dako]

You got what you wanted in accord with an agreement, and now you want him to discuss matters you implied wouldn't happen?

Don't blame him if he's holding up his end of the deal.

 

Casual sex isn't risk-free. People get attached.

[ilovecats]

So what should I do now?Never bring it up again?Do you think he's going to want to stop talking to me now?Sorry about all the questions but I really don't want things to end between just b/c I told him how I felt.

[itsallgrand]

Okay,I'll try to make this quick.About 4 months ago,I met this guy and I was looking for sex only.Well,we've been sleeping together and I have started to develop feelings for him.Great!!So I tried to talk to him earlier about it and he completely avoided the whole thing.Saying that he didn't feel like talking about it.What the hell!!

 

Whoa, lady. At first I was hoping you were being sarcastic with the 'Great!'.

 

Back up the bus. I think you need to look over your actions objectively.

 

I say this without judgement...that man is probably feeling a wee bit manipulated at this point, and that of course is a huge turn-off. Rightly so: an agreement was made and you ignored the agreement.

 

Try looking at it from his point of view.

 

If I were you, I'd back away slowly and calmly from this guy. Just walk away before things get worse. Let it be, learn from it, and move on.

[Dako]

Put yourself in his shoes.

He finds a woman who only wants sex.

He's glad to skip the messy relationship part.

You tell him you have feelings for him.

 

He has three options.

Dump you

Lie to you

Accept your admission, and risk entering a relationship he didn't want.

[ilovecats]

so what do u think i should do as of right now?call him?let him call me?What?

[Dako]

That depends.

What do you want from him?

[ilovecats]

if it's just sex he wants,then i'm fine with that.i just don't want to stop talking to him.i just wanted to know how he felt.but i guess he doesn't want me to know.

[itsallgrand]

I thought you said you have developed feelings for him?

 

Could you continue to sleep with a man who didn't share those feelings back? Would you want to?

[Dako]

Seems like you could assure him you won't get attached, and only want sex.

Unless you have a problem with that.

[ilovecats]

so do you think i should call him?what should i say?when should i even call him?

[need2bme]

OK, so maybe the question to YOU is not so much that you started to have feelings, which to me is understandable (who can predict the future), but what do YOU WANT NOW? You can ask what we think you should do (and I think you should call him), but you have to decide.

 

Also, you say you are fine with just having sex, then why not tell him that? You being worried about speaking with him, makes me think you still want more than sex. That you have to decide. When you decide, call him and tell him how YOU feel and then ask how he feels.

[Hope75]

I'm worried if you keep having casual sex with someone you have developed feelings for, that if and when he begins having sex with someone else too, or falling for someone else, you are going to get burned worse than you are now.

 

Why are you willing to settle for crumbs from someone when you know you want more?

 

I understand the terms of your "relationship" with him- you can't blame him for not returning feelings when you both entered into this agreeing that it would be nothing more than casual sex- but knowing what you know now (that the terms for you have changed), I really don't think it's best to continue, given that he is still not interested in more with you.

 

What do you think?

[ilovecats]

As hard as it is going to be,I think it would be best to completely stop talking to him.And trust me,it's going to be hard.I've already cried at the thought of never talking to him again.I already miss him.:sad: But I'm going to try not to call him.I know that I'm going to want to really bad.All in due time.Thanks for everyone's advice!If there's more anyone wants to tell me,please feel free.

[ilovecats]

And Hope75,you said you finished nursing school on December 13? That's when my beautiful nephew was born!!!

[ilovecats]

OMG!He called me just a few minutes ago!Which was completely unexpected.But I'm so glad he did!Him calling me put me in such a better mood.He called me to say Merry Christmas and we talked a little.I didn't say anything about what happened the other night and neither did he.I really don't feel like getting into it.If he wants a just sex relationship,I think I can detach my feelings for him.Because now I know that he probably doesn't want a relationship.I should just accept it,right?I mean,I'm only 22.I'm still young.I have plenty of time to find "the one."I should just have fun.I know I sound completely immature right now.Sorry.Anyway,if anyone has anything else to say,feel free.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I know I am jumping in kind late. If you knew ahead of time he was just interested in a sexual relationship, you took a huge risk by getting involved with him and because of that, there is really no room for you to get angry or frustrated with him.

 

Perhaps you were placing expectations on him, for example, because you developed feelings for him, he should do the same. Expectations can be premidatated resentments. It is risky to get into a friends with benefits relationship as you have realized already.

 

I would refrain from seeing him anymore. You developed feelings for him, he does not feel the same way and probably will not. It has been five months. Any kind of contact with him, especially sexual contact, will hurt you more and the more he realizes you will stick around, give him sex and he will not have to do anything. Don't settle my friend.

 

Take care.

[cordelia]

Most "friends with benefits" situations can only last for so long. Because at some point, one person does start to develop feelings or some sort of attachment for the other. From my experience if you are willing to offer sex with no strings attached, what guy would say no to that ?

And also if a guy really likes you after the first or second date, you would know it. He would be calling a lot and taking you out all the time. In other words, you would know it! You wouldn't be sitting there wondering how he feels.

Based on the way he reacted to your conversation, I would back away. Imagine how much more it will hurt if you allow him to keep using you for sex, and meanwhile your feelings for him are getting stronger everytime you see him!

[Hope75]

If he wants a just sex relationship,I think I can detach my feelings for him.Because now I know that he probably doesn't want a relationship.I should just accept it,right?

 

I can see from your post alone how much you like this person- and I think settling fro sex only from him when you know that you want more is a mistake.

 

I did that same thing with a friend of mine for a little while about 5 years ago. Then I started to fall for him and I knew I was entering dangerous territory. I told him how I feel and he said he liked me but still wanted to keep it casual- so I ended things, because I knew in the end it would hurt more to be with him sexually when I felt stronger about him than that.

 

If I were you I would end things because I know myself and I know that I would never want to settle for less than I deserve...

 

Have you thought about how you will feel if and when he begins casually sleeping with others too, or if he begins dating and falling for someone else?

 

Those are very real possibilities that he can do at any time he pleases under your present agreement- and any guy who does not think you are worth committing to ( and that is exactly what he is telling you by not committing to you), is not worth your time.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wish I had a dollar for every woman who says they just want some fun and sex, no strings attached....but lo and behold they get hooked on the guy. It is a very common mistake. The longer you have sex with him, the more your feelings will grow and the more hurt and frustrated you will become. As time goes on every time he leaves after sex, you will feel very empty and alone. If you find out that he is seeing someone else, it will devastate you. Better to get out now and find a more meaningful relationship.

[afonselaca]

Put yourself in his shoes.

He finds a woman who only wants sex.

He's glad to skip the messy relationship part.

You tell him you have feelings for him.

 

He has three options.

Dump you

Lie to you

Accept your admission, and risk entering a relationship he didn't want.

 

The way I see it, he has one more option:

He can also act like it doesn't affect him at all (knowing about how you really feel) and continue on with the casual arrangement.

[ilovecats]

Okay,I am so confused right now.I don't know if I should break things off with him or just detach my feelings for him and keep the just sex thing going.He is sending me so many mixed signals.Some people are saying that he may actually want something more with me,but just doesn't want to rush into things.Because when I brought all this up a few days ago,he said,"People have something good going and then they want to try and rush things."I told him that I wasn't trying to rush anything.I just wanted to know where we stood.If this was going anywhere.I don't know what he wants.I'm so confused.Do you think that he may want something but just wants to take things slow?I don't know.Why did he call me to wish me a Merry Christmas?It was weird.He didn't say anything about what happened and neither did I.Should I?What should I say?Or should I just forget about having feelings for him and just have the fwb relationship?Sorry about all the stupid questions.I'm just so confused right now.:sad:

[Hope75]

Earlier you said this:

 

So I tried to talk to him earlier about it and he completely avoided the whole thing.Saying that he didn't feel like talking about it.What the hell!!I'm sorry,but I am so hurt right now.I just wanted to know he felt about me.He said,"In the beginning,you said you didn't want a relationship."I did say that,but people's feelings change.So anyway,I guess there's my answer right there.It's obvious that he just wants sex.

 

To me, that seems pretty clear to both of us that all he wants is sex. And in that case, yes, I would end things with him. You are already going nuts with your feelings trying to look for any little sign that he might want more, when he has told you as plain as day that all he wants is sex and is not interested in talking about a relationship.

 

If I were you I would end things with him now- because you are already getting hurt by this.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

People have something good going and then they want to try and rush things."

 

Translation: We have great sex so why complicate things.

 

This is doing your head in. He just wants sex, plain and simple. If you want a relationship, leave him and find someone who is looking for the same thing, and hopefully learn from this experience.

[kellbell]

"I don't know if I should break things off with him or just detach my feelings for him and keep the just sex thing going."

 

I do not see how this solution would work. You have already mentioned you have feelings from him and that you would like more. In your situation, the sex lead to feelings and emotions, thus leading you to fall for him. How would continuing having sexual relations with this guy "detach" any feeling you have for him at this time? IMO, continuing a sexual relationship with him will continue to hurt you.

"but just doesn't want to rush into things."

 

This IMO, translates to "I don't want a relationship with you, I just want the sex." I mean, you have been together 5 months, that is not rushing. He is enjoying the physical aspect of this while he has to do nothing. It is like a kid walking into a candy store and the store clerk telling the kid he can have anything he/she wants, no strings attached.

 

"Do you think that he may want something but just wants to take things slow?"

 

My friend, you HAVE NOT been taking anything slow, you have been in sexual relationship! That is NOT taking things slow, taking things slow would be getting to know one another and WAITING until you are both ready to have sex. It is not the other way around.

"Why did he call me to wish me a Merry Christmas?"

 

Perhaps because it was Christmas? And if he is not a complete heartless jerk, why would not he call? I should mention I do not think this guy is a jerk, I believe you and him started with good intensions and one of you is getting hurt. That is a huge risk one takes getting involved in a friends with benefits relationship. You are LETTING this happen. If you do not want to feel used anymore, then stop. You know where he stands, he told you. It is up to you to put an end to this.

 

"What should I say?"

 

You should say something like, "XX, I care much about you, more than I anticipated to feel and having this arrangement is really hurting me. It is apparent you are not interested in a relationship with me so because of that, I must not see you anymore." And that's that. Try not to let him smhooze you into one last time or what have you. Stick to your guns. He will respect so much more if you do, right now he does not.

 

One thing I want you to think long and hard about is what happens if and when he starts having sexual relations with someone else, if has not already? He is entitled to you know. How is that going to affect you and how will you handle it? What if he finds a young lady he connects with and wants to be in a relationship with and cuts you off? What then? I really recommend you get out while the getting is good. I see no good coming out this situation at all.

 

I remember earlier this spring you having this same issue, this quandry with friends with benefits. Do you have self-esteem issues? Do you not think you are good enough to be in a healthy and thriving relationship? I would work on those aspects about yourself before you really get hurt.

 

Take care okay?

 

(((hugs)))