Unfair Expectations Please Help!

[Paper Tiger]

How's this for messed up. My girlfriend broke up with me, I didn't want to and I'm still deeply in love with her. She still wants to be "friends". I've always been her emotional rock as she has had an extremely bad childhood (abusive mother, raped at the age of six by somebody she trusted). Now she has broken my heart but still expects me to stick around and be her shoulder to cry on. She says she feels very safe when she is around me because she knows I would never let anyone hurt her, but she is going through so much right now she can't be in a relationship. I know that I need NC so I can heal, as seeing her and talking to her so often tears me apart inside, but I am afraid of what she would do without me supporting her emotionally. She has attempted suicide and I know I have pulled her from the brink several times. I have no idea what I should do, please any help is appreciated.

[_Jaffa_]

Think about yourself. You can't be her rock if it's affecting you emotionally being around her. She's being manipulative in expecting you to stick around on her terms and be there for her when she doesn't actually want to be with you. It's emotional blackmail. There are plenty of places besides you that she can get help if she wants it.

[planaorplanb]

so whats the problem? be her friend for now and give her support and when she feels better you and her can do more. sounds pretty sweet and delicious to me. hey, she's told u that u make her feel safe - that's a great thing - so prove her right and be her friend and support her thru this tough time - she'll love for for doing that. that's what i would do - wink

[Paper Tiger]

Leaving her alone would be cruel to her but sticking around would be cruel to myself. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[EddieRentz]

I dont think it is fair to you for you to continue to be her rock.

 

She is not your responsibility anymore - as hard as that is to swallow. I have been trying to work through this myself with my ex who is headed into a destructive phase. I got my feelings off my chest about it and let it go. Havent asked or said a word about it in 3 weeks, despite the fact that she contacts me 5 times a week.

 

You have to do YOU now - she is not your problem anymore.

 

If helping her is causing you pain, you have essentially become a martyr - no one needs that.

 

If she really needs you she'll come back - or she'll find her own way

[Paper Tiger]

I'm afraid her own way will lead to her suicide. If that happened I would never forgive myself.

[EddieRentz]

She has no friends or family that you can give a heads up to?

 

Really, she is not your responsibility and unfortunately you cannot save the world.

 

Why drive youself insane to save her...?

 

It is hard to swallow and is against your nature (against mine too - I worry so much about my ex delving into promiscuity, too much drinking, going back to drugs, getting pregnant - not out of jealousy, but because I know her and the way she was engaged in self spite before she and I got together) --> cant let those thoughts control your actions. She made a choice... and those choices unfortunately have consequences. If she does something to hurt herself, you need to accept that it is not because of anything you did/didnt do. This is her path.

 

Worry about you and making you healthy now. THat is your path.

[planaorplanb]

wel excuse me for living but she is my responsiblity whether she agrees with that or not - and what that means is whatever she needs she is getting from me. i'm sorry that some people think that is nuts but that is me and its something i do because i WANT to and because i can and it kewl. some people will laugh and say man what happened to him and they just don't realize that that kinda stuff i just don't hear. so, when she tells me she needs me as a friend - thats what i am, when she tells me she needs some support - thats what i do. when she tells me to kiss her butt - i tell her she has to kiss mine first, because that will end that game - wink

 

love ya boobnooooos

[EddieRentz]

Plan - if you are not in pain as a result of it than being a friend is fine. My point is that if the friend thing causes pain to you then you shouldnt do it.

[Hope75]

I'm afraid her own way will lead to her suicide. If that happened I would never forgive myself.

 

You cannot be responsible for what another person does to themselves. As hard as it is- we cannot be another person's savior, and putting her before yourself will just burn you out and not help anyone.

 

If she is not already, I would refer her to a counselor, let her family or close friends know what's going on, and get some counseling for yourself.

 

I went through something quite similar with an ex of me. He told me that if I left him he would commit suicide. That kept me there for 5 years, while he was abusive to me as well. At the end I realized that as an independent adult he was responsible for himself, and I had to be responsible for myself, because I was sinking with him.

 

 

When I did leave him, he did attempt suicide. Our neighbor found him in our bathroom on the floor and called 911. He went to the ER and he did survive. I wanted to, but I did not go to see him- I couldn't make myself responsible for him anymore.

 

It was very hard to learn, but he is responsible for himself, just as your ex is for herself. It is not wise and not healthy to continue to allow her to keep you as an emotional prisoner.

 

We have to care for ourselves first or there is nothing left for anyone else.

[Paper Tiger]

I have taken several personality tests including some with a psychiatrist and they all point to me as being a person of self sacrifice almost to the point of martyrdom. My shrink told me that while it was a noble trait it would lead to unhappiness if I didn't look out for myself instead of others once in a while, but I can't stop myself. The whole "look out for number 1" mentality disgusts me to the core. No matter what happens, I will help her until I'm sure she is stable enough so that she would not hurt herself. Any other course of action just seems inexcusably selfish.

[Hope75]

Self preservation and taking care of yourself is not selfish. We are all responsible to treat ourselves with care and respect too. If not- there is nothing left for anyone else.

 

Your thread title: "Unfair expectations", sort of points to what I'm getting at.

 

I am not saying that you cannot be supportive of your ex- but you cannot be her lifeline, and you cannot be everything to her. It is impossible. If she truly wants to die, you would not be able to stop her- and putting yourself in a position where you feel responsible for her life is dangerous and futile.

 

Just watch out for yourself- that is all I am saying.

[DN]

I agree with Hope - it is not required of us as human beings that we sacrifice our well-being for someone else in that way.

[EddieRentz]

I agree with Hope and DN

 

Selfish would be stringing someone along until you are mentally ready to drop them without your own pain.

 

Dropping someone who has dropped you is not selfish, especially if they cause you pain...

 

You can do what you want - but you have to weigh the pain of being involved in her life vs the guilt of notbeing there for her.

 

No use helping her get well while you go down the tubes

[insofar]

Paper Tiger, I have been where you are. While I was fairly sure my ex wouldn't commit suicide or anything to that degree, she claimed that there were a lot of mental issues involved and that was why we shouldn't be together, but wanted to remain friends, which I tried to do for about a month. If you continue the way you're going, you will reach a breaking point eventually and realize that you can't keep talking to her as it's too painful. You can save yourself a lot of pain by stopping now. Breaking off all contact is very painful in itself, but the alternative of talking to her every once in a while, but not being able to have the relationship you want to have, is much worse, trust me. And I don't think you'll be able to heal while talking to her as you'll want something that she doesn't, which can only lead to pain for you and reassurance for her, something that will leave you hollow and empty in the end.

 

Now, she claims that she wants to remain friends while she works through her mental issues. I am not you, so I cannot judge whether or not she is being genuine or just wants to keep you around for comfort. I can tell you that in my case, nothing ever came of it. It's completely up to you what you do, and I imagine you'll probably try to be her friend for a while, and we can help you through that, but you are not being selfish by moving on. If she doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't have the right to a friendship, in my opinion.

 

Good luck to you, and keep us up to date.