Will history repeat itself?

[_Jaffa_]

Hi. I'm new here. Been reading some posts for a few months and finally plucked up the courage to join. So, basically my father is an {mod edit}. He's a violent drunk and sometimes he says that I'll end up just like him.

 

Do you think that's true? I mean, am I gentically predisposed to turn into a vile, disgusting, violent {mod edit}? Or can I escape it? People say that abused people turn into abusers. I dunno if that's true......I hope not. This is pretty much all I think about. It rules my life. I hardly go out in case I hurt someone. I don't have relationships with people in case I hurt them. I don't have many friends in case I hurt them. I've never hurt anyone before, physically I mean and I try really hard to not hurt people emotionally either but sometimes you don't even realise you're doing that right? So, yeah, am I going to turn into my father?

[Neverland]

"People say that abused people turn into abusers. I dunno if that's true......I hope not"

 

I was abused, physically and emotionally

 

but ive not turned out an abuser, more the other way round, i care more about people, im scared of hurting anyone just like you...i know its hard im only just getting over what someone did to me a year and a half ago.

 

You just have to look past everything that is happening, your better than this, and if you know that you dont want to turn out like this, then you wont.

 

You should try and get out there, even if its only going to classes which deal with things like this? Im only 17 years old, and ive only just got my first job, im terrified of makin a mistake, and scared of what will happen when i do, becuase of what my abuser did to me when i did things wrong, but it just makes me a stronger person and everytime i do things right i praise myself

 

Try doing things like this! im serious it DOES help.

[_Jaffa_]

Yeah, I don't think I would manage going to classes for this....It took me long enough to write it out here. I don't really talk about me and my thoughts very much. That's why I've joined here....to sort of force myself to open up, then maybe eventually I can do it in real life.

 

We're the same age......still have a long life ahead of us. Who's to say I won't turn out like him eventually? Is there some genetic thing that means I will be like him? We share the same DNA unfortunately so does that mean I'm going to share his penchance for smashing someone's head into a wall one day? And if there is a genetic link what can I do to stop it besides topping myself?

[hey jo]

hey mate. just because your dad's a violent drunk doesn't mean you'll be one in the future. however, at the end of the day, it all depends on you...on how you choose to live.

 

you know how your dad's behaviour/lifestyle has affected your life. think about that. think about how it has affected the way you interact with other people and the way you create relationships. i suppose you don't want to end up like your dad, and that you don't want your future children to experience what you have been through. let that be your motivation. when your dad told you that you'll end up just like him, let that be a challenge to you.

 

yeah, sometimes we do hurt people unknowingly. but do not let that stop you from meeting new people. do not be afraid to make mistakes. that'll make us grow and be stronger eventually.

[_Jaffa_]

Yeah, thanks. I just need to stop worrying so much. It's hard sometimes though.

[hey jo]

let me just add, we do inherit genes from our parents, however, the genes do not by themselves dictate specific behaviours. our self-effort and free will, support from others play a role in behaviour development.

 

not my own words. its in my notes.

[_Jaffa_]

So, it's probably in my genes?

 

I thought so. See this is why I can't have relationships then. Because one day it will rear it's ugly head and then I'll feel so guilty that I'll fecking kill myself. I'm not clever enough or good enough to stop it happening so my best bet is to carry on like I am and avoid relationships altogether.

[_Jaffa_]

A fallible human being is putting it mildly but yeah ok.

[_Jaffa_]

You deleted it? What did you say?

[_Jaffa_]

Hey, that's ok. You didn't make light of it. I probably over react to it anyway. Yeah, I do hate him and sometimes I don't, which is weird because those times it's like I'm looking for his approval, which is really really dumb because.....well, it just is. Anyway, thanks for replying. Didn't think I would get any.

 

So yeah, thanks to the others for replying to. It's pretty nice to see that someone, even a stranger, will take the time to answer a pathetic, nutty post from some weird guy.

[_Jaffa_]

For some reason all the negative stuff is easier to believe. Isn't it funny how that happens?

 

But yeah, it's just figuring out how to be positive isn't it. Something I guess I need to work on instead of worrying about what I'm doing wrong all the time.

 

Thanks

[_Jaffa_]

Yeah, sorry to post again....but how can you go about being more positive? About life, yourself, relationships, ect ect. Right now I can't think of a single positive thing to focus on.

[_Jaffa_]

Looking like something doesn't mean you are

 

I see what you're trying to say though.

 

It's harder than I thought. Although if it were easy I'd have already sorted myself out by now...guess it sorts the pathetic from the great or something. Thanks for posting.

[yeawutever]

Only if you let yourself act like your father, then history will repat itself. As a human being, you have choices in life. You can choose to be a productive person who doesn't abusing, knows what it's like being abuse or a loser. Just b/c your father was an abuser, it's still no abuse to abuse others, even at 17, you're still responsible for your own actions. Try not to focus too much about it, you have other things in life, how about finishing school, focus on that.

[Beec]

My grandfather was never one to be kind to his family, mostly indifferent. When my father was about 20 and living at his father's house, the locks were changed and he was kicked out without so much as a word of warning. When I was a child, he really had no clue as to how to treat a grandchild. My grandfather was indifferent to his family.

 

My father is nothing like his father. If for some reason I asked to move back in today, I'd be welcome. He dotes on his granddaughter, she sees him and yells excitedly "Granddad." Instead of being indifferent to his family, my father takes care of them even when there are differences. He lived through differences that kept him and his sister apart. But one day many years ago, he heard on local news that his nephew, my cousin, had just died in a traumatic incident. He was among the first people at his sister's house and provided as much support as one could to her family.

 

My father was not predisposed to be the man his father was, and neither are you.

[Beec]

Yeah, sorry to post again....but how can you go about being more positive? About life, yourself, relationships, ect ect. Right now I can't think of a single positive thing to focus on.

 

How? Love, do what's right by people, think about what is the right thing to do, be real, be truthful, be honest, let people know you care, and CARE. That's about all there is to it, but that's also a whole lot.

[_Jaffa_]

even at 17, you're still responsible for your own actions.

 

I know....I guess that's kind of why I avoid relationships, meaningful ones anyway.

 

I too am very self-critical and in search of ways to think more positively.

What seems to work for *me* is to surround myself w/ positive thinkers; a lot of my friends are easy going, optimistic, etc etc. When I am around them, I find myself emulating their easy going attitude.

 

Yeah, I'm a bit better when I'm with my friends...I tend to fade away into the background mostly but a couple of them sort of force me to get my act together sometimes, which is a good thing I guess. I hate it sometimes though.

 

I've read somewhere that it sometimes helps to repeat to yourself each day (while looking in the mirror) all the positive things that others have said about you -- I guess in your case it would be: I am a nice, kind, attractive, easily approachable guy.

 

The problem with that is that what's the point of saying something that you don't believe because your brain knows you're lying deep down and laughs at you for being such an idiot.

 

It's better than ending up a negative, pessimistic, misanthropic, reclusive, and bitter person, wouldn't you say?

 

Oh, I don't know......don't those kind of people get films made about them?

 

 

How? Love, do what's right by people, think about what is the right thing to do, be real, be truthful, be honest, let people know you care, and CARE. That's about all there is to it, but that's also a whole lot.

 

I try.

 

Thanks for your posts everyone.

[Survivng Victum]

NO, you are not set to turn out that way. What you do have to do is seek help for what the abuse has done to you and know that not all people that are abused will abuse. I do think though that abused people hurt themselves a lot though. I say this because I was taught I had issues all my life by my abusive dad. It was more verbal then anything, but verbal can tear us up inside.

Know you are better then that. Your not alone. Find a local support group and learn how to be the best you that you can be.

I have let all the abuse since I grew up happen to me, a lot because I thought it was my destiny, but not enough that I didn't get out of abusive relationships sooner then I should.

My most recent bad relationship is just starting to come to an end. There is a lot I have to do to get out of this mess I should have run from 2 years ago. Your better then that, you have to know it and be determined to not turn out that way. You show here you are able to, or it would not worry you so much.

NOT ALL ABUSED TURN INTO ABUSERS !

Hugz aand God Bless

[dierberg]

Jaffa, at your age you have the power to become and overcome anything you choose. I walked in your shoes somewhat. You can learn as much about life from the good as the bad. Take the lessons from what you have been exposed to and prove him wrong. Believe in yourself - that's where real power comes from.

[_Jaffa_]

I know I don't want to be like him but I don't know how to stop it from happening if it's a genetic thing.

 

Support groups aren't gonna help because I know I just won't talk. I'm barely touching the surface on here and this is on the internet with faceless strangers.

 

Thanks for your replies.

[Beec]

Jaffa,

 

It's simply not genetic. Abuse can affect your personailty. Abuse can lead you to have lower self-esteem and feel insecure, and most abusers are not secure. Genes can make you more susceptible to addictions. But these things cannot take away your free will. It's simply not preordained. You can be whatever you want to be.

[_Jaffa_]

I just want to be normal.

[Beec]

I just want to be normal.

 

I don't know how to tell you to be "normal", and I am not sure I want to be normal or have ever really wanted to be it.

 

But, what kind of person do you want to be? Figure it out and be that person, as much as you can. None of us our perfect, but what and who you are is all up to you.

[_Jaffa_]

Ahhh, whats the point. What I want doesn't matter anyway. Feck it all. This was a bad idea. Thanks.

 

I'm out of here.

[Beec]

Ahhh, whats the point. What I want doesn't matter anyway. Feck it all. This was a bad idea. Thanks.

 

I'm out of here.

 

Sorry to hear that.

 

Who you want to be matters a whole lot.