He broke the Christmas gift he gave to me!!!!

[need2bme]

Please leave. Who treats someone that way? Please do not convince yourself you should stay. My God, no one deserves that kind of treatment and someone who loves you, would not give it...

[Siriana]

Hi. Are you aware of the fact that this guy is acting like a 4 year old kid? He has emotional intelligence on this level and he is behaving like an awfully spoiled kid who isn't brought up the right way.

 

You know that.

Now let's stop talking about him.

I red you have a history of dating abusive men. So this is not a story how he is a bad guy, this is more a story how you are always repeating the same pattern. Now have you considered some counseling? Just to make sure you're not programmed to keep staying in such relationships.

Honestly, i really think you can't sort this problem out alone.

[bitbit]

if i were you, i'd still get the presents, wrap them and all that, but hide them from him. and on x-mas.... act like it's just another day. when he asks where his presents are, tell him you canceled the orders just like he asked and you didn't want to spend sp much money on something he didn't want or "care" to have. that'll get him going of course, once he appologizes, and gets you another candle just like the one he broke, he can have his presents.

[bitbit]

as far as the whole changing thing, everyone says that people don't change, a leopard doesn't change its spots and all that... but i've come to the conclusion that it's a person to person thing. my current boyfriend used to be totally inconsiderate, forgetful, thoughtless, and everything else. as we went along, he changed every behavior that hurt me and now, he's amazing. he's like a machine. however, my ex was an abusive, controlling, psycho who always promised to change and to this day (we dated for 3 years and broke up 2 years ago) is still exactly the way i left him. if your guy is willing to try to change, it's worth giving him a shot. if it's all empty promises and you don't see any changes, leave.

[ImThatGirl]

You just posted recently about how much you loved that candle.

 

You knew it would end up broken? Everything that is yours and glass gets broken? He hits walls? Wow, kitty.

 

This is definitely unhealthy.

 

I don't think he's losing control during these moments. I think you both know how to get at each other (him breaking your things, you having your rampages.) This is the way you both treat each other and you both need counseling. This relationship is completely UNACCEPTABLE. You are both adults.... Violence is NEVER okay. And Screaming and Yelling is never necessary.

 

WHY ARE YOU STAYING WITH HIM?

[Hope75]

He might be able to replace the candle that he broke, but he can't undo the damage that was done to your relationship by his out of control temper.

 

And, next time if he decides to break your arm... that's not so easily replaceable either.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

He's an utter, dead loss. No love here, no future..please leave

[pregnantkitty_1985]

You just posted recently about how much you loved that candle.

 

You knew it would end up broken? Everything that is yours and glass gets broken? He hits walls? Wow, kitty.

 

This is definitely unhealthy.

 

I don't think he's losing control during these moments. I think you both know how to get at each other (him breaking your things, you having your rampages.) This is the way you both treat each other and you both need counseling. This relationship is completely UNACCEPTABLE. You are both adults.... Violence is NEVER okay. And Screaming and Yelling is never necessary.

 

WHY ARE YOU STAYING WITH HIM?

 

 

Thanks everyone for the replies, I've just finished reading through and taking into consideration all posts. At the present moment I don't have enough time to reply to all, but I do have to make one thing clear.

 

I'mThatGirl, I didn't say I had rampages, I said I had a rampage that particular night, just to clarify. He is the one who has the rampages, everytime we argue. That one night, when he broke my christmas gift, I admit I snapped (he had pushed me too far) and went on my own brief rampage. It's the first time in my recollection that I had my own rampage. But you're right, even that was wrong, and it was unacceptable.

 

But I just had to make it clear for the record that I don't have psychotic rampages and stuff, heh. I may have my issues and probably do need counseling as you suggested, but I don't have rampages.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I forgot to say that I will be coming back online shortly (tonight or tomorrow) to reply to the posts. A lot of people raised a very good point that I too should seek counseling.

[Hope75]

I forgot to say that I will be coming back online shortly (tonight or tomorrow) to reply to the posts. A lot of people raised a very good point that I too should seek counseling.

 

I think the bigger point that people raised was how unhealthy this relationship is and that you should leave him.

[Aurian]

Why are you in this relationship? Why do you want to be in a relationship where you have to tell yourself that you can protect yourself? You shouldn't have to even think about protecting yourself from your friends much less your S.O.

 

Even if you can protect yourself, what's to stop him from hurling something at your head? You being stronger won't help you there.

 

I was in an abusive relationship. He broke things too, and it was always "my fault" because I made him mad. I learned that I couldn't MAKE him do anything - it was HIS choice to be mad and his choice to destroy lamps, tables, alarm clocks and the artwork I put my heart and soul into. He also thought he was fine the way he was and when I dragged him to counselling, he was resistant there and refused to change. He said I was the problem. My real problem was that I believed him.

 

So your guy doesn't seem to respect you. He destroys the things you love, be it physical (the candle) or inmmaterial (the pleasure of giving him a gift). He doesn't think he has a problem, so he will not change. You CAN fix some problems in a relationship, but things of this magnatude (abusive and destructive) cannot be fixed - ESPECIALLY if he has no interest in doing so!

 

Please consider - he won't change. Why would he? You're shrugging off not one incident but many incidents. Why bother to change? Its obviously "okay" with you - you're still with him. Do you really want to have the scenario fve years down the road a previous poster wrote out?

[nbr21081]

Hi Kitty,

Your email sounds so detached. I am worried that you are so used to stuffing your own emotions away, that you don't realize, its ok to be upset by this. This is a TERRIBLE scenario! YOu had every right to get angry about the whole situation!! I don't really see that you did anything wrong at all. . . .question, why did he give you your present so early?

 

AS someone else mentioned, he is trying to make his love conditional, so that he can control your relationship.

 

You are right. I don't think you need to marry a man that treats your things in that way. First he breaks his things. Now he breaks your things....what is next in this progression? Not to mention, he already seems quite adept at breaking your emotions and exhibiting control and manipulation. I would take a serious look at this, and the most useful part would be to examine why you think you need to accept this type of behavior from a partner. It is unacceptable.

[queenofvalidation]

EK...

 

Admittedly, when I was about your age, I threw a coffee cup accross the room out of rage. It was not intended to hurt anyone but it did. My aim was off and that cup went flying smack dab into the face of my ex and broke/chipped one of his front teeth. Before the cup incident, he looked very much like Robert Redford in his younger years. Well to this day He still has a broken front tooth-my fault. I felt so bad and sorry the moment it happened. He has a good heart and forgave me immediately, much like you forgive your fiance over and over.

 

My question to you is, If your fiance is flailing potentially hurtful objects around are you willing to risk that one might come your way even if it wasn't intended to harm you? It seems that it's only a matter of time before that out of control glass thing makes it's way to your person. At what point do you put an end to this kind of madness?

 

Time to break it off or switch to unbreakables?

[Steelergal]

Hello Engaged Kitty-

 

I just registered for this site and I was about to introduce myself and share my own story but....then I saw this thread and I felt so strongly about it that I had to respond immediately! I am on my way out so this will be brief but the bottom line is:

 

Please leave this man now and don't look back!!!

 

I am telling you based on my own personal experience. I met my husband when I was 20 and I had experiences with him similar to what you are having. However I ignored all of the red flags because I was so head over heels in love with him and we had such fun times together. These fun times helped me to ignore his EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR!!!

 

We dated, got married, and had a wonderful life together (I always thought). I just kept ignoring those red flags even they popped up more frequently as the adult pressures and responsibilities in our lives increased. However, I kept pushing those things down, clinging to the good times, and making excuses for him. He had me convinced that the problem was me because I was too sensitive, emotional, hard to deal with, etc.

 

Now I am 31 and going through a very painful separation and divorce with him. My eyes are now being opened to all of the emotional and mental abuse he put me through. This past summer his behavior escalated to a level that finally pushed me to my limits and I stood up for myself by telling him I wouldn't tolerate his treatment of me anymore and he had to change. I thought we were working on things but his response to my assertiveness was actually to go behind my back and have an affair for months. He lied and manipulated me so badly during the affair that it is embarrassing. More on that another time. When I did find out, he moved out and continued to manipulate me and abuse me to the point where I could not function. The threat of physical abuse became apparent. My mom had to come down and "rescue me" as my parents were afraid he was going to kill me or I would kill myself. He put me in a position (long story) where I had no choice but to leave the city I loved, my beautiful home, my career, and all of the wonderful friends I had there to save myself.

 

I am now living out of state at my parents house and trying to figure out what the hell happened. Six months ago we were on our 5 year anniversary trip in Mexico and I thought we had everything. I was so used to his treatment of me that I didn't see how bad it was and how it destroyed me until I was completely removed from him and the situation. And he is still trying to control me.

 

The point is that I feel like I have wasted the last 11 years of my life. He has taken away my self-esteem, my positive attitude, my security, and now I realize he is also the reason I was having problems with anxiety all of the sudden over the past few years. It will take me a long time to undo the damage he has done to me. I wish somebody had talked with me like this about him when I was your age and just starting out with him. It would have been so much better if things ended then rather than now after all of the memories I have to deal with and after all of the damage he has caused.

 

Sooooo please seriously think of getting out of this. Read on-line about emotional and mental abuse. I can send you some links that helped me if you'd like. If you would like to talk about anything, please let me know. You need to realize that YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS!

 

OK..enough rambling for now. Please think over what I've told you so far!

 

Take care!

[Anglyz719]

I was married to a guy like that once....and if hes like that now before you get married things are bound to get worse after you marry him! I suggest not tying that knot until he gets help and you see a "Good Change" in him. A Divorce will be alot more expensive then him getting some "Anger Controll" help!!!

[Mermaid]

I've got to go with everyone else here -- you're in a dangerous situation. At best, you've got an immature, inconsiderate and reckless boyfriend who devalues you; at worst, this guy's over-the-top behavior will become abusive toward you, your pets and any future children.

 

You say you could handle him, but why would you want to? Why should you spend your life with a partner who has to be dealt with in that way? Are you happy having your things destroyed? Are you happy living under the constant threat of one of his unprovoked temper tantrums? This guy's a bully, and a scary one.

 

Kid yourself all you want; this guy is big, big trouble. I just hope you get out before you learn the hard way.

[miracle29]

I wish that I would have listened to the advice I am about to give you now. It would have saved me so much heartache and pain. ...

 

If you care anything about your future, anything about your happiness....and if you plan on having a family one day..please take heed.

 

Don'T MARRY A MAN LIKE THIS. He sounds selfish, imature in dealing with emotions. If you make the mistake of staying with this one, instead of waiting for the RIGHT one..you will cry many of nights. Your future children should you have them, will suffer because they will watch you suffer. He will be a dead beat husband, mediocre Father, and an even worse role model should you have a daughter.

 

I know you wont listen, because no one could pay me to, I remember everything they told me..now....that its too late!

[birdgirl]

His behavior is likely to get worse if you marry him. I'd like to recommend that you read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. Someone on this forum recommended it to me, and it may have saved my life. I was able to rationalize my ex's behavior away till I read that book.