The fiance can't/won't get rid of the ex

[Mr. Brightside]

OK folks, I'm finally going to throw my problem out here for everyone to help me with because I am really at a loss. I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but I also need to give you the necessary background info to base your opinions on as well.

 

(JUST BEFORE I MET MY FIANCE) The story went that her ex had broken up with her because he felt obligated to the other girl he was seeing at the same time (because she was taking care of him by buying him things for college, etc). So basically, my fiance's ex cheated on his first girl with my fiance, then cheated on my fiance to get back with the original girl. They are now married and have a child together.

 

I met my fiance in college and we started dating around the end of 2002. She had been broken up with her ex for at least 5 or 6 months and had told me that she thought she would never get anyone after breaking up with him. I am a pretty level headed guy and this girl made me fall hard. I am a sucker for women who enjoy and play sports with me. To this day we have so much fun traveling, sight seeing, playing sports, and just being around one another. Except for this one issue...

 

So come mid-May 2004 is the first signs that I was picking up on that the ex was still in contact with her. I knew him from our college as well because we had some math classes together. But phone calls here and there began to shake my confidence a little. I had always prided myself on giving my girlfriends room, so as to not be suffocating or overcontrolling etc. No biological father figure present. I hate that controlling crap, but I had never experienced this before. Add to the fact that my fiance is a fairly devout religious person, moreso than I am (and I would never dream of cheating on someone).

 

One night during 2004 when her friend was visiting from out of state, she decided to leave her friend with my buddy and I so she could go to a class party on campus (I had already graduated a year before). Of course her ex was going to be at the party and she would leave the room when talking to him on the phone. My friend was pissed because he obviously saw the signs and leaving her friend with us was pretty lame of her. I was in total denial (still am a bit obviously). The phone calls continued quite a bit. They even hung out alot for lunch etc. on campus since she still worked on campus.

 

As the year progressed, she became much more irritable with me, but in my denial state I wrote it off to her controlling mother (which is no longer an issue since she moved out). But then in 2005 she takes a trip out of state to see a girlfriend and this is where things start getting bad. She gets a phone call while out of state and he professes his need for moving further with "his" feelings (I don't know her true answers to this yet). She tells me he called, and I ask some questions because I am suspicious, but she responds that its just a friendship and nothing can happen because he is married anyway.

 

She becomes more irritable after the trip and I even hear her tell me she felt "used" under her breath after sex one night. I got angry because I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong to make her feel this way. I would try to talk with her, but her irritability would just push the matter aside.

 

One Saturday she calls me crying because she said she had gone to a movie with her ex (told me it was her aunt the night before) and said he tried to kiss her but she refused, which made me feel better in my denial state. A week later I told her that she needs to stop contact with him. She pretty much ignored me and when she got a new service provider, I asked her if she was going to give him her new e-mail and she said yes. My denial was so far behind I was just realizing the whole situation with the campus party at this point.

 

After some long talks, she eventually told me that she had feelings for him still. She only said they had a couple of kisses at this point. I was devastated. I tried to figure out from her why she would want an adulterer who had already cheated on her, as well as his current wife. I couldn't get a straight answer.

 

We were working at the same job at this point, so it was a difficult situation. I wanted to get things to work, so began reading her e-mail to see how far the situation really was. I was perturbed to find her reciprocating his love. There was even a saved IM conversation that had some explicit content involved. Ouch. There was even an e-mail describing one evening in her apartment, half clothed (she still maintains only he was) and "close."

 

I confronted her again, confessing my knowledge of her password and e-mails. She then confesses to the content in the e-mails, nothing more and downplaying what had happened. I was beginning to feel the physical stress... I lost 20 pounds in a month while this crap was going on. I began working out vigorously to shed the anxiety as well.

 

She said that she still loved me and she didn't want me to go and we talked endlessly about how to get rid of him. She tried e-mailing her goodbyes to him with my help, but she always responded to his reply with another response, almost like "I didn't mean it," "still thinking of you" etc. So I decided to get her some flowers and chocolate (works, right? ). Well only temporarily. I found out about the e-mails after the one we wrote together and I physically couldn't take it anymore. I also saw in some of her writings that she had even had feelings for a couple of my friends a while back! I brought all her crap to her and said we need a break.

 

The next two days were filled with her e-mails and calls, proclaiming her love for me and only with disgust at what she had done when thinking of her ex. So we got together one night and I made her spill it all. They had had intercourse 3 months earlier to this date! Surprisingly, it didn't burn as bad as when I had read the "I love yous."

 

So I gave her a second chance (well, maybe this is #50, depending I suppose). What can I say? I had never really been in real love before I guess and I wanted to see if I could fix things with her. But knowing that their contact had been for almost our whole relationship made our relationship feel like a sham.

 

Later 2005 my fiance finds out that her ex got his wife pregnant long before this and I am enthused that this might be the chance we have to get rid of this guy. So things got better and her and I decided to go to grad school on the other side of the country. No ex there and some healing to do.

 

2006: So now I am in an area so far removed from family and good friends while in school and the contact has begun again. Nothing lovey dovey, but e-mails asking how things are going... the next few mention memories and how things were fun back in college... and he wants to give her a Christmas gift/memento and how she is curious to see it. She did show some restraint in the e-mail, saying that she "doesn't want to hurt others" by meeting up with him "at this time." Since we are now back at home visiting family, she suggests sending it to her parent's where I won't find out (rather than where we both are living at school).

 

I have made the decision NOT to marry this girl when I get home, for obvious reasons. But I don't know whether to take a more extended break or just force myself to cut things off when we get home. It's tough because we have a year left out of state to graduate before coming back and I can't really afford to live alone out there.

 

I've become numb and find myself hoping to find more incriminating things to justify my fears... but then the poison hits my stomach when I put the fiance I love so much together with the one I am investigating. I feel like I have worked so hard to make this work and why does she keep talking to this moron..? Any insight you guys can provide is appreciated...

[tictactoe2006]

ARE YOU SERIOUS? You need to get yourself away form this mess AT ONCE! Get your ring back, change your email and number, and never contact her again. she is doing what well over 50% of women do: clinging to an ex. Forget it. She will NEVER let him go, he will ALWAYS be in the picture, and she will ALWAYS choose him over you.

 

What happens one day if you marry this girl and start a family? I will tell you will bust your rear providing a stable home, and one day she will take your kids and run out the soor screaming HOOTCHIEBANGBANG!!!!! and running back to the ex. Leaving you with huge child support and debts.

 

Leave her, leave her NOW.

[arwen]

I've become numb and find myself hoping to find more incriminating things to justify my fears... but then the poison hits my stomach when I put the fiance I love so much together with the one I am investigating. I feel like I have worked so hard to make this work and why does she keep talking to this moron..?

 

Hey mr. Brightside,

 

This is a tough situation. I think deep down, you know the answer to this. Your head knows it but your heart doesn't want to hear, I think. This girl seems to have a truth to her that you can't live with, in fact I think no one would ever consider marrying in this situation, if they know it beforehand.

 

But that's the thing, it seems so very easy to regard this from the outside and say 'Dude, get out'. But it is what my reply will boil down to I guess. I just want to emphasize that I know that when you are IN this situation, it's very difficult to make this decision. A lot of people, including myself, have been in relationships while knowing they were setting themselves up for hurt.

 

I think your love for her is pure but also blind for the truth. She is obviously not 'over' the ex. In fact, what applies to her, also applies to you. It's a weird triangle (well, square in fact) of betrayal, she seems not to get rid of a cheating ex, she cheats on you with him. She is still holding on to the memory of what she had with him, and you are still holding on to the version of her that you thought she was. Time to open your eyes for the truth. It is written all above, you know what happened (at least you know the bits she confessed to and what you read in her emails).

 

You say you don't want to marry her now. But what happens NOW will still be the same in 2 years time. How do you picture your life in 2 years? Still involved in this weird circle of betrayal, although things may be covered up on the surface? Or moved on from this?

 

Ilse

[Beec]

This woman is a serial cheater on you. Continuing as things are is probably hell on your self esteem. So, end it. There are normally plenty of options for roommates around a campus, find one. Get out.

 

When and how is this woman ever going to be honest and trustworthy? If you stay with her, she will be feel used, because you will be using her for rent.

[BornToResist]

Aw man, that really really sucks.

 

I know from personal experience that it doesn't get better.

 

Not to say that she won't change...she might. But this pain she's caused you is never going to go away. Even if she stops contact with him, you'll always worry about who is going to show up next and destroy things, or how could she just throw everything that is so important to you away like it's nothing.

 

I feel for you and know how hard it is to just end things. But hopefully you'll feel you're worth more and cut the strings before she causes you any more scars.

[scared44]

Let me just say, I am very sorry for this. I know exactly how you feel, and it sucks...big time.

 

Take it from someone in your situation, the ex won't ever be out of the picture. Just when you think they are, you find another e-mail, voice message or text message...and you are back to square one again. You give them chance after chance to get "it" together, and you think they have...but they don't-they just like to make you think they are. You find yourself making excuses for their behavior, and questioning yourself. Please don't be me...you sound like you are young and have so much ahead of you...You have given 100%, she abused that. Just let it go, and I promise you, you will find someone that will not abuse that trust and what you have to offer.

 

Yes, it is much easier said than done...

[texami]

When you asked her why she would prefer an adulterer over you, and she couldn't give you a straight answer... I think that said a lot. She doesn't hold him to any kind of standard, and she obviously doesn't have that internal standard either since she cheated, too.

 

I'm sorry about what you are facing... I also think the "get outta there dude" thing is obvious, but way too simplistic. None of us would be here if it was that easy!!!

 

Read your post... over and over... and look at the facts as you tried to explain them. The future does seem to be poisoned because even if you forgive, can you forget? She lied for a really long time, beyond the cheating thing. At least take a big break to let your emotions settle down so you can look at it rationally and in a long-term framework. best of luck.

[colors]

I have made the decision NOT to marry this girl when I get home, for obvious reasons. But I don't know whether to take a more extended break or just force myself to cut things off when we get home. It's tough because we have a year left out of state to graduate before coming back and I can't really afford to live alone out there.

 

I've become numb and find myself hoping to find more incriminating things to justify my fears... but then the poison hits my stomach when I put the fiance I love so much together with the one I am investigating. I feel like I have worked so hard to make this work and why does she keep talking to this moron..? Any insight you guys can provide is appreciated...

 

Oh darling, I am so sorry... You are totally wise NOT to marry her. (:

Don't bother taking a more extended break....just cut off contact! No good will come of a 'break' only more pain & delayed healing.

She is a liar, a cheat, she takes you & your love for granteed, and she is incredibly selfish. She doesn't care for you the way you do her. She doesn't even care about the young child as she breaks up his home & sleeps with the dad. That is truly low. And shows how selfish she is only concernd with herself.

 

She doesn't love you or treat you the way you need her to & the way she should. You deserve far more.

This ex, will remain in her life & she will continue to act on her feelings. She isn't ready to let him go.

Can you dump her now & get a replacment roommate? a year is LONG time to continue this...you need to start healing now. The damage may be worse in another year!

Get her out now & Try to find a new roommate...that is the best thing you can do for yourself. You've invested so much of yourself in this relationship. It's time to focus on YOU.

Stand up for yourself & get her out. You can't fix this. The trust is broken. You deserve loyality, honesty, faithfullness, to be put first, consideration...True love.

[Mr. Brightside]

Thanks for the responses so far everyone. I know what I have to do and it really sucks. I've had many relationships before her, most long term although I am only 26. I will search for a roommate as soon as I get home from the holidays.

 

So when I do tell her I'm outta there, do I just tell her I can't trust her anymore or actually tell her the reasons (i.e. more e-mails etc). I hit that wall where I think she deserves to know why, but then my friends tell me she can figure that out on her own.

 

I realize how blind love can be now. It's so simple when seeing other people's situations and yet when I see mine, I always have seen a "fix it" sign above it.

[colors]

Thanks for the responses so far everyone. I know what I have to do and it really sucks. I've had many relationships before her, most long term although I am only 26. I will search for a roommate as soon as I get home from the holidays.

 

So when I do tell her I'm outta there, do I just tell her I can't trust her anymore or actually tell her the reasons (i.e. more e-mails etc). I hit that wall where I think she deserves to know why, but then my friends tell me she can figure that out on her own.

 

I realize how blind love can be now. It's so simple when seeing other people's situations and yet when I see mine, I always have seen a "fix it" sign above it.

 

Good plan. I wish you luck (:

When do you tell her your out? well I think anytime. If you want wait 1 week till after christmas..or give her, her notice now to start looking for a new place.

 

Yeah just tell her you can't trust her & won't ever be able to. If she wants more than that...tell her whatever you feel lead to. But don't do it because she 'deserve to know why'. Because I'm sure if she simply used her head. She could figure out her actions have lead to this.

 

We all want to 'fix it' when it's our relationships (you're not alone I think it's good, even healthy. BUT we have to realize when the 'fixing' becomes unhealthy & causes damage.

[Beec]

Move out, and if she really wants to know, she can ask.

 

No long conversation by the way. A few words, and stop it.

 

Don;t let her beg or do anything that might change you mind. You will be vulnerable as you begin life without her.

[colors]

Move out, and if she really wants to know, she can ask.

 

No long conversation by the way. A few words, and stop it.

 

Don;t let her beg or do anything that might change you mind. You will be vulnerable as you begin life without her.

 

True, the shorter the conversation the better.

Don't let her beg, apologize Nothing that might change your mind.

[Iceman26]

Move out, and if she really wants to know, she can ask.

 

No long conversation by the way. A few words, and stop it.

 

Don;t let her beg or do anything that might change you mind. You will be vulnerable as you begin life without her.

 

I agree with Beec and Colors on how to end this.

 

This break up is long overdue, and there really is nothing for her to explain.

 

She is a liar, a cheat, and she doesn't respect you. Were I in your shoes I'd say have a nice life and be on my merry way, thankful I didn't have that worry in my life anymore.

[Mr. Brightside]

It's so refreshing to hear other people's opinions on the suspicions that I have because it makes them concrete in a way that I cannot do myself. I obviously know what I have to do, but any further insights are helpful because it gives me confidence to do what I must.

[scared44]

When you do it, let her know why-then she won't be calling you a hundred times after wanting to know what she did. You can just move on...definitely no long conversations so she has time to apologize...

[Beec]

I think one fo the things you need to look at is what you think someone's responsibilities and duties are ina relationship. I've seen plenty lousy relationships in which one person makes the other one feel very insecure, be it always being ready to leave, threatening to cheat, cheating or whatever. These are never good relationships, never healthy.

 

I also don't think that one should always feel totally secure in a relationship, you should have an idea that if you screw up it could end.

 

I do really think it is par of one's job to make a significant other feel pretty much secure in loving who they are, for the most part. She does not do that. And she seems to think that no matter what she does, she can still have you. So, she is falling down on her job to make you feel secure. She thinks she can do as she wishes, and how you feel, well so what. This is a clear demonstration that she is not willing to fulfill this job and shows you a lack of respect. Find someone who respects you.

[kittysaysmeow]

I agree with the others. Even if she's not cheating on you physically right now, she's cheating with you emotionally...and maybe that's worst. Since this has been going on for years (!) I suggest moving on with your life. I know, it's hard to do and there are things to worry about (finances, etc) but you can do it. Is there a housing registry at your college? You can post to find a roommate or find a place to share with someone.

 

I would take a year of financial insecurity over a lifetime of constant heartache.

 

*Oh, and I think you should probably sit her down and explain to her why you're breaking up. It might feel better to get things off your chest!

[Mr. Brightside]

Thanks again all for all your help. I'm so glad I found this site, otherwise I would probably continue to figure out what I needed to fix to make things better even longer. I'm gonna wait to figure things out until after we get back to school. God knows I have enough stress already.

 

The other reason I am glad for this site is because you guys tell everyone if there is even a shadow of a doubt whether things can even work. I now know that I do not have a fixable situation. It makes the stress fall away just knowing that already. I was a fool, uh huh... as Ricky Nelson would say.

 

The only thing why I was worried about telling her things I know is the whole going into her e-mail issue. I broke down, couldn't take it anymore and had to know. I just don't want it to turn into any huge horrible legal issue that I overstepped my boundaries (even though after the initial cheating she gave me her password and username to check on her stuff, but changes it each time she decides we are comfortable enough to begin chatting with him again).

[Rabican]

Dude I hate to break it to you, but I have two things to say.

 

1. You need to stop being a door mat. Right now. Man up, summon your pride, courage etc. and tell her to hit the road. Forget she existed.

 

2. Your relationship is, and has been a sham for a long time now... dont blame yourself for this, but you, and her just were not living the same relationship.

 

For the life of me, I cannot even fathom a reason why you should continue to even try with this girl. You are not married, count your blessings that this all came to light before you were. And you are right, this is change #50... I see no reason why #51 would be any different.

[DN]

Don't let her turn this on you. The method you found out is irrelevant now. It is her actions that are the issue.

[Rabican]

 

The only thing why I was worried about telling her things I know is the whole going into her e-mail issue. I broke down, couldn't take it anymore and had to know. I just don't want it to turn into any huge horrible legal issue that I overstepped my boundaries (even though after the initial cheating she gave me her password and username to check on her stuff, but changes it each time she decides we are comfortable enough to begin chatting with him again).

 

Dont sweat it man, if you do tell her about this simply say this.

 

It does not matter how I found out what I found out. It only matters that you were doing enough wrong, for there to BE something for me to find out. thereforeeee, all of the blame lies with you.

 

Dont blame yourself, not at all. You knew something was amiss, you simply took it upon yourself to make sure which is commendable. Better than putting your head in the sand.

[Mr. Brightside]

Not that its much of my business, but should I warn the wife of the ex (since a baby is also involved) that this crap is coming (again!) after I break it off with my fiance?

 

She isn't quite as computer savvy as I am and the ex is much better than she at hiding his exploits...

[Sweet_e_pea]

Don't be shamed into thinking you did wrong by invading into her privacy!

 

I had to hack into my wife's e-mail, dig through tons of messages, even troll through Google desktop and still she lied to my face. And when I got the truth (albeit through lies and deception on my part -- I told her I confronted the guy, which I hadn't), she had the nerve to say I shouldn't have been snooping!!

 

While she quickly dumped that attitude, I can't believe anyone who's truly contrite and apologetic about what they did would care how you found out, they'd simply care about how they could make amends and rebuild the relationship.

 

To be honest, I feel absolutely horrible about the means I used to find out the truth about my wife's infidelity. But, without snooping and some clever lying, I would never have known. That's the only solace for my guilty conscience.

 

My experiences aren't likely to offer any insight, though. In my case, my wife's transgressions were very anonymous -- I don't think the guy she slept with even knows her full name. Oddly, that makes it easier for us to move forward. And she's killed any contact, too.

 

As for contacting the other potential cheating victim (his wife)... well, that's a toughie. Since this transpired, I've always said that I would have welcomed anyone warning me that this had been going on. But, as I look back, there were people who said they had suspicions, and I disregarded them.

 

I'm so sorry for your situation. It's likely going to be a tough road ahead.

[radioheader]

here is my 2 cents worth....i wish someone would've told me about my husband's cheating earlier as well...it is always hard to hear but for me the sooner the better so you can get to work on things (either mending or packing..healing in both situations!)...

 

and i think you do become an enabler of an addictive personality (wheather it be alcohol,cheating,etc,) if unhealthy patterns start up and you just slap the person on the wrist and then always take them back expecting it to change...if a pattern starts to develop, there is little chance of change without professional therapy/help...

 

that is just my experience...good luck!

[scared44]

When you do talk to her, make sure that you are strong...I confronted mine lastnight about text messages on his phone. Trust me, she will turn it around to be you-in the end, the fight won't be about her e-mailing, it will be about you snooping. So be strong, stick to what the others have said...that how you found out doesn't matter any more, it's the fact that it's still going on. I would be walking around town thinking life is grand if I hadn't have been snooping. I'm not proud of the snooping, trust me, but I never ever would have found out otherwise...good luck, and stay strong!