Broke NC, Having LC, now what?

[cecerose]

I'm not quite sure what to do next. My boyfriend broke up with me in October and I implemented NC, off and on. Mostly brief email contact. About a week ago, I sent him email saying I was feeling better about the break up and that I was ready to have some limited contact.

 

Maybe I'm deluding myself. I'm 90 percent over the guy. Why so quick? I'm 40 years old, I've been married, am divorced, have no kids, had my fair share of relationships and am by temperament have always been independent and more of a loner.

 

At this point in my life, I'm not interested in marriage or a live-in relationship. I have a good job, am a home owner, and have a good support network of friends and family. For the most part, I'm happy and at peace with myself. Ideally, if it ever happens, I'd love to have a long time companion, but I'm not holding my breath.

 

Honestly I don't want to be 50 or 60 years old lamenting the demise of my latest romantic relationship on enotalone. I feel slightly ridiculous. Well, you're probably thinking, "40 is too young to give up." I'll probably give up completely when I'm 50. But I'm not optimistic about my chances. I think I have one or two more "relationships" in me and that's about it.

 

Well, back to my ex. I want to be friends with him, but I've never done this before. I'm pretty clear that I don't want to get back with him. Since he ended the relationship, any talk of getting back together would have to come from him, anyway. Would I take him back? At this point, no.

 

Maybe my age has something to do with it. As I said earlier, I'm 40. My ex is 50. As you get older (at least for me) it's hard to give up relationships with people you have a real connection to. And I feel a genuine connection with him. He's a good guy. I'd trust him with my life. That's hard to walk away from.

 

I'm not really quite sure why I'm looking for. But any comments are welcome.

[Biffy]

Hiya,

 

I really don't know what to say to you as I don't really know what is is you want from this guy - you sure you don't want to get back with him?

 

I'm not so sure you're ready to be in contact with him.

 

Read these magnificent threads by Majord, they may help you.

 

 

 

 

[cecerose]

Hiya,

 

I really don't know what to say to you as I don't really know what is is you want from this guy - you sure you don't want to get back with him?

 

I'm not so sure you're ready to be in contact with him.

 

Read these magnificent threads by Majord, they may help you.

 

 

 

]

 

 

Yeah, I'm pretty sure. But I know I'm going to have to handle this very carefully.

 

I appreciate the links -- they gave me food for thought.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Judging from the tone of your post, I am not convinced that you are over this guy. I know a lot of people, who out of frustration, say similar things about not wanting to be married, giving up on relationships, getting too old, very content in life etc, but it is said as a defense mechanism so that they won't be disappointed....yet deep down, they want all the things they say they don't want. I don't know how long you went out with this guy. If it was for a long period of time, two months is really not a long period of time to get over a breakup unless your feelings for him were not really that strong and more on a friendship level. I had a friend who claimed to be over someone within a few weeks of the breakup but it was obvious she wasn't. She ended up initiating contact with him so that they could get back together.

 

Does he want to be friends with you as well? Do you think that if you see him as friends it might stir up warm fuzzy emotions which will be difficult for you? Plenty of people are friends with their exes...but it only works if neither party harbours any lingering romantic feelings. Also, be careful that this doesn't turn into a friends with benefits situation because more often than not, those situations end up stirring up feelings in one of the parties involved.

[cecerose]

Judging from the tone of your post, I am not convinced that you are over this guy.

 

Does he want to be friends with you as well? Do you think that if you see him as friends it might stir up warm fuzzy emotions which will be difficult for you? Plenty of people are friends with their exes...but it only works if neither party harbours any lingering romantic feelings. Also, be careful that this doesn't turn into a friends with benefits situation because more often than not, those situations end up stirring up feelings in one of the parties involved.

 

No, I'm not completely over this guy. We were together for almost 3 years. I do want him in my life, but I don't want him back in my bed or at my place every weekend.

 

Yes, he does want to be friends with me. He called me a couple of days ago after I sent him email saying I was willing to have limited contact to wish me "A Happy Holidays." We ended up talking for an hour. We didn't talk about the relationship.

 

But I can guarantee you, there won't be any friends with benefits. I've never had that kind of arrangement with anyone in the past and I'm not about to begin now. The only person sharing my bed now is my cat.

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

How do you think a friendship at this point will affect you, having admitted that you are not 100% over him?

 

Do you think in the long run it will hurt more than it will help? How would you feel if he began seeing someone else and, as a friend, told you about it? Would you be OK with that?

 

Just some more food for thought...

[Beec]

I see nothing wrong with being friends with him, especailyl if you are over the relationship, and it is not a danger of you going back into it. But I would be careful about letting him in and do so very slowly to see how you feel about it. We often don't know how we are going to feel and react, until we do it.

 

Also, a big roadblock to you and him getting back together, should it ever happen, is going to be trust. How do you know this will never happen again? If you ever have the desire for a relationship with him again, ask yourself that. You never know for sure, but you should have some assurances.

 

And to quote Jim Valvano: "Don't give up. Don't ever give up." If in the end you find love, true love at 65, your only regret about it will be that that person and relationship did not come sooner.

 

 

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[dierberg]

I think a lot like you - but from a guy's perspective. I am 41, getting divorced, completely capable of finding someone. Strangely, I think who I am looking for is me. I think it is completely acceptable that you do not feel the need to be with someone currently. I think that goes to the comfort and confidence you feel about yourself.

[cecerose]

Hi There,

 

How do you think a friendship at this point will affect you, having admitted that you are not 100% over him?

 

Do you think in the long run it will hurt more than it will help? How would you feel if he began seeing someone else and, as a friend, told you about it? Would you be OK with that?

 

Just some more food for thought...

 

I think it would be good -- if we take it **very** slowly. That will be key. I know the temptation would be to start spending time with him as if nothing had happened and then falling into some kind of painful situation. Anyway, he's basically following my lead in terms of contact at this point.

 

Yeah, I'd actually be OK if he told me he was seeing someone. He's a great guy, but definitely has some relationships issues. Those issues are what ended our relationship and basically had nothing to do with me, per se. I really believe he's great friend material, but not really ltr material. There's a part of him that's always been emotionally cut off.

 

In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm probably the second longest LTR he's been in. He seems to be a serial monogamist, going from one relationship to another with periods of being single in between.

 

Maybe I'm completely nuts. I probably am.

[Hope75]

I don't think you are nuts, I just wanted to make sure you had thought of possible negative repercussions of having a friendship with a guy you still have some residual feelings for.

 

There are some people who can pull off a friendship with an ex very well (case in point: Bruce Willis & Demi Moore), and there are others who cannot manage it so well. Just wanted to see that you protect yourself too.

[cecerose]

I see nothing wrong with being friends with him, especailyl if you are over the relationship, and it is not a danger of you going back into it. But I would be careful about letting him in and do so very slowly to see how you feel about it. We often don't know how we are going to feel and react, until we do it.

 

And to quote Jim Valvano: "Don't give up. Don't ever give up." If in the end you find love, true love at 65, your only regret about it will be that that person and relationship did not come sooner.

 

 

link removed

 

I think everyone's advice, including yours, about taking it slowly is key. The fact is I'm 90% over the guy and although I miss him, I'm not willing to give up my time, energy and emotions to have another go at a relationship with him. I'd like to have him in my life to occasionally hang out with, talk about politics,movies and stuff we enjoy and go have Indian food with once in awhile. I can't go back to him basically being my weekend husband. (He shacked up with me on the weekend.) Honestly, I don't know if this is something he will be OK with. We'll just have to wait and see. If he wants to be friends with me, it will have to be on my terms.

 

That's a great quote. I have had true love in my life, actually several. I've been very fortunate.

 

Not bad for a girl who almost became a nun at 18.

[cecerose]

I think a lot like you - but from a guy's perspective.

 

Strangely, I think who I am looking for is me. I think it is completely acceptable that you do not feel the need to be with someone currently. I think that goes to the comfort and confidence you feel about yourself.

 

As someone who's found and reinvented herself more times than she count, I'm with you on just being comfortable and confident.

 

I didn't start dating until my early 20's. I've dated, been in three long term relationships, including a relationship/marriage that lasted 7 years. I've spent most of my 20's and 30's obsessing or fretting about my relationship status or the relationship I was in.

 

Honestly, I'm tired and more than a bit cranky. As a woman I found myself spending and investing a significant amount of time, resources and emotional energy into taking care of my partner and the relationship.

 

Once I got over the initial shock of being alone on the weekends (about 6 weeks or so) I found myself flowing back into my old rhythms of life before -- before I was in a relationship and enjoying it immensely.

[cecerose]

I don't think you are nuts, I just wanted to make sure you had thought of possible negative repercussions of having a friendship with a guy you still have some residual feelings for.

 

There are some people who can pull off a friendship with an ex very well (case in point: Bruce Willis & Demi Moore), and there are others who cannot manage it so well. Just wanted to see that you protect yourself too.

 

Thanks, I appreciate the concern... and I'm aware of the repercussions.

 

Well, a friend just reminded I'm not nuts. Just all too human.

[Beec]

I have had true love in my life, actually several. I've been very fortunate.

 

Not bad for a girl who almost became a nun at 18.

 

Not bad, but don't think it could never happen again. The irony of the situation may be that the moment you say never again, Mr.Wonderful shows up on your doorstep.

[cecerose]

Not bad, but don't think it could never happen again. The irony of the situation may be that the moment you say never again, Mr.Wonderful shows up on your doorstep.

 

Well, I've also had that happen also...

 

But it doesn't happen, I'm not greedy, you know? Some people never experience true love...

[Hope75]

Well, I've also had that happen also...

 

But it doesn't happen, I'm not greedy, you know? Some people never experience true love...

 

Maybe not with another person, but how about with a pet, or a close friend, or a family member?

 

I don't mean romantic love, but a deep love where you cared more about the welfare of that other than you would have believed possible?

 

Don't throw in the towel so easily. It's out there.