Bah Humbug!

[Tintinout]

I'm having a really tough time managing my feelings over this Holiday Time. My partner walked out of my life 9 weeks ago tomorrow (not that I'm counting!) Yesterday would have been our 5 year anniversary. I posted a few weeks ago about a random text I had received from a 'mutual friend' saying that I was invited along with my 'new girlfriend' to stay whenever! I do not have a new partner, that's furthest from my mind! I didn't rise to this text and sent no reply.

 

I 'asked' for NC as I knew from previous experience that I would need to heal. I thought I was improving but yesterday I was awash with emotion (literally). I couldn't stop the tears from falling. There was no recognition of this event from my ex. Indeed there has been nothing from her in the whole 9 weeks. I think she moved on to 'pastures greener', although I have no evidence to confirm this. I don't want to know really.

 

It's her birthday on Friday. I wasn't going to acknowledge this as I do not feel I've healed enough to cope with no response or a negative response. I cannot yet give up my 'hope' but know that with every hour that passes it fades. She kept saying to me " If you love someone let them go, if it's meant to be they will return". She said she wanted to be on her own to 'find herself' and that she hadn't been alone for over 20 years - she went from marriage to divorce to two failed relationships and then to me. There was never 'overlap' just not much time in between for her to think and be herself.

 

I miss her so much. I want to share my life with her. I hope and pray this overwhelming sadness will fade with time. I 'hope'....

 

Should I acknowledge her birthday? Should I attempt to let her know somehow I am not with anyone else? Aside from maintaining NC is there any other way to progress through these stages of 'loss' with anymore maintenance of dignity? Just as my friends were beginning to relax and think that i was 'on the road to recovery' I'm back to being a blubbering wreck again.

 

Tin

[ironpumper]

Hey Tin, My 'ex's" birthday is Thursday. I'm really struggling on what to do too. I keep thinking "would SHE acknowledge MY birthday?" and realistically, I have to say no. I was thinking about sending a card or something, but again, I ask myself, would she send ME a card? The more I keep up NC, the clearer I see, Thanks to SuperDave and Blender.

[Beec]

Tin,

 

As far as your recent ex, it's your call. I am all for the NC, esp. keeping them from seeing and speaking to me. However, when in your shoes, I have been the guy to send a vague card or two without expecting a response. If it's a birthday card, what response do they send, except one on your b-day.

 

As far as the rest of the holiday spirit, the best way I have ever known to put me into it is to give. Personally, I like to go to the NY Post Office and pick out and respond to a letter to Santa. The first one I ever sleected was froma girl who was 7 and had a 2 year old sister. From reading it, it seemed clear to me the girl had gone without anything on Christmas. She specifically said she knew not to ask for much and just wanted "some toys". I sent some, but to this day all I can do is hope she got some and that they made her and her sister happy. However, doing it made me happy. I really was a grouch that year until I was buying stuff to send to this girl. And then once I started, I could not help but be happy. So, every since, I have answered a letter. I still need to do it this year. Last year, a group of soldiers in Iraq got a package. And that also made me feel good. So perhaps you should find someone who needs or could use something you can get, have or do, give. Even if it just your time.

 

And the road to recovery may not be short. Your friends will understand if you excuse yourself from time to time.

[maladjusted]

hey tin i feel your pain brother. i am in the same situation in that we started a relationship while my ex was in the process of divorce now a year into the realtionship she decides she needs her space so she can be alone. glad i was good enough to be with while you were having your divorce issues (just a little bitter). anyway, we will all be fine as it just takes time to heal. continue NC and hang in there!

[tribecagirl]

Hey Tin, My 'ex's" birthday is Thursday. I'm really struggling on what to do too. I keep thinking "would SHE acknowledge MY birthday?" and realistically, I have to say no. I was thinking about sending a card or something, but again, I ask myself, would she send ME a card? The more I keep up NC, the clearer I see, Thanks to SuperDave and Blender.

 

 

Keep doing NC, dude. My ex's birthday was yesterday. I DID NOT text, email, call or send anything. He had a small get together with some mutual friends Friday and I was "invited", but I DID NOT go. I spent Friday night with a man that matters most to me, my dad! It was his birthday. So I can say I'm pretty proud of myself.

 

It took all I had not to show up at his little shindig Friday and I'm glad I stood my ground. I hung out with friends yesterday riding around looking at all the Christmas lights in the city and at one moment I had a VERY STRONG urge to send him a text wishing him happy birthday and then I started to think about all the crappy things he did and that killed the urge. So stick with NC. You'll feel better for it.

 

Peace!

[ironpumper]

Thanks..it's just tough, especially if you're a "giving" person. I may borrow Beec's idea and take the money I would've spent on her and get something for Toys for Tots or something. Probably make me feel better anyway...

[tribecagirl]

Great idea, Iron & Beec. I did the angel tree project at my church and that made me feel great. It felt great to help someone less fortunate than myself.

I'm starting to see that if you channel your energies into helping others, it can make you feel better about yourself and help keep your mind off the ex. Too bad ex's don't realize it when they have such giving people in their lives.

Oh well...

[Tintinout]

Thanks all for your advice. I have been entering into the 'festive mood' - am not a complete Scrooge!

I don't actually live in the US so the 'letter from Santa' isn't translatable. I do however work in a hospital and will be assisting with the Carol Service tomorrow.

It might sound only like 'small potatoes' - but every little bit counts!

 

We all just have to keep remembering:

 

That which doesn't break us makes us stronger.

 

All that you seek you already have within you.

 

Thanks again all.

[whenamansloveisreal]

do not send a burpday card. my burpday was on sunday, and that was the make or break it day for me - if figured if there was no response on that day - i mean its yer BIRTHDAY! then PACK IT IN - ITS OVER. i really hoped because then christmas, then her birthday - winter time - the prefect time to reconnect and start a new life - totally romantic after the epic struggle - ZERO response from her. Everything changed for me that day. I had worked hard on every single part of the big picture - and after 8 months not one call, card, and then the burpday - well, that closed the door - not that it matters at this point right? exactly. move on troops, nothing to see here - lol.