Jealous Boyfriend

[Anna.]

He has growm more and more possessive and jealous as time has gone by. I'm VERY independent. Nobody's gonna tell me what I can and can't do. And I am trusting enough to offer him the same courtesy.

 

But he feels we should have these rules and I almost feel like he's manipulated me into promising him things I didn't want to promise him.

 

Case in point:

I have this guy friend that I have been extremely close to since I was 16. Granted, he has a drug problem and has very poor decision making skills, but he has a good heart and I used to make pretty bad decisions myself, too. Anyway, we were Friends With Benefits for a while (it actually kinda worked), but neither of us wanted to be with the other one romantically. We were just best friends and we were wild so that's just kinda how it worked out.

 

We've always had a very unusual relationship. Like, if I ever had any other romantic interests, then my buddy was just my buddy and there was no weird tension or anything like that. I truly love this friend and almost feel like we are family. I care about what happens to him and always will.

 

But my boyfriend sees him as this huge threat to our relationship and thinks I shouldn't even speak to him on the phone or anything at all. I quit hanging out with my buddy, like, 8 months ago, but we always talk on the phone (like maybe once a week or once every two weeks), b/c like I said I care what happens to him and what's going on in his life.

 

Somehow my bf got me to promise I wouldn't talk to him on the phone anymore and my bf really will not budge on this issue at all. But I can't do that. And I've talked to my buddy a couple of times since then (I told my bf about the first time, the second time I kinda lied by omission, and I just talked to him tonight so I have no clue what to tell the bf about this). It's my buddy calling me not the other way around and he knows about my bf and doesn't understand why he's being so jealous either.

 

What should I do? I am scared that my bf will be irrational if I tell him the truth--that I truly care about this friend of mine and am not really willing to cut him out of my life (he's in rehab right now trying to get his life together now, anyway).

I am scared he'll cause a whole lot of drama (which I hate) and might even try to break up (even though i don't think he'd be able to do it, but I don't really want to chance it either).

 

Advice?

[terk2021]

Have you ever had your boyfriend meet this guy? It's sometimes a natural instinct for a man to be jealous of a GF having a really close male friend. If he is somehow included, that may help minimize the jealousy...

[veneratio]

As terk said, it's only natural for your boyfriend to feel that way, but the fact that you were friends with benefits kind of fuels the jealousy in my opinion.

[renaissancewoman101]

Your bf has not right to tell you who you can and cannot be friends with. He is the jealous and irrational one here. He also seems insecure. You never cheated on him and you just talk on the phone with your buddy. You have given up hanging out with him so your bf doesnt have a leg to stand on in demanding that you give up EVEN talking to him.

 

I do think he is being irrational and jealous and you havent given any reason in your current relationship with your bf that you have any feelings for this guy except as friends.

 

If my bf ever told me that I couldnt have any guy friends at all, I would not be happy and our relationship would not be good.

 

As you can tell, I have a bit of cynical view on relationships right now, esp around the holidays.

[New_Horizons]

I understand your boyfriend's thoughts on this one. The reason I say so is this: "if I ever had any other romantic interests, then my buddy was just my buddy"

 

Well I don't believe in that at all. I don't believe human emotions can be switched on and off at will depending on the situation. It's fine that you care about him but you and your b/f know that this isn't a truly platonic, sisterly kind of caring. I think you should lay it on the line with your b/f and let him know what's going on. Either he'll accept it, or blow up and in both cases it's all for the best for both you and your b/f. Subterfuge always worsens the problem.

[Anna.]

Thanks guys

 

NH- I just meant sexually, not romantically. Like, my feelings or emotions never changed; if I had something going on with somebody else, then I didn't even think about my buddy sexually at all.

 

I know this might sound weird, but I do kinda feel like he's family to me. Like, whatever he does, I'm always gonna love him and wanna keep in touch with him. He's been a big part of my life for a long time. And I am perfectly content with my boyfriend and have no desire or non-platonic feelings for my friend. It just drives my bf crazy b/c he was the last guy I had been with before my bf and I got together.

 

I understand why he's jealous, but all I want is to reach a peaceful way to deal with this situation. I think it's fair that I don't see him, but that I still keep in touch with him. But the bf doesn't see it that way.

[Iceman26]

While I understand your feelings, your boyfriend has his reasons for not liking this friendship.

 

I can't blame him for not wanting you to hang out with a guy that you have slept with, but at the same time, didn't he know of your friendship with this guy while you two were dating?

 

If he did, then I would tell him that if he had a problem with this, he should have mentioned something at the time, rather than waiting until you two were in a relationship to change the rules so to speak.

[renaissancewoman101]

Anna, I understand your point of view, esp if he has been a part of your life for a long time. In a way, he has become like a "brother" instead of an old ex-bf. The current bf should understand, else he is being selfish and possessive. It isnt as though you are trying to hook up with him.

 

People here tell other people to not let their SO determine who they should stay friends with, or to NOT drop their friends to be with their SO, so, in your case, you SHOULD NOT have to drop your friend.

 

Your bf is being an insensitive lout.

[New_Horizons]

Wow, a little harsh to call him an insensitive lout don't you think? After all this is a 'brother' with past 'benefits', (which I guess would be 'incest' but that's another matter). I'm just wondering, Anna - if for any reason your b/f and you broke up, would you return to having sex with this so-called buddy of yours while waiting for the next relationship? If yes, then your boyfriend's unease is justified since it's not over and done with. I don't agree with your boyfriend forcing you to do anything but only because it's futile to force a girl to do anything But there are some trust issues that have to be worked out.

[Anna.]

Yeah, NH, you make a good point that I had not thought of.

If my bf and I broke up, there is a good chance I would be intimate with my friend again.

 

Hmm. But only out of boredom. You know? Not because I have deep romantic feelings.

 

I know this guy and I have a very peculiar relationship. B/c it is brotherly love (I wish there was a better term for that, it sounds creepy w/ the sex issue added to it), but then there is the sex thing. But our relationship has never been romantic in any way.

[Juliana]

Okay, hi there! I also have relationships like the one you describe. And I'm going to say something nobody here is going to like:

 

Break up with your boyfriend.

 

You have never cheated on him with this person. You are not tempted to. You obviously value the relationship.

 

In return, your boyfriend has, instead of trusting you more, become increasingly jealous. Obviously, your behaviour is not the determining factor with his jealousy. So, if your behaviour doesn't help him overcome his jealousy, what will?

 

My feeling is that once you give way on the no-speaking issue (incidentally, no one seems to care whether or not the friend gets hurt by all this), there will be some other thing he'll have issues about. Ad infinitum....

 

You don't want to break up with him, so I would suggest confronting him, in a nice way, and saying, no, it's time for a little reality check...I'm not cheating on you, and you're just going to have to accept that.

 

Everything else, his paranoia, his imagination, his fear, is his problem.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with Juliana, break up with your bf, he is the irrational one here.

[Anna.]

Ok, let's say that we agree that he is the one being irrational here.

 

I've been with this man in a happy relationship for over a year. I truly do love him, and the jealousy thing is the biggest problem we have. I don't think it's a big enough issue to end the relationship over. I'm committed to working things out with him.

 

Then what are my options for dealing with this?

[Rabican]

After having nothing but problems between my girl, and her previous fwb... we have come to the agreement, that anyone whom we have had 'relations' with, are off limits.

 

You both have valid points, and if you are both unbending on these points, then your relationship is doomed to either fail, or repeat the same cycle of arguments over and over for eternity.

 

Personally, I realize that my girlfriend has the right to have any friends she wants, and do anything she wants. She also has to realize that if we are together, I have every right to decide what I deem is OK for my partner to do in that relationship. If she wants to go get drunk and come home every night at 4 am and have some ex bed buddy drop her off... Im sorry im leaving.

 

So, while you might see your friend as just a friend, your past history is going to give most guys reason to think, worry, or completely freak depending on the guy. Thats just the way it is. What you need to do is come up with some way to compromise. If you are not willing to lose the friend completely, then you should compromise and say that you will not hang out with him alone. If your man isnt there, then you will have to keep that friendship to a phone or email only contact. I think that would be fair. You keep your friend, he doesnt have to worry about what the other guy might be up to.

 

Keep in mind that if they have never met your boyfriend only knows what he knows.

1. That you slept together

2. you have strong feelings for him (at some level)

3. The guy has a drug history

[Rabican]

Yeah, NH, you make a good point that I had not thought of.

If my bf and I broke up, there is a good chance I would be intimate with my friend again.

 

Hmm. But only out of boredom. You know? Not because I have deep romantic feelings.

 

I know this guy and I have a very peculiar relationship. B/c it is brotherly love (I wish there was a better term for that, it sounds creepy w/ the sex issue added to it), but then there is the sex thing. But our relationship has never been romantic in any way.

 

I think I can sum it up for you. You are simply friends with the guy... and also have sex with im. Its not that complicated. You dont have 'romantic' feelings for him, but hes a hot stud so why pass up on that right?

 

Anyways, I think the best thing you can do to fix the situation is to get your man, and the ex to meet up and get to know each other. If they are going to have to 'share' your time so to speak, then they should probably get a feel for one another. IF the friendship truly is plutonic at this point, maybe your man will come around. If not, you can agree to disagree or break up. I really think that this is one of those things thatll just keep causing troubles if you cant solve it.

[Juliana]

Don't worry about what other people would do, or have done. Your relationship is not theirs. You have to talk to your boyfriend to find a comfort level that you both can live with.

 

Your partner's jealousy is not something that you can control with your behaviour; if you're not cheating on someone, and they're jealous, that's a controlling behaviour. It's not healthy, imo, because it puts the responsibility for one person's feelings onto the other person. If you accept that, they begin to feel justified in blaming you for their suspicions.

 

Your responsibility in this regard is simply not to cheat; put the shoe on the other foot. If you were jealous of women your boyfriend knew, would that be reason for him to stop seeing them, if they were no longer sexual relationships? Perhaps you can hammer out some kind of agreement you both are happy with when you recognize where your own boundaries are.

[Anna.]

Rabican, you're right about my friend's and my relationship. It is that simple.

 

But we have a very deep friendship. The thing is, is that I can't get them together b/c of actual circumstances. It's impossible.

 

And my bf and I did compromise on phone calls but not hanging out and it worked, but then he started pushing and now he doesn't think I should even talk to him at all. He gets mad b/c I talk to him on the phone once every week or two.

 

I wanna make my boyfriend understand that our original compromise was more than fair to him (b/c I would really like to see my friend to be honest).

 

And there is a new issue that's added into it. My boyfriend doesn't live here. My friend has been in rehab and is coming home for a few days this week for Christmas before he has to go back for atleast 5 months.

 

I kinda told him (when he asked) that he could pop up at my place with another buddy of ours to see me for a little bit. I know that was wrong of me to tell him he could. But it's gotten to the point that I feel like my bf is being absolutely ridiculous (only about this one topic, though) and I almost just want to ignore him about this. Now if my friend actually does come by what the heck will I tell my boyfriend?

[renaissancewoman101]

If your bf won't find out, I wouldn't tell him anything. He's the irrational one here. What he doesnt know can't hurt him and you aren't planning on cheating on him.

[Anna.]

Well, that's exactly what I wanted to hear Ren! b/c it is completely innocent and my bf is being irrational.

 

My conscious just won't let me completely believe it though. B/c I never wanted to lie in my relationship, but I don't want this little issue be what breaks us up.

 

He is usually pretty cool about most stuff. This guy (that my bf only knows by reputation) just gets under his skin SO bad, I guess b/c we have always been so close.

[renaissancewoman101]

I would be upset if my SO was upset with me for having a guy as a close friend, esp one that I dont see that much of or hang out with that much. I think he is going a bit too far in asking you not to even SPEAK with him. That, is a bit over the top.

[Rabican]

If your bf won't find out, I wouldn't tell him anything. He's the irrational one here. What he doesnt know can't hurt him and you aren't planning on cheating on him.

 

I completely disagree. Completely. He 'may' be being irrational about the no talking on the phone. Maybe. You both make good points. If you have not done anything to violate his trust and he is just uneasy about the past that is one thing. You have to look at this from his point of view though... most guys are guess what.... GUYS. SO its a hard thing for him to trust this guys intentions given your past history. Anyways, you compromised with him that you would not see the guy, and thats what you need to do. If you do otherwise, you are giving him very solid ground and a very good reason to NOT trust you in the future. The fact that you are willing to do this in spite of your bf's feelings tells me that maybe there is a little more to this friend that what you want to believe.

 

By ren's rationale you might as well cheat on him... because what he doesnt know doesnt hurt him.

 

I have a very similar situation with my girl (or I should say had). She had some guy friends that I did not wholely approve of... with good reason. It went beyond just their past. I saw messages from the guys that went past just flirting. She tells me that she is no longer in contact with the guy. But lets say for arguments sake, that I ever find out otherwise... Im gonna walk. She knows its a BIG deal to me. And if she were to take the 'what he doesnt know' approach on this one, she better hope I NEVER find out otherwise. I would rather know that she still talked to him, and then form my own opinions on the matter... can I deal with it or not.

If she went behind my back, and did what she said she wouldnt, it would make me question who knows what else. If she is hiding this, what else...

Its like this, Trust has to be earned, and that takes time. It only takes one split second to tear that trust down... and trust me its harder to get back the second time around.

If you really want to see this guy, invite your boyfriend. If he cannot make it, call your friend and tell him that you have a change of plans and you cannot have him visit.

[Rabican]

I guess b/c we have always been so close.

 

 

You are leaving out the part about your past sexual history. Hes not just a 'friend' hes a friend that you shared a very intimate (to some people) experience with.

 

Hes also a friend that seems to have you willing to gamble your relationship on... just to see him.

 

Try looking at it from your mans point of view.

[Juliana]

"Anyways, you compromised with him that you would not see the guy, and thats what you need to do."

 

In what way was this a compromise? Compromise means that both parties give something up; what was he giving up? Because if he was supposed to give up the act of harassing her about this friendship, he already broke their agreement by going further and insisting she not speak to him.

 

I don't see compromise here. I see a controlling and insecure person. Instead of trying to see it from a "man's" point of view, just look at the facts of what has gone on. Looking at it from his point of view really doesn't do anything except allow you to understand why he's demanding what he is -- it doesn't make his demands any more right, just because you understand why he's doing it.

[Bunney]

I agree with Rabican.

 

How would you feel if your boyfriend was a very very close friend to a girl he's been having sex with, and meeting her behind your back? Don't tell me you wouldn't find it wrong or that you wouldn't be jealous in the slightest!

[Juliana]

In the first place, I would never presume to tell someone else who they could or couldn't see. I'm not a prison warden. So he wouldn't need to see someone "behind my back."

 

Essentially what's going on here is that this man is trying to prevent her from having her normal life as she would choose to have it. What he wants is for her to have no contact with a man she has had a long-term relationship with that has been sexual off and on. I'm assuming from his end, that he is also not ever going to see any woman he's ever had sex with. And I know that there are couples who do this. The problem is, these decisions have to be mutual. They can't be just the decision of one person. And I very much doubt that this guy's insecurity and need for control is limited to this one issue.

 

Jealousy is not a word in my volcabulary. It's a coercive emotion, and if I'm that insecure in a relationship, there are many, many other things wrong -- if I'm jealous (because it is out of character for me), I always know that that means the relationship is over. I have never in my life told someone they couldn't see someone else. I expect if someone is actively pursuing the man I am with to have a sexual relationship with him, he'll stop seeing her himself. If he doesn't, I would stop seeing him; he's made his choice.

 

My husband does have female friends. I don't care.