Frustrated and Heartbroken

[amystar]

Hi everyone,

 

I really need to some insight outside my friends and family. I have never used online forums before but you guys seem to be very understanding and supportive.

 

First off, I'm really heartbroken. My boyfriend of 2 years decided that he was going to give me the cold shoulder to let me know that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Recently I noticed that he has changed a lot. He doesn't call me as much, doesn't ask me to spend time with him, and doesn't show much affection towards me.

 

Being that we are both grad students and have been extremely stressed out during finals, I thought I would give him some time. That did not do anything at all. Finals were over and he did not change so I confronted him about it. Basically he told me that he really does love me very much, does want to be with me but doesn't see us working out. He also said that he doesn't know if it is worth it anymore. I was completely floored.....where did all this come from?

 

Our relationship has been wonderful, we have had our ups and downs but overall, I thought that this guy was the one I was going to marry. I really love him from the bottom of my heart and I don't know what to make of all this. We decided to take a "break"...whatever that means. I mean how can you love somebody and not want to call them and spend time with them and show them affection? I really don't understand.

 

I'm completely heart broken, and as hard as I try I just can't stop the tears from coming. I don't know what to do. I am giving him his space right now so he can figure out what he wants but still I am completely torn apart. I don't know what to make of this. Thanks for reading. :sad:

[veneratio]

Sorry for all that you're going through. I know this probably isn't something that you want to hear--or read, but it sounds like he's been seeing someone else. When ex's broke up with me for no reason, that was usually the case. I wish you luck with it and hope everything turns out ok for you.

[bitbit]

people change. grad school is a high stress environment. sometimes you just out grow each other. he could be thining about his career path, being able to find jobs, making a living, getting out into the real world and leaving behind the safety of school and has simply let all of those stressors cloud his feelings for you. after two years, you start to really know somebody, and that feeling is comforting. knowing that you have someone to talk to no matter what at the end of the day that is just going to get you. i'm sure he still loves that aspect of the relationship but maybe it's become more friend-based than romantic. even though he's saying he doesn't want to call you or spend time with you or any of that, it's still in the back of his mind that if he ever wanted to, he could. it's still in the back of his mind that there is someone out there that really knows him and what makes him tick. you need to scare him out of this complacency. don't be there. don't be readily avaliable. the best that can happen is he'll realize you're not his safe house...the worst that can happen is he moves on, but in the process, you'll have found yourself again.

[Aurian]

How rough! You have no idea what happened? No ongoing major issues or arguments?

 

If not, I would assume that your guy is being indecisive about whether or not you are "the One" along with a dose of committment-phobia. After all, it sounds like it is/was a very serious relationship where the next step is the big one (marriage).

 

My advice is to simply give him his space and do not contact him for awhile. Go out and try have some fun with your friends or pick up a new hobby. He will either move on himself (in which case, he is not The One), or he will miss you, decide he's an idiot and try win you back.

 

Good luck! *hugs*

[Deserted1]

Hi Amystar, and welcome to ENA. You will find ALL the support you need on this board. If it helps at all, know that there are 1000's that have been through what you are going through right now. It looks to me that you are doing the right thing. Give him ALL the space he wants right now. No calls, no e-mail, no texts, nada. Let him see what he's missing with you. Let him come to you, when and if he's ready. If he truly loves you he will be back. Love doesn't need "a break".

I have to agree with V on this, that he may have another interest right now, I saw the same thing with my ex, I should have went NC then and walked away in hindsight. Just give it time. It will do you both some good.

[amystar]

Thanks for your advise. Although it's going to be hard since I still very much love him, I'm going to try to give him his space. After all, I don't want to be with somebody who does not want to be with me. Hopefully I will eventually figure out what is going on or maybe not, in which case I really need to put all of my energy into moving on with my life as hard as that seems right now.

[Aurian]

That's the spirit! It is really hard and most of us have felt the pain of a heartbreak, but we're there for you.*hugs*

[DN]

I would not agree that he is seeing someone else without more concrete evidence.

 

When you say 'ups' and downs' - what were the downs? Sometimes what seems relatively unimportant to one partner is much more important to the other, so it may be there is something there that will give you a clue as to what went wrong.

[amystar]

I just want to say thanks! I feel better already!

[amystar]

By our "downs" I mean arguments over silly little things that I think every couple goes through. We had some rough times during school because we did not get to see each other very much, but it always worked out for us at the end. I don't know, I'm really confused.

[terk2021]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I have been through the "we need to take a break" 3 times with my ex. Each break seems to be a little bit longer. It's probably best to not have contact with him, but you should also make a conscious decision to move forward with your life.

 

Let him know that you are moving forward in life. That's not to say that you are going out there immediately to find a replacement for him, but that you will not wait around to see what he decides to do.

 

No contact is probably the right way to go, but letting him know how you feel , and that you are moving on, in my opinion, is the right thing to do. It's not giving him an ultimatum, but you are letting him know that you are not going to sit around and wait.

 

I have been broken up with my ex for 4 months. I have been very very bad about no contact, because I miss her so much. What I have started doing though is moving forward in life. I am getting out there and meeting people. I am trying to get more into my job, and I am dating a little.

 

He may be thinking that he can take a "break" and try and figure it out, but you should let him know that you will not be there waiting for him to do so. If

he comes back to you, and you are still in a position where you still have the same feelings, then there is a chance.

 

This also might be a way that God (I am not the most religious person) is telling you that there is someone else out there for you. Living in wonder as to whether or not my ex is coming back to me has really made things worse for me.

 

I am just ready to get through the holidays These are the worst times to be without the one we feel we want to spend the rest of our lives with.

 

I wish you the best. As others have stated in this thread and many others in this board, we are all going through it. Keep your head up!!!

[Rabican]

Id suggest you just go no contact with him and see if he contacts you. If he wants space, thinks it isnt working out etc. then let him have his space. he will either come around and realize he was a fool, and ask you back, or he will move on or forget about you. In the meantime try to keep yourself busy with stuff thats not him.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i am sorry to hear you are in pain... it is always hard to be blindsided by someone like that, when you think everything is fine...

 

there are lots of people who are basically cowards and selfish when they break up, and don't even give you the honesty you deserve... they will say/do whatever is easiest for themselves when they want out... and frequently go 'underground' for a while before the breakup with their true feelings and actions being hidden.

 

it is very possible that he is seeing someone else (and has been for a while, or at least thinking about it)... people rarely want to sit up and say 'excuse me, even though i said i loved you before, i don't love you anymore and want to get into person X's pants now instead of yours)... so they frequently go cold, because they are selfish and angry they even have to go through the effort of breaking up with you, when they want to be off chasing those greener pastures...

 

having said that, it should let you know that he is not even a nice enough person to stick around and at least talk thru what is going on between you so that you can get used to the idea of breaking up, or he can be honest and tell you he's a liar and cheater... that would make it easier on you, and lots of people only want it to be easier on THEMSELVES...

 

i know it is hard to reconcile the person you thought he was with the person he has become, but if chose the path of being cold and cruel rather than trying to talk with you and work it out or give you closure, then that should make it easier for you to see that he is not the right person for you...

 

so don't waste too much time letting him sneak off under the guise of being on 'break'... i suggest you try to move on with your life, and if you do talk to him, either tell him you think you two need to actively work on a reconciliation, or else break it off, so you can move forward and not be in a painful limbo, but get on with your life and find someone who really does love you.

[amystar]

Thanks for your advice everyone. Later today, he actually ended up calling me. I tried really hard to be strong and not answer, but I did. I don't know if it was the right thing to do but I just ended up crying my eyes out on the phone and telling him how aweful I felt. He gave me the..."no matter what happens, you will always have a special place in my heart" speech.

 

Then he said that he has been kind of depressed lately and he doesn't know why. I am not sure if this has something to do with what is happening.

 

But either way, I feel like I got nothing acomplished by talking to him. It seems like even though we are not really together anymore and he basically ripped my heart out of my chest he still wants to talk to me every once in a while. I really don't understand. I am so hurt I dont' even know if I can go to work in the morning. I know I need to just tell him that I am moving on but it is soooo difficult. I thought I was going to spend my life with this guy........

[Ellie2006]

Hey Amystar,

I am so sorry you're hurting right now.

Are you guys in the same program?

If so, this will make maintaining NC tough but I do think as hard as it may be, NC will be best for now. You need to safeguard yourself from his occasional contacts bc they are NOT helping you move forward ...

 

No need to tell him anything for now.

Just focus on you and hopefully, the distance created by the X-mas holidays will be helpful.

 

Take care of yourself and don't forget to be kind during your process of healing, okay?

 

Hugs,

Ellie

[terk2021]

Thanks for your advice everyone. Later today, he actually ended up calling me. I tried really hard to be strong and not answer, but I did. I don't know if it was the right thing to do but I just ended up crying my eyes out on the phone and telling him how aweful I felt. He gave me the..."no matter what happens, you will always have a special place in my heart" speech.

 

 

Don't beat yourself up for taking the call. It's tough, because you love him and want to hear what he had to say. You should do everything you can to move forward. It's really hard to start healing, when you think there is hope. That has been my biggest struggle. It's not to say that you 2 may never get back together, but for now, you should try and concentrate on you. The holidays are the toughest time. Go buy yourself some Christmas presents. Do some of the things that you have wanted to do, but not had the time for. You deserve it.

 

If someone came up with the magic words to make the pain go away, they would be a very rich person. You deserve better, and you will have it. I wish you the best.

[Juliana]

I can't believe he said that. A special place in his heart. That's cold.

 

He's a knob. Begin getting over him immediately.

[amystar]

I know I need to just move on. He is being very cold about the whole situaton and I am not getting any answers from him. It seems like I don't mean a thing to him anymore, I don't know how somebody can just stop caring so quickly. The tough thing is that we are in the same program and we have the same friends. I will see him in class next semester. It would be a lot easier for me if I just did not have to see him anymore so that somehow I can try and move on. This is really stupid, but I feel like a big idiot for letting myself get down like this over him, but I just can't help it......I've never been hurt like this before.