If you are 'destine' to be

[HangingInThere]

why would you have to go to couples therapy. If the relationship was so hard and the reconciliation is hard, isnt that a sign that perhaps you 2 are not destine to be together?!

 

How can therapy help?

 

Please discuss!

[AzureSkyes69]

Well If I was having problems with the person I love then I would do everything in my power to save the relationship and if that meant going to couples therapy I would do it.I would not think of it as your not destined to be with someone because you have problems..the bottom line of a relationship is that it takes constant work it is a everyday thing ..you can't just slack off on it and expect it to be alright.If one person is doing all the work in a relationship and they are not getting along I think it should be addressed and if both parties agree the relationship is worth saving then you do the footwork it takes to try and save it.

 

I think threapy can help because it lets you look at the relationship and the situation in question from all angles not just your own.Sometimes people see what the other person is doing wrong and the hurt their partner is causing them,they fail to see their own shortcomings and their own issues or what they need to work on to bulild a healthy relationship.

 

I think therapy lets you see your partners prespective as well as having a third party perspective.Sometimes a third (outside person) can see things clearer than the people involved in the relationship.The people in the relationship sometimes walk around with blinders on and fail to see what is truly the problem and what can be done about it either out of stubbornness or anger.I think it is a good choice when you can't do much else..as long as your partner agrees to go.

If they do agree to go that would prove to me there is still hope somewhere and that they still care about me and about trying to save our relationship.

If they refuse to go to therapy and the situation escalates from bad to nightmarish..then for me it would be over. completley with my partner.

It is usually a last resort and it could signifly either a new beginning or a complete ending of a relationship.Unfortunatlly it is usually but not always the latter.

[Dako]

I think it's a great way to verify the relationship is over.

After you split, you can tell people you've done all you could,

absolving you of guilt over running off to find a better mate.

 

For some, it may help add a few more years to a relationship,

but the statistics aren't encouraging.

[Batya33]

If you believe that couples are "destined" to be together that could be a convenient excuse to avoid working on the relationship as in "if we were destined to be you would never make me cry, etc."

[Meow18]

I think that relationships that are in trouble can work out if BOTH are willing to put in the effort.. and no, I don't mean effort by actually going to therapy, that's the easiest part.

 

Couple's therapy alone will not make things perfect again.. You need to work on your relationship outside of it as well. It's just like any other therapy, if you don't do what is advised, then it's not going to work.

 

A lot of couples who are having issues might need professional help just to help solve whatever might be the problem. It's a good way to get help with building the skills you never did in the relationship.

[flower99]

I believe that even when a couple is destined to be together. After time & struggles during the relationship, you may lose sight of eachothers needs & small things may become grow into bigger things.when that happeneds a 3rd party (therapist) could be of use & help put things back into perspective & work out some problems.

When a couple is destined to be together, that doesn't mean problems will just work themselves out & you'll always know what to do. We are still human & still need help at times. (:

[silentalways]

personally, i love this woman i know and i would love to go therapy with her.

 

and i know she has some concerns regarding trust

 

we both love each other and she can say that and include but i have trust issues and that doesn't make me mad and say something stupid like i would have in the past like 'well, if u really loved me you would just trust me'

 

so, previously i was not only not listening what she was actually saying, but taking one issues she has and giving her another and switching the focus to MEMEMEMEMEMEME

 

now i would say

 

u know what? after what we went thru i don't blame ya - i have some trust issues to - how about we work on a plan to solve that together? i have a few ideas and i would love to hear yers and what issues we need to tackle

 

and she says

 

i do loves me but i don't want things that happened in the past to happen again and get hurt

 

and i say

 

lets get cracking on that list

 

but u know what? before u even tackle that i would suggest that a couple that has been thru a rough period needs to leave it alone for a bit and just do some things where there is no stress and stuff and just rekindle things a bit

 

but most importantly u have to know what u want, what the other wants

 

for example: say i want to be in a real relationship with her - u know marriage

 

and she wants to just date and see how it goes

 

so, obviously we date

 

and last, before u can do any of these things u have to take that first step, each one is trust

 

for example - u get off these web sites and back into the real world by saying ok lets take it slow at first, say we set aside a couple nights a week just to do stuff then after that we talk

 

any comments?

[Momene]

I think even a relationship that starts as "perfect" can be eroded by the strains of everyday life and the sort of crises like health, money problems and extended family that crop up all the time.

 

Some independent advice is always helpful.

[Day_Walker]

I dont believe that relationships are supposed to be easy. As far as couples therapy goes, it can help as long as both parties are willing, I dont think that is the case most of the time. I believe that fundamental differences in relationships are huge and unless both are willing to compromise then there will be no resolution.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Good question.

 

I take issue with the idea of "destined" for a start. What do you mean by "destined?" Does that mean "happen by chance, and no one has free will?"

 

Does that mean that two people who meet in a train wreck, by chance, are more destined than two people at a Singles' Night?

 

Anyway.

 

If two people AGREE to TRY and help the relationship, I think there's a sign that at least for the time being, there is common ground that could be helpful in a reconciliation.

 

Of course, it is all subjective. Perhaps ... I'd say counselling isn't so much an indication its over; more a process to help you decide whether or not it SHOULD be over?

[RayKay]

Even relationships where both people truly want to be together have their own struggles within and outside the relationship they need to learn to accommodate or deal with. If both couples are truly willing, and open to it, therapy and counselling can aid tremendously in bringing a neutral party in with advice and perspective. Most couples fight over the surface issues and not the core issues, and that therapy can help get to the bottom of things for example.

 

No relationship is "easy" in the long run all the time. Nor is it all up to "destiny", as it takes work. I would think if someone gave up anytime things got tough there is maybe an overly romantic view of what commitment is. Not saying you stay no matter what abuses are thrown at you of course, but there are hardships that occur in life and relationships that take effort to work through together, and in doing so create stronger bonds.

 

Therapy is not just for when things go bad either, the whole concept of pre marital counselling for example is to give couples the tools to have a healthy relationship in advance, and to prevent many of the common failings that lead to relationship breakdowns.

[luciand]

You MAY be destined to experience certain things, HOWEVER, that does NOT mean that you cannot forge your own destiny. Think of it as a complex math equation with trillions to the trillionth degree to the trillionth degree amount of variables. Every little thing CANNOT be destined for you to do. You can tweak things here and there and those little tweaks can change a lot in your life.

 

For example:

 

My parents almost moved into a house about 11 or 12 yrs ago, but decided to be in a more secluded area. I met my x-gf through my best friend, however, if I had lived in the previous house I would have gone to the same school and maybe met her there too.

 

On the other hand, if I had not kept in contact with my best friend through AIM I would probably have never visited him once I had a car and met my x-gf.

 

So... remember even the slightest thing you do/don't can change your " destiny ". Nothing is set in stone. Of course this is preceded by the love for an individual and the desire to be together. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship or life. There are plenty of bumps along the way.

[Clementine orange]

The same reason "Tiger Woods" has a golf coach, and Michael Jordan and all sports pros.

Yo Yo Ma still practices cello - daily

Pablo Picasso took painting lessons from others

 

As far as destiny - no such thing, the fate, no kismit no nothing.

 

I like what George McFly said in "back to the future"

 

George McFly: Lorraine, my density has bought me to you.

Lorraine Baines: What?

George McFly: Oh, what I meant to say was...

Lorraine Baines: Wait a minute, don't I know you from somewhere?

George McFly: Yes. Yes. I'm George, George McFly. I'm your density. I mean... your destiny.

[VeganBohemian]

I am not one to think that a relationship does not require a certain amount of work---of course it does. However, I would think that if it was so much work that we needed therapy...or if I had to struggle and work each day...than it isn't worth it. A relationship should generally be more good than bad. I would rather him and I work out our own problems together...be on the same team.

[valiantv]

JUst because Destiny has said you'll be together doesn't mean it's agreeing to do all the work for you! Maybe you are destined to be together, but only after you have gone through the destined relationship therapy!

 

If you take whatever happened to you, that is what was destined to happen to you, (like you were destined to post that question and I was destined to read it and post this reply), then you have to forge your own destiny through work, though if you do, then you were destined to do it.

 

Richard Branson was destined to be rich, but he was also destined to do all the stuff he did to get rich! I mean destiny isn't magic, you have to do some of the work to make it happen.

 

Of course you won't know until one of you is on their death bed that you were destined to be together for life...

[HangingInThere]

I am not one to think that a relationship does not require a certain amount of work---of course it does. However, I would think that if it was so much work that we needed therapy...or if I had to struggle and work each day...than it isn't worth it. A relationship should generally be more good than bad. I would rather him and I work out our own problems together...be on the same team.

 

that is how i somewhat look at it...only no tho, never thought about this in any of my prior relationships.

 

thanks all for your replies..........here is how its going thus far, my bf suggested we go to therapy...after 5 months of NC, he got in contact with me again. We talked about our past mishpas, and then out of nowhere, he suggested we should go to therapy and try to do this right. I said sure why not!

 

After our 1st session (last week) we were very angry with each other, a few days later we had a discussion and he said he doesnt regret anything he did in the past and he handled our relationship perfectly. After he said that i was very upset and decided to call and cancel session #2. He was very arrogant and said sure whatever...later on, he pleaded that we go and reschedule the appt, but he didnt take back the things he said bout perfectly and no regrets.

 

Today is session #2, and i am a bit apprehensive. I truly feel like i shouldnt have to go thru this, especialy in a relationship that is only slightly over a year and no kids or marriage is involved. he said he wants to marry me and i am the only one for him blah blah blah..

 

I dont see the point really. i truly know that they are goin to be rough patches (i'm not new to the bf gf world) but to go this route. Funny enough, before we broke I WAS THE ONE recommending therapy.