GIRLS: would you be upset if..

[rodeo-rider]

Whatever happened to Popular Mechanics? Or Popular Science? Or Motor Trend? or Field and Stream?

 

I grew up camping, hunting, fishing, farming, these were the mags that the men I knew read. Sorry, to some of you who would like to think that all guys read porn and mens girlie mags.

 

There has been some advertising as of late to the effect that the male species isn't interested in these hobbies anymore.

 

This is off from the posters question, but aince we are on the subject, I am curious.

[annie24]

hm. I'm not a man, so I can't speak for the guys on this thread, but I read lots of serious journals and magazines, in addition to "fluff" like celebrity gossip mags. (I know, bad!), but when I am in the mood for junk, I feel it's better I read a gossip mag than have a ding-dong or a twinkie.

 

And then when people see my gossip mags, they just roll their eyes. I'm like, "Hey - I just want a bit of a mental break, ok?"

[notsomuch]

yeah, I have insecurity issues - but it goes deeper than that. when i'm with someone seriously i want all their desires focused on me. sounds old fashioned, and i know you cant stop them from looking at other girls, but to have a magazine full of them would make me feel very insecure and jealous

[Caterina]

Its weird to me to see how many men are saying that not wanting your SO to look at Maxim or other similar magazines is controlling. I don't know if it makes me weird, but I've always been able to operate much more easily in relationships where boundaries were clearly defined from the begininning so that you know whether or not you can conform to them. I don't like guys who are constantly thinking about other women ...constantly buying magazines that objectify women, hanging up posters of giggling scantily clad women... instead of occupying their time with deeper interests. I have often been described as low-maintenance. But there are just some things I don't tolerate. I don't think that anything that is even close to cheating is "cute". I'd never cheat, and I'd never come close to even giving the appearance off as someone who would cheat. And I expect the same. Now, how to define "close to cheating" varies from person to person, but there are just some things I won't tolerate in a relationship. People call it insecurity, but some feelings of insecurity are justified. Living in an area that is statistically known for a large amount of robberies without a security system is bound to make the occupants feel rightly insecure...well, its the same thing... If a guy has a wandering eye...if he's flirtacious...well, thoughts precede action. I want someone who is simply as loyal and devoted as I am.

I also wouldn't tolerate, for instance, someone who nags at me all the time, "wear this" "why don't you..." nor would I tolerate someone who causes me to nag all the time. Now, if having standards or intolerances makes me controlling- I guess I would gladly take the title and hopefully one day find someone just as controlling as I am.

[FCTex]

Sounds controlling to me, in my opinion...

 

Boundries and whats okay, and not okay, such as magazines, strip clubs, porn.. Using foul language, cheating on your taxes, beating small animals for pee'in on the carpet..

 

Any number of things that can piss someone off in a relationship can come up. Having them all layed out on the table during the start or before a relationship is taken on, is rediculous in my opinion.

 

If I started seeing a girl who sat me down and said..

 

I don't want you going to R movies, I don't want you watching Wild on E. I don't want you looking at the Discovery Channel.. It's a definate no to smoking, drinking, cursing, and porn. No posters with women, no magazines about women, no internet sites that have women on them.

 

 

I'd look her in the eye, and tell her to get lost.

[saint_saul]

FCT, I'm not sure if you're responding mostly to me or Caterina. I don't lay out boundaries at the start of a relationship and I don't care about a lot of the things you mentioned (cursing, the discovery channel?..)

[jengh]

I wouldn't make a big deal about it at all. Really, there's no reason to get upset. As many other posters wrote, it's just like you getting Cosmo. Try taking the time to read one of his issues... it's actually a really good magazine. The "Found Porn" is hilarious.

[Rabican]

The cosmo/maxim analogy is a good one...although I don't remember cosmo having much in the way of scantilly clad men like maxim has scantilly clad women....IMO these mags are all trashy, mostly ads and stuff.

 

quote]

 

Every issue of cosmo has a "guy without his shirt" section, numerous pages of 6'2" underwear models who have peach fuzz for a beard.

 

I read cosmo every now and then when it shows up at work, theres usually all sorts of good sex tips in there for me and my girl to try.

[Caterina]

Sounds controlling to me, in my opinion...

 

Boundries and whats okay, and not okay, such as magazines, strip clubs, porn.. Using foul language, cheating on your taxes, beating small animals for pee'in on the carpet..

 

Any number of things that can piss someone off in a relationship can come up. Having them all layed out on the table during the start or before a relationship is taken on, is rediculous in my opinion.

 

If I started seeing a girl who sat me down and said..

 

I don't want you going to R movies, I don't want you watching Wild on E. I don't want you looking at the Discovery Channel.. It's a definate no to smoking, drinking, cursing, and porn. No posters with women, no magazines about women, no internet sites that have women on them.

 

 

I'd look her in the eye, and tell her to get lost.

 

I'm not quite sure of what you are trying to say here....are you against the fact that boundaries are laid out in the beginning or what the boundaries would be about? Appropriate boundaries are difficult to define for anyone. Beating a puppy is wrong. Obviously. And other examples. Issues over magazines are a legitimate concern...and if you think thats controlling, hey, more power to ya and you're opinions. Its likely you'll find some girl out there who will be okay with that. I'm sure you and I would never work out and both of us can breathe a sigh of relief that we don't have to encounter someone like the other person in a relationship context. As far as laying things out in the beggining...there are things that are learned over time and then there are things that should be made known from the beginning. I'm sure that you'd probably at least like to know early on if you were dating someone who had a fetish for sucking the blood out of toes.

[Rabican]

Boundaries are fine, so long as they arent so constricting that we might as well lock ourselves in the bedroom and turn off the tv so that we arent 'breaking a rule'

 

That said, I watch porn, I look at maxim, playboy, I like to LOOK at women sometimes. Thats as far as it goes. I wont be cheating.... ever.

I also play violent video games... but im not going out to the hardware store and buying an axe or a sledgehammer to go have some fun at the nursing home either. Saying that thoughts precede action in such a broad sense is a bit of a stretch to me. My thought if my girl said I dont want you looking at maxim would be, what is she not going to allow me to do next?

As I said, boundaries are GREAT. Im very firm about my girl not excessively flirting with any of her guy friends. Or no talking dirty etc. I think anyone can agree that those are two pretty common sense boundaries to have. I in turn, do not even have any female friends... I have a girl I dont really need or want any other girls around. Thats by my choice not hers.

Anyways... im getting off on a rant here. Boundaries good. Just gotta watch how short you make that leash.

[d1whoutf]

I haven't read all the previous replies, but when you get that magazine, it's not only for the photos, but there are some very interesting articles...

[Jersey Shortie]

yes, I definitely agree with this. getting upset or trying to make him see your point of view on what is and isn't appropriate to read is going to drive him away, not want him to be closer to you

 

 

 

You might be onto something with that. But I don't think knowing your boyfriend is looking at porn or maxuim, with girls that are 6 feet tall and perfect looking, makes me or most women feel like being closer to him either.

It's a good way to drive a wedge between you and your girlfriend and it seems like guys are okay with driving this wedge between them.

 

Why do guys expect us to feel like being with them, knowing they are getting their fill of other women who are better then what they have right next to them in person?

 

You want to say it is "insecurity", well hello of course it is. Women aren't masturbating to movies of 6 foot plus men with huge who makes tons of money and turning around to their boyfriends and saying, "just deal with it, it's just what I like". I think if women were doing that, men would finally understand what it feels like to have your boyfriend or husband validating other women who are a physical fantasy that you can't compete with.

 

I don't think men understand how much they damage women with these things. Or maybe they understand but don't care.

[FCTex]

I think some women take it too far.

 

As in, if I'm flipping through the channel, and I see the victoria secret fashion show on, and I stay on the channel for a moment, and go, "damn, thats nice."

 

My girlfriend, and any ideal girl IMO, would not respond, "So I'm not good enough? You want that, and not me? Whats wrong with me?"

 

I think women need to get over the fact that it's human nature to have interaction with the other sex. It's human nature to look at the opposite sex, or anyone for that matter and find something that looks "attractive" to you..

 

It's fine to say, "shes pretty, I like her clothes." or "he's a nice clean cut handsome guy." Gawking could be crossing the line at times, but generally, by looking, it's no harm..

 

I look at women when I'm out all the time. Infact, my girlfriend to me, is one of the more insecure women I've ever dated.. I also work at Abercrombie and Fitch.. Where I'm put on display for people to see. I'm to be groomed and dressed to impress. I have to look good, and I'm paid to do so. I work with very attractive people, and I'm told to flirt and be carefree with customers.. I work in a "sex sells" environment.. I get hit on alot, and have quite a few very very attractive female friends.. Does that mean my girlfriend is any less? Nope, because she's of the caliber woman I want to be with, and really people thats what it boils down to..

 

 

Does my girlfriend flip out, if I'm hanging out, or talking to an attractive female co-worker? Nope.. It's work.. It's the routine..

 

Much like when I go out in public, if I see something attractive, my eyes follow... Doesn't mean I'm going to cheat..

 

Stop worrying about "spotting a cheat" and spotting a pervert.. Or someone who will break your boundries.. Sometimes the deal breakers aren't much more than looking the wrong way, and it's sad it's like that for some.

[FCTex]

I just think it's asinine to assume that by a man looking at a mens magazine, or a woman in public that he's got his "fill" and no longer feels the need to have his significant other.

 

Thats just insane... I can't comprehend how a woman would feel like that? Sounds like more the womans issue than it is the man. If she doesn't feel worthy enough around him, regardless of a magazine, or the hot neighbor mowing her grass in a bikini, then leave him.. Something wasn't right in the beginning. These are the women who drive the divorce rate through the roof in my opinion.

[caro33]

I just think it's asinine to assume that by a man looking at a mens magazine, or a woman in public that he's got his "fill" and no longer feels the need to have his significant other.

 

Thats just insane... I can't comprehend how a woman would feel like that? Sounds like more the womans issue than it is the man. If she doesn't feel worthy enough around him, regardless of a magazine, or the hot neighbor mowing her grass in a bikini, then leave him.. Something wasn't right in the beginning. These are the women who drive the divorce rate through the roof in my opinion.

 

It is really complex, and even as a woman who has thought about this a lot, I can't really explain it. Yes it's insecurity, but it's often an understandable insecurity that women have because of messages we are bombarded with about how we're never 'enough', we're never good enough. Not from men necessarily, but from the culture, from other women, etc - the messages then are what we tell ourselves.

 

And it's a very thin line between what's okay and reasonable and what's seen as disrespectful, it's down to the individual it seems, and based on a whole lot of stuff which often includes but is not limited to insecurity. There is a history, and in some cases a current practice, of women being undervalued, of being seen as only as good as their men, or their looks. Women are also just raised differently, at least that is my experience. Even in my house where my parents raised me as a person, not a girl, I couldn't avoid the rest of the world that told me I was only as good as how I looked and what the boys thought. That sounds extreme but it was truly my experience.

 

I know with me that I have a hair trigger that even I can't predict between what I see as acceptable looking at naked/sexualised women while I'm there to what is pervy and makes me feel bad. Poor husband just doesn't have a chance sometimes.

 

It's also hard for many of us women to put ourselves in the guy's shoes - we are not wired the same way, as you know. I do try, and sometimes I am successful. Sometimes I think 'oh so THAT'S what he's thinking, phew', but if I am feeling insecure about myself that insight can be fleeting. It's more natural for me then to assume he's checking out other women and thinking 'hmm, my one just doesn't come up to scratch'. Not a good feeling, but in my case I recognise it's self-inflicted.

 

Not that I am arguing with you at all, I understand your frustration. But this is such a thorny issue, it raises so many things that I just think the sexes are not too compatible on. I have barely touched on the feminist issues here but they are also real.

[FCTex]

caro33,

 

I can definitely agree in that sense with what you said.. I might add that I can see where SOME women might see it like that...

 

However, from what I generally understand, it's just like I pointed out. They jump the gun and assume themselves second class citizens, because they believe their thighs are too fat, and I just so happen to mention how I like skinny jeans on women as I pass a younger, thinner woman..

 

I mean, I think.. wait.. I KNOW, it's all in how each person was brought up and feels... I make an effort to praise my girlfriend alot. She knows she's gorgeous. I don't have to reassure her of that, and I think it helps that she hears it from others instead of just me... But regardless she always glances towards me to hear it first when she asks... I might look at maxim.. I might be guilty and browse a porn site for a few minutes.. I might look at dirty magazines when I'm bored.. I might smile at the attractive woman I pass in the grocery store, or I might help the same load her bags into her car..

 

But what it comes down to is.. I could admire the hostess seating me at dinner, while I wait for my girlfriend to show up.. But it won't change the fact that when THE woman for me shows up, that I don't admire her even more, tell her, and show her..

 

Actions speak alot louder than words, or any magazines wondering eyes.

[TheRedQueen]

I myself enjoy looking at Maxim and would never chastise my boyfriend for enjoying to do so as well.

[caro33]

Yes, I know this is true, and in theory I agree with your perspective. Well said. Different people will have different perspectives on the respectfulness (a word?) of porn etc but I don't have a problem with it in principle. And obviously there's a spectrum there as well...

 

But knowing this intellectually doesn't help feelings. I struggle with this with my own husband - I know he adores me and I know he is trustworthy, more so than anyone I've ever met. Even so, I have pangs of jealousy when he spends what I see as 'too long' watching bikini women on TV etc and I still punish myself for not looking like his hot ex *sigh*. I try to manage it, but it sometimes builds into a big emotional mess of angry feminism, frustration at myself for taking it too seriously and looking intense, and self-hatred for not being like the women he looks at. There's always a backstory too - baggage that comes up about the guy who dropped you for not being young/thin/something enough.

 

I'm not saying this is admirable but I think that for many women it is normal, in varying degrees and with various species of issue.

 

But I agree, if we can treat each other with respect and with compassion for some all too normal human frailties, this stuff shouldn't be too big a deal. We have to give each other space and trust each is in the relationship wholeheartedly. Etc.

 

Enough of my rave - and to think it was only this morning I was feeling sorry for the OP who continued to be lectured about issues she said she'd solved pages ago. Yet here I am. Sorry!

[annie24]

Women aren't masturbating to movies of 6 foot plus men with huge * * * *s who makes tons of money and turning around to their boyfriends and saying, "just deal with it, it's just what I like". I think if women were doing that, men would finally understand what it feels like to have your boyfriend or husband validating other women who are a physical fantasy that you can't compete with.

 

I think plenty of women are like this. I wouldn't generalize about how all women or men are this way or another....

[Violette]

While I can see the point of it being 'just a magazine' and not as bad as others out there, I also see your point that it is filled with "sexy" pictures. Don't worry, feeling this way doesn't make you insecure or paranoid.

 

To be honest, it would make me upset too. I think it would make most women upset (just a little, even if they didn't acknowledge it).

 

It is really hard to give advice to someone in your situation, if the advisor is not , nor has ever been in the situation. Remember that although some points given to you may make wonderful sense, it is your own gut feeling that has to be reckoned with. If it bothers you and upsets you, bring it up gently. Your boyfriend will not be angry with you for trusting him so much as to talk to him about something that bugs you.

[CluelessGuy321]

your boyfriend/significant other started to get magazines like Maxim?

 

My boyfriend and I recently got into an argument because of this. A couple days ago he innocently told me that he signed up to get Maxim and Esquire because of a perk from his Mom's frequent flier miles. At first, I didn't have a problem with it at all -- I mean, he was upfront, and I'm not THAT insecure. But, the more I thought of it, the more it upset me. I would just prefer if he didn't have a magazine delivered to his door in which the staple of content was scantily clad Brazilian women. Is this worth the trouble to fight over?

 

You should read Maxim sometime. It's more like.... Vanity Fair for men than Playboy or some smut mag.

[eleanorrigby1]

why do people always feel that they have to change every aspect of their life when they enter into a relationship? why cant he continue to be a man instead of being put in the box of "boyfriend" i dont think its disrepectful at all that he is reading Maxim, its hardly "big Betty's Bazookas!"

 

chose your battles and dont wage war on silly little things like this! how can this possibly be disrespectful to you?

 

If he said "stop wearing makeup, you dont need to attract men now, stop wearing short skirts i find it direspectful...stop reading cosmo... "

 

can you see the point i am making?

[TheRedQueen]

why do people always feel that they have to change every aspect of their life when they enter into a relationship? why cant he continue to be a man instead of being put in the box of "boyfriend" i dont think its disrepectful at all that he is reading Maxim, its hardly "big Betty's Bazookas!"

 

chose your battles and dont wage war on silly little things like this! how can this possibly be disrespectful to you?

 

If he said "stop wearing makeup, you dont need to attract men now, stop wearing short skirts i find it direspectful...stop reading cosmo... "

 

can you see the point i am making?

I'm right there with you sister, the general consensus of this thread has me feeling inordinately liberal.

[lovecrazy]

its a magazine..Honestly read it with him.

 

It might surprise you. They actually have really useful articals, and great pics in the mags.

 

Enjoy it....and let it go

[BrokenHeart82]

Pick your battles and this isnt worth battling over....I would ask yourself WHY it bothers you. Is it because you are worried that he doesnt find you attractive enough? Usually at the root of anger there is a cause we arent even aware of.

 

Anyhow, as far as the content in Maxim...its pretty harmless really...and actually they sometimes give men GREAT tips on pleasing their woman (big ups to the magazine!)

 

As far as the photos..ive seen women just as scantily clad in Cosmo!