Females and No Contact

[selfi]

We're all here for a similar reason, but I thought to start a thread relating to how fellow females are dealing with No Contact, as I believe women have a different coping mechanism to men.

 

1. How long have you been in NC for?

2. Are you doing it with hopes to get the ex back? (Thruthfullly)

3. When you were on the verge of breaking NC, what strategie/thought process worked on stopping you from doing so?

4. Do you generally supress your feelings about the break up to those around you?

5. If you have been to counselling, has it helped?

 

And there we have it, I think these are questions that Id really like to know from others as...we may be able to draw from eachothers outlooks.

 

- Selfi.

[Aschleigh]

I'm trying not to call, ( being successful for a week now) , I have IMed him.

I don't want to do NC, just Low contact.

I sometimes think of getting him back but I know that with his lies and dishonesty it would be bad for me. Things would have to change dramatically for it to work. It will be years if not never until he grows up. I know he does these things out of ignorance not malice. He is willing to go to a movie, hang out. I can't until I know my feelings for him are pretty much done. His bahavior is so dysfunctional. I feel icky around him. So I am waiting until January or february to see if I want to see him.

I go to counseling. Yes it helps. She basically give me a pep talk about how well I am doing. It helps me to know that he has a pattern of lies and manipulation and I don't have to settle for this bahavior from a SO. I am dating ( waitng for a date to pick me up right now) , taking it slow, taking a lot of me time. Healing is more important than getting into another relationship right now.

I know that I will NEVER be in a relationship where I feel unwanted and can't trust him. I deserve so much more. I give so much more.

Keep on Keeping on Girls!

[selfi]

Thanks for the reply Aschleigh, quick question; why do you find that LC is the best thing for you as opposed to NC?

 

May as well put my own answers in;

1. How long have you been in NC for?

About 3 weeks

2. Are you doing it with hopes to get the ex back? (Thruthfullly)

Im not doing NC to get him back, but to be with him again is what I am strongly hoping for

3. When you were on the verge of breaking NC, what strategie/thought process worked on stopping you from doing so?

Reading posts on this forum!

4. Do you generally supress your feelings about the break up to those around you?

Close friends know how I feel, but even so I tend to play it all down as I dont want to be a burden

5. If you have been to counselling, has it helped?

Only a couple of times, I think I may need to find the right one as councillers Ive spoken too dont really know what to say. Ive found this free website to be more useful in all honesty

[laboheme]

1. How long have you been in NC for?

It's been 2 weeks of solid NC, and a couple of months of LC.

 

2. Are you doing it with hopes to get the ex back? (Thruthfullly)

Right now I'd say I'm doing it more out of curiosity. Yes, it would be swell if he came back to me, but I'm quite certain that he's moved on and there will be no more romantic relations between us. However, I just want to see when/if he contacts me. Curiosity and stubbornness, that's what it is.

 

3. When you were on the verge of breaking NC, what strategie/thought process worked on stopping you from doing so?

I tried doing NC several times (during that LC period), but when I decided to do it for good, I was thinking about how breaking NC made me feel...and how our conversations would probably turn sour very quickly. So I didn't do it.

 

4. Do you generally supress your feelings about the break up to those around you?

I did for a while, since my friends were not available and I could only talk to my coworkers about it...and at the time everybody at work was having problems. Then there was a period when I vented to everybody that I talked to...and now I'm just tired of talking about it and feel selfish bringing it up. Enough is enough.

 

5. If you have been to counselling, has it helped?

I haven't been to counselling for the breakup...but the breakup made me realize that I need to seek help for my temper issues. No improvement so far though.

[KoopaTroopa]

1) My ex and I are friends now, but we had a couple weeks of NC after the breakup. (I was the one who caved, but in all honesty, I'm amazed I even made it a few weeks. Yes, I'm a wimp.)

 

2) I did it because I didn't want to chase her away completely. After the breakup, I ended up sobbing every time I talked to her, which was (understandably) starting to annoy her. So, I sorta had to grab myself by the scruff of the neck and haul myself away until I could be around her without being a whiny emo pain in the butt.

 

3) I told myself that the reason she fell for me in the first place is because she thought I was fun and funny and goofy and offbeat, not because I was...well...a whiny emo pain in the butt. I basically had this inner drill sergeant in my head that I called upon every time I wanted to contact her. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, SOLDIER? DO YOU WANT HER TO SEE YOU CRYING LIKE A LITTLE GIRLSCOUT? I DON'T THINK SO. NOW DROP THAT PHONE AND GIMME 20." I made a deal with myself that I could contact her again when I was SURE I could do it and hold it together. It made it so much easier knowing I had something to look forward to.

 

4) Oh gods, I think this breakup was the first time most my friends (whom I've known for years) have ever seen me cry. When it first happened, I was positively inconsolable - curled up on the couch sobbing uncontrollably for three solid days, then wandering around like a zombie for the next few weeks. As it is now, I'll grumble about it to friends, but I'm just now getting to the point where I don't want to shut myself away all the time and avoid human contact all together.

 

5) I haven't been to formal counselling, but I have wonderful friends and family who have been excellent to talk to, for advice or just plain support. It's definitely helped.

[tamara78]

Hello my dear lady friends. This is a great post Selfi, so I thought I'd share my story:

 

1. How long have you been in NC for?

Three and a half months.

 

2. Are you doing it with hopes to get the ex back? (Thruthfullly)

Hmmm...at frist I was so hurt that all I wanted was to feel better - I celarly saw the road ahead - I literally visualised this in my mind and thought that I simply must not look back nor contact him. I just wanted to get back on my feet and not suffer anymore. Now I'm feeling a lot better but I do hope that he will come back. One thing though - having done NC for this long has made me realise that there is nothing I can do to get him back - it has to come from him, and for that to happen, he needs to work on himself, which will take time - so full NC steam ahead.

 

3. When you were on the verge of breaking NC, what strategie/thought process worked on stopping you from doing so?

Same sa above - I kept telling myself that if we are ever to work then he is the one that needs to realise a few things on his own and I knew that this requires a lot of time - months - probably years. I also kept saying to myself that he needs to know what life without me is like - that usually worked. And crying too.

 

4. Do you generally supress your feelings about the break up to those around you?

I try to, but my best friend knows the full story and my every down moment.

 

5. If you have been to counselling, has it helped?

No, no conselling for me.

 

Lots of love to all my fellow sufferes.

Tamara

[silentalways]

just wanted to say that chris saw the absolute entirity of who i am as a person - every single part of me was revealed - and my memory is pretty clear about things like snap shot emotions, rather than details

 

i have seen her love at me with such love in her eyes sometimes for the tiniest of things and it freezes like a polaroid in my mind

 

i have seen the look on her face expressing such sadness to have been away and then coming to see me at my worse - i will never forget that look

 

it was omg he is so tortured - she didn't stay long then

i remember once where each visit and departure was pure hell and i didn't want to do it but she is a part of me [come what may - i might never see her again but she will live inside]

i remember seeing her drive up and i had know she was coming and for days i stayed up because i had to be exhausted in order to not let her coming and going knowing she isn't coming back and letting her see me get sicker as she would look healthier being away from me

 

knowing she is better without me is truly painful

 

there is northing in my life experience that matches the intensity of what i had with her and its impact on me - nothing

 

i was married for 17 years - got over that in two months

 

this is over a year

 

and came as dangerously close to the dark side as one can get and return intact

 

i will never go back there because own the road map now

 

but when i talk about her and the things i feel

 

people think i am crazy - that no-one loves that deep without it being mental

 

and laugh

 

i had the best of that kinda thing

 

anyways - i recognize what my tasks are and stopping to think i am on a site chatting with her is one of them but i know that thinking that may be a temp set back, not a decline back to the mudbowl

 

crap, 6:30 i am bagged - take the morning off = get some sleep

 

work in the aft

 

see ya

 

 

ever

[tribecagirl]

1. How long have you been in NC for?

2. Are you doing it with hopes to get the ex back? (Thruthfullly)

3. When you were on the verge of breaking NC, what strategie/thought process worked on stopping you from doing so?

4. Do you generally supress your feelings about the break up to those around you?

5. If you have been to counselling, has it helped?

 

Great questions!

1. I've been NC for 38 days and counting...

 

2. Am I doing NC with hopes of getting back with the ex? Not at all. I'm doing NC because my ex has chosen the woman he wants to be with and I can't do anything about that. I see no reason to lower my self-esteem to fight a losing battle. He made his decision and I made mine. Although I have my rough days, I know that NC is the ONLY thing I got in my corner. But, honestly, if he ever tried to contact me, I want to be in a position where he can see just what he missed out on. I'm the prize! I want to have a new guy in my life, in case he does try to contact me again!

 

3. Truthfully, I have not been on the verge of breaking my NC. I made it this far with 38 days, so there's no point of return for me now.

 

4. I have not supressed my feelings to those I'm closest to. I guess it's like going through the death of a loved one. You go through the motions and then you collect yourself and move on. I don't talk about him with friends or family anymore. I don't cry as much, either, but last week was tough when I hit the 30 day mark of NC. I think I was emotional because of my "monthly hormones." My friends know that this is a taboo subject for me. But coming here to enotalone makes me feel better.

 

5. I have been going to counseling. It's helping. My therapist said that he believes that something good is going to happen for me because I have so much love to give. So that made me feel much better.

[Aschleigh]

Tamara78

 

That's such an important point to make. He has issues that it's his job to work on by himself. My ex lies, can't be emotionally intimate, etc.. I can't do anything to fix this, even though I would have loved him completely while he worked through these things. Ultimately he hurts himself by not taking the opportunity to be self reflective and totally supported on him journey of self discovery.

I also need support on my journey of self discovery, he does not offer it.

 

This is an excellent article about not fixing your SO and taking responsibility for yourself only.

link removed

[tropicaliris]

1. How long have you been in NC for?

 

He wanted to remain friends, after finding out about the new girlfriend I realized I couldn't handle that situation and stopped contact for about two and a half months now.

 

2. Are you doing it with hopes to get the ex back? (Thruthfullly)

 

At first yes I was hoping this will help him realize I meant something to him and bring him back. Over time I realized he may just not come back and I am starting to regain my old self back again (the independent happy person I was before I met him) NC really was to find myself again. I still do miss him.. and there is shards of hope that we could try again in the future...but now i have doubts about a second chance...

 

3. When you were on the verge of breaking NC, what strategie/thought process worked on stopping you from doing so?

 

He has a new girlfriend now, if he really wanted to be with me he would be with me and not her. What good will my contact do? His actions already show me how he really feels.

 

4. Do you generally supress your feelings about the break up to those around you?

 

Somewhat, I used to vent to my girlfriends a lot but now I try to enjoy the moment and try not to let those thoughts ruin my day.

 

5. If you have been to counselling, has it helped?

 

No counselling, I kinda like to handle the ups and downs on my own I feel like I become stronger each time I overcome them by myself.

[ruby19]

1. How long have you been in NC for?

6 weeks since the breakup, 4 NC

 

2. Are you doing it with hopes to get the ex back? (Thruthfullly)

I'm doing it because brain and gut says it is better for me to have NC while my heart is dying to reach out to him. I do want him back right now, the heart is currently winning the battle (PMS emotion overload).

 

3. When you were on the verge of breaking NC, what strategie/thought process worked on stopping you from doing so?

I thought about the contact we had two weeks after the breakup, I called and tried to be rational and ask him to read a letter I had sent him about trying to work things out, but I ended up crying and making a * * * * * * * of myself so I didn't want to leave such a crappy impression with him. Shallow pride, but it worked. Though I'm dying to email him and wish him well with his exams and the surgery he is having Friday.

 

4. Do you generally supress your feelings about the break up to those around you?

Yes, I talked a bit about it at work and a lot to a few friends at first but I know I'm dwelling on it too much and I feel they don't want to hear it. No one gets why I'm so upset about a relationship ending they never thought would last and I'm the only single person I know so even my well-intentioned friends can't remember what it feels like to be broken-up.

 

5. If you have been to counselling, has it helped?

I'm going in a month or so, there is a big waiting list

[selfi]

Interesting answers so far, they are all so varied, I definitely thought I would see a pattern emerging, but I cant.

So far though, it seems like the main thing stopping us from contacting our abandoners is good old pride.