strawberries789 Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 I broke up with my bf about 2 weeks ago, but I still think about him non-stop and am still in love with him. I didn't break up with him b/c I didn't love him, I broke up with him b/c things weren't good in the relationship. He wasn't mature, or responsible, or honest, or sensitive/caring anymore. I just didn't know what to do. I feel devastated and so hurt, because I think that if he loved me enough, he would have never let me walk away and would have done everything in his power to make me stay. I'm so lonely/sad/alone...any advice? I need it badly p.s. i was with him for 5 years Link to comment
rocio Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 I feel devastated and so hurt, because I think that if he loved me enough, he would have never let me walk away and would have done everything in his power to make me stay. I think that is an idealistic, unrealistic way to look at things. You should never break up with someone, expecting them to come chasing after you. It is manipulative and unkind. It is highly possible that the reason he didn't chase you was that he felt hurt and rejected. Usually when people break up it's not for a lack of love or passion. It's more uncompatability, which makes it very difficult to stay apart. Once the breakup happens, suddenly all you can remember is the good times and how good it felt to be close to them. My recommendation would be to examine the relationship and decide whether his flaws (immaturity, insensitivity, etc...) are things that you can live with. Don't expect him to change. If you can't deal with them, then walk away. If you can accept them, then go back to him, apologise, and move on. Link to comment
laboheme Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 I agree with hazey_amber about expecting him to chase after you. Just look around this forum -- when people get dumped, they are usually advised against begging and pleading because theoretically it doesn't bring back their ex. Instead, they're supposed to treat the breakup as final and to start moving on. Maybe your ex was given the same advice and decided to start his healing process with No Contact, even though he desperately wanted to beg and plead for you to stay. However, it could also be true that he wasn't feeling the relationship the same way anymore, and it wasn't a big blow to him when you left. But we can't know for sure... If you feel that you want to try and give him another chance, the only way to go about doing that is to tell him so and see if he feels the same way. If that's the case, make sure that you work on the problems that you were having within the relationship, otherwise history is bound to repeat itself...and from what I hear, it hurts more the second time around... Link to comment
paulm Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 2 weeks isn't good enough to get over a 5 year relationship. Try a few months. Occupy your time with the fun things you couldn't do as a couple. Enjoy being single. Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 I broke up with my bf about 2 weeks ago, but I still think about him non-stop and am still in love with him. I didn't break up with him b/c I didn't love him, I broke up with him b/c things weren't good in the relationship. He wasn't mature, or responsible, or honest, or sensitive/caring anymore. I just didn't know what to do. I feel devastated and so hurt, because I think that if he loved me enough, he would have never let me walk away and would have done everything in his power to make me stay. I'm so lonely/sad/alone...any advice? I need it badly p.s. i was with him for 5 years Hey there Strawberry, Welcome to Enotalone! I am so sorry that you're hurting right now and hope you feel better soon ... I understand what you mean: I too broke up w/ my ex NOT bc I did not love him but bc it was the "right" thing to do for *me* ... And like you, I was completely serious about my intention to break up but still, of course, it did sting a little that he did not say "absolutely not! I will do whatever it takes to stay together!" But S, remind yourself of this: if he could have been the kind of guy who would have done everything in his power to save the relationship, would you have broken up with him in the first place? I am sure you had compelling and valid reason to break up with him after loving him for five years. It's hard, I know, but if you ever feel the doubt, just remind yourself of these reasons and that you have to love yourself FIRST! S, we're here for you if you need us. Please take care of yourself, okay? Hang in there ... Sending best wishes your way, E 1: Link to comment
need2bme Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 You can still care about someone and not be good for them. I don't want anything to happen to my ex, but we were not good for each other. You must have had good reasons for breaking up, right? Also, don't mix the feelings of lonliness with love. Run your feelings past your brain and make sure it is not lonliness or familiarity that you are feeling. Link to comment
Aniger_Doolb Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 oh wow, 5 years...maybe he thought that cliche saying "if you really love them, you'll let them go" some men don't know how to fight for their women, they think that if the girl wanted to be with them, she wouldn't've broken up with them. we can be quite a confusing gender, huh? maybe you should talk to him...call him, set up a meeting, some place quiet and private..and just talk. tell him how you think he's changed over the years, that you still love him, ask him why he thinks he's changed, if he's willing to put more effort...at least by talking to him, if things don't work out, you'll know you tried your best to resolve everything and made every effort to help the relationship. it's a small comfort, or no comfort at all, but it's something at least. Link to comment
strawberries789 Posted December 9, 2006 Author Share Posted December 9, 2006 Thank you to everyone for their posts. I think that I am just so depressed. He was my first boyfriend, my first love and we had planned to marry and have a family together. I don't think anything can comfort me right now. I loved him dearly and would have done anything on this earth for him. Now I'm beginning to think that maybe he fell out of love with me, maybe he doesn't love me at all and that's why he cared so little. I don't know if we can "fix" things in our relationship because there would be a lot for him to change (i.e. becoming financially responsible, being honest/truthful with me), I've talked to him before about these things but I don't think we see eye to eye. I helped him graduate from university, I helped him build a career. I encouraged him so much and did everything for him. I appreciate all of your messages. I feel like I have exhausted all of my resources (i.e. talking to my family/friends), so I really need this forum. Sometimes I just feel like the pain is unbearable, of losing someone who I still am in love with. I hate myself. Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 Hey S, Do NOT blame yourself ... And more importantly do NOT hate yourself! You've shown great strength in demonstrating the importance of loving yourself! Don't second-guess yourself ... Please let us know how we can help. We're here for you! Link to comment
strawberries789 Posted December 9, 2006 Author Share Posted December 9, 2006 Thanks so much. Reading your post made me feel a bit better. Some moments I feel "okay" (i.e. don't feel like i'm going to break down and cry), and other moments I panic, I get scared. Most nights, I can't sleep. I don't know why the insane temptation to call him. Maybe I'm just crazy Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted December 9, 2006 Share Posted December 9, 2006 S, You aren't crazy: the rollercoaster of emotions and the temptation to call him: these are natural responses. I think right after I broke up w/ my ex, I drove myself crazy second guessing myself ... I dove into work to keep my mind off him and worked myself into a night at the hospital! VERY stupid of me, I know ... Please don't repeat my mistake: be KIND to yourself during these times of healing okay? You have to : eat, sleep, get some exercise, get out and meet offline friends, and pamper yourself! Also, whenever you get the urge to call him, just remind yourself of your very VALID reasons for breaking up with him. Whatever happens, you must first think of yourself and focus on regaining your emotional stability. 1 Link to comment
strawberries789 Posted December 9, 2006 Author Share Posted December 9, 2006 thank you so much Ellie...I really do appreciate your response. Link to comment
strawberries789 Posted December 10, 2006 Author Share Posted December 10, 2006 how am i ever going to get through tonight... i am about to break the 2 weeks NC and call him Link to comment
sjv119 Posted December 10, 2006 Share Posted December 10, 2006 Now I'm beginning to think that maybe he fell out of love with me, maybe he doesn't love me at all and that's why he cared so little. I don't know if we can "fix" things in our relationship because there would be a lot for him to change (i.e. becoming financially responsible, being honest/truthful with me), I've talked to him before about these things but I don't think we see eye to eye. I helped him graduate from university, I helped him build a career. I encouraged him so much and did everything for him. i have the same experience. i think we both spent too much time building them up the way they (our exes) are now - successful and confident. and their little egos ballooned up and they think they did it all themselves. but strawberries - now is the time for YOU. Your own personal growth. Discover who you are without him. Discover your other passions in life. You'll do great! you made the right decision. Link to comment
strawberries789 Posted December 10, 2006 Author Share Posted December 10, 2006 guys...i think i'm going crazy here...i just tried calling him on his cell phone but no answer...i didn't leave a message im just so alone/depressed...i can't stop crying...i dont know what to do help Link to comment
wayner427 Posted December 10, 2006 Share Posted December 10, 2006 If you feel strongly about the reasons you did for breaking up with him, then maybe focusing on those negative things will help you get over it. Try to keep yourself busy to get your mind off of it all. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted December 10, 2006 Share Posted December 10, 2006 Please try to remember that a lot of the grieving process when breaking up with someone is recognizing that you are grieving for the *hope* of what you thought the relationship would be, not the actuality of what the relationship was, which is the reason you broke up to begin with. so if you start feeling really sad and like you need contact with him again, try to think about the reasons you broke up to begin with, and about the *real* odds of him ever giving you what you need. you might get some temporary comfort from talking to him, but all of the same reasons you left are still there, unless he has made a MAJOR change in himself in the last couple weeks, which is not likely. Five years together is a long time, and you are bound to feel very sad and lost for a while, because this has changed your world. but hanging on to someone like a security blanket won't get you the love and happiness you need. it is important to remember that by calling him when you are sad, you are trying to get comfort from the person who is responsible for causing your pain! please try instead to get comfort from people and things that will help you fill your life with happiness and joy, rather than trying to run back to something you had already realized had no future, just for some temporary familiarity or comfort. best wishes, i know it is hard now and your feelings are raw, but it will get better if you reach out and seek to pull yourself into the future, rather than slipping back into a past that didn't make you happy... Link to comment
strawberries789 Posted December 10, 2006 Author Share Posted December 10, 2006 thanks everyone... today i managed to do nothing productive at all, i have been moping all day long... i talked to all the ppl from my support system but i am finding that they are getting annoyed with me because all i do is blab about how much i miss my ex... what hurts me is that my ex hasn't even contacted me...and everyone im talking to now is telling me that he's emotionally detached himself from me and they think he did so in the last part of our relationship...this hurts me insanely... im so depressed...can't do anything but cry...i dont know how to do this, i just dont just thinking that he doesnt love me makes me go crazy Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Share Posted December 10, 2006 Hey S, Are you still there?! I know it's hard but you gotta focus on yourself like everyone else said ... Re: breaking NC: I am not sure what frame of mind your ex is in BUT if he has indeed emotionally detached himself, then breaking NC would only be more detrimental to your healing process ... Sit tight S, as hard as it may be ... We're here ... talk to us instead ... Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Share Posted December 10, 2006 it is important to remember that by calling him when you are sad, you are trying to get comfort from the person who is responsible for causing your pain! please try instead to get comfort from people and things that will help you fill your life with happiness and joy, rather than trying to run back to something you had already realized had no future, just for some temporary familiarity or comfort. I totally agree with what BSBH says above! Hang in there Strawberry! Link to comment
strawberries789 Posted December 10, 2006 Author Share Posted December 10, 2006 i know you guys are right...my friends/family are all right... i am just going crazy insane right now and tonight...i have such anxiety...im so depressed...im madly in love with him...all i want is for him to call me and tell me how big a mistake he made by hurting me...that he loves me and will do anything to be with me... im such a mess right now... such a mess Link to comment
strawberries789 Posted December 10, 2006 Author Share Posted December 10, 2006 should i just cry myself to sleep...why can't i just sleep and never wake up again... how can i love someone who doesn't care about me enough to call me and see how i am... this all happened during my exams and when my grandmother is sick...how can he be so insensitive to me... i just dont want to wake up anymore, i just dont want to Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Share Posted December 10, 2006 S, You are not a mess ... you are a person with feelings ... Don't you think it would be even stranger if we broke up w/ someone we love and we're in total control of our emotions to the degree of appearing emotionless? So feel for now ... but don't let your emotions swallow you up. Also do NOT relinquish control over to your ex and to your memories of the ex. Easier said than done, I know ... oh boy do I know! But still, I do believe that he (nor your memories) CANNOT hurt you if you do not allow them to hurt you ... Feel, don't shut down your emotions, but do it in moderation, y'know? S, what do you like to do? I've heard others say that it helps to watch funny movies after break-ups; how about it? How about taking a bubble bath? Also, some people have also said that writing "faux-letters" to their ex to vent (NOT to send, of course) was very cartharctic ... Any of these sound like something you might want to try? Link to comment
strawberries789 Posted December 10, 2006 Author Share Posted December 10, 2006 ellie, thank you so much for your helpful posts...objectively, i know how right you are...subjectively, i feel like crap...i just don't understand why i'm stuck in this rut...i really don't want to be feeling like this months from now, i don't think i can live with myself... i'll try to get to sleep as least then i wont have to think about this Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted December 10, 2006 Share Posted December 10, 2006 S, Someone said on another thread that sometimes it takes a while for our hearts to catch up with our heads; so true ... Just rest assured that as long as our head's in the right place (i.e. focused on healing ourselves), then soon enough, our hearts will catch up ... G'nite Strawberry! Sending a great big hug and best wishes your way ... Link to comment
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