please read and give me your advice...please

[standingby]

Strawberry,

For most cases, in the first few weeks after a break-up you will feel miserable... period (regardless if you dumped or was dumped) It is natural, it is the start of the healing proces and more importantly, it is because you are a caring and compassionate individual that you feel the way you do- acept it and embrace the pain because you will discover an amazingly beautiful, strong and unique individual awaking in your core. We are here for you. And, you will not tire us out..heck, there are 43,000 members. How's that for a friendship circle

 

Also, your real friends will endure your "blabbing" because they are there for you and know that you will do the same for them. Yes, sometimes their ears will grow weary if you continue to rehash the same point-of-view without showing progress one way or the other...they will let you know. They want you to heal and they will support your decisions because they love you. I found it helpful to give myself a time-limit for "spewing". It has helped me to release what I need to say and then not dwell on it.

 

It sounds like your ex activated nc too, because he is either hurting and needs to heal as well (or, in the second case, he is a heartless pri** and you deserve better). You know him better than do we. You dumped him and he needs to figure the same issues as you are. NC is about healing for you. Above all else, respect his individual needs to repair himself while you delve deep into working on you. If you truly love him, you will do this. No phone calls, no emails, no "accidental" bump-ins etc. Download pictures, emails and other media on to a cd and put it way in a safe spot. Delete his number from your phone (no, you will never forget it nor will he yours. Besides, there is something called a phone bill) These steps will help take away the impulsive urge to make contact because there are extra steps involved.

 

Because he was your first relationship and LTR, you are feeling the natural tendencies of wanting to "make up" too quickly. To "break-up" is a serious affair and one that I think you have been contemplating for a while. Focus on why you feel this way, work to build a better you and activately become aware of how and where your body feels when you ask yourself "Am I just missing him? "Am I longing for him?" Or, "Am I feeling lonely?" You will feel pulls in different places. Once you discover this, it is an amazing relief to finally "sense" what your innerself is yearning. It the starting point of your self discovery and the official stepping point of your healing journey.

 

Embrace the solitude, accept it and let go. Trust us. You are young, vibrant, intelligent, and have the opportunity to explore so many facets of yourself.

[strawberries789]

Thank you to everyone for your posts. I appreciate it so much. I can't tell you how good it feels to come online and see that people actually care how I'm feeling even though you guys don't know me "personally".

 

Your posts are really making a difference in my life.

 

Standingby, THANK YOU for your post. I feel like you know me, everything you described is so true. Your post just lifted my spirits, and I want you to know that. Because of your post, I can now go back to my studying. I have 3exams coming up for school (I am in med school).

 

This morning, I could barely get out of bed. I woke up with this empty feeling inside my heart. I told myself, that I just wanted to die and not feel this pain anymore. But you guys have made such a difference for me. I don't feel alone, when I read your posts.

 

I now keep telling myself that I am intelligent, kind and a good person, and that it wasn't all my fault that the relationship didn't work out.

It just hurts me because I look back and realize how much I have done for my ex, how I helped him get a job/graduate school/become independent. The many times, I was there for him to run his errands/help him with his work/support him emotionally/financially and I realize not only how much he took me for granted but that I am a caring/generous person, and of course I'm going to be hurt. Sorry, I don't mean to rant/rehash again, but I must admit, it does feel good to be able to write on this site knowing that that people reading it will understand how I feel and will actually care.

 

I love you guys. Thank you.

[need2bme]

should i just cry myself to sleep...why can't i just sleep and never wake up again...

 

You don't wanna do that.

 

Listen, I woke up all the time with that feeling that my stomach had been kicked in. I would have weird dreams and then could not get back to sleep. There is a time of mourning and you are in it.

 

You wanna know what the coolest part is? We ALL went through it and we ARE ALL STILL HERE. I think about the short stint with the last ex fling. Sure it only lasted a short while, but what a WHILE it was.

 

It helped me realize a lot about me and a lot about my feelings for the ex. I still care about my ex, but I don't love her and I realize that. I realize too that I stayed with her, 'cause I did not want to be alone.

 

Realize that only you can make you truly happy.

 

This does get better and if you allow it, it will make you better...(sorry, but I just love ending posts with the 3 dot thing)

[bigheart09]

strawberries789, first of all, I want to say that you are strong for ending a 5 year relationship because you knew it wasnt good for you. My bf just broke up with me and I totally understand how you feel. I know we are not meant for each other, but I never had the strength to end it. Now, here I am anyway, heartbroken anyway.

 

Being on ENA has helped me so much. I see that other people are going through the same thing and have survived. Stay strong.

[strawberries789]

Hi Everyone,

 

Thank you for the continued support. I appreciate it soooo much!

 

I am not completely healed, its only been 2 weeks NC but when I think with my head I realize that this is the right thing...when I start to think with my heart, I get weak and miss him like crazy.

 

I keep thinking, that maybe he hates me, maybe he's moved on to someone else...maybe he fell out of love with me a long time ago...I shouldn't think these things...it doesn't matter one way or another anyways right? It's over. I have to put a period and move on with my life...

 

Sorry...this post is more of a vent...

 

I want to just run back into his arms...and hear him say 'i love you'...but i know that will only bring me temporary relief, but in the long term it won't do me any good...and sooner or later I will end up right where I started again...

[strawberries789]

i'm starting to panic...i just read some of the other posts and i am now beginning to think..is the reason why i felt my ex was so cold/callous/distant towards the end of our relationship, b/c he fell out love with me? b/c he fell in love with someone else?

 

why can't i just get over this and move oN????????? why why why

 

damn it

why

 

does he still love me? does it even matter?

why am i so pathetic

[Ellie2006]

S,

 

Breathe. Don't panic.

You are NOT pathetic.

What you're going through are all very natural.

 

I do want to point out one thing: you cannot find answers to why your relationship turned out the way it did based on what you read on other people's posts. Just as your relationship was specific to your context, theirs is as well, wouldn't you say?

 

Yes, it is VERY HELPFUL to read and learn from what other people are going through and from their wisdom. BUT unless you have *real* reason to suspect your ex of cheating, I would not even go there ...

 

It's rough, I know.

S, hang in there.

 

Hugs,

Ellie

[Ellie2006]

S,

I love what Standingby says in this post.

 

Read it again, if you can, especially the part that says "You are young, vibrant, intelligent, and have the opportunity to explore so many facets of yourself [... This] is the starting point of your self discovery and the official stepping point of your healing journey."

 

Stay strong S!

[strawberries789]

Thanks Ellie. This place is the ONLY place I can come knowing that others won't judge me about my feelings/insecurities/fears/anger etc.

 

My family/friends never liked my ex. They always thought he was not "good enough" or just wasn't "right" for me. I feel like they are in the "I TOLD YOU SO" mode even though they don't say it. A friend of mine even threatened to not "be there for me" if I decided to go back to my EX. I know that everyone would be so disappointed in me if I went back. They think my ex abused me, emotionally/financially.

 

A couple of our fights even got physical (on both ends...I am just as guilty as him, if not more so). But things got ugly towards the last few months of our relationship. They especially got ugly after he borrowed money from me (a couple hundred dollars) and promised to pay be back but never did. He knows that I'm in med school and have a lot of loans, and he has a full time job now (that I helped/encouraged him to get) but I just don't think he cares. When I told him that he promised to pay me back but never did, and that hurt me b/c it wasn't the money, rather it was the promise that was important to me, he told me I was a bad gf and that I should have helped him financially b/c I have $$ to buy myself clothes, so I should help him too. Mind you, he does have a job and I'm in school.

 

P.S. during the whole time of our relationship, he didn't have a job/money...i used to pay for most things almost all the time , although he did occasionally contribute for our dates and bought me gifts. It wasn't until last year that I continued encouraging (almost forcing him) to get up and get a job that he finally did. again, I did his resume/cover letters/interview prep for him.

 

Anyhow...the only reason why I suspected him of "cheating" (even emotionally cheating) on me is b/c of a pattern of dishonesty/strange behaviour in our relationship. What led to the break-up is that I found out that about 3 years ago, when we got into a fight (over something he did to me), instead of trying to work things out with me and apologize for hurting me so badly (trust me it was bad), he went on an internet dating site to meet ppl. We ended up getting back together after our fight and I never knew about him going to these sites and he never told me about them. I found out about this 2 weeks ago on my own. Anyhow, the point is, I don't know when he stopped going on those dating sites. I don't know how many times he went. But I know he went on them when he was with me (even if we were fighting). There were other little red flags as to his dishonesty about girls/others (i.e. he lied to me about things and then I caught him in the act etc..)

 

Wow...here I go again...ranting/raving about my ex...if anyone had the patience to put up with me and read this, let me know how you feel/what you think...

 

I think my ex had a lot of insecurity issues being with me...he always felt that I would leave him for someone more "educated/established", but all of this time I only wanted to be with him. I think it was his insecurity/dishonesty/callousness that ripped us apart. I loved him more than anyone/anything on this EARTH. i'll miss him dearly for the rest of my life

[silentalways]

well, i am really only doing this tonight because i need to simply let it move out from my thoughts onto the page and it is released - i am at that stage. what was holding me back was my desire to tell all these things to my ex directly - face to face - that's how it is supposed to be done - but sometimes we don't do the right thing [raises hand]

 

i guess what i am really saying thru all this verbal pukefest is that i am done - i do not want to have to discuss this in the manner where i am really simply conversing with myself. previously the realization i was doing that, needing that, made me feel gross and pathetic - in order words, still hard work left to do - now the emotion is not attached to these things, and frankly, i would rather do anything other than this - i have no desire, as i once did, to know and detail everything and with the ex because NC helped me focus what I needed not what I needed to give her or get from her

 

so, if i was to hear from my ex [and she broke up so she calls - i love the idea of rules and boundaries now - makes life easier] i would be able to easily talk, meet - whetever, without any emtional baggage, with the skills i've now learned for myself, and without any expectations and would look forward to that simply because

 

i miss her - she's kewl

 

so, i am not 'thinking' she'll do anything - the facts i do know, where she has identify her possition and validated her identity clearly states she avoids me at all cost

 

so,

 

if i feel like dating, whatever, i will just do it because i am single

 

and she knows me - i am really not complicated when it comes to things like that...when we met i knew what i wanted, when i went after it and when it did the same - equality

 

and it is obvious to those who know me and from reading my posts, my life is better and healthier when i am WITH SOMEONE and if u wanna classify that as co-dependent go ahead works for me [i live my life - not influenced by someone that can't separate their opinion from believing everyone else MUST be the same way

 

anyhoooo, i want to thank everyone for putting up with all this today - ik believe i have now run out of things to discuss relating to ME ME ME

 

so, no more BOOBOOO bananas from the past

 

MERRY BLISS MISS All

 

lol

[Ellie2006]

Strawberry (love the name, btw

 

Sometimes, our loved ones do not understand "bad-mouthing" our exes don't actually make us feel any better.

 

They love us and they feel like our exes mistreated us and are expressing that anger for our sake. Even though we KNOW (and appreciate) their concern, well, sometimes what they say is very hard to hear...

 

So I tell them that this is the case: I am hurting and it does not help to hear you badmouth him. I want you to simply hear me out without criticizing him bc it makes me feel worse for having spent X mos/yrs w/ someone as terrible as you're making him out to be.

 

Anyway, would you agree to the following: there were some incompatibility issues between you guys? Perhaps what your family/friends said about him as *some* merit?

 

Even so, I know that this does not lessen the pain of a break-up.

ALL break-ups suck even ones with those who may not have deserved our love...

[standingby]

I've been in your shoes but the "break-up" happened the night before my organic chemistry midterm. Talk about a mess. Everyone was thinking that I was crying over the test..."the hydrolysis on the the fourth ring of the carbonyl unit beta position dissociated into blah, blah blah Fortunately I tutored O.C and I ended up with a 'C' despite my breakdown. It ain't perfect but for the given circmstances, I took it and happily ran. You've got a few weeks ahead to keep your shoulders erect, chin -up, and brain focused. You are going to kick -some-gluteous maximus and show everyone and yourself that you did this with your own determination, resilience, pride and faith in you.

 

Make sure you pamper yourself, see your off-line friends, exercise, drink plenty of fluids, and take multi-vitamins (come on doc, you know the routine.) You may be experiencing weight-loss from not eating. This is normal but keep it in check. Drink broth or protein shakes if you can't get motivated to eat.

 

Block him with your mental strength-now, more than ever. I'd rather see you "run into the arms" of all the people who will congratulate you and cellebrate your achievements. You have a Winter Break coming -up. You can meltdown, slothdown and pairdown, later. Right now...you need to "get-down" to business and that means studying with a fury, unstoppable attitude and a zealous positive mindset!

[finewhine]

Yup. I broke up with my ex a week before my final papers were due for grad school. I aced them all. You can do it, to. Work through the tears. You'll come out of this feeling way awesome.

[standingby]

Yooo Hooo Strawberry..how are you today? It's my turn to be feeling blue. I'm missing him and I feel those tricuspids and cords of tendae stretching beyond the elasticity of my artrium walls. I also talked to my boss today and it looks like I'll be moving on even sooner than the resignation date I had given previously. I think there is a saying...I don't know what the future holds but I know who holds my future. Me. I just know that in the present I've got to get my resume updated and then we will see what takes shape.

 

So which exams are upcoming? Did you give yourself a hug today? If you haven't smiled today..do it now..and cross your eyes. How's that?

 

Ch..ch..changes. Turn and face the strange. Changes. David Bowie.

[strawberries789]

Standingby,

 

Thanks for your message and for checking up on me...I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling blue today ~hugs~ I hope everything works out with your job too. I like that saying...you hold your future! I have 3 exams coming up for med school (bio, physiological, ethics)...I'm trying to focus...sometimes I'm good, sometimes I'm bad and my mind trails (thinking of the good times and then the bad)..I smile and then I frown and then I'm fuming...ughghgh its frustrating...

 

Today is the 17th day of NC...I have such mixed feelings/emotions...aiyaya...

i miss him one moment/hate him the next/and love him the other...

 

i did smile today though...got my coffee and going to hit the books...

 

message me and let me know how you are feeling too ok?