I did it.

[Batya33]

One quick tip. Get a stack of index cards. On each card write one thing he did that hurt you or was tactless, etc. When you feel weak force yourself to flip through the cards slowly, one by one.

[ImThatGirl]

Good Idea, Batya!

 

I've read through many of my posts here and that has been very helpful.

 

I think I'll do the index cards and put them wherever my phone is.

 

I don't want what he had to offer. So why would I want to contact him anyway. (the silly hopes that he really will change and treat me well.)

[L.J.]

Keep walking East and you ended up West, right from where you started. Hoping attain the same result ... he doesn't change or treat you well. Circuitous journey in most cases are longer than the direct way(nc) for the healing process. You don't deserve to be hurt again.

 

Hang in there ITG.

[Daligal83]

I think Batya had great advice. Maybe it would also help to make a list of things you can do now that you're single. You can take a class in something that interests you. You can go out with your girlfriends without having to check in or worry. You don't have that added stress in your life of a relationship. I think it's good to look at the negatives of your relationship, but also the positivse of your current situation.

[ImThatGirl]

I hate this.

[L.J.]

I hate this.

 

You mean you loathe this? I do too. Hate is such heavy energy for a healing soul. We're with you.

[ImThatGirl]

You mean you loathe this? I do too. Hate is such heavy energy for a healing soul. We're with you.

 

Yes... Thanks, L.J. I loathe this. I never hate anything. But this is pretty close.

[Daligal83]

What's going through your head right now?

[ImThatGirl]

I'm keeping the reasons I did this in mind.

 

But I just miss him. And I don't like this phase. I don't like the thought of us never talking again. I don't really want to let go and now I don't have a choice.

 

Thank you..... I have to run. I'll check in later.

[renaissancewoman101]

Breakups are hard, esp around the holiday season.

 

I wish you luck and good wishes.

[Daligal83]

I know how hard it is to really let go. You can acknowledge all you want that the relationship isn't good for you, but you still care about that person and the idea of them not being around is terrifying. Just remember that the feeling fades as you get used to being without that person again.

 

You're doing great!

[L.J.]

I'm keeping the reasons I did this in mind.

 

But I just miss him. And I don't like this phase. I don't like the thought of us never talking again. I don't really want to let go and now I don't have a choice.

 

Thank you..... I have to run. I'll check in later.

 

Your eyes are peering into the gloom but you're not doomed to crash in the pitch. The reasons you have in your mind will show you the impending light. We all dislike not talking again but it is the idea of them not listening that I disdain. How strange we continue to hanker after, isn't it?

[Dilly]

A quick thought - Is this weird?

 

I couldn't bring myself to change my "Myspace" status to "single." I couldn't bring myself to taking his pictures off.

 

I think I'm having some trouble completely letting go. I don't want him to think that I just determined it was over and forgot all about him?

 

Haven't finished reading the thread, but removing everything now is just ... possibly an advertisement that you're ready to move on... which you're not really. You need time.

[Dilly]

OK, I loathe this too! I loathe the fact that you want to help him through his hardship and are unable to get through to him. DOes he seem like the type inclined to abide by NC? What exactly did you share with him during the breakup conversation? Did he cry? How did he respond? I just loathe this too! I am NOT a strong proponent of NC - so I am probably a drag to positive aspirations when it comes to your struggle. I'm sorry to be blunt, but I am skeptical of it. I just think back to the CRITICAL CONVERSATION thread that you started a while back and remember some of the posts by Scout. I just can't help but wonder... if ... all this was temporary. And ... I guess I also think about your job, your committment to live where you live and I can give some cred to your position. It does almost seem like you could compromise on location if necessary. When things become (if they are ever able) more stable. WHAT DO I KNOW? I'm in a terrible bind with someone because I made the decision to move AFTER pregnancy. Ugggh, not good to put off fundamental differences, to be sure.

[kishimoto]

i'm going through the same thing so i understand.

 

i couldn't change my myspace profile either.

 

i have weak moments were i think i want him back. i guess this is the test.

 

i find it helps to remember why your leaving him. if you go back with him what will it be like...more promises that are just briken???

 

like you said actions count

[ImThatGirl]

Dali, L.J. - Thank you for your support!

 

Dilly - Thank you too, dear! And just a sidenote for you - Even when we are going through our difficult times and unable to walk away, we can see outside of the box clearly when trying to help a friend. It's just so darned hard to walk and keep walking!

 

Kishi - Still haven't changed my myspace, neither has he.

 

And an update. I've failed miserably. Found out yesterday the engine on my car is blown. J told me a couple weeks ago he thought it was about done. We talked about my car and what I'm going to do about it yesterday. I sent him a msg "I miss you" last night. This morning he responded "Mileage just rolled over 70K." Regarding his car. He's now driving from home to work which is a much further drive than from my place. Blah. He's so one set minded.

 

Last night I did feel a bit better even with all the chaos about my car. I actually cleaned house and started re-organizing. For the past week, I've been exhausted and didn't do as much as I needed to around the house. I only had the energy to focus and enjoy my children! My house is now in order... And I feel much better..!

 

Thank you everyone. I know I'm not being as strong as I need to be but I'm not exhausted anymore which will help me be stronger.

[ImThatGirl]

Missed a couple of your questions, Dilly.

 

He and I had a big talk Thursday night about how things aren't working. A week ago. I made it clear that we had to find a way to stop the pattern that we've been repeating constantly. Get along, him get upset with me for stupid things, him withdraw, both of us get mad, eventually discuss issue, make up, get along, and start all over again.

 

Friday night, we got upset with each other. Something stupid - him commenting J Aniston would be his free pass. And then another comment about another girl. I just think that's disrespectful. So I was a little upset. But not terribly so. So we get home (after shopping / kids were with family,) and he goes straight to bed. No goodnight... Then we wake up and he ignores me for the first 3 hours of our day. Basically repeat of the pattern I want to break.

 

After a few attempts to talk to him and him being unresponsive, I told him I didn't want to do this anymore, I was done.

 

He started packing his bags and was gone in 10 minutes. He "looked" upset. There was no discussion from he or myself. It was fairly painless. I was set that I was done. Didn't expect him to pick up and leave. Stood my ground as to not repeat the past of me stating it and then saying I didn't mean it.

 

That's how it all went.

[Dilly]

Wow! That's not very fun dealing with a dud! And yeah, how frustrating that would all be. Sorry about the car.

[dnozzle]

Friday night, we got upset with each other. Something stupid - him commenting J Aniston would be his free pass. And then another comment about another girl. I just think that's disrespectful. So I was a little upset. But not terribly so.

 

 

That's spooky. That is one of the things my GF and I were fighting about too that last week we spoke. She was saying how any Dallas Cowboys quarterback would always be on her free pass list, and asked who was on mine. I told her I didn't have one, because I only wanted her, and found the whole concept disgusting.

 

What is it about this time of year that makes people be mean to each other like that?

[Dilly]

It's just a destructive conversation, you know? I mean, I don't have anybody on my "free pass" list. Not knowingly anyway.

[dnozzle]

I agree that it is very destructive. She said she was saying it as a joke (as in "like either of us would ever get the chance") but I didn't see it that way at all because there was really seriously no one I would rather be with than her, and I was hurt that she didn't feel the same way.

 

I think it goes back to an episode of "friends" where they go into the whole list issue. Lots of people I know made up lists after that episode, and I always found it very tacky.

[ImThatGirl]

Yep - J sited a "friends" episode and also a couple of radio dj's.

 

I told J that he found the perfect way to make me feel inadequate. I don't have a problem with guys (or girls) noting "that person is beautiful - that person is hot..." But, she'd be my free pass. Bleh - don't tell me you think about "that" with anyone else! Even if it is just a fantasy and clearly impossible.

 

hehe - Now this is mean. I so wanted to say this just to get at him. "Well my friend x would be my free pass but you know it's impossible - i'd never do it bec I'm with you and want to be with you...."

 

I DID NOT SAY THAT. (just a mean thought during our discussion...)

[dnozzle]

hehe - Now this is mean. I so wanted to say this just to get at him. "Well my friend x would be my free pass but you know it's impossible - i'd never do it bec I'm with you and want to be with you...."

 

 

I swear we must share a brain or something. When A pushed me to come up with a list of my own, I finally did and filled it with women I had an actual shot at nailing, like girls I actually KNOW, friends of hers, etc. She didn't seem to understand why my list looked like it did until I explained to her that if she was seriously about opening our relationship up to such BS, then I was going to make the most out of it.

 

She said I can be way too literal at times.

[L.J.]

I DID NOT SAY THAT. (just a mean thought during our discussion...)

 

You contended your ground with grace and respect. I'm glad you didn't say that. You would have taught him by example that it's okay to be disrespectful for making you feel inadequate. That is graceful. By not expressing your mean thought, you are reluctant to bring yourself to his level of disrespect ..... That's respectful.

[ImThatGirl]

You contended your ground with grace and respect. I'm glad you didn't say that. You would have taught him by example that it's okay to be disrespectful for making you feel inadequate. That is graceful. By not expressing your mean thought, you are reluctant to bring yourself to his level of disrespect ..... That's respectful.

 

Thank you, L.J., for saying so.

 

There are so many times that I've imagined what I could do or say to explain how his actions or words make me feel. Truth is, I just can't imagine saying/doing those things to anyone I care about.