REALLY Annoyed by Friend's Inability to get over ex

[Iggy5129]

Ok, this may sound terrible but I am so beyond annoyed with one of my best friends for not being able to get over her jerk of an ex-boyfriend. They dated in HIGH SCHOOL, we are now juniors in college. I know how she feels, I had a really hard time getting over my high school bf but I still did it. She cannot date anyone else because of this and just hooks up with people and is unhappy about it. They have a long history, have been family friends for many many years so I understand why she would want to remain friends with him, but she does not even take time away from being in contact/obsessing over him so that they can be friends.

 

Like recently, on his school's website there was an article posted about him and she would not stop talking about it and reading it. She even forced me to read it, she has read it probably 20 times since she found it. Why was she even able to find it in the first place?? She has been doing better, not contacting him but he also contacts her. It is so annoying, he has been dating a girl for a year and he still won't allow herself to get over him. It pisses me off so much.

 

I love this girl, she is definitely one of my best friends and it just makes me sad that she will not stick up for herself and just deal with the breakup. She is positive they are meant to be together, but what if they are really meant to just be friends? Both me and another one of our friends have told her NOT to mention him to us because no matter what we say she still obesses and won't get over it. I want to be there for her, but any advice we might give she argues with as to why he is not that bad. What can I do to help her in this situation? I am trying to be a good friend and in all other aspects I believe I am, but this is starting to drive me crazy.

[guest2345]

I know how she feels

 

No.... you know how you feel - you don't know how she feels. She only knows how she feels. And in my opinion, this is just one opinion and only mine - being a friend sometimes means going through the rough times with friends who love us. Even when they are annoying as all get out.

 

Some breakups people can get over with easily, some they can't - no one can tell someone or expect someone just to get over it in the same time that it took them to get over their own breakups. One day, you may be in her shoes and might need support. I guess it all just depends on circumstances and the person.

 

I don't know, I guess if it bothers you this much and you've mentioned it to her but it still bothers you that she's upset about it and won't stop talking about it... the only other option is not to be her friend. If it's that bad for you I mean. But then again...is it worth loosing your friendship over?

 

**Idea!!** Why don't you delete this message and steer her over to this web site. That way she could post as much as she wanted whatever she wanted and find the support she seems to be looking for. Or at least other people who are going through and more understanding of her emotions and feelings at this time.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I think you are your friends should get to the root of this problem and that is he still contacts her. He gives that shred of hope that one day they will get back together. Perhaps you and your friends can have an semi-intervention. Like get together and come up with a plan to discourage your friend from taking his calls, emails, texts, etc from the ex. Then once you come up with a plan, go to your friend and discuss how to get her ex out of her system once and for all.

 

For example, if he calls while you are all together, encourage her to IGNORE that call. Tell her she has to be strong, she can do it. That kind of thing. This is a habit and habits can be broken. I truly believe once she ignores his calls and so forth, she will be on the path of recovery.

 

It also appears your friend places her self-worth and value by being in a relationship. That in itself can hinder a person's ability to move on from an ex. Perhaps give her a boost and help her like herself. I know it can get frustrating when a friend is hung up on an ex but it is important to get to the root of the issue and work from there.

 

I wish you all the luck.

[flower99]

I don't know, I guess if it bothers you this much and you've mentioned it to her but it still bothers you that she's upset about it and won't stop talking about it... the only other option is not to be her friend. If it's that bad for you I mean. But then again...is it worth loosing your friendship over?

 

**Idea!!** Why don't you delete this message and steer her over to this web site. That way she could post as much as she wanted whatever she wanted and find the support she seems to be looking for. Or at least other people who are going through and more understanding of her emotions and feelings at this time.

 

Hey that's a good idea!!! send her to this website so she can talk to others about it, and maybe less to you

 

besides that, I can't think of anything else you can do. You've told you it bothers her, she continues... the only other option is stop hanging out with her.

 

I'm sure others will have some good advice, hopefully more of a help than I can be.

But to me, it seems there is nothing more you can do about it. As long as she believes they are meant to be than she isn't willing to let him go. As much as it would be best for her to let go & move on. She doesn't want to. If she is unwilling, everything you attempt to do or say will be unsuccessful.

[BellaDonna]

I've been there before, and yes, it is extremely annoying when a friend acts this way. There is nothing worse than seeing a person you care about become self-destructive and date someone who treats them badly. It's even worse when they pine over them, obsess over them, and see them through rose-colored glasses once they break up. When my friends break up with people who treat them badly I secretly rejoice. But you have to be sensitive and empathetic to what they are feeling. It really does hurt for them and their feelings are valid.

 

The only good thing is that with TIME, it will get better. Your friend is just going through a rough period right now- but she'll bounce back. She will see the situation for what it truly is sooner or later (hopefully sooner). Until then, you have to let her lean on you a bit. If you ever need the same from her, I'm sure she'll be there for you. That's what friendship is all about.

 

If she talks about her ex too much try to change the subject. Try to keep her distracted from that topic in general.

 

BellaDonna

[flower99]

How long has it been since the break up???

 

I always thought time was the answer. Than I heard on a talk show recently (yeah I know...cheezy lol) but something they said stood out, it really made sense to me & helped me understand why some move on faster than others (aside from the obvious, being different situations & people)

 

But anyways. They said,Time doesn't heal anything - It's what you do with the time that allows you to heal.

 

I totally agree with Bella

"There is nothing worse than seeing a person you care about become self-destructive and date someone who treats them badly. It's even worse when they pine over them, obsess over them.."

 

Try what bella said about changing the topic whenever she talks about him, distract her from that topic & put her focus on something healthier for her.

[Juliana]

You've gotten good advice here. For whatever reason, you've gotten obsessed with your friend's inability to move on in a way or a time frame you would consider reasonable. Although she and he seem to have some sort of budding friendship, and she is mourning the end of the romantic relationship, you want her to do things differently and respond more in the way you would; perhaps by not contacting him or speaking to him when he contacts her. Those are not the choices she wants to make, however.

 

You are actually contributing to her problem by arguing with her about how she should respond and how she should feel. This is called "invalidating" the other person's experience -- remember, only she knows exactly how she feels; she is a different person, with a right to her feelings -- and invalidating someone else's feelings when they are very hurt can really cause the grieving process to take forever to resolve. What you are doing is similar to telling a widow to "just get over" her dead husband. She loved him, she invested hope in the relationship, and now she is trying to adjust, and mourn. That's her right. There's nothing wrong with her.

 

I think right now you are not such a healthy friend for her to be around, and you should give her some distance until you feel you can listen empathetically and overcome your desire to tell her how to handle this.

[flower99]

and now she is trying to adjust, and mourn. That's her right. There's nothing wrong with her.

 

Totally agree!

However It doesn't sound like she is adjusting or mourning. It sounds like she's living in the past & dreaming of the future with him. Believing they are still going to be together.....

 

Similar to the widow thinking her husband is still alive & married. It's unhealthy if she continued to believe that long after the death..

 

there comes a point where she just has to let go...

[Honey Pumpkin]

I had a friend who was obsessed with this guy who was treating her badly, and eventually they broke up. After about a year, I got so tired that he was all we ever talked about. I read some advice in a magazine about cutting off this support, and so what I did was be very upfront - I said we could talk about him for 30 minutes, but that was all. I refused to analyse him over after hour. It kind of worked - she had some space to talk, but she couldn't obsess over him all the time when she was with me.

 

Good luck.

[Juliana]

"However It doesn't sound like she is adjusting or mourning. It sounds like she's living in the past & dreaming of the future with him. Believing they are still going to be together.....

 

Similar to the widow thinking her husband is still alive & married. It's unhealthy if she continued to believe that long after the death..

 

there comes a point where she just has to let go..."

 

Yes, but she is the one who decides when that is....Only she knows whether or not she believes that they will ever be together again. Living in the past and surrounding oneself with mementos and memories of the person you loved is part of grieving; stopping before you're ready is a recipe for unending grief. She needs to really let loose and get more into the grief process, not less. If her friends can help her with this, even better, but this is what she has to do.