A dillema- Please help- I need advice

[Anastasia_Mixali]

Ok, when I was 13 (2001), I went to stay at my uncle's house in upstate Illinois, because my gramma was dying of cancer. My mom was always at the hospital, and my brother and cousin were always playing monopoly. I hung out with their dog outside. I walked accross to the other end of their feild and was playing on the trampoline. I heard a couple boys screaming. I was a little punk back then, so I yelled, shutup you idiots. They yelled back, and walked over accross the feild. It was the Arrends boys. 2-13 year-old identical twins, Brad and Donnie, and their little brother, Kyle. Donne was hilrious, but Brad was amazing. He was fun, cool, tough, and extremely good looking (tan, blond, beautiful blue eyes). We instantly hit it off. All three of them and my brother and cousing and me all hung out all day for the entire week. I then returned to Texas. 2 months later, my father killed himself. Obviously, I was completely empty and lost, and in so much pain I felt numb. One month after that, it was Thanksgiving, and we went up to my uncle's house again (he's my mom's older brother). The entire family was over, so no one noticed I sneaked out to hang out with the same dog. Then Brad saw me, and came over and we talked. I told him my dad died, and he told me his sister had died a couple years ago. We talked aout how different our parents were after losing someone, and how scary it was to be so depressed. We were young, but I really felt a connection with him. One day, he came over to play monopoly, and I went into the attic to get a board game. He came up after me, and I had my first kiss. He used his tongue, and it was so cool, we kept sneaking off throughout the 4 days I was in town, kissing everywhere. I liked it when he would rub his feet against my legs whenever we sat at a table. The day before I was leaving, he asked my to be his girlfriend. I said of course, but I still had to go home. I cried on the plane going home. We chatted online a couple times, but we haven't spoken in 4.5 years. Whenever I see my cousin (who goes to high school with them), she says Brad still asks about me (including just 3 months ago).

 

Here's the problem-I'm going back up to my uncle's house for the first time since those many years ago in 1.5 weeks. A couple days ago, my mom said, "I don't care if you see those friends of yours, but don't go to their house, Ashley (my cousin) sid their mom is weird." I quickly replied, "I'm not going there to see them, I wanna see Uncle David" (which is true). However, the closer it gets to us going, the more I keep thinking about Brad. Does he have a girlfriend? (I have NEVER had a boyfriend since our very breif and intense relationship). I'm 18 now, and I know I sound like a pathetic weirdo, but I still get goosebumps when I think of him. Deep down (and I mean deeeeep down) I think I always kind of thought we might be soulmates. (does that sound dorky?) I now it was just puppy love, but no one has ever made me feel the way he did. And, I have never been as attracted to anyone as I was to him.

 

Should I avoid him while I'm there, if I see him, should I keep it just as friends? What if he thinks I'm ugly? Has anyone else ever felt this way? I have never written or spoken of this, no one knows about our kissing-NO ONE!!!!

 

I have goosebumps and chills just typing and reliving it. PLease help- I literally have no one to talk to about this

[arwen]

Well, first of all you don't know how YOU would feel about the Brad that he is now. The fact that he's still inquiring after you shows that what happened 4 years ago had a deep impact on him, but doesn't necessarily mean that he's looking for a relationship with you. I'd simply arrange to meet him there, after all he has NOT forgotten you! Whether it will be a friendship or more than that, that will depend on two things: if you still get those goosebumps for him and vice versa. I think it's more important to focus on YOUR feelings when you see him and try not to re-create too much what happened back then. You were young teenagers then, and I think a lot can change in a person in four years, in particular between 12 and 20 (also between 20 and 25 as I have noticed for myself! )

 

Good luck, and try to go with the flow!

 

Ilse