Do you ever stop thinking about it?

[Daligal83]

I don't know if I'm going to be able to explain this right..so bare with me...

 

A little over a year ago I broke up with my ex-boyfriend for the second time. A brief rundown, we started dating in October of 2003, broke up in January of 2005, starting to "casually date" (his term) two weeks later until that summer when we became "official" again, and then I dumped him in September/October of 2005.

 

Our relationship was great for maybe 3-4 months, at which time he started to display some not so great qualities that kept getting worse and worse. I believe he was emotionally abusive and manipulative. He would degrade any accomplishments I had (told me that honor societies were pointless because anyone could get in each time I made it into one, meanwhile he wasn't getting into any), refused to spend time with my friends, didn't like me getting close to his friends, got jealous over me spending time with ANYONE else (including family), constantly made fun of how I ran my club, made Jewish jokes all the time (I love a good Jewish joke but his weren't funny and he refused to stop when I asked), made fun of me all the time and wouldn't stop when I asked, would tell me that he could cheat on me and I'd never find out, would tell me that if we broke up he would find someone faster than I would, etc. These are just the things that I can remember.

 

I finally broke it off because I moved to a new city for graduate school (something he never supported and always tried to make me feel guilty for) and his behavior was worse than ever. The breaking point was when I had to get off the phone and he goes "Fine! Just dismiss me like you always do! Just f*** off!!!" That was it for me.

 

I saw him two times since we broke up. The first time he had just broken up with a girl he liked the first time we broke up. I asked if he was in love with her and he told me that he's not sure, if he isn't it's the closest he's ever been. That floored me. He told me he loved me after 2 weeks together and we always said it. He also had two long term relationships before me. I told him this and he said that each love is different. Later on he told me that he still had strong feelings for me. The next time I saw him he was acting like he had changed and wanted to try again. We ended up kissing, but I was very uncomfortable. When I returned back to school, he went MIA. I was pissed off because I felt manipulated again and decided I was done. He IMed me once since then but when he saw that I went home without telling him, we haven't talked since.

 

Now to my question...I am definitely over him. I fell out of love with him while we were still together. I have moved on and am extremely happy and in love. My current relationship is so healthy and wonderful. I consider myself very lucky. However, I can't stop thinking about all the horrible things my ex said to me throughout our relationship. I don't know if it's me being bitter or being angry still, but it bothers me that I still think about it. I have no desire to talk to my ex or see him, but those thoughts just won't go away. Is this normal? He was my first relationship and I know people always say you never forget your first, but it's not like I'm thinking of him in a good way. Any input?

[annie24]

can you go to counseling services at your grad school? there are usually counseling sessions provided for free. I think maybe trying to work out some of that previous hurt would be good.

[Daligal83]

If I were reading this as someone else's post, I'd probably suggest the same thing. I don't know how much it would help right now though. I'm in the field..I have a bachelors in psychology and I'm getting my Master's in social work. I know a lot of the techniques and what they would try to do with me. I just feel like it's not something that is necessarily intrusive on my life. It's not holding me back from achieving what I want to achieve or from forming healthy relationships. I think my problem is that I haven't forgiven him and that has held me back. I try to tell myself that I should because it's only hurting myself and he's not mentally healthy (whole other story that I didn't include). I don't know why I can't though. I also don't know if it's normal to still think about it, or if by now I shouldn't have any thoughts of it at all.

[southerngirl]

In time youll think about it less and less. I think that it has made you stronger. You walked away, way to go!

 

My first love, father of my 9 year old, and ex..... he was abusive to me. Over time, I dont think about it as much but for the longest time I did. Now when I do think of him it is with a certain indifference. If anything he showed me what I wouldnt put up with and through that experiance I learned I can stand up for myself.

 

I think in time youll come to a peace with it all, if you can find a way to forgive him for all he did, thats one step toward letting it all go. Its not about telling him he is forgiven, or even telling anyone for that matter. Its just letting it go from within yourself. Youll find that time can help you do that, if you want it to.

[Daligal83]

If anything he showed me what I wouldnt put up with and through that experiance I learned I can stand up for myself.

 

I try to look at it like this too. It was a learning experience, so I don't necessarily regret it. It has made me stronger, because it brought to my awareness that I let people walk all over me at times. I had to learn to stand up for myself, which I am still working on. It also lets me appreciate my boyfriend in a way I wouldn't otherwise be able to. Just the fact that he asks how my day went, compliments me, cares about who I really am, etc...it's amazing to me. I try to take the good things out of a bad situation. Some days are just better than others. I mean I definitely can go for days without even thinking about it, but it's still consistent.

[annie24]

However, I can't stop thinking about all the horrible things my ex said to me throughout our relationship. I don't know if it's me being bitter or being angry still, but it bothers me that I still think about it.

 

ok, this is just a total wild guess.... but is it possible that these thoughts are going through your head because of some troubles in your other parts of life? ie, if you are going through a lot of stress in school, and your professors are telling you your work isn't good enough, it makes sense that you would be wondering if what your ex said was true....

[Daligal83]

That's such a good point annie! I don't feel confident a lot since I moved here. Sometimes on an academic level, but mostly in a social/personal level. I haven't found many people that I feel truly get me and accept me here. I was definitely a little depressed last year. I'm much better this year, but I have my bad days. Even though I don't believe the specific things he would say to me, it had to have affected me in some way. I know I'm very aware of money and what my parents spend on me because he made a comment once that I flaunt it (not at all true, his family had more money than mine ever did). That's such a great point.

[scarew]

Try deflecting your thoughts. It has only been a year or so, it is normal to still have lingering thoughts. But try not to give him that much credit. He doesn't deserve to be in your thoughts. By letting his A-holeness get to you, you are letting him win, and giving him what he wants. Focus on YOU. YOU made the right decision and are still making great decisions for your life. Focus on your self esteem and sureness of self. That way next time he pops into your head, you will be able to laugh him off like the idiot he is, rather than taking what he said to heart. It will happen, you won't feel this way forever. Promise.

[Luck of the Irish]

Why would you ever want to forget it? Use his actions as a compass for your own morality. Look at what he did and say "I will never do these things to another person, because they were done to me." Reflect on it in a way to better your relationship now, instead of looking back with bitterness and anger. No counseling needed. But that's just me.

[rmpavlock]

It is a learning experience, isn't it? I think once you are in something like that, once you get out and you regain some of that confidence, it's unlikely you will make that same mistake again. It's something to look out for in other people, and you can have a stronger idea of who you are and what you will and will not put up with. I don't think it's something you should forget, but it is something you need to move on from. I think that takes time, and it's natural to feel angry after you are away from it and start thinking back on it.

[nins2]

I have the same problem. The things my ex said to me still hurt bad. However, he used to insult my weight and looks and now I look way better. He actually has pushed me to look way better (other people have noticed). i weight only 110 pounds now and am working out. his negative words make me want to excel and be the best. Try it out. think about the bad things he said and do positive things with it.

[Juliana]

Well, if you can take any benefit from a relationship with someone who criticizes you, that would be it, I guess.

 

However, Dali, from what you've written, I think you were involved with a narcissist; if not a full-on narcissist, then definitely someone with tendencies. You are obviously intelligent, but lack self-assertiveness; that's like a mating call to a narcissist -- someone with great qualities who can't defend themselves. And at first, everything is fine. And then suddenly, it isn't, and not just your actual faults will be criticized -- as if anyone needs that -- but your successes will be as well, because narcissists are very envious people. The more successful you become, the more unbearable it is for them to compare themselves to you.

 

And love? Well, yes, he probably loved you. But the thing about narcissists is they only see what's in front of them. He probably doesn't remember the feeling of love for you, so every serious relationship he's in or obsessing on will be the "only time" he's ever been in love. Don't take it seriously.

 

When you think of the relationship, see him as someone who has a disability that affected his ability to communicate his true feelings to you. Don't take what he said about you to heart, unless it was something you agreed to be true. Don't use his standards to measure your self-worth, because his standards are out of whack.

[Daligal83]

Hey sorry, I saw the last couple comments kinda late! haha. I completely agree with what you guys said. Logically, I know that he has problems. I advised him to get therapy when we broke up. I actually said to him that he has really low self-esteem and he was trying to bring me down with him. He told me that he got therapy, but who knows if it's actually true. Either way, he stayed detrimental to me. After my first semester of grad school I got a 3.8 something and when I told him his response was, "that's it?" Riiight. I know he does it to make himself feel better, but he touched on things that I can be self-conscious about. I guess those are the things that have stayed with me. Luckily I'm in a great relationship now where I actually do feel good about myself, so that has been helping a lot. Plus I started to realize all this once I got away from him. Sometimes it just comes back though.

 

Thanks for all your helpful replies

[annie24]

wow. he sounds like a real jerk. 3.8 is an AWESOME GPA! I am glad you have a good boyfriend now. Your ex has his own problems. Where is HIS 3.8 GPA?

[MOO1607307504]

It's post traumatic stress and it's very normal after an abusive relationship!. My therapist told me the more I focus on ME and making new healthy friendships and filling my life with new hobbies, the smaller these things will become. It may take you a couple of years or longer to reach that stage. But rest assured it is normal.

[Daligal83]

Annie, he never got near that kind of GPA. I heard that the next year he was bragging about how well he did in graduate school. He was taking one class at a time. There's nothing wrong with that..it's just that his perception of the world is so off. Anyway, you were right on the ball when you said that it gets worse when I'm stressed. Now that I'm on break, I barely think of him. I'm just enjoying being home with my family, boyfriend and friends and it's great. Good call!

 

Moo-thanks for assuring me that it's normal It's good to know that I'm not the only one reacting in this way.