Feeling belittled

[blackpanther]

Hey, this may be a little long, but I'll try and keep it as short as I can.

 

For a little backround, I've been dating my SO for about a year and 4 months. We've had a lot of problems and it's been a bumpy road. We have almost broken up a number of times mainly due to the fact that we have fought a lot and we weren't very happy eachother.

 

I don't usually come on forums to get help because in a way I believe that how could other people, especially strangers be objective since there is no way that anyone could know the full story in detail. Obviously I am here because I am hurting so the story I give is my point of view and quite biased. However, I just feel so alone and desperate to gain ANY insight or helpful advice. And I don't have many girlfriends really that I'm close enough to talk to about this. The one guy friend who would talk to me and give me advice likes me, so obviously he would want my boyfriend and I to break up.

 

So... here goes.

 

First of all, our relationship started on mistrust. I never thought it would be an issue, but it is now. You see, I met him one summer and he had a girlfriend. I was filled in that he was decided whether to break up with his current gf or get with this other girl who he knew that he liked and she liked him back. Well, when this other girl was gone away, he met me. We were instantly attracted to eachother and he forgot about this 'other girl'. Eventually I started dating him... while he was still with his ex. He broke up with her about a week later since she was away as well and couldn't tell her before then. They were also on a break at this point.

 

So here's what we're fighting about right now.

 

He just started university this year. And we all know that in University you meet a lot of new people and party(if that's what you're into which my SO is). Well, it hasn't been much of a problem. He's made lots of new friends and a lot of which are women. It didn't bother me... well, it did in the tiny littlest bit, but I would never mention it to him. So then he told me last week that there was this 4 day party hosted by his university and that he planned to go to it. This caused me instant fear. It has always kind of been in the back of my mind that if he decided he met me and dated me by cheating on his ex, then couldn't he do it again? I just kept trying to not think about it and push those thoughts away.

 

The thing is, my other friends who are at Uni told me about these parties... such as how everyone is flirting with eachother and how everyone hugs one another and my friends themselves hooked up with numerous people at these things. In their words: Basically this 4 days party is to just find hookups and flirt a lot. So that makes me REALLY scared.

 

But here's the thing... obviously I mistrust him somewhat... but even if I DID trust him completely, I still wouldn't want him going. I know I wouldn't. It's 4 days of partying. I'm not invited(please be noted that... I want to hang out with his friends and meet them but as of yet, I only see him when we're alone...) and I feel left out.

 

He told me that since he wants to go, and it's his first uni party, he does't care if I'm upset and he's going. That's the final word. He said if I could logicaly give him GOOD reasons he might reconsider it. But he said that my trust issues and me just 'not liking' it isn't good enough.

 

The thing is... the way he talks to me, he makes me feel like he doesn't care at all if he ever does anything that upsets me.

 

Also, I should point out that during this 4 day party, they will most likely be going clubbing. And yet, as of now he refuses to ever go clubbing with me. I've been asking him to, just once(because he's never been) to go with me and see how it is. But he refuses. Yet he told me if they do go clubbing for the party, he will be going. It just makes me feel so small and unimportant.

 

It's been a common theme for me to feel this way. Another example is that last week my friend was perfroming for charity at this bar. She really wanted me to go and the other person I could have gone with backed out on me. My boyfriend told me that he couldn't go out or drink until his exams were over because he had SO much studying to do.

 

So then yesterday he told me that he was going to a bar on Friday with his friends from school.

 

He told me it's because he didn't have as much homework and that he wanted to go so I could have a chance to hang out with his friends. Yes, that part is nice. I just don't understand why last week when it was something he didn't really want to do, he said he couldn't go out again because he had to study yet this week, because his friends asked him, he suddenly had time. Maybe I'm just paranoid. So I got a tiny bit upset and so he told me instead of going to his house for supper, he's just drop me off at home because: "I would rather do homework, than spend time with you when you're upset"... which can make sense, but I wasn't planning on actually having a full-on fight about it or continuing to be angry... I was about to forget about it....I don't understand...

 

Anyway, basically I feel unimportant and belitted. He is very logical and not emotional. I'm very emotional but I do try to be logical. He tells me he wants a gf who is understanding, implying I am not which makes me feel bad and that he doesn't want me. I feel like I'm dirt.

 

The thing is, I only feels these ways during fights... I don't feel that way when we're happy. It's wonderful when we're happy. I don't want to let go of him because I LOVE him so much. But sometimes I feel like I'm masochistic because I stay with him even though he can really hurt me. (not physically but emotionally). But when we're happy it's the best thing I've ever felt. It's like we're just one person when things are great.

 

I don't know what to do anymore... I don't know if it IS me who is just paranoid and making fights over nothing or if I'm ever justified. He makes me so confused. Any help please....

[Beec]

First, welcome to enotalone. Please stick around.

 

Some of what you wrote worries me, some of it doesn't, some of it you just have to accept.

 

He met you and began seeing you before he had "officially" broken up with someone else, although they were on "break" at the time, is that correct? Well, either way or not, you need to accept it. He cannot change it, so take it of leave it, and him with it.

 

His going to parties and such, and you don't want him to go, that to me, makes you seem like you are trying to control him, because you do not feel secure about him. If he is going to cheat, he is going to cheat based on how he feels. If not he is not,then he is not. You trying to control his behavior because of how you feel, that would make him more likely to not want you. He needs to have a life independent of you, he should have a normal college or university existence, and if you try to stop him, he will not want to be with you. Let him go, hope for the best.

 

Him not wanting to go places and do things with you, you not meeting his friends, that begins to worry me. he should want to make you happy, he should want to go and do things with you, sometimes, simply because you want to. If it is all about what he wants to do, then I'd be ready to put my foot down, if I were you.

[rose2summer]

Wow, this guy just screams bad news.

 

The core of the problem is that he was dating you through cheating on his ex.

 

Sure, he will want to try that again, it worked with you right?

 

I find it very troublesome he wants to go clubbing but refuses to go with you.

 

It makes it seem like he wants to keep you hidden away and have his fun on the side.

 

You may want to rethink being with this guy because he seems to like to move around between women and doesn't make you a priority in his life.

 

Hugs, ROse

[kellbell]

Hey blackpanther and welcome to eNotAlone.

 

This is not a very encouraging post but please bear with me...much of what you have written has red flags everywhere.

 

"First of all, our relationship started on mistrust."

 

Right here, this is a problem. How can a healthy and thriving relationship have ANY kind of mistrust, especially in the very beginning? Trust is the most fundemental ingrediant in a relationship, without it, how can a relationship survive and thive?

 

"Eventually I started dating him... while he was still with his ex. He broke up with her about a week later since she was away as well and couldn't tell her before then. They were also on a break at this point."

 

Another issue, this speaks for both of your characters'. Sorry. He cheated on his girlfriend and you helped in the process. How is that fair? One thing to remember, if he can do it WITH you, he can do it TO you.

 

"I want to hang out with his friends and meet them but as of yet, I only see him when we're alone...) and I feel left out."

 

RED FLAG!!!! When your signanifcant other keeps you under the radar, it is never a good thing. Either is hiding something or embarressed of you. None of this is a good thing. A person should be proud of his/her partner and want to maybe show him/her off and want that person in that part of his/her life.

"he does't care if I'm upset and he's going. That's the final word."

 

Relationships are about compromise. He is not even willing to meet you halfway nor invite you. This is not a good situation.

 

 

All this other stuff about him clubbing and stuff, well this shows he is not into you or this relationship. He wants to keep you at home, so he has someone to come home to while he goes out and lives it up. He is treating you like because you LETTING him. Either you need to put your foot down and set some boundries or let him go. No one makes you feel inferior or belittled without your permission. The thing is, you are letting him treat you this way.

 

I am sorry things have been hard. I have been too nice in relationships in the past and I got taken advantage of and pushed around. I learned to not stand for it and speak my mind. Also, it is important for you not to get wrapped up in this relationship and losing yourself. Try engaging in your hobbies and hanging out with your friends. It sounds like you are making your boyfriend the center of your life and counting on this relationship to be your life. Relationships should enrich your life.

 

I hope things work out and don't be a stranger around here.

 

(((hugs)))

[blackpanther]

Yes... I know it is controlling. And I don't want to control him or make him feel that way. So only when things REALLY upset me do I mention it upsets me, otherwise I tell myself that I can't tell him what to do. But maybe I'm just not that good at it. I guess sometimes I'm just really scared. He told me he would go anyway, and there's nothing else I can say anyway, so I just shut up about it.

 

I always try to tell myself that if he cheats, he cheats. There's not much I can do about it either way... but I just feel so scared sometimes. I try my hardest not to bring it up. And I try my hardest to tell myself that he won't cheat on me. And most of the time I feel fine. It's really only when I'm feeling insecure and upset with him that it really worries me.

 

Unfortunately a lot of our relationship is about him and what he wants to do. If he doesn't want to do something, he makes up a 'logical excuse'. Either it being family obligations or school obligations or that he is tired. And yes they can all be good excuses but I started to notice a pattern.

 

And to Rose, that is EXACTLY how I feel. I've even said to him: You just want to hide me away and only take notice I'm your gf when you're with just me. I like going out and having fun. I'm understanding in the fact that we have our own friends. For instance, one weekends we reserve one night for us and one night for our friends without eachother. But I don't see why on our "us" night we can't go out with eachother's friends.

 

This has also been a common theme in our relationship. When he's with me, it's always at his house we hang out, or we go out to supper or a movie alone. I like going out and so does he. But he will not go with me. He tells me he's tired and would rather stay at home 'ALL the Time' with a few exceptions like my birthday. And then the next night he will go out with his buddies to a bar. And so I decided okay, we'll switch it up next weekend. I'll see him on Saturday so he's not tired... Well, he went out on Friday night with his friends and then was too hungover to go out with me on Saturday. It's like I can never win.

 

So that's another reason I'm not too happy with his 4 day party... it's like I'm never good enough to go out with but everyone else is.

[Beec]

"he does't care if I'm upset and he's going. That's the final word."

 

Relationships are about compromise. He is not even willing to meet you halfway nor invite you. This is not a good situation.

 

To an extent, I agree with kellbell, and then again, I cannot agree. I will not and cannot, and he should not, let your emotions control him. If I were in college and even know that I have been out for a long time, I will go and do thigns even if my woman does not want me to do them. And that will be the final word, from me. But sooner or later, her feelings need to be considered. Where that line is drawn depends on the two people.

 

Kellbell's other comments are pretty much on. I might not expect tons of give in all of those areas, but there should be some.

[blackpanther]

He told me that I have to be able to trust him, which is true. I feel like I'm somewhat justified in feeling mistrustful but I try to work towards trusting him. He tells me that while during our relationship he has never given me any reason not to trust him so by now I should trust him and that it's my fault if I don't trust him and only my problem. I agree it is up to me to just accept it and move on...

 

What I find frustrating is that he can do all those things... things that quite blatantly tell me he doesn't really think I'm important or a priority.

 

And then everyday he'll call me to say goodnight and since I can't drive, he ALWAYS picks me up and drives me home and does favors for me. That he'll buy me things(moderately as I buy him little things) and that he just makes me feel so wonderful and happy when we're on good terms.

 

Why is it like he is two different people? It makes it so hard. That way, when he treats me bad and I feel so terrible I cry a whole night over a stupid fight I feel like maybe we should end things. And then the next day, we'll get along and feel so happy and everything feels better and picture-perfect and then I think to myself: What was I thinking? It's like one big circle I want to break out of.

[Jayar]

He's not into you. It will get worse. You can get out now while you still have some pride intact, or you can suffer along until he finally does leave you for someone he IS into (at least more than he is into you). It's your choice. The first time someone hurts you it's their fault, but the second time (and all subsequent times) it's YOURS because you stuck around to let them. Don't let the same dog bite you repeatedly.

 

Edited to Add: My ex was the absolute sweetest charmer of a prince to me all through our relationship, except for the little things that made me feel like I wasn't a priority (like not introducing me to his friends, for instance)... Know how it ended up? He dumped me on the day he was supposed to sign our mutual lease because he wasn't into me all along. Don't wind up like that! My only regret was not dumping HIM sooner, when it first started showing that he wasn't as into me as I was him.

[kellbell]

Well, I guess I was thinking along of the lines of perhaps him going 2 days instead of all four, or invite her along for one of more of the days...SOMETHING. Instead of saying "I don't care how you feel..what I say is the final word...too bad, so sad..."

 

Make sense?

[Beec]

Well, I guess I was thinking along of the lines of perhaps him going 2 days instead of all four, or invite her along for one of more of the days...SOMETHING. Instead of saying "I don't care how you feel..what I say is the final word...too bad, so sad..."

 

Make sense?

 

To me that might make sense. I'm all for practical solutions too. But this couple needs to find their solutions too. It may work for them or may not.

 

Blackpanther, Him not making you part of his life, or keeping you separate from the rest of his life worries me, as it does the others. He needs to be able to do things on his own and needs to include you in somethings he would otherwise do without you.

 

I think the dicotomey you spoke of, when he is seemingly one person and then another, that works to draw you in, it makes you wonder which on you will get on any day. it creates tension,when you get the one you like, you feel great and then tension is released, and you will work to get that feeling again. Tension and release works well to bring people to us.

[RayKay]

Something is fishy. When someone is not proud to introduce you to friends for example, he is hiding something.

 

You are right, this relationship IS all on HIS terms right now, and I suspect that you really allowed that to happen as you wanted to be "perfect" for him. I suspect that if you HAD put your foot down and let him know you would not tolerate disrespect early on he either would of run away (which would be good as you deserve better) or he would not be taking such advantage of it now and would have more respect if he really was into you. Either way, it does not mean this is something you should allow to continue.

 

In relationships, we should have our own space, and be able to see friends and do our own hobbies without being controlled, however at the same time, relationships are also about mutual respect, honesty and compassion for one another. My boyfriend and I both do our own thing apart from one another, but we also put our time together as priority, and we of course go out in public, with friends! We also talk things through if we are bothered by something, and would NEVER just say in response to someone's concerns "too bad so sad"!

 

I suspect that not only does he have little respect for you and your relationship, but that he is living the "single life" when he is out which is why he does not want you there. I am even more convinced by the fact that he met you through cheating in the first place.

 

Even if he were NOT cheating, this is not a healthy relationship. Go back to before you met him, and even to a few years from now, and think of what you believe a healthy, loving, fulfilling relationship entails. Write it down. Then write down what your boyfriend provides for you, and what this relationship is doing for you. If there is a huge discrepancy (which I really believe there is, or at least there should be as this should NOT be what you believe is a healthy relationship) it is time to give him the boot and take a stand for yourself.

 

You deserve better.

[blackpanther]

Thank you all for your advice. I'm going to be spending some alone time to think things over. But it really has been very helpful. I guess it's just really hard to accept that maybe it isn't worth it... especially when you're too caught up in it. My life pretty much does revolve around him... it's happened in past relationships. Either way, it's time for change. Thanks.

[kellbell]

Good luck blackpanther. Keep us updated!

[caro33]

Hey blackpanther, I don't know that I have much of value to add here but that I think that you are right, that maybe it's not worth it. What you have here is probably just a young man who isn't really sure what he wants in detail, but what he wants in general is to enjoy himself, and to not be tied down or have anyone getting 'heavy' with him.

 

He is being selfish, but it's a kind of normal, understandable type of selfish that people go through when they are in this stage of life. He's probably not in the same headspace as you, and that's about it. He probably wants to keep you compartmentalised so that 'relationship' him doesn't bleed too much into single life living 'University student' him, and he gets to keep his options open. I expect that the minute this relationship looks like hard work, or more work than he can be bothered with, he will bail.

 

Way I see it, your challenge is to either:

 

(a) Stay with him but stop caring if he cheats, and thereforeeee not give him a hard time. Don't ask, don't tell stuff. This will perhaps prolong the life of this relationship but I doubt it will make you happy.

 

or

 

(b) End this, and stop caring if he's with someone else, because he's not your concern anymore. Spend some time enjoying what you like to do for you, and then meet someone who's more in line with where you are, and who is going to prioritise you the way you want to be prioritised.

 

Sorry, but I had several of these types of relationship when I was younger, and actually also had one just a couple of years ago with a guy who prioritised going out drinking with his buddies over me. My friends have had these relationships. They tend to fall over because there is an imbalance of power, and you care much more than the other person. To you this relationship is terribly important and you will move Heaven and earth to make it happen, but the other person is only in there for reasonably no strings good times, no matter what they say when you are alone. Look to his behaviour, not what he says.

[caro33]

Go back to before you met him, and even to a few years from now, and think of what you believe a healthy, loving, fulfilling relationship entails. Write it down. Then write down what your boyfriend provides for you, and what this relationship is doing for you. If there is a huge discrepancy (which I really believe there is, or at least there should be as this should NOT be what you believe is a healthy relationship) it is time to give him the boot and take a stand for yourself.

 

You deserve better.

 

Agree, please go through this exercise if you have the chance. It's really important in these situations to not lose sight of what Objective You would want. If your best friend shared this story with you, what would you advise her?

[Rabican]

to the curb!!

 

he cheated on his ex with you. strike one.

 

he doesnt care what you think of the whole party situation, he just doesnt care. Thats a big red flag. when your SO doesnt respect your feelings, or wont set proper boundaries related to those feelings... thats a huge huge gap to try and fill.

 

hes out doing things (clubbing) without you, that he wont do with you. Why all the partying now if not to meet girls? If thats not really his thing...

 

And, you just dont trust him.

 

And then, he tries to throw that back on you, like its all your fault rather than him trying to do what he can (within reason) to show you that he is trustworthy.

 

Send him packing!