Should I kick him out or what...

[Funeral_Queen]

Hi everyone

 

Hoping for some advice

 

Firstly I'll explain the situation a bit (it normally helps). I'm a 21 year old girl who's dated girls and guys, but my longest relationships have always been with girls. I'm only mentioning this because I've never encountered something like this before, and I'm not sure if it's maybe a gender thing? Not being sexist, but yeah. Anyway, I've been seeing this guy for a while and he's staying at my house while my parents are away (the area is semi-dodgy so I don't like to be alone Anyway.

 

This evening I came home from work earlier than usual (my brother dropped me off) when I walked in the front door, it was obvious he had just been er touching himself - because he zipped up his pants and shut his laptop really quickly. To top it off, it was at the dining room table where my family usually eats dinner. And the first thing he said was "You should have called!"

 

Now this guy is pretty timid, he doesn't do anything sexually "out there" or anything like that, not that it makes a real difference.

 

I didn't say anything to him, but I've been really cold since, because I really don't know what to say, other than snide, * * * * *y kind of things.

 

To me this is a violation of my home, particularly on behalf of my parents - I see it as a pretty disgusting thing to do.

 

So what I want to know is;

 

1. Am I right in thinking this? Or am I being too old-school.

2. What should i say to him?

3. Should I ask him to leave?

 

I really am offended by this, because it's not how I have been "brought up" or whatever, I mean I don't care about what other people do in their own time in their own homes, but when it's my property, particularly my PARENT'S home, I find it wrong.

 

He "knows" that I know, and he's been really quiet since then.. to make matters worse he had a shower like 5 minutes later. Ten points for captain obvious!

 

Any advice on how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciated, as I've never had this happen before

 

Cheers

[southerngirl]

I dont feel there is anything wrong with a man or a woman pleasuring themselves. He could have had more respect and done this in the bathroom or bedroom so that no one could have seen it. Do your parents know that he is staying there?

 

I dont think you should kick him out because he was touching himself. It may disgust you but people do it all the time. So from this one would presume that you have never touched yourself in a sexual way?

[Funeral_Queen]

Everyone has

 

No it's just the fact that it was at my dinner table. I mean seriously, my family eats dinner there! My parents do know that he is staying with me. But my point is, if I was staying at someone elses house, especially their parents house, I would show some respect!

[southerngirl]

Well, if you can talk to him in a respectful way without attacking him... cause that wouldnt do any good fighting about it. Just say simply, if you want to do that, do it in the bathroom or bedroom so that you have privacy. Someone could have walked in!

[Helen67]

Firstly Queen, what room is this guy sleeping in, in a spare room, or your parents?

 

The reason I ask, is because if he is sleeping in a spare room, then I'm sure you can allow him the privacy of masturbating there. If he is using your parents room, then you should ask him to respect their property, and refrain from masturbating until he's moved back out.

 

You were right about the dinner table though, that is out of order, but I think you should tell him this. He probably thinks you find him disgusting for masturbating period, and not the fact of where he was doing it.

 

The basic fact is that he is a young (I'm assuming here) guy, who likes to look at porn to j**k off to it, it does not make him a freak, he just needs some ground rules about where and when this is acceptable in your house.

 

You should talk to him, if anything to ease the tension between the two of you, have you thought how embarrasing it was for him to be caught like that. Believe me it's not nice at all.

 

I hope you are not judging him apart from this, don't forget that ppl would judge you just as quickly for being bi-sexual, so try and see things from his angle.

 

Anyway, I doubt he will make the same mistake twice, but you won't know until you've talked to him.

 

All the best............Helen.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

I hope you are not judging him apart from this, don't forget that ppl would judge you just as quickly for being bi-sexual, so try and see things from his angle.

 

yes, I was thinking something along those same lines....

[Helen67]

Sorry just read your OP again, about the fact you've been seeing this guy. So I take it he's sharing your bed, or am I wrong there?

 

And if you are intimate with him, why didn't you tell him immediately not to do that at your parents table! You should be able to talk to him, and I bet he is feeling so ashamed at the moment, because he no doubt thinks you are angry about the masturbating full stop.

 

Are you perhaps slightly insulted that he does that, whilst seeing you?

 

Sorry just trying to get a general piccie here....

[agent1607307371]

I think that for a first offence, he needs a talking to about respect for other peoples property.

It's up to you to decide if you still feel comfortable leaving him in your house. I assume that if you did ask him to leave that you, a) wouldn't be making him homeless and b) wouldn't be breaking up with him.

 

And I would probably have torn him a new one immediately for telling me I should have called in my own home, but it was probably panic talking there.

 

And I don't see how being pissed at someone for masturbating in your dining room at the table is comparable with being judged for being bi. One is a preference and one is a chosen behavior that was pretty disrespectful.

[Beec]

and one is a chosen behavior that was pretty disrespectful.

 

Sorry, I really don't get how his masturbation while sitting at the dining room table soils it anymore or differently than it would soil a bathroom or bedroom. Even if he came on it, don't you think it would clean up? Wouldn't he clean it up? So it's just the very idea that he did it there that bothers you? I see this as little different than someone being grossed out because you've been with another girl.

 

If you have a thing for your dining room table, tell him and ask him not to anymore. Otherwise, forget it.

[Helen67]

 

I get your point Agent, but I was just reading into what the OP had written. And yes he was disrespectful, but he probably hadn't even given it a thought, hadn't crossed his mind that it was wrong. Ppl come from different upbringings, have different morals and principles. The OP's are admirably to protect her parents property, and have particular high standards in the home.

 

All I meant was where she was prepared to ask him to leave because of his obvious lack of regard, some ppl in life could turn the same table on her as a bi-sexual, and she would think this was unfair.

 

We all do/say things that can upset or offend others, usually we try and avoid such situations.

 

But asking him to leave just because he made a stupid mistake, is to me over the top. Rather than sitting down and telling him how important her respect for her parents and their house is to her.

 

Isn't he allowed the benefit of the doubt?

[StrandedinON]

I had always thought masterbation was normal. It happens inside of healthy relationships all the time. It's the sexual equivalent of scratching an itch.

 

It's possible the table was scene of the crime, so to speak, because that's where he could connect his computer.

 

Girls at least have the good fortune of not having this be a messy process. We have messier things that happen once a month. Guys sort of make a mess. If your guy's old enough for you to sleep with him, then he understands he makes a mess and usually stops it before it happens, or cleans up after himself.

 

Not talking to him about it and being disgusted by it is probably not helping things. Maybe suggest an alternative laptop connection connection.

De-mystify the whole process. It's normal behavior, it's not something to be ashamed of. And sometimes.. it can be pretty hot to watch.

[Funeral_Queen]

Hi everyone

 

I'd like to say thank first up, because these replies have been informative and eye opening!

 

I would like to clear up some points etc so;

 

A) We do indeed sleep in the same bed

 

B) To me, masturbating in a "common" room of your partner's families' house is a different matter to sexual preference. To be honest I don't think that that particular fact bears much relevence to the matter - I was just using it as an illustration to my lack of understanding of living with a guy (as opposed to a girl) - I thought perhaps it was something that happened regularly and it was my lack or knowledge that was causing me to feel angry/confused.

 

C) Lastly, i'm not sure how to approach the subject. I mean, how do you start the conversation?! We normally have very good communication, but as this subject semi-shocked me and it was something I had never dealt with before, I'm not really sure how to handle it?

 

D) I hope there is no misconception here that I have a problem with masturbating. It doesn't bother me in principle - people can do what they like with themselves, it's natural, etc.

 

Thanks again for all the help thus far!!

[caro33]

Well I can see how this looks from your perspective, and I would probably react too, but I can also imagine his perspective here.

 

To him it was probably just a table he could connect his computer from, as someone has already suggested. He did what many, many normal men and women do, and he 'scratched his itch'. It's probably that simple, that is all. The table has no meaning for him, I'm sure he did not think one way or the other that the common living area was all the more out of bounds - none of the space in that house is actually his, so perhaps it all feels the same. I assume as Beec said, that the result of his activity would probably not have gone near the table itself, and if you have him in your house he's probably not a grot.

 

Now you find this unseemly, fair enough. You relate to eating off that table, and specifically to your family being gathered around it. It has some symbolic value to you. You really should explain this. It will be awkward but no more so than you catching the poor guy in the first place, and him thinking you are against porn and masturbation full stop. There are heaps of women on this forum who would be tremendously upset that he was doing this in the first place, and he may have you confused with one of them.

 

If I was you I would wait until we were ready to go to sleep (not generally a good time for a big deep conversation but this doesn't need to be like that, it's just an admin issue to tie up). It's dark, it's mellow. I would say something like 'honey, that day I walked in on you, when you were using the computer...You seemed really uncomfortable and I'm sorry that happened... I have been a bit unsure how to bring this up. The fact is, that I don't have a problem with what you were doing, but WHERE. It's important to me that you recognise this is my family home, and I am letting you know that I don't want you doing that anywhere but the bathroom or my bedroom. Sorry if there's been misunderstanding, but is it clear now?' Something like that.

[Funeral_Queen]

caro33, thanks heaps, that was very helpful

 

However I do have something to add. Ok, I'll admit that I am a feminist, I see myself with a strong value system that noone can change - this makes me stubborn, I know, but I see sincerity and strong beliefs as a strength and I pride myself on being able to be who I am, what I am, and practise my beliefs.

 

Now I know this will open a whole tin of worms, but here goes. I have no problem or objection with certain elements of "body photography" (what I will call it for the sake of this post) - I think it can be tasteful, beautiful, and interesting. However to me there is a very big difference to a naked body, and a woman with 5 guys doing (what I personally see) as derogatory things.. Now this is different for everyone and I respect that, I hope this doesn't result in a bunch of posts about how I'm a old-school, I'm just stating my opinion

 

I'm a strong believer in symbolism, and there are certain things I don't like in "my area" or my home, because to me they perpetuate "energy" which I don't think is positive. Now people may see this as "ignorance is bliss" or I'm being "airy fairy" about it, but hey, each to their own.

 

Now from what I saw when I walked in, this was not "tasteful" image viewing. Don't get me wrong, if thats what it takes for someone (including my bf) to get off on, that's cool, not my business. But once that sort of thing gets into my personal area, then it becomes my business.

 

I don't want to slam him for looking at stuff that goes against my beliefs, that's not my business, and to be entirely honest, I think masturbation is up to the individual, but I DO want to lay down the law so to speak.

 

Like someone said before, I shouldn't have to call MY OWN house to pre-warn him I'm coming home!

[caro33]

Your views on 'body photography' are fair enough and are not really old school at all. We all have different views on this stuff based on all kinds of rationales. So whatever you think about it, it's valid, and you should express this to him if you think it's important enough, which it certainly sounds like it is.

 

Just be gentle with him, because if there were no 'rules' laid down to start with he hasn't really broken any. It's either an issue that can't be resolved because you guys have different values, or it's an issue you can both learn from in the sense of understanding what the other wants and values, and being considerate of that.

[annie24]

Just be gentle with him, because if there were no 'rules' laid down to start with he hasn't really broken any. It's either an issue that can't be resolved because you guys have different values, or it's an issue you can both learn from in the sense of understanding what the other wants and values, and being considerate of that.

 

LOL. do we need to start telling guests, "Oh, milk is in the fridge. And by the way, please don't mastrubate at the dinner table while I'm out. That's just gross."

[candy604]

you should talk to him about it and how he should do his private stuff in the bedroom or bathroom. The dinner table, that's pretty gross and disrespectful.

[Helen67]

LOL. do we need to start telling guests, "Oh, milk is in the fridge. And by the way, please don't mastrubate at the dinner table while I'm out. That's just gross."

 

Oh great I've got guests staying over for Christmas

 

You have every right to your views Queen as others are to theirs, I suppose there's no right or wrong.

 

I'm sure that you don't take your relationship with this guy toooo seriously, as you are young and still exploring. But at least for the time you are with him, you will have to talk to him about this, to at least have a healthy relationship.

 

He will only know your opinions by you telling him them, he can't be a mind reader. I realise you feel offended and disgusted, but you must allow each to their own on this subject. You sound very intelligent and obviously a person who knows their own mind, but by not talking to him, and just passing snide remarks, is you have to admit abit childish.

 

Go on girl, talk to him, it's your best option!!!

[Rabican]

The difference between guys and girls.... lol

 

If I walked home and my girl was doing the same thing at the dinner table, id ask to join in. I wouldnt be mad. I guess I can see your point about the dinner table... maybe just say hey if you are gonna... ya know, next time do it in the bedroom. that said, im betting your mom and dad have used that table for more than dinner at some point or another. So dont be so uptight.

 

I really dont see anything wrong with the guy having a good time when your not around, after all it was just him, not like he had your neighbor or sister there with him!

[caro33]

LOL. do we need to start telling guests, "Oh, milk is in the fridge. And by the way, please don't mastrubate at the dinner table while I'm out. That's just gross."

 

That's hilarious, I can't stop laughing