Can someone please explain how ...

[need2bme]

two people can start dating, one person pulls the other, the other gives in and then the person originally pulling gets scared and needs space?

 

OK, cool, before anyone flames me, I understand the "space" issue, but want to know why some people just pull so hard if that is not what they want.

 

I want so much to believe that people just need space, but in my case, to go from constant contact, calls and texts with serious messages about caring and missing and such, to nothing, leads me to believe that it might just be an easy way to let someone go.

 

Lastly, I get a text late this evening with nothing serious. My phone startled me so I texted back and then nothing. If you need space, why the text? If you want to text, why not reply?

 

Why am I even beating myself up about this?

[need2bme]

BTW, I miss her. I miss my friend.

 

What is acceptable? I really want to call her and ask her what happened. Maybe it is that she is just scared. I take her at her word, I was just hoping to find out what scared her...

 

Saddest part is that I was visiting for the holidays and have spent the last couple days at my friends. I went from getting texts to be safe and that she missed me very, very much to nothing. It would be nice to go back, knowing she cared...

 

WOW! Be careful what you wish for (going slow) 'cause you just might get it.

 

...and when you get it, you won't be able to sleep...like now...

[Slagar]

Hmm. Can you give us more information? Like specifics? How long have you guys been together?

What's the girl's history like?

 

It sounds a bit like she doesn't know what she wants... or perhaps, if you haven't been dating long, that maybe she isn't ready for a relationship yet/isn't over an ex yet...

 

Whatever the case, something isn't right, and I hope you're not getting messed around by this girl.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I know what you mean - I get confused by that too; that someone will call or text, but when I respond will back right off. I'm not sure what it's about, it feels like playing games, whether consciously or not. Horrible, though, isn't it?

[hosswhispra]

I wish I could explain the 'how' when it comes to this. I don't know why it happens. All I know is that it does happen and that it happens to all of us at one time or another. Maybe she changed her mind/or is unsure how you fit in her life?

[need2bme]

Hmm. Can you give us more information? Like specifics? How long have you guys been together? What's the girl's history like?

 

Slager: OK. Don't bite my head off on this one. Together = 2 weeks. History = Out of a rushed into relationship. Serious type.

 

My point is, and I understand yours, that if she were seeing someone else, it would have been fine to tell me. I don't believe she is. I believe she is scared. Also, I like to tease her and should have held back, because I think she took things to heart. I teased her about making a comment and realize now (I don't want to be specific here, cause I know that people I know, now know who I am on this board), she may have thought I was calling her stupid. I WAS NOT!

 

Also, she asked me this strange question about lying. It was an in context comment. I am a compulsive person and she had heard that these types of compulsive people are usually compulsive liars. I just thought, "WOW! What a strange question".

 

She pulled me and pulled me. Talked of us. Wanted me to be exclusive. Was texting and so forth. Sure it was quick, but so what. I mean I was not going to do the whole marraige, I love you thing yet (maybe she thought I was).

 

Point is, why pull so hard, if you are only going to run, when the guy steps up. Besides, once they get scared, then everything becomes an issue. What you say, how you talk, how you kiss, etc. It may not even be an issue, but now their head is all messed up. We went from emailing and texting and seeing each other, to nothing.

 

I appreciate her need for space. Crap, now I need it too. I was just wondering why it happens. I guess better now than in 6 months.

 

Honey Pumpkin: You are right. It is games and it is horrible. I read on here somewhere that "it is games, but unfortunately that is the way it is in the beginning". What is a guy supposed to do? I am scared too. Really. If you don't talk to me, I can't fix it. Also, I refuse to believe that you can like someone so much and then just have it dissa-freakin-pear.

 

Maybe she changed her mind/or is unsure how you fit in her life?

 

hosswhispra: I think your quote is right on. I think she is highly unsure of how I fit. Also, I think she is now thinking back on how quickly things move for her. How does that take the feelings away? Does that mean that she made them up in her mind and can just let them go? Everything she says now is an alone thing or a "wait and see" thing. How can you go about wanting to do things together and put a wait and see on all of them.

 

ARGGGHHH! That is it. I don't want to see anyone else but her for now, but I don't want to be dangled either.

[Grokker]

Need2BeMe: Hear you loud and clear, bro. If you get a chance, read this thread and see if the story in it sounds at all familiar... it was my first ever on Enotalone.

 

 

 

As you can see, I've been almost exactly there before... and I'm walking on eggshells with my new thing, dreading that I will wind up there again. Ironically, I'm dreading even more that a Grokker full of dread will ruin the attraction that the woman in question felt for fearless Grokker when he walked into her life. Drives you up the wall, doesn't it?

 

Fact is, man... I think we're on the cusp of discovering a new subspecies. The Dime Shrew is what I call her. A person so self-centered, narcissistic, irresponsible that she will indulge her emotional swings at the expense of other people's feelings. (Ladies reading this, no mysogyny intended... I'm sure there is a male equivalent too).

 

Essentially the Dime Shrew will come at you with all cylinders firing, all guns blazing. You (and I) being recovering-nice-guys, chronic people-pleasers who are self-aware enough to understand our flaws and decent enough to try to work on them... are the perfect victims for her.

 

In she swings, taking all the initiative, setting you up in this cozy Norman Rockwell picture of a relationship that she has unbelievable romantic notions about. She is the first to bring up commitment, the first to make the physical and emotional moves, and we, inching along with unbearable self-consciousness, find ourselves lured into a reality that *SHE* was never prepared for in the first place. Lassoed like calves at a rodeo.

 

And then what? She turns. On a DIME (hence the name Dime Shrew).

 

Why does she do this? Is it her feelings of insecurity about being able to "get" a man that she pursues us to validate? And once we've been "gotten", we are no longer a "challenge" and the whole vicarious thrill has gone out of it for her?

 

Is it because she is so sick and confused a person that she doesn't know what she wants, but is willing to experiment at the expense of other people's feelings till she finds it? Coming on hot, changing her mind, backing off cold, changing her mind...

 

What are the characteristics of Miss Dime Shrew? How may we identify this peculiar and dangerous creature, and steer clear of it from now on?

 

And most of all, bro, how can we heal? It's devastating in every way, especially to a guy who means well and knows better and tries to improve on his past mistakes. It shreds the heart, shatters the self-esteem. And the fear it breeds lingers on for months, perhaps years... witness how much trepidation I feel in going about my present relationship.

[Dating Coach]

Slager: OK. Don't bite my head off on this one. Together = 2 weeks. History = Out of a rushed into relationship. Serious type.

 

To hit the nail on the head I'd need more details but based on your reaction right now to a 2 week relationship I'd say that maybe you were clinging too much? You're clearly way too invested in a two week relationship....

 

I believe she is scared.

 

C'mon brother, don't make excuses for her. Girls aren't these fragile little creature that jump in fear at every little thing. Women are very often stronger than men when it comes to dating. She's not "scared". Give her some credit. She's not a victim of her feelings, I think that label falls to you. Her actions show that she isn't interested in dating you. She was, she had you, and now she moved on. It looks like she decided that you weren't her type... no matter what words she told you. Her actions say this and actions speak louder than words.

 

Also, I like to tease her and should have held back, because I think she took things to heart. I teased her about making a comment and realize now (I don't want to be specific here, cause I know that people I know, now know who I am on this board), she may have thought I was calling her stupid. I WAS NOT!

 

Trust me... that's not it. I've seen a guy and a girl get into an argument shortly after meeting each other only to hook up right after. I've seen two aquaintences who always talked smack about each other to each others faces and behind each others backs, only to find out that they were sleeping together. Such a little thing as you saying something that may or may not have been misinterpreted as the reason she lost interest is not very likely at all. Very unlikely. What is likely is that she simply noticed that she didn't have that special chemistry with you after the two weeks you spent dating.

 

Also, she asked me this strange question about lying. It was an in context comment. I am a compulsive person and she had heard that these types of compulsive people are usually compulsive liars. I just thought, "WOW! What a strange question".

 

You're analyzing too much. WAY too much.

 

Point is, why pull so hard, if you are only going to run, when the guy steps up.

 

I think you showed her something that turned her off when you stepped up. Perhaps she got a clue as to how eager you really were, and in just two weeks that was likely too much for her.

 

Honey Pumpkin: You are right. It is games and it is horrible. I read on here somewhere that "it is games, but unfortunately that is the way it is in the beginning". What is a guy supposed to do? I am scared too. Really. If you don't talk to me, I can't fix it. Also, I refuse to believe that you can like someone so much and then just have it dissa-freakin-pear.

 

I don't think there are games going on here, she simply isn't interested. She was but is no longer. She's telling you this with her actions... like most girls do.

 

hosswhispra: I think your quote is right on. I think she is highly unsure of how I fit.

 

Since she ended your dating and told you she needed space, I think she is very sure of how you fit in. She made it clear that you don't fit in anymore.

 

ARGGGHHH! That is it. I don't want to see anyone else but her for now, but I don't want to be dangled either.

 

Bro, it's been two weeks. I think I'm seeing why she pulled away and ended it. This is not healthy, attaching yourself so strongly to someone after just two weeks... In fact, you should be counting yourself lucky by finding out that you two aren't compatable this early. Imagine if you wasted months or years!

 

Move on bro, forget her. If you don't then you make yourself look like desperate for chasing after someone who broke things off.

[need2bme]

DD: I appreciate your thoughts. Actually, I sought them out in another thread. I also understand a lot of what you write, believe it or not...

 

That being said:

 

To hit the nail on the head I'd need more details but based on your reaction right now to a 2 week relationship I'd say that maybe you were clinging too much? You're clearly way too invested in a two week relationship....

 

I did not cling. In fact, I basically stayed away from that and tried to get her to hang out with my friends. She kept coming. In fairness, I did show affection back, but kept a distance. As for being invested, I am more "interested" in why someone would behave that way. Your answers shed some interesting points on why that may be. Even if I don't agree that people need to play games, we actually do.

 

C'mon brother, don't make excuses for her. Girls aren't these fragile little creature that jump in fear at every little thing. Women are very often stronger than men when it comes to dating. She's not "scared". Give her some credit. She's not a victim of her feelings, I think that label falls to you. Her actions show that she isn't interested in dating you. She was, she had you, and now she moved on. It looks like she decided that you weren't her type... no matter what words she told you. Her actions say this and actions speak louder than words.

 

Wasn't making excuses. Was being a parrot. I also agree that women are stronger than they get credit for. And..you may be correct in that she had me and will move on. However, her past behaviour is that she does rush into things. I can accept the fact that I added to this by accepting that behaviour, regardless of the time frame.

 

Trust me... that's not it. I've seen a guy and a girl get into an argument shortly after meeting each other only to hook up right after. I've seen two aquaintences who always talked smack about each other to each others faces and behind each others backs, only to find out that they were sleeping together. Such a little thing as you saying something that may or may not have been misinterpreted as the reason she lost interest is not very likely at all. Very unlikely. What is likely is that she simply noticed that she didn't have that special chemistry with you after the two weeks you spent dating.

 

We may or may not have had the chemistry, at least in the long run. I may or may not know that. I put the stop on the sexual advances. Sure, I was messing around with the heavy petting, but I nixed the sex and whether it is agreed upon by you and I or not, would have done the same until realizing it was going someplace. Also, I should let you know (regardless of the bearing it may have on the sitch), that up until the very night before this all took place, she was all over me, it, us or whatever else ya wanna call it.

 

You're analyzing too much. WAY too much.

 

Possibly, but still thought it a strange question. Is it something that should normally be asked? Why would you need to know right now, if I am a habitual liar. If there is something I said that made you think that, then why would we still be speaking?

 

I think you showed her something that turned her off when you stepped up. Perhaps she got a clue as to how eager you really were, and in just two weeks that was likely too much for her.

 

This may well be true. However, I don't recall stepping up until much talk by her, of what she wanted in a relationship, what she saw in me and many, many, statements, looking back on, scared the crap out of me after only 2 weeks. BTW, DD, I told her this and asked her to slow it down. That may be part of this, as well. I do know that actions speak louder than words. so If I wanted a slow down, I should have taken it and not pursued any harder. I get that much.

 

I don't think there are games going on here, she simply isn't interested. She was but is no longer. She's telling you this with her actions... like most girls do.

 

I would agree with this statement wholeheartedly. I was simply trying to figure out how this happens. The more I think about it though, is that it seems that the chase is always fun, but the catching is not.

 

Since she ended your dating and told you she needed space, I think she is very sure of how you fit in. She made it clear that you don't fit in anymore.

 

Again, this may be true, as well. Also, she might just need space. I have seen this, even with a good friend of mine and his girl. So, I saw her after this hapened on a date, so who knows if we will keep seeing each other. I do know that I don't need this, so if we do, we do...

 

Bro, it's been two weeks. I think I'm seeing why she pulled away and ended it. This is not healthy, attaching yourself so strongly to someone after just two weeks... In fact, you should be counting yourself lucky by finding out that you two aren't compatable this early. Imagine if you wasted months or years!

 

Move on bro, forget her. If you don't then you make yourself look like desperate for chasing after someone who broke things off.

 

Agreed. I am not chasing her. In fact, she can have whatever life she chooses. I simply wanted input on why people thinks this happens. Also, regardless of all the talking back and forth, the fact that someone feels you must chase a certain amount of time, or feel that someone must be a "challenge" for you to be interested, still seems like crap, regardless of how true it might be.

 

 

So, as an aside, I want to let you know one thing. Regardless of what you glean from my words. She started ALL (except for the latest convos of last week) with all the serious stuff. Talk of kids, marraige (not necessarily to me, but wanting to be), deal breakers, how long I was in my last relationship, who broke up with whom, making love, falling for me, will I catch her, I make her feel safe and on and on. I always said, why don't we wait and see what happens.

 

So, I did not comment back on how much I loved her or anything like that. Did I like her alot. Sure. Is that much for 2 weeks, definitely. Did I want it to go longer than 2 weeks. Sure. Will we still see each other. We did and hopefully will.

 

My point was, regardless of how needy I may seem is that I did not start all of that type of talk. I did not rush it. I did meet it head on a couple of days ago and should have just stayed back like I was.

 

Regardles of me being a "challenge", I did not come on as needy and SHE DID! Whether I should have run for cover is a topic for a different day. I was simply trying to get peoples thoughts on why others (male/female) do this.

 

Thanks for the time it took for your reply, bro!

[need2bme]

One last thing...

 

I know I am going to get blasted for this, but here goes.

 

I was talking to a friend tonight and the conversation turned to EX, SO, or whatever....

 

It brought to mind all of the texts, SHE sent. All of the texts that mention everything she wanted US to be. All of the times she said that she wanted us exclusive. She made us exclusive and introduced me as her beau.

 

So, I am not totally crazy, even if I did rush into being with her. I just wanted to set the record straight.

 

Oh, and if it helps anyone who wants to give me a hard time...yes, I actually do miss her.

 

But...life goes on...and so do I.

[Lansing]

yeah... ok. Thing is... maybe by you agreeing with her, you came off as clingy because she didn't see her own actions, just your reactions... So, if you are using it as a learning tool for the future.... If you feel reason to be "Cautious" you should be cautious and not jump into it too quickly....

 

She sounds kind of flakey. I would forget about her if I were you.

 

However, I know that you are probably more confused on "why" she did this vs. really trully wanting to be back together with her. I think you need to move on as you are waisting a lot of energy on her...

[Dating Coach]

Now that is a lot more detail. Your second explaination shows more of what actually went on whereas the first post left me assuming and guessing a lot. Unfortunately it doesn't shed any light as to why she did what she did. I will say however that it is bordering a red flag to me if a girl I have been dating for two weeks gets into serious topics like marriage (even if she was not talking about "me"), relationships, expectations, etc. I would have steered her away from that by changing the topic. When you first start dating someone it's about going out and having fun together. That's too much serious topics for a 2 week relationship. I think she appears to be a little unstable when it comes to relationships.

 

As for why she or anyone would do what she did, who knows. There could be a thousand reasons and naming them wouldn't help me give you the answer. The point is that we shouldn't be seeking the answer, instead just realize what the current situation is and act accordingly. In this situation (as you acknowledged) she is not interested in continuing the relationship at this time and the correct step for you is to move on and meet other people. Dwelling on why has no effect on anything. It's best not to dwell on something like this because there is little you can learn and the longer you linger trying to "figure it out", as guys often do, it's best to just move along with your life.

 

That's my opinion. Good luck bro!

[need2bme]

Thanks again DD. You are all over the place man. Thanks.

 

I am backing OUT/OFF completely. I don't need this in my life and I deserve to have someone who if they change their mind, will talk openly and honestly to ME, about it.

 

Sure, I post here, but I would talk to her or anyone, if she just asked or tried.

 

So, I have way too much work to do to spend time on someone that could care less. I will give her all the time she needs, because I do want to get to know her and I hope she is doing ok.

 

Until she makes a move to explicitly tell me she wants more, I am just me.

 

That means, me like I was. I cannot be held liable for being exclusive or whatever, when someone else decided for me, that I cannot see them.

 

I respect her decision for space, more than anything in this world...but I refuse to be confused by it.