My 12 year old son hates me...what can i do?

[mikesmom]

Hi, i am a mother desperate to get her 12 year old son back. He is drifting from me more and more ....he has no friends outside school . his friend is his playstation. he has no respect for me. doesnt listen, doesnt seem to care. I want him back. If there is anyone with any ideas of how a mom can do this please let me know. I thought maybe if i came to other children for help i might get a clue.

[Scout]

Hi, and welcome to eNotalone. Right off the bat, I'll tell you I don't have children so I may not be qualified to answer.

 

But two things immediately hit me about your post. One, you clearly love your son and are concerned about his behavior. That's the first step to changing things. Second..."his Playstation is his friend." You know, video games are highly, highly addictive. I saw a child throw a tantrum in the middle of the street last week because his parents said he couldn't play video games that day. The child was screaming and crying like he'd just been hit by a car. thereforeeee, I think parents need to impose strict boundaries and limits on video game playing. Have you tried this yet? And replace his video game time with quality time where you two do things together? He might grouch and grumble for a little bit, but eventually he'd come around. Don't let your son call the shots on his schedule. Yes, he needs some autonomy. But kids actually want boundaries. It helps them feel secure.

 

My two cents, anyway.

[sweeteyez]

Hi, I have a 11 year old son, im having some problems to, however more with lying and being sneaky.

Have you tried to take the playstation away?I had to do that for awhile, went as far as putting the thing in my car as he was playing when i wasnt home.....

do you do things togther?movies?skating?reading?have you thought of putting him in any extra activities?like sports?or music?

I know its tought, its a challenging time in their lives.

hang in there

[Iceman26]

his friend is his playstation. he has no respect for me. doesnt listen, doesnt seem to care. I want him back. If there is anyone with any ideas of how a mom can do this please let me know.

 

Why not take him out and spend some time with him, talk with him and figure out what is wrong. There isn't an immediate fix to this one.

[ImThatGirl]

One of my biggest fears.... That my son will withdrawal and hate me as a teenager....

[sweeteyez]

That is mine as well.I have fear of falling in with the wrong crowd ect ect,

so tough!!!

[ImThatGirl]

To dedicate our whole life to our children's happiness. And then hit the teenage years where they want nothing to do with us. Aaahhhh - - - I better start reading more parenting books!!!

[Daligal83]

A good way to connect with your son is to have him teach you something. You can ask him to teach you to play one of his games, since this is what he loves to do. You have to get on his level and connect to his world. He's not going to be interested in doing the things you want to do.

 

That being said, I agree with the others about doing something with the amount of time he plays video games. I don't think you should take it away all together, but impose a time restriction. You could tell him that he can only play for an hour and a half during the week, and 3 on the weekend. Also, sign him up for some club or activity. He needs to get out and interact with peers.

 

I have a feeling that he avoids people and only plays games because of the insecurity that goes along with being twelve years old. He's starting some very difficult years. If he builds up a skill that he is good at, it'll give him some self confidence.

[BellaDonna]

I agree that the playstation should be taken away or at least limited. Try replacing his video game time with something else- like taking him somewhere he will enjoy or spending quality time together doing something that will require him to be more creative and social. Maybe he can become involved in a sport, or if he's not into that, some kind of club or youth group. This will help him to make friends and spend his time more productively.

 

Be sure if you tell him "no" or impose a rule, that you stick to it- don't let him learn that he can change your mind or annoy you until you give in. Pick your battles carefully , but make sure that once you pick one- you win. Otherwise, he will lose respect for you.

 

How is he doing in school? Does he have any behavioral issues with teachers when he's at school?

 

BellaDonna

[AwdreeHpburn]

I have a sneaking suspicion (or call it a hope) that this is a stage and he WILL come round. Give him time, space and LOTS of understanding. Things are difficult for teenage (and pre-teen) boys.

 

So much talk is done about teen-age girls and hormones and all of that, but boys experience that stuff too. Just let him know you're open when and if he needs you and leave it to him for a bit.

 

That's MY opinion anyway.

[musicguy]

I'm not a parent but I think he's getting to that stage where he wants to be all grown up and "independent" Being a teen is tough for parents and children. I would say take him out to do things he's interested in, maybe ask him to see if he wants to join a club or a place for pre-teens and teens.

[su56]

I would say find a common interest you have together, I have 7 kids so I know where you are coming from.

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

Get rid of the Playstation. I'd secretly break it somehow, and not buy him a new one. (Evil, I know.... muahahaha!)

[mikesmom]

Thank you all so much....i DID come to the right place...all your thoughts are so appreciated. i gave him extra hugs today. keep your good thoughts coming!

[Juliana]

I have a twelve year old son. I'd no more take his xbox away than I'd go out and take a baseball bat to my husband's car. It's all about respect, acknowledging their rights and independence, and listening to them. Alot of us get so used to our little guys talking our ear off, it comes as a shock when adolesense hits, and all of a sudden the house gets quiet.

 

I would definitely check with his teachers to see if there's been a change of behaviour at school. Could he be getting depressed, could he be getting bullied, could he (heaven forbid) be getting into drugs. You need to eliminate those issues right off the top.

 

Find out what the local organized sports are, and get him into the one he chooses. Or, if he's more solitary by nature, music lessons might be better. A martial arts class, or riding lessons; something that focuses on him and who he is.

 

Buy another controller and sit down and play the games with your son for a minimum of 20 minutes a day. Hug him whether he wants it or not. Intrude, noticeably, into his space. Bring snack food.

[n83]

One of my biggest fears.... That my son will withdrawal and hate me as a teenager....

 

That is mine as well.I have fear of falling in with the wrong crowd ect ect,

so tough!!!

 

yeah I hear that totally

 

Keep in mind mikesmom .. that boys often bond while actively DOING things.. If you want him to open up, find some project that you and him can do together. I'm not really sure what kids his age are interested in, but it can be anything: building a bike, models, whatever.. I used to make my younger cousin help me with dinner, and although he HATED it at first, after a while he stopped complaining and was actually starting to learn some things and enjoy it. I also got to learn a lot of important stuff about him and talk to him..

 

keep him busy, try to engage him in conversation, and yes.. limit the time on the playstation.. It will allow him to become depressed and withdrawn if he's just sitting around with little physical activity.