Weird online/offline relationship and breakup/getting back together

[daviepants]

Alright, I'd never thought I would ever need relationship advice (I don't know why.. it just always seemed very strange). I'm 20 years old (young, I know) and my first girlfriend I met over the internet two and a half years ago. If anyone has ever been skeptical of "online" relationships it's probably been me. At the time I lived in Georgia, and she lived in California. We really liked each other and I believe we had the best time of our lives around each other; it was really special and even quite intimate (or as intimate as the internet gets). About two years after we started talking to each other, I decided to move to California (since it so happened that my family was moving). I moved in spite of the fact that I would lose all my friends at College, and that I would be thrown into another social universe. I also had a scholarship that I lost.

 

When I moved to California, I was a complete wuss and very nervous to actually "man up" and meet her. I was so scared, she was my first girlfriend, and it was very difficult to actually make up my mind and meet her (for some reason). Call it shyness; I knew I loved her, though. We were supposed to meet in January 2006, and I backed out with a lazy lie.. she was very hurt but she kept wanting to meet me. From January, she really started to enjoy playing World of Warcraft, and I felt no direct need to tell her she's playing too much. Unfortunately, while she was playing WoW, I was doing other things and not being with her (and sometimes neglecting her thinking that it would give her more freedom). In July, she sent an email to one of the guys she was playing WoW with asking him if he's be interested in starting a relationship with her. She told me of her "unfaithfulness", so to speak, and I was furious. In two weeks or so, however, she came back to me telling me that she cried a lot and that she never knew how much she meant to me. With that said, we finally met in September. I took her to the movies, to the beach, it was overall a wonderful night, and I know she enjoyed it very much. Unfortunately, the next day took an odd turn. We were supposed to meet again, but I slept in accidentally and I stood her up. I still feel horrible about that, and she felt incredibly hurt by me. She has been hurt in the past (by close friends), so I think I just fed the fire. I feel absolutely horrible for what I did. Unfortunately, it gets worse.

 

When we got back, I neglected her for a week because I had a lot of online stuff and real-life stuff to take care of. She thought that was the end of it, and practically threw our relationship out the window. Now, she is pursuing the relationship with the guy she plays WoW with. She plays the game for about 10hours a day, and she really likes him. I tried talking to the guy and all he can tell me is to just move on and let it go. I simply can't do that. I was so angry because of their flirtatious attitudes that I sent out a mass-email with some of her "inappropriate" pictures that she took only for ME (back in the day). I obviously made things worse. When I talk to her on the phone she just says she's scared of me, she hates me, she threw away our relationship, and that she never sees us being together ever again. I just think that if I can meet her once more in real life and show her the real me, she'll understand. I really am a nice guy, and this is the first mean thing I've ever done in my life. I feel so horrible, and my parents are very disappointed in me (I told them the story as well). I am trying to tell her that it won't work out with this other guy (he lives 1700 miles away) and that they won't be able to have the same relationship me and her could (a local one). I don't know what to do. I tried being aggressive, passive, a mean guy, a nice guy. She still answers her phone, and sometimes she's still even semi-flirtatious with me. When I mention that she still could be together and when I say "I know you still have feelings for me", she just blows up and tells me that I turn her off with my aggressive attitude. I've also been very pushy (checking her email, her facebook, her myspace). I would have never imagined myself being stalker-ish. I hate myself. I don't know what to do. She makes me so happy. I know I can move on, and I am trying to, but I would much rather get her back with her.

 

Right now, I am trying to get her to meet me for New Years and spend some time with me on the beach, in a hotel room, etc. No sex or anything, but I just think she has a misconception about me... and that I would truly be the guy of her dreams if I could just prove it to her. I sent her a card in the mail, with two hand written letters. She thought they were "cute" but I don't know whether I'm reading too much into all these tiny little comments. Sometimes I feel that she only wants to talk to me because she doesn't want me to be hurt, not because she is thinking about getting back together. Also, before I sent out the mass-email, she said that it "crossed her mind" to get back together with me, but that now it's not even on her radar.

 

Overall, I made most of the mistakes in the relationship, and I don't think I deserve her. I would love to change for the better though, and I have changed so much, but she just won't even extend a finger towards me. Most people say just "give it time" or just "forget about her". I don't know what to do, I really want her back. She makes me happy, and makes my day a brighter day.

 

Today I told her I'd stop calling, but I can't see myself doing that. I need to hear her voice. Sometimes I feel that she needs me, too.. but whenever I criticize the other guy, she always defends him like she used to defend me. It hurts me so much. At the same time as she can't see how I could be such a jerk, I can't see how she can be so irrational.. I mean a relationship based off of a computer game? Not only that, but how many people actually move cross-country? I just feel that I got the short-end of the stick, and that there is absolutely no way to remedy the situation. She says that she still thinks about me a lot and that it's "awkward" not having me there. I mean, talking on the phone at least 3 times a day for 2 and a half years kind of would do that to you.

 

Also, I can get plenty of girls, and I've had the chance to get plenty of girls when I was with her, but I "saved" myself for her because I thought it would be something life-changing and a once in a lifetime experience. For some reason, I still can't look at any girls or flirt with any girls. I just want her.

 

What should I do? How much time should I give it? Should I bring presents? Should I visit her in person? (She said no several times to that.) At the same time, I think that she is scared of falling in love with me again because she says we'll "end up back here". I am lost. Thanks for all the help, and thank you for reading.

[Magic_star829]

Ok...don't bite off my head here but this is just an outsider's perspective. I'm sure you're a nice guy, and you sound nice (despite actions that some would consider crossing the line and being somewhat obssessive/stalkerish lol). I think what you need to do is 1-Talk to hert honestly from the bottom of your heart, spill your guts out to her once and for all and just be honest and say everything....but don't expect anything from her. Leave it at that. Hopefully that will give you some closure and let her know how you trully feel. Then MOVE ON. I know it might be hard to think of yourself with someone else now...but believe me you will be much happier in the end. You deserve someone who can like/love you as much as you do them and who will not play games with your heart. If she decides after you talking to her that she wants to treat you right and wants to be serious...then proceed at your discretion...if not(which I think is more likely) then cut your losses and start over. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and life is way to short to have a relationship like that. My two cents.

[daviepants]

It's perfectly fine. I would have never seen myself obsess over a girl with such passion, either. It's as if I'm discovering a part of me that I never knew existed. Thanks for the advice. I will call her asap and I'm drafting a little speech I'll give her I guess it's for the best.

[Bethany]

I disagree.

You told her today that you would stop calling now be a man of your word and stand by your word or you will lose her respect, and once a woman does that, she won't ever come back..

[daviepants]

I disagree.

You told her today that you would stop calling now be a man of your word and stand by your word or you will lose her respect, and once a woman does that, she won't ever come back..

 

I did it. And she seemed a bit shocked. She asked me "what compelled you to write this". I don't know whether it was rhetorical or not.. This was my message:

I don't expect anything from you. At all.

I just want to tell you that I'm sorry for what I've done, I'm sorry that I've been obsessive, and I'm sorry that I've been stalkerish. I really do love you, and I want a relationship with you. Overall, I made most of the mistakes in our relationship, but I am not perfect and I will never be perfect. I need someone that can love and like me as much as I do them and someone that won't play with my heart. At the same time, I think you have a skewed view of me. I am not a normally stalker and I an not a jerk, I am very funny when I'm on top of my game, and I hope you remember how cute I can be. I never meant to hurt you, and if you have doubts about that, you're hunting for a reason to let me go. If you decide that you'd like to treat me right and get serious with me then just tell me.

 

I think you're a beautiful girl and a very good (best) friend. I have been too critical of you at times, but that should have never broken us up. I have been too negligent at times, but that should have never broken us up, either. I know you're critical of your parents because of their hardships and their bad mistakes. At least appreciate them for still being together, it takes guts, ambition, and true love to do that. We can see the lack of these qualities in our relationship. As for us being happy together in real life, you don't know if you will be happy, and you don't know if you won't be happy. You've never experienced it. Unfortunately for you, you may never find out the truth.

 

I don't see you as being happy right now (even with me out of the picture), and I don't think you'll be happy in 6 months from now if you continue like this. Look at your life, look at your real life. Look at your real friends. Or lack thereof. I wanted to be your best friend and best buddy in real life. You have been denying me time after time after time. Needless to say, one day you will regret this. I can offer you the best time of your life at the beach, at the movies, and Disneyworld, at a pizza restaurant, anywhere on this planet you could have been with me. You chose [name] over me, and you chose to play games with my heart, not even giving me a second chance.

 

Sorry for my obsession with you, I am a changed man, and I need to move on.

I will cease all contact. If you want to get in touch, you know how.

 

I am just a bit surprised that she seemed surprised.. Here I am again looking too much into it. And this is how the long and hard NC starts.

[Magic_star829]

Wow good job! Sounds like you were honest and sincere. Best of luck in NC and I have faith one day you'll find a great girl

[insofar]

Hmm... I don't know. That you would send out intimate photos of her in an act of revenge speaks volumes of your character. The email you sent seems to be pushing the fact that if she doesn't get back to you she will "regret it"... That she won't be happy if she's not with you...

 

The simple fact is that you can't make someone love you. You can try to bring out the love that might already be there, but if it's not, nothing you say will convince them to love you again.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you're moving on. Work on yourself, and try not to make the same mistakes next time. I'm sure you can change, and perhaps your next relationship will work out better.

[daviepants]

Wow good job! Sounds like you were honest and sincere. Best of luck in NC and I have faith one day you'll find a great girl

 

Thanks. I am just wondering WHAT will happen (and if we'll even ever be together again). But I guess no one really knows.

 

 

[daviepants]

Hmm... I don't know. That you would send out intimate photos of her in an act of revenge speaks volumes of your character. The email you sent seems to be pushing the fact that if she doesn't get back to you she will "regret it"... That she won't be happy if she's not with you...

 

The simple fact is that you can't make someone love you. You can try to bring out the love that might already be there, but if it's not, nothing you say will convince them to love you again.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you're moving on. Work on yourself, and try not to make the same mistakes next time. I'm sure you can change, and perhaps your next relationship will work out better.

 

Like I said, I've never done such a horrible thing in my entire life.. not only that but I removed the photos literally 3minutes after they were sent (they were hosted on my server) because I felt so horrible about even thinking about it.. I just felt so betrayed and that I HAD to give her a reason to hate me.. because she had no reason before. I don't know what I was thinking.

 

Edit: I am also a very spiritual/religious person, and me committing such a heinous act also forced me to take my own beliefs and proclamations into question.

[daviepants]

I'll probably post the updates on here.. especially that I don't have that many people to talk to about the problem. Thanks for the help everyone. Hopefully I get through this.

[in_love]

daviepants, dont feel rotten for making a mistake.

 

WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES AND CONTINUE TO TILL THE DAY WE DIE!!!

 

There aint a single person alive who can say "I've never made a mistake"!

 

Take care of yourself.

[daviepants]

This is an email she sent to her sister.. it's funny how she compares me to him.. like almost proving to herself that he's better.. blah NC is so hard =(

 

 

 

Should I tell her I read it... I'm really not aggressive at all, I just feel like it's a bunch of BS =/

 

Edit: It's also funny how she mentions my name at least like 5 times. Haha.

[Bethany]

No, you shouldnt tell her you read it. You're doing NC, remember?

[daviepants]

No, you shouldnt tell her you read it. You're doing NC, remember?

 

Yep, yep I won't.

[daviepants]

It's been one day.. and I feel strange, but relieved.. I really do miss her voice, though

[daviepants]

Damnit.. I broke NC and called her and she might be meeting the other guy for New Years (flying all the way to MI when I live 2hours away).. I just wanted to be blunt with her and I told that it will be her choice wether she wants to spend New Years with me or with him, and if she picks him, we're probably never getting back together. He offered his apartment for her to lodge in. I'm scared that they'll get intimate.

[Bethany]

Today I told her I'd stop calling, but I can't see myself doing that. I need to hear her voice..

 

This is your problem, it's all about you and what you need. If you tell someone that you will do something, you need to mean it because if you don't your word becomes a big fat zero.

 

 

What about her and what she needs? Is it really so hard to give her what she wants? If the answer is yes, then you need to take a good look at yourself.

 

I get the feeling you only want her because someone else does. Leave her alone or pretty soon she won't even answer your calls. If you keep disregarding her needs, she will shut you out forever and after what you have done, I can't say I blame her.

 

You are her ex and she can do whatever she likes with whomever she pleases and you need to allow her the space to make decisions on her own.

[daviepants]

This is your problem, it's all about you and what you need. If you tell someone that you will do something, you need to mean it because if you don't your word becomes a big fat zero.

 

 

What about her and what she needs? Is it really so hard to give her what she wants? If the answer is yes, then you need to take a good look at yourself.

 

I get the feeling you only want her because someone else does. Leave her alone or pretty soon she won't even answer your calls. If you keep disregarding her needs, she will shut you out forever and after what you have done, I can't say I blame her.

 

You are her ex and she can do whatever she likes with whomever she pleases and you need to allow her the space to make decisions on her own.

 

I guess so. It just hurts that she's meeting this other guy (most likely) for New Years (she's traveling 1700miles) and she's spending the night in his apartment. I just feel like complete * * *, and she is so oblivious. Everyone is telling me "dude, they'll have sex, just forget about her".. I guess I just don't want to accept it.

[daviepants]

Yay, another NC day =p

[Bethany]

Well done

[daviepants]

Well done

 

It's hard. I can't stand knowing that she's flirting and doing this or that with another guy. I am very tempted to check her email, etc, but it would just piss both of us off.

[daviepants]

Yesterday she sent me an IM with "Happy Thanksgiving".. all I said was "yep, you too - have a good one".. she didn't reply with anything else.

 

I don't know why the hell she's still even talking to me =x

[Juha]

OK, just because you are not together anymore does not mean she does not still like you and care about you...In a way when an ex sends you a message on a holiday it shows that they still think about you and in a way makes them feel better that they are friendly with you...

 

Just my 2 cents as I still get text messages from an ex on holidays...

 

Got happy turkey day yesterday from her...whoppee!!!

[daviepants]

OK, just because you are not together anymore does not mean she does not still like you and care about you...In a way when an ex sends you a message on a holiday it shows that they still think about you and in a way makes them feel better that they are friendly with you...

 

Just my 2 cents as I still get text messages from an ex on holidays...

 

Got happy turkey day yesterday from her...whoppee!!!

 

That's interesting.. sometimes I'm very confused because she sends mixed signals (but she denies it).. for now I'm sticking with NC.. at least it makes ME feel better and more calm =]

It's just that I'd like to nurture that "caring" and take it to a stage where it turns into "love" again =/

[daviepants]

Still NC. This is getting a bit easier =]