New therapist is only making me feel WORSE

[GuiltyAsCharged]

I've got some insecurities and depression which used to be more serious. I went to see a therapist and almost every time I left feeling atleast a bit better about myself and even though I couldn't solve all my problems in life I thought that I was slowly making progress. I knew that whatever I would say I would be accepted and he would not judge me. A few months ago the therapist left the city for another job and I was redirected to another counselor.

 

The problem is that now as I'm visiting this new therapist I always leave feeling alot WORSE about myself than I did before coming to him. I first went to therapy feeling optimistic, I felt willing to make sacrifices and admit that I am wrong in some things and accept his suggestions because it would be better for me on the long run. My mindset was that "I am an okay guy, but I have problems in some areas of my life. Sometimes my mind is irrational because of some psychological defences, but I am ready to accept the truth so that we can go on making me a more healthy person".

 

However, this new therapist just picks apart everything I say. I entered the therapy feeling that I had _some_ problems, but he makes me feel like I am totally, absolutely insane. He tempts me into talking about something very intimate and afterwards makes statements like "Hmm...you really hate yourself don't you?" and "I see you have problems accepting that other people are stronger than you. You just can't handle my authority". After that he just sits silently staring at me waiting that I say something else that he can judge. I thought that he would be on MY SIDE and that he would try to help not harm. All the articles about therapy say that it is imperative that the therapist makes the patient feel safe, but this is totally the opposite. I could accept this if he would use this "insight" into how absolutely nuts I am into trying to make me more healthy, but he just does it for the sake of doing it. When after a long argument I finally give in, accept his accusations and ask for advice how I should act/think/feel instead so that I could deal with my issues more constructively, he just looks at me and tell me that "You just want a strong leader to lead you huh and live your life".

 

I want to take responsibility of my life, but it seems that this therapist just likes to point out my problems and then leave me feeling all alone with them. He never answers my questions and leaves me guessing his intentions all the time. Like if I ask "Do you feel this is going anywhere, am I getting any better. I mean should we continue these meetings?" then he only stares at me blankly and says "I see that when you fail you cannot accept it so you have to devaluate me and my professionality instead, always blaming others are you?". Since I could make alot of progress with my old therapist then I'd figure that I just can't be as impossible as this new guy says I am.

 

Really, I don't know what to do. We've made a contract of 80 visits so I can't just stop seeing him. I mean I'm starting to feel suicidial and feel like my mind is getting raped everytime, but now I'm obliged to hear how much problems I have and then pay for it without receiving any actual help. It's like if some company made a commercial "9 out of 10 women find bald men unattractive" and then when you think they are going to sell you a drug that stops hairloss, they instead just say "Sucks to be such a loser huh? It's not our fault that you are".

[BellaDonna]

Part of therapy is empathy and compassion, the other part is confrontational in nature.

 

Sometimes we put up walls and barriers that we are not aware of. Sometimes it's hard to accept another person's perception of us, especially if they try to see through that wall.

 

While therapy is supposed to help give you the tools to improve your life, it may not always make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. In fact, I think a good therapist will challenge you in some way. (Not in a rude or insensitive way- but make you confront or consider things that you normally would not). Even if your other therapist seemed "nicer" it does not mean they could help you better.

 

I think before you throw in the towel, let this new therapist know how you feel. These feelings he is awakening in you could be a part of the healing process, but you may not know that yet.

 

BellaDonna

[dogheadma]

Tell him it's not working out and find someone better even if you have to take a loss financially. You can't put a price on your health and this dr. is doing you much more harm than good. Look for someone who's personality meshes better with yours.

[Scout]

Break the contract and inform him you are planning on reporting his therapy "style" to the state board of ethics. Do NOT let him manipulate your emotions, this is a therapist who has clearly gone into the field for the wrong reasons.

 

His degree does not make him an authority, and he's obviously not good at what he does, or his patient would not now be feeling suicidal for pete's sake!

 

Let me share a story with you. A long time ago on eNotalone, we had a so-called "therapist" that started visiting our forum. She would really rip into the posters, I had the feeling she was a knock-off Dr. Phil with serious delusions of her own intelligence and "tough love" approach. (Wasn't tough love, it just made her feel good to vent her frustration with people.) Her impatience and clear contempt for people's problems got her banned pretty quickly from this site.

 

On the other hand, we have some therapists who come here on a regular basis simply because they love helping people so much, they do it voluntarily here, as well, and are all about empowering people, not making them feel worthless.

 

I suggest you change therapists pronto, and when you interview others, explain your previous experience and ask them what their thoughts are on that kind of therapy. That will give you a preview of whether it's their style or not, and I suspect it won't be as that is NOT the norm.

[FoxLocke]

This is really a double edged sword. But if it helps I can tell you about my experience...

 

As of now I still see a therapist; however, I have been through some doozies...

 

Initially I started seeing a therapist that my mother recommended to me. However, I did not like him because he talked more than I did. I was paying him my hard earned money but he was so busy disseminating advice that he would not shut up...

 

I was going through issues with my sexual orientation(I'm gay), and he basically discouraged me from ever finding a boyfriend, never kissing, and continually told me that any form of a relationship would lead to nothing but catching a disease...He also told my mom that I didn't choose to be gay. It is just a genetic defect...

 

So, needless to say, I only saw him twice. I was trying to build a positive self image and he just made me feel worse...

 

So I went to a new counseling center and specified what type of therapist I would like to talk to. I wanted someone who would listen and not judge me. It was the best thing that I've ever done...

I love my new therapist, and I've been seeing him for over two months. I vent about everything going on in my life and he gives me positive ways to cope with my problems...And when I want the absolute truth he tells me the truth.

It helps that I went into counseling with an open heart too...

 

The moral of my little diatribe is that if this therapist is not good for you then maybe you need to try another. One size does NOT fit all in counseling. Some counselors are more specialized in dealing with certain types of problems than others...

Seek out someone who will be beneficial to you.

 

To me brutal honesty does not work. I think the person disseminating such honesty sucks...I think the therapist telling you that you hate yourself sucked. It is quite obvious that you already have a low concept or else you would not be in counseling...

 

I had low self esteem too...My counselor told me to write down qualities that I loved about myself, and we worked from there.

 

Don't settle. If you don't like this person then you have the freedom to switch it up.

 

Take care and good luck.

 

Edit: On that note, I will say that, in the beginning of my sessions, I would often feel WORSE afterwards. To quote the little troll's wife in The Neverending Story, "It has to hurt if its to heal." In order to get well you have to be sick...I was really messed up when I went in. And I've cried so much in the past few months it is ridiculous. However...I'm glued back together again, and I am a better person for it.

 

Just know no matter who your counselor is emotion is going to rise to the surface when you relive painful experiences....

[chai714]

It seems your therapist has a big ego - maybe he ought to check into seeing a therapist himself.

 

From what you've said about him, it's enough for me to advise you to walk away from him. He seems to not be aware of how you feel or how to make you feel or think a certain way. The job of a therapist is to help you learn about yourself and help you find solutions to feel better about yourself. It seems this guy is doing the opposite and possibly because his ego is so enormous. I say this because he seems to love having so called, "authority" over people. Lose this guy as he is not helping you.

[LostInMyThoughts]

I agree with scout and dogma: while a little slap upside the head is good every now and then, it's time you went and found a counselor who is a better fit.

 

Some people need to be called out, like a straight shooting person. Myself, I prefer somoene who will empathize with me, then give me guidance.

 

Find a councelor who is a good fit with you.

[Scout]

while a little slap upside the head is good every now and then, it's time you went and found a counselor who is a better fit..

 

Yeah, the therapist I used to go to was perfect that way...rather motherly, actually. She was kind and loving, but occasionally would have to call me out...I remember one time I was getting more and more peeved about a situation going on in my life, to the point I started to get a bit shrill as I was recounting everything. She looked at me for a minute and then said, "And do we feel better now after having our little tantrum?" LOL. But there was only just an occasional need for her to do that. Again, she was a wonderfully kind person.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I can tell you that, contract or not, I'd never go back. That's what I'd do, anyway. Life's too short, psyches too easily damaged.

[GuiltyAsCharged]

First, thank you for all the replies. I agree that it would be really difficult to treat any psychological problems without first stirring up the negative emotions, but it seems that my therapist just invokes these feelings so that he can rip on me and provoke me to reveal more sensitive weak spots about myself. Anyone know how I could find myself another psychologist, as I didn't choose this guy..he was just assigned to me from the health care office. Who should I contact if I want a thorough list of local therapists?

[Scotcha]

Therapists are like jeans: not all of them fit.

 

Find a new therapist, one that "fits".

 

If you are at a larger practice you can request a new one.

[turqoise]

Hi, I`m glad you sound like you want to find a new therapist cos I totally agree with everyone else here.

 

When I researched about depression treatments, I read A LOT of blogs where people found therapy made them worse, and advice: it is tricky to find a good therapist, and one that suits you personally. It`s a pain, but shop around to find the one that understands you, makes you feel helped, and with whom you feel totally comfortable with.

 

I went to my doctor, and he referred me to a couple of therapists he thought were good. I also went to a naturopath student (cheaper cos she was practising for her last year at Uni, and great cos lecturers double-checked everything) who helped my depression by prescribing supplements, exercises, and referred two or three different kinds of therapists. I guess you could just check out the phone book or websites, though personally I feel like it cuts down the researching when people recommend people to you.

 

I rang up three of them and talked about 20 mins each; one seemed professional, but was abrupt and put me on hold - I already felt uncomfortable; the second a bit waffly-sounding though easy to talk to; and the third nice enough to try out. As it is, I am following recommendations to not start therapy until the supplements have healed my depression enough as therapy too early on can sometimes be unhelpful.

 

Good luck. All in all, in my experience, the naturopath was the best first point of help, because she not only helped directly and very in-depth, but also referred me to various specialist psychotherapists. The doctor was OK, but recommended much narrower options, and had much less time for me.

 

One more thing. One therapist explained this when I asked - psychotherapy is divided into two general schools. Most therapists follow the school of getting patients to talk and remember past experiences to find the root of the problem. Other therapists follow the school of cognitive behaviour therapy, which is newer, and tries to identify current unwanted patterns of thought, and reprogramme these through exercises. It might be helpful to know which is more suited to you (personally, I was recommended the latter though I have yet to try it).

 

Good luck

[Scout]

One more thing. One therapist explained this when I asked - psychotherapy is divided into two general schools. Most therapists follow the school of getting patients to talk and remember past experiences to find the root of the problem. Other therapists follow the school of cognitive behaviour therapy, which is newer, and tries to identify current unwanted patterns of thought, and reprogramme these through exercises. It might be helpful to know which is more suited to you (personally, I was recommended the latter though I have yet to try it).

 

Good luck

 

Good stuff to point out there, turquise. The therapist I went to followed the cognitive behavior school of thought, and I responded well to that. There is an aspect of depression that results in habitual negative thinking. Cognitive therapy helps you recognize when you're doing this, and gives you techniques to reverse it. After all, the fastest way to change a situation is to change your perspective on it. And that's basically what cognitive therapy teaches you to do.

[Juliana]

Be very careful with cognitive therapy. Talk therapy is pretty much self-directed; you talk, and certain things become obvious to you, and that helps guide your emotions into the open so you can then progress to better health. Cognitive therapy, on the other hand, is much more therapist-directed; you talk about something, the therapist suggests alternative ways of viewing that issue (maybe they're not all thinking you're dumb, maybe you could talk to them about the problem; that kind of thing). IF the therapist is an intelligent person with a good grasp of the possibilities of the situation, they can help you to a good choice for your situation. However, if the therapist doesn't really grasp what's going on, you can basically get brainwashed into thinking anything they consider appropriate. Some people are more suggestible than others, and for those who have poor self-definition and are eager to please, cognitive therapy can be a real danger zone of having the therapist basically cut your life out to the shape they think it should be. Before going into any therapy, remind yourself that it is a partnership, not a dictatorship, and that you have to have the final say about who you are and what you believe, for better or worse.

[Scout]

Yikes. I didn't know that about cognitive therapy. My therapist did help me examine some of my thoughts, but it seemed I got plenty of self-expression time in my sessions.

 

I guess it all comes down to finding a therapist who truly has compassion and patience towards their clients and is in the profession for the right reasons.

[BellaDonna]

Cognitive therapy can be good for treating anxiety disorders though. When an individual has obsessions or complusions, it can be helpful if the therapist does provide most of the direction, and "brainwashes" the person to view thing in a different manner, in order to banish or minimize anxious, paralyzing thoughts.

 

It all depends on the client and the problem at hand.

 

BellaDonna