USA Dating Etiquette

[miserableme]

In the past, I have always been a sex-on-the-first-date kind of girl. This is fairly common where I'm from. Apparently it's not the best way to get guys to respect you in America. Every time I've done that here, it's ended as f-buddies.

 

Now, I just started dating this guy (first date last night). I went to his house and he cooked me dinner, we talked for hours about everything and then eventually came the kiss. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't have sex with him last night. I didn't, but we did end up doing some pretty heavy making out and grinding. He reassured me that he does really like me and still wants to see me again (this weekend, in fact). I know that if I had allowed sex to happen, it would have, BUT he made me feel really comfortable with not doing it.

 

Does anyone think I went too far for a first date? We connected so well and there were no awkward moments. He made all the first moves after making sure I was comfortable with it. I am very attracted to him and I want things to work out. The next time I see him won't be at his house, so we definitely won't be getting up no good.

 

Any tips/advice? Am I doing the right thing here? I don't want him to use like all the other guys I've been with.

[Batya33]

I think in general it is a bad idea to go to a man's home on a first date or even sometimes a second date because if you don't know him well you could be raped or assaulted. Even if he is a respectful man he likely will get the idea that you are open to early s_x or intimacy if you go to his home on a first date and do not make it very clear that you want to take things slow and are coming over because, for example, he wanted to cook you dinner. Even then, I leave that for a much later date - 5th, 6th, beyond.

 

There are relationships that start out with first date s_x including happy marriages. But those are the exception.

[luvursmile]

I agree with Batya33. While some people could end up getting married if they had sex on the first date, I dont think it happens too often. I'm not a man, but male friends that I have spoken to say that if a woman slept with them on the first date, they would assume she's done that before (sex on the first date) and generally would not think very highly of them, and they would not consider anything more serious with them, like marriage, etc. Thay may end up falling in love anyways, who knows, but generally they would not take the woman very seriousely. I would suggest you dont have sex on the first date with a man you are considering for the long term..

[NJRon]

I've always been of the mind taht a guy either wants a relationship with you or not. Witholding sex merely weeds out the guys that don't want a relationship so badly with you. You are likely to get more sex by sleeping with people earlier and have just as many relationships. It's more perception.

 

So, it's not necessarily that the guy thinks you are easy and so decides not to have a relationship with you, but more likely that he never wanted one in the first place. If you are considering someone for long term, I would hold back a bit since you would want to make sure they are of like mind before your feelings get involved.

[Grokker]

If a woman had sex with me on the first date (in fact, earlier than the fifth date) the following things would be on my mind:

 

1) She's probably doing this with every guy she goes on a date with.

 

2) So, it's nothing special to her... thereforeeee, neither am I anything special to her.

 

3) She probably doesn't respect herself very much, may be used to buying relationships by offering sex, might have self-esteem issues. All in all, she could be bad news in a relationship.

 

4) She was good/bad/ok in bed. (as opposed to... she seemed nice, interesting, and a person I'd like to get to know better).

 

5) Well, that's one less thing to look forward to with her!

 

I'm not saying that ANY of these things are true of you. I'm not proud of having made these assumptions either, since when I look at them objectively, they do sound rather judgemental. However, they do spring to a lot of men's minds almost unbidden because of the conditioning they've lived with.

 

So... I certainly wouldn't have sex before the fifth date if it's a guy you're interested in a relationship with. If it's a guy you just want to enjoy sexually, of course, that's fine.

[Honey Pumpkin]

The thing is, I agree 100% that it's not WRONG in any way to have sex on the first date. But it takes me time to get comfortable enough to have sex with a bloke, and what I've found is that if he's really keen on you, he gets even keener if you don't shag him straight away. I don't like playing games, and don't, but my experience is that not sleeping with someone straightaway heightens the anticipation and lust.

But I do know long lasting couples who had sex on the first date, so what do I know?!

[chai714]

I disagree with Honey. It's wrong to have sex on the first date. There is no justification as to why it's right to have sex on the first date. The common "he/she made me feel comfortable, we had a great connection, the chemistry was awesome, etc" cliches don't cut it.

 

On a first date, you hardly know the person. A stranger could possibly qualify as someone you "hardly know." thereforeeee, you're essentially having sex with a stranger. I understand people make decisions, but do they ever stop to think about what they're doing?

[agent1607307371]

And I disagree with Chai. Have sex with whoever you want as long as you take the necessary precautions to make sure you're safe in every way.

 

But if I was going to have sex on a first date, it would most likely be because I think they're hot but have no intention of pursuing anything further. If you want to get into a proper relationship though, it's better to forget about having sex with them right off the bat.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I disagree with Honey. It's wrong to have sex on the first date. There is no justification as to why it's right to have sex on the first date. The common "he/she made me feel comfortable, we had a great connection, the chemistry was awesome, etc" cliches don't cut it.

 

On a first date, you hardly know the person. A stranger could possibly qualify as someone you "hardly know." thereforeeee, you're essentially having sex with a stranger. I understand people make decisions, but do they ever stop to think about what they're doing?

 

I don't think there is a 'right' and 'wrong' about sex, relationships and the whole shebang. If everyone is over 18, not blind drunk and in full possession of their faculties, then it's up to the individuals. I wouldn't judge someone either way, just saying about my experience. Also, it wouldn't be a problem to me if a bloke I liked shagged every other girl on the first date - I wouldn't do it personally, but that's more about comfort levels and my own preference. And I do know quite a few people for whom it's worked out.

 

*Shrugs* live and let live in my opinion, do what works for you, but don't assume that it's the way everyone else should live.

[chai714]

I can appreciate both Honey's and Agent's point of views. I understand why each of you feel the way you do. Many probably share your view and some might share my view too.

[CharLit]

Miserableme, I share the opinion already voiced by others here that if a relationship is going to work, it's going to work: if someone is into you I can't see how having sex with them sooner or later would change that... but obviously (from the othe posts in this thread) there ARE people who will change their opinion based on when you have sex for the first time. I guess the lesson is that you can't generalize, it varies from person to person.

 

 

 

 

Grokker, I don't mean to attack you, I'm genuinely curious and you were the clearest in describing a sentiment expressed by a few others as well, which is why I'm asking you specifically. My question is this: if a girl sleeps with you on the first date, you are obviously also sleeping with her on a first date. Does that mean that all the things you stated then apply to you? I.e.:

 

- you do it with every girl you go on a date with,

- it's nothing special to you,

- you have little self-respect, self-esteeem issues, and are buying your way into a relationship by offering sex (I'm especially curious about that one!),

- sleeping with someone will cancel out all conversation you had with her on the date and you are in her eyes reduced to how you performed in the sack - and you just played your best card, it's all downhill from there?

 

What i'm wondering is are all these things true of you if you sleep with a girl on the first date, or are you applying a double standard? e.g. when you have sex on the first date do you think you both have little self-respect, or is SHE the one with low self-esteem and are you just taking the opportunity offered?

[miserableme]

I think you guys didn't read what I wrote properly. I said I DIDN'T have sex with him on the first date. Where I'm from this is generally fine and most of my friends have had great relationships come out of it, as have I. I was always under the impression that if someone likes your personality and you are attracted to them, then why should they think any less of you? Who cares if I've done it before? It doesn't mean I like them any less, and same for him. I have never felt used prior to moving here. I have never felt badly about a man who has slept with me before either.

 

What I was getting at was, I tried something different. It's clear that Americans have an issue with sex on the first date. Ofcourse I wanted to do it, and so did he, but because of all this no sex on the first date talk, I decided to wait and see what happens. This is very much out of character for me.

 

What my real question was, do you think what I actually did with him was bad (no sex remember)? I don't feel it was, but I was hoping to get another opinion.

 

By the way, I was 100% sure that I was not going to be sexually assaulted. I knew what I was doing.

[miserableme]

Oh my goodness Charlit, this is also what I was trying to get at. The double standard thing. Why should it be any different for men? In my opinion, it goes both ways.

[Grokker]

Charlit and miserableme: of COURSE it's a double standard!

 

If you read the whole of my post, you'll see that I DO address the issue of double-standards evolved as a result of social conditioning, even though I may not have used the phrase itself. As here:

 

I'm not proud of having made these assumptions either, since when I look at them objectively, they do sound rather judgemental. However, they do spring to a lot of men's minds almost unbidden because of the conditioning they've lived with.

 

This isn't an expression of my personal "standards". This is a statement of fact. The OP asked about "USA Dating Etiquette", and like it or not, that's the way a very large number of men in this country think.

 

Are there double-standards in American society? Heck yes! Probably more so than in Europe... it is more conservative than most European societies for one thing, and gender based double-standards have tended to linger.

 

Objectively, I can reject these double-standards...probably most men in the USA can. Speaking from the superego... it's not likely to happen, unless one consciously thinks about it. Now which part of the average man's mind do you think will form the most powerful emotional impressions about a woman he has just had sex with on a first date? His clinical, well-thought-out opinions on egalitarianism, or the quiet visceral warble of his prejudices?

[Batya33]

I have and have had several women friends who are not american and they didn't have sex on the first date nor did they think waiting to have sex was an american thing at all. I think it's just something you and your friends do.

 

Early dating to me is about making an impression, among other things. I want the man to have the impression - accurately - that I am a person of integrity, to be trusted, intelligent and with certain values. One of my values is to reserve sex for serious, committed relationships. If that was not one of my values I would have s_x before the commitment but I would accept the trade off -that a man who wanted a woman who valued sex as something beyond just the physical component - probably would feel uncomfortable about my agreeing to sex so early.

 

There is a double standard for good and bad reasons. The good or neutral reasons are that women can get pregnant and thereforeeee have to be more careful and that women in general get more emotionally attached than men from sex.

[miserableme]

I didn't mean to say it was *just* an american thing, even though that's what I said. I meant that where I'm from that's not a big deal to most people.

 

I figure, if someone is going to have that double standard then I don't want to be with them anyway.

[Batya33]

I didn't mean to say it was *just* an american thing, even though that's what I said. I meant that where I'm from that's not a big deal to most people.

 

I figure, if someone is going to have that double standard then I don't want to be with them anyway.

 

Sure, that's your choice - but consider, since you have these broad stereotypes as in your first post, why can't others make similar generalizations? That is, you generalize that it's fine to have sex on the first date - (have you edited your first post yet?) - but oh... if someone dares generalize about women who have sex on the first date, that is a forbidden double standard and you want nothing to do with it.

 

I would not be happy dating a man who made a habit of having sex on the first date (because of health risks and values).

 

It sounds like you are not confident about your behavior since you posted here. thereforeeee, instead of worrying about the double standard, why not just wait to have sex for at least a few months so that the two of you can get to know each other as people, over time, without sex clouding the brain, and see if you want a long term relationship with him and he with you - that way you won't risk the double standard (unless he tells you he has one, I guess), STDs' getting pregnant or that "icky" feeling or uncertain feeling you have from hooking up on the first date. That's what has always worked well for me since I am your age and younger. It might work for you if you prioritize getting to know someone as a person over having instant gratification/early sex.

[thyroxine]

Batya33, calm down a bit. She just asked for some advice!

 

As for sex on the first date - I honestly don't see anything wrong with it, but I've noticed a lot of people do - vehemently so. A lot depends on the people involved and their mindsets. As I've lived most my life in the US, I can't speak for other countries, but it does seem as though as soon as someone is open about sex in the US that they are immediately considered to be insecure with themselves. While it can be true in some cases, it's not so much in others. And yeah...as usual, I'm babbling!

[dawn515]

miserableme,

 

I don't think what you did was wrong.

 

For some reason, sex on the first date doesn't seem to bode well for a future relationship, though. This also might depend on WHERE you live in the US. Where I live, I think sex on the first date is a bit more common than in other places in the US, and many people I know have had relationships come out of it. I've also lived in places where sex that early on would indeed be very much frowned upon.

 

As always, it mostly depends on the two people involved.

 

If you think that early sex with this new guy might in any way jeopardize things with him, there's no harm in waiting a few dates, though, right?

 

Best of luck! I hope things work out with him!

[joiseygrl]

While I don't see anything wrong with sex on a first date, if I was looking for a lasting relationship, I wouldn't do it. I do have to say that the 2 times I waited at least a month to have sex with a guy I was dating, things didn't work out in the long run. Hey, maybe I should be rethinking this issue?

My last bf and I waited about a month before we finally came to the realization that all this waiting for the "right time" could be "putting the p*ssy on a pedestal" syndrome. All the worry was for nothing though. But I do think you can wait too long in a relationship. IMHO: Sexual compatibility, while not the most important thing in a relationship, can make or break a budding romance.

[Batya33]

I think one can find out if they are s_xually compatible without having s_x - i.e. chemistry, attraction, passion and romance do not require actual s_xual intimacy to know if it is there. You might view it as "pedestal" - I view it as a question of values. I could not date someone who did not respect my values about s_xual intimacy. If to you it is form over substance, by all means, do what works for you!