Tempted to Start Dating Again

[cecerose]

It hasn't even been a month since my boyfriend broke it off with me. (We were in a relationship just shy of three years.)

 

Losing him was like losing a limb (but not quite). It'd be less painful if he'd been hit by a bus instead, because that is something I could comprehend.

 

So here I am perusing personal ads on craigslist and finding men I'm interested in. I know I'm not over my ex and would probably spend most of the time comparing them to him and...

 

Oy. Ugly.

[finewhine]

Meh, it's not too bad. Just don't act on it quite yet.

 

I'd give yourself at least a couple more months before you rebound. I'm a huge advocate of the rebound, just as long as you pick someone who can't get serious about you. Craigslist sounds like the perfect place for that.

 

A harmless thing to satisfy this impulse is flirting like crazy. Go get some impractical shoes, go out and see what happens. This is fun and you don't have to kick anyone out in the morning.

[Jayar]

It's natural. You're driven to REPLACE what was missing. But you can't. Whether you date now or hold off, you'll see that you can't replace him, grieve properly, then be ready in time. The only difference is if you start dating men now you might hurt them as you compare them to your ex and ultimately break THEIR hearts. You know you're not ready to date. You won't be until you realize that you are happy without him... Without anyone.

 

Then and only then would I even suggest trying to find someone new. Not a replacement, but something bigger and better. I also went into a frenzy of first dates and cried after every single one. It didn't feel right. Being without my ex didn't feel right, but that wasn't changing even if I was with someone else. It passes. Trust me.

[blender]

Jayar, is giving you some great advice. Although you are feeling lonely, and heartbroken, it's time to take this OPPORTUNITY to be okay on your own. My heart was broken over a year ago.. and at first I was "desperate" to just go out on a date with someone, just so I could "feel better" about myself, ugh, I was so sad, so alone, so wanting someone to love me and to find the love that I had lost...

 

The gift was,(although it didn't feel like one at the time) was that I didn't go out with anyone, I got a therapist so I could undestand why I was deblitated over the loss of my ex, and the fact that he seemed to go on with his life as happy as can be.

 

I cried and cried over my ex for about 8 months, and during that time, my therapist suggested that I make myself a more interesting person, instead of LOOKING OUTSIDE MYSELF TO A MAN FOR VALIDATION OF MY WORTH.. I should find "myself"... be okay with "me" just on my own... I thought she was craxy and couldn't understand the pain I was in... but I did what she suggested, and didn't seek out a date while I was still so vulnerable and wounded over my ex.

 

I took an italian class, I signed up at a gym, I cried myself to sleep, avoided my ex at all costs, went complete no contact, and then I took one of those cooking classes at the store, Sur La table, I was meeting new people, finding pride in just saying, "I'm single, not dating right now, just getting over a heartbreak, but I'm doing great." Everyone would share their own stories of broken hearts, and then real love found..etc...

 

I found strength, regained my sense of self, found courage, strength and empowerment on being OKAY on my own...and a little over year after the break up, I had "perspective" on how fortunate I was to have my heart broken, how much I learned, and the fact that I lost what I "hoped and thought" my ex could be, but who he actually revealed himself to be, someone who could leave me so easily..well I didn't miss the real him at all...

 

You are worthy of love, a loyal, sexy, committed love, but it starts with being okay on your own, loving yourself enough to take the time to grieve your loss and know that the best is ahead of you, one step at a time, if going on a few dates makes you feel better, than go.. but try putting the "energy" you put into finding a date, into finding YOURSELF...

 

You will get through this... we've all been there, best, Blender

[moonbeam111]

I agree with Blender.

I too took Italian classes, reconnected with friends, and focused on myself after the breakup. I decided to date myself and get to know myself better.

If you start dating right now, you would miss the opportunity to learn who you are and what you want.

Patience. Deep breath. Smile. This is you. Get to know you before you get to know anyone else.

[blender]

Moonbeam, that was a knowing post, a fantastic post, and so respectful, it's the truth.. and we get the same lesson (heartbreak that is devastating) over and over again until we take the time to be strong, independent and love ourselves, find ourselves and then make a choice of who gets the OPPROTUNITY to share the intamcy of our mind, body, soul, spirit... nuture yourself and you will attract the best people into your life.

[insofar]

cecerose, I'm just about doing the same thing you are right now. My girlfriend broke up with me about a month ago, and two and a half weeks in I signed up to OKCupid to just see what was out there, and maybe to reassure myself that there are still people out there. I didn't mark myself as single at the start and still haven't marked myself as looking for anything but friends yet.

 

That said, I am tempted to message one of my matches on there (who, as it turns out, was a friend of a friend, as I previously detailed), but I know it's probably not a good idea until I'm not thinking about my ex any more. When the person independently asked my friend about me and if I was single, she said I was going through a recent breakup and when I was ready, she'd give her my MSN. She understood, and really, there's no big rush for anything. I don't know when I'll feel ready and nobody can tell you when it will be for you either, but if you're still thinking about your ex it's probably not a good idea.

 

Stick in there, things will get better.

[Beec]

Date, get out there and date.

 

But also realize, you are still probably not all the way back together. So, anyone you do date, they are probably only going to be around for a few dates. Think about dating outside your normal limits now. Date the person who is a little too heavy, too short, too hin or fat, too this or too that. It will help you get back on the dating bandwagon, without burning any bridges.

[renaissancewoman101]

Beec, I wouldnt suggest to the OP that she should just date whomever she takes a fancy to, because the people she dates arent going to be around that long. You are not taking into account that she may be hurting other people's feelings, breaking other people's hearts. Being someone's rebound is not a GOOD thing and it hurts, esp if you like that person.

[insofar]

Yeah, as I understand it the problem is that your judgment is impaired after being dumped; you want to get that love back so much that the need to be with someone outweighs the possible incompatibility you might have with them, that you otherwise would have noticed. I may be way off base, but really, you'd be better off waiting until you're over your ex and ready for a real relationship again so you can find someone who does really match you.

[hosswhispra]

My advice to you is to be always extremely selective who you let into your life--especially now. You have some healing to do and you don't want anyone to (excuse my language...but for the lack of a better term) to eff your life up.

 

It's a normal thing to want to fill a void up. But remember be extremely selective who you let into your life. Sounds like you have some healing to do and that's first on your list.

 

hosswhispra

[Beec]

Beec, I wouldnt suggest to the OP that she should just date whomever she takes a fancy to, because the people she dates arent going to be around that long. You are not taking into account that she may be hurting other people's feelings, breaking other people's hearts. Being someone's rebound is not a GOOD thing and it hurts, esp if you like that person.

 

OK, I don't think that because someone goes to dinner with you or on any other type of date that you owe them anything after that dateis over, even another date or a call. It's a date, nothing but a date, be nice and well-mannered while on it, then when it is over, it's over. If one person wants to see the other again, they can ask. If not, then it was only a date. Two people got together, enjoyed each other's company, and that's all.

 

Now, that would also be all there was for sure. No sex, no leading someone on, no going out with them for three months and disppearing. Now, any active dater should not expect more out of their date than someone who tries to enjoy the date and make it enjoyable for the other person. But when you begin seeing someone regularly, when you let them become part of your life, when you become part of their life, then you are treading on dangerous ground. So, set a limit, if the person is defintiely not for you, then you only go on one or two dates.

 

If I only intend to go on one or two dates because I am damaged goods at the moment, then I would pick someone who I would only want to date once or twice. So, if my religion is important to me, I go out with someone from another religion, see what happens. When the night is over, it's over. Done. If I know a guy they mght like, I tell that guy.

 

I am not for rebound relationships. You don't get into a relationship wihtout the idea that it can and may last indefinitely.

[cecerose]

Meh, it's not too bad. Just don't act on it quite yet.

 

A harmless thing to satisfy this impulse is flirting like crazy. Go get some impractical shoes, go out and see what happens. This is fun and you don't have to kick anyone out in the morning.

 

LOL!!!! I'm definitely a "Teva" sandals and birkenstock type, so I don't think that impractical footwear is in my future...but I appreciate the thought.

 

I think some "low risk" flirting is definitely in my future...

[cecerose]

It's natural. You're driven to REPLACE what was missing. But you can't.

 

It's quite the impulse, isn't it? All of sudden you've got this huge hole in your life that wasn't there before. :sad:

 

I've been through this before when I got divorced from my ex-husband 6 years ago. I keep thinking, it should be easier since I've been through this before.

 

](*,)

 

But it's not. I know that dating right now would be the worst possible thing for me. I really appreciate your support and insight...

[cecerose]

I agree with Blender.

 

I decided to date myself and get to know myself better.

If you start dating right now, you would miss the opportunity to learn who you are and what you want.

 

Patience. Deep breath. Smile. This is you. Get to know you before you get to know anyone else.

 

I like that -- the idea of dating myself.

 

Sometimes I have to laugh at myself. I'm 40 and have been around the block more than a few times. I KNOW I had a life before my relationship and will have one after, but when you're in the midst of it, it just doesn't feel that way....

 

*sigh*

 

Thanks for your encouraging response!

[cecerose]

cecerose, I'm just about doing the same thing you are right now.

 

I don't know when I'll feel ready and nobody can tell you when it will be for you either, but if you're still thinking about your ex it's probably not a good idea.

 

Stick in there, things will get better.

 

I know the right thing to do is to NOT date right now.

 

It just blows, you know what I mean?

 

Sometimes I'm very impatient. ](*,)

 

And yes, I'll hang in there -- you too!

[cecerose]

Date, get out there and date.

 

But also realize, you are still probably not all the way back together. So, anyone you do date, they are probably only going to be around for a few dates. Think about dating outside your normal limits now. Date the person who is a little too heavy, too short, too hin or fat, too this or too that. It will help you get back on the dating bandwagon, without burning any bridges.

 

 

I don't know... I don't "do" casual dating well. In this instance, it'd feel too much like I was using that person. Does that make sense?

[cecerose]

My advice to you is to be always extremely selective who you let into your life--especially now. You have some healing to do and you don't want anyone to (excuse my language...but for the lack of a better term) to eff your life up.

 

hosswhispra

 

Very wise and sage advice!

 

I really appreciate the feedback...

[Beec]

I don't know... I don't "do" casual dating well. In this instance, it'd feel too much like I was using that person. Does that make sense?

 

Not to me. I think many people get invited on a date and think they are on the road to relationship, in the U.S. today. But I don't like that. Dating should have two ends in my mind: enjoy the date; figure out if you want another. After five dates, another date may be presumed, unless there is abreakup, but until then, it should not be presumed.

 

If you have been conditioned to think dating is what many think it is, and which I don't like, then I do see how you feel. But, I don't get staying that way.

 

I see little wrong with spending time with anyone, and they should not expect I will want to do it again, until after they get to know me fairly well. I am no using someone by sitting and talking to them for a hour or so. If I knew I truly had no interest, I mgiht have difficulty letting them buy me dinner. And if true and I were a woman, I mgiht limit early dates to coffee or something.

 

I would not romance a woamn, unless I meant it.

[cecerose]

Not to me. I think many people get invited on a date and think they are on the road to relationship, in the U.S. today. But I don't like that. Dating should have two ends in my mind: enjoy the date; figure out if you want another. After five dates, another date may be presumed, unless there is abreakup, but until then, it should not be presumed.

 

I understand what you're saying. It's just the way I'm wired, indoctrinated, I guess. Seeing someone alone, on a date, signals a certain level of intimacy. I've been on plenty of one date, two date, three date dates...so I don't mind that. But dating while I'm in this frame of mind, well, that doesn't feel right -- to me.

 

What's the difference between dating as you describe it and just going to a group event to meet other people? I guess that's what I'd feel more comfortable doing.

 

But I appreciate your feedback -- thanks!

[Beec]

Well, not much, but the level of intimacy is different. You can excuse yourself at anytime, so the group is very different. Ona coffee date for so long as an hour, you need to put in some conversational effort. If you do it and think about doing it well, being a good conversationalist can become second nature.

 

I came to think of dating, when I was, as all being one dates, until I was invovled. That made it easier to think about that date, and no more. And I also tried to see multiple people, until I was invovled. Indeed, I might ask someone for coffee and not tell them if it was a date or not. It was, but leaving it vague was good.

[hosswhispra]

Ah--one trick ponies. That's what I call 1 or 2 time dates. I don't know. I think I'd rather be at home enjoying a movie or reading a book by myself. Conversational effort...not for me. That stuff should come naturally--and it does--but only after you heal.

[Beec]

I know my just dating really did help me get over breakups, if I initiated the breakup or not. It helped my skills at dating and took my mind off of her, if she was on my mind.

 

I never went out though with the intent that it had to be only one date. If I had fun, there could be more.

 

And the work of those conversations, helped me make later ones more natural feeling. I was used to having them. Practice improved performance.

[hosswhispra]

I know my just dating really did help me get over breakups, if I initiated the breakup or not. It helped my skills at dating and took my mind off of her, if she was on my mind.

 

I never went out though with the intent that it had to be only one date. If I had fun, there could be more.

 

And the work of those conversations, helped me make later ones more natural feeling. I was used to having them. Practice improved performance.

 

I read somewhere that men enter the dating scene more readily compared to women after a break-up. I think that there is some validity to that. I am not so sure if that is good or bad. I suppose it depends on the individual.

 

Statistically, (I am touching on another subject) widowers tend to get remarried at higher rates compared to widows. I really don't know if that has any meaning. It's just an interesting piece of data to me.

[poetsheart]

I had broken up with my ex about 6 months ago... had my first date 2 nights ago... let's just say I wasn't quite ready... it was fantastic and I'm glad I went but I realised when I was out that I hadn't healed as much as I had hoped. When asked with simple questions about my ex and past, I had become emotional.. had to excuse myself for a few moment, and at the end of the date when he tried to kiss me.... I froze... i was going to post here about it all but didn't... It was a great experience in showing me that I was ready to move on and meet others but I need more work on the emotional pain I am left with.... hopes this helps. P.S. I hope I didn't frighten him away, he was really nice...