Can the past destroy the future?

[desertnomad]

I am struggling with feeling a bit of guilt lately about some things that I may have said in a past relationship. My ex blames me for everything and I know that a few things she said are true.

 

There were a few times, not many, but a few when after an argument got heated I called her a name. Its not something I think to do ever but when things got crazy there were a couple times that it came out.

 

In the last full year of our relationship that occurred only once. Things were much better the final year for us. And not that she wasn't guilty of it either.

 

Its just that shes justifying everything shes done (leaving, cheating, lying) because I called her a few names or had some crazy fights the first couple years of our 4 yr relationship.

 

There were a few times also towards the beginning when some other crazy stuff went on like a few special things got tossed out. There was never any abuse on either of our parts outside of the verbal stuff.

 

I know I am 100% responsible for my behavior and I feel guilty looking back thinking I may have caused all this as she claims. I was totally committed to her and still feel disappointed in myself for some of the less than stellar behavior at times on my part. Even though in the end she cheated and was the one that was horrible to me and continues to be so 5 months later.

 

Is it possible for a few things said a year before or years before to be what causes a breakup even after things had genuinely improved on a daily basis for almost a year? Or do people need to forgive?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Its just that shes justifying everything shes done (leaving, cheating, lying) because I called her a few names or had some crazy fights the first couple years of our 4 yr relationship.

 

See that bit there.....this indicates you have an emotionally blackmailing woman who manipulates your guilt, which seems to me to be out of proportion. Why put up with that?

 

If certain people will cling to the past and what WAS said way back when, they need to make a choice - cling and wreck their lives, forgive but move on, or choose NOT to forgive and move on, or forgive and stay. But until she grows up a bit, you'll be in this limbo.

[agent1607307371]

I know I am 100% responsible for my behavior and I feel guilty looking back thinking I may have caused all this as she claims.

 

If you know that you are 100% repsonsible for your behaviour, why can't you accept that she is 100% responsible for her bahaviour also.

 

Put down the guilt and back away. If you carry it with you, then it will ruin your future.

[RelaxByWater84]

Agent is giving you good advice. The only thing you can do is to take what you learned from this relationship and use that info to do and not do in your next relationship. I wouldn't let this destroy your future.

[doyathink]

When hurtful things are said, there is no taking it back either.

 

Some wounds are opened so severely that some ppl cant forget it. Even when an apology is offered...and accepted...the pain of what you said may always linger in the back of one's mind. Not saying this is healthy tho!

 

Sure most ppl are able to get past this and move on with life, but there are others that cant forget and move on. Apparently she kept reliving those moments and didn't move on emotionally. But you can! She is gone and you have a life to live. Forgive yourself and learn from your past....

[LONESOUL]

We all make mistakes, the key is to learn from them. She is also responsible for the things she has done~you have to move past blaming yourself. She walked out because she wanted to. You deserve better!

[zz4ever]

There is always two sides to a story too. It takes 2 to break up.

[confused41]

The past can, unfortunately, most certainly destroy the future. I know this all too well... check out my other post for my story. It's different, but in the same way, our crappy past is destroying any future we may have had.

The past will destroy things now if the parties involved aren't going to forgive. I have learned through my own experience that the forgiveness must be sincere and permanent. If true forgiveness does not occur, which it must not have yet for you, the problems of the past will continue to be brought up, and most certainly destroy things.

Forgiveness is possible, and necessary if you want to have a future with her. Forgive yourself, too... and it sounds like she needs to forgive herself and you too.

Best of luck, it isn't easy, but I hope it works out for you two.

[HarleyHunny]

Own up to your wrongs and make amends....It's hard to do, but wow! what a difference it makes.