Snooping vs. Truth

[ILovePasta]

Question:

 

Person A and Person B are in a commited relationship. Person A suspects Person B of being unfaithful so they 'snoop' into Person B's things. Person A finds evidence to support that Person B has been unfaithful.

 

Where does the fault lie? Is Person A wrong for snooping? Is Person B wrong for lying?

 

Granted, BOTH are wrong, but to who does the majority of the fault fall to?

[dogheadma]

At that point it dosen't matter. What matters is getting the problem sorted out.

[ILovePasta]

This is relevant to me, but I'm actually asking this question in a broad scope kind of way. This is more of a general question as I see several people have been in similar situations.

[BornToResist]

I have been person A so my opinion is biased.

 

But when I confronted person B, I didn't care that he said I was wrong. At that point I wanted nothing to do with him, he could put as much blame on me as he wanted and I gladly took it.

 

I think person B is more in the wrong because they WERE doing something wrong. If person A snooped for no reason and found nothing, they were wrong.

 

Wow that's kinda confusing.

[Haven]

Why does it matter who's more "wrong"? Shouldn't you be more concerned with what you're going to do next? Putting labels on past actions won't change anything.

[obscurity]

Person B is MORE at fault.

 

If we shall be technical the about the situation, person A and person B made an agreement to be faithful to each other in the beginning of the relationship. Person B wants to have their cake and eat it too? Its just not the case in this world, assuming its a monogamous relationship.

 

Person A should confront person B.

1. Give B reasons as to A's insecurities.

2. Tell B thats why A snooped.

3. Confront B about what A found.

4. Depending on how much A loves B (and of course their denial/admittance) try to work it out/break it off.

5. A definitely deserves someone that treats them with way more respect!!!!!

[ILovePasta]

Why does it matter who's more "wrong"? Shouldn't you be more concerned with what you're going to do next? Putting labels on past actions won't change anything.

 

It is a question meant for discussion. I am not looking for advice personally.

[Haven]

It is a question meant for discussion. I am not looking for advice personally.

It shouldn't be meant for discussion. The issue of who is "wrong" is so completely irrelevant that it's pointless to even discuss it. That's what I was trying to say.

[ILovePasta]

First off, the question is dealing with where the bigger fault lies which implies both parties are already initially wrong.

 

Second, if you feel it is pointless, please move along to a different thread.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Dako]

I've read threads here with that dilemma, and it's a touchy subject.

If I suspected and confirmed it through snooping, I'd be gone in a flash.

No need to justify the snooping at all.

[Stambler]

Gotta agree with Dako with one caveat...

 

I think in most cases person A has justifiable cause to be snooping in the first place (because person B is displaying signs of a cheater).

 

However, if person A is a snooper due to his/her unjustifiable insecurities, then it's a whoooooooooooooole different ball game.

[birdgirl]

I don't think snooping is wrong if you have real evidence that the person is cheating. You gotta know the truth, and if your bf/gf isn't going to give you the truth, you have to get it somewhere... That's just my feelings on the matter.

[caro33]

I don't think snooping is wrong if you have real evidence that the person is cheating. You gotta know the truth, and if your bf/gf isn't going to give you the truth, you have to get it somewhere... That's just my feelings on the matter.

 

Agree completely. Snooping is not fun, it's not admirable, but in the face of potential serious betrayal and living with lies, it is the lesser of the two evils.

[silentalways]

i would not be upset if my partner checked my emails, etc. if she thought there was something wrong. i would not be upset in the least. hopefully, it would lead to bothe people discussing what is going on because sometimes people, even those deeply in love, 'lose their moral compass' and need a way back from the abyss. in the past i have lied and denied things that i clearly left 'in the open' [because a relastionship is about trust] but i have thankfully discovered the reasons i did those things and am proud to say that i not only 'see' the triggers and that after months of honest reflection i feel i am no longer haunted by those past demons.

[Aurian]

Gotta agree with Dako with one caveat...

 

I think in most cases person A has justifiable cause to be snooping in the first place (because person B is displaying signs of a cheater).

 

However, if person A is a snooper due to his/her unjustifiable insecurities, then it's a whoooooooooooooole different ball game.

 

 

Totally agree. I have nothing to hide, but I would be pissed if someone decides to open my letters or hack my email account for no reason. If the snooper is being completely paranoid, that is also something that can break a relationship. Been there, done that, got the divorce.

[Rabican]

If I snooped and found evidence of infidelity, I would simply say it doesnt matter HOW i found out, it only matters THAT i found out. thereforeeee, it is up to you (you horrible cheater) to make matters right.

[TheRedQueen]

If, and only if, person B is caught lying and being unfaithful, will person A be justified for snooping, and thereforeeee absolved of any fault. In this particular incident, person A obviously had reasonable cause to further investigate person B's credibility.

[bitbit]

i see no problem with snooping. i constantly do it myself and i encourage my boyfriend to do it as well. he says he doesn't need to, but he's got all my passwords to everything and i catch him taking a quick peek in my call logs every now and then.

[blindfold]

it is W-R-O-N-G to cheat... it is wrong to snoop...

 

get it?

[rikka]

I hate it when people go behind my back. I would much rather they confront me directly and ASK! If he is insecure, I would rather him talk to me than poke about in my personal stuff. Even if I have nothing to hide, it is a total invasion of my privacy.

[faydra]

A woman's intuition is usually right. If the wo/man is lying about being unfaithful then, as Mom would say, all's fair in love and war. Unfortunately, at a time like this, the relationship is in jeopardy and coming to the turning point.

[jenjen]

the cheater is at fault! 110%!

[kaligrl22]

Obviously if someone is cheating on you they are not going to admit to it if you ask them. If they were so up front and honest they wouldn't be cheating on you in the first place. So yes snooping is bad however if it confirms your suspicions then it's all on the cheater.

 

I found out my bf (now ex) cheated on me by going through his cell phone and listening to his voicemails. The first thing out of his mouth was "Why did you go through my phone" umm hello why were you putting your D@#% in some other chick? At that point who gives a crap that I went through your stuff, why the hell are you screwing someone else and lying to me??

 

Sorry still a little bitter.

[Northalius]

Personally, I don't think person A is wrong, as long as person A had reason behind their snoop.

 

Just like a police officer cannot be in the wrong for asking a driver to take an alcohol test, since he has reason behind it: the police officer smells alcohol on the drivers' breath, and sees 5-6 empty beer bottles on the floor of the drivers' car!

 

If you give someone reason to think something, don't blame them for acting on that reason... especially when you're doing something technically much worse than what you're accusing them of.

[Northalius]

Obviously if someone is cheating on you they are not going to admit to it if you ask them. If they were so up front and honest they wouldn't be cheating on you in the first place. So yes snooping is bad however if it confirms your suspicions then it's all on the cheater.

 

I found out my bf (now ex) cheated on me by going through his cell phone and listening to his voicemails. The first thing out of his mouth was "Why did you go through my phone" umm hello why were you putting your D@#% in some other chick? At that point who gives a crap that I went through your stuff, why the hell are you screwing someone else and lying to me??

 

Sorry still a little bitter.

 

Going by your avatar, I'm just as baffled as you are, as to why he'd do such a thing... seriously!