Problems with how my boyfriend views and talks about his ex.

[may55]

Problems with how my boyfriend views and talks about his ex.

 

I see her around every once and awhile and she stares me down. Friends of mine and his have told me I am nicer, prettier, and just more stable than this woman, yet he continues to build her up whenever he talks about her.

 

To give you some background on me, I have worked really hard to have a good career and put myself through grad school and I use to model, briefly. I have never been insecure about my looks or my ability to use my mind, and yet suddenly I am! The thing is my boyfriend can never compliment me on these things, or anything really. But he seems to have endless compliments about his ex and I am at my wits end. He makes excuses for her like no tomorrow. What really bugs me is the following

 

• She cheated on him several times, one time with his best friend, and he makes excuses for her like that she was worried they would break up poor her, etc.
  
• She never went to college and is not very educated, yet he tells me how smart she was and is. I never get this from him.
  
• She is a little heavier than I am and has very weathered skin from too much tanning (she's a bit older than me). Yet to him, she has the perfect body and is a "super cute girl." I on the other hand need to get in shape according to him.
  
• She use to do horribly mean things to him all the time and was very violent, especially by making him jealous with other men and breaking things in his apartment. Yet it is not her fault according to him, she was just insecure and had mental health problems.
  
• She stalks him (and I think me) now a bit and will send him inappropriate notes or be mean rude in public. She joined my gym and will follow me around staring at me and giving me mean looks. She just so happened to show up on a vacation he and I were having and walked around topless on the beach. I really do think she may be stalking us sometimes, but in his eyes nothing is wrong and I am being totally out there by insisting she stays out of our lives.
  
• She was always a nice sweet person even though every one of his friends has told me on separate occasions how much they hated her and how much they are glad he met me. They tell me not to dump him and to stick around (mind you I never ever complain to his friends about him, ha ha just to strangers on the internet)!

He is an amazing guy in the sense he will work on something if I present it to him in an non-threatening way. We have worked through a lot of issues in the past and this is just another one of them. I know he loves me and I know he feels he has a catch in me, but I really am getting tired of him not telling me that and REALLY getting tired of this ex girlfriend thing. I am not too sure how to constructively bring this up.

 

So how do I bring this up? How do I get him to listen? He has been good about not contacting her, but she just will not go away. I want him to be able to talk about her, but somehow talk about her honestly rather than with rosey color glasses. Maybe it is just me? Maybe I have the problem. Ugh I dunno! Never felt this insecure before!

[Iceman26]

I understand you want him to feel like he can talk about her, but unless he is referring to some part of his past, then he shouldn't be bringing her up at all, much less giving her compliments..especially with compliments about her body!

 

If she won't "go away" it is because he is not telling her to go away, and maybe he likes being pursued by her after everything she did to him.

[may55]

OK so should i just ask him NOT to speak of her ever unless it is relevant to the conversation? It is not like he brings her up all the time, but whenever he does he is annoying.

 

Also I really hate having to run into her, but i guess i can start just ignoring her and not complain to him about it.

[n83]

I honestly can't believe you put up with any of this. Any guy that wouldn't shut up about his ex would end up with my shoe print on his butt as I kick him out the door. Please re-read everything you've said about this guy and then ask yourself why, if you're so smart and beautiful, you're putting up with him OR her!

 

he makes excuses for her

he tells me how smart she was and is

to him, she has the perfect body and is a “super cute girl.”

it is not her fault according to him, she was just insecure and had mental health problems.

in his eyes nothing is wrong and I am being totally out there by insisting she stays out of our lives

he makes excuses for her like that she was worried they would break up

 

.... but he never tells you you're smart, tells you that you need to get back into shape, that his ex is OK in your lives... ugh........

 

"these boots were made for walkin'"

[may55]

I really want cxonstructive advice. No plans on dumping this guy, he's complicated and to be honest I have never met anyone who is willing to work on himself as much as he is. The key htough is to bring things up in a way that helps him understand. But thanks for the note and support!

[ImThatGirl]

I'm curious - how did she know where you were vacationing?

[Caterina]

I wouldn't put up with that either.

[dogheadma]

You said yourself that you've never felt insecure like this before. That's a red flag. His mental and emotional ties to his ex are his baggage but they are affecting your self esteem. That's something you might want to take a closer look at. Not good for you. It will only get worse if you let it. Be careful.

[rmpavlock]

It definitely sounds like he's still attached. She really shouldn't be brought up like that. Do you bring up past relationships with him? Think of how you would treat him. If it's not something you would do because you know it would bother him, then the fact that he's doing that to you should tell you something.

[may55]

I'm curious - how did she know where you were vacationing?

 

It was a community vacation we went on. So anyone we know mutually could have told her, the thing is she is not part of that community.

[may55]

It definitely sounds like he's still attached. She really shouldn't be brought up like that. Do you bring up past relationships with him? Think of how you would treat him. If it's not something you would do because you know it would bother him, then the fact that he's doing that to you should tell you something.

 

Actually when my ex husband got engaged I cried my eyes out for days. My boyfriend comforted me the whole time even though I know me crying hurt his feelings. I kinda wonder if he uses her to compensate for his own lack of relationship experience.

 

He knows he has to work on giving me compliments. It is hard for him to do, but he knows this and is trying. The problem is why does is it so easy for him to compliment someone who treated him horribly and to not admit that she treated him poorly? To be honest I am sure he does not contact her. I asked him not to and I really do think he respects those wishes. I know he loves me and I know he is over her. And he is not constantly bringing her up, it's more of why is he being soo nice, too nice to his past? Does he feel guilty? Is he using it to keep distance between us? I don't get it.

 

I am catching on that maybe he has low self esteem. I dunno, I am so confused by this behavior and fed up with it!

[Smile_83]

You should never let anyone make you feel not pretty or insecure about yourself. You are a beautiful, smart and talented woman, and you should know that even without the compliments. Yes compliments are wonderful, but if you don't feel beautiful all the compliments in the world will not make you feel pretty. I think in this situation it's important to talk. Tell him that he’s hurting you with the compliments he gives her. It seems like she was manipulative, and still manages to manipulate him even now. How long have you too been together? Maybe he just needs more time to get over her, and be able to let the love grow that you two share.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think the important thing here is that regardless of anything else, she is his EX-girlfriend, and you are his current girlfriend.

 

i would try to just let obsessing about her go, since she is history and you are his present girlfriend, and work on getting whatever you need from him in terms of intimacy rather that focusing on the ghosts of girlfriends past.

 

just tell him to please stop saying how great she was because it makes you feel like he likes her better, and like you are not as good as she is. then don't bring up the subject of her with him again, and if he does bring her up, or she shows up, then just go about your business and ignore her.

 

if he is treating you right, that is what is important, and if he is not treating you right, then talk to him about what you need. you said he seems to try to work on himself, so you should probably try to work on your own self esteem and jealousy, since that can destroy a relationship, even though he is not even interested in her anymore.

[christina2006]

I read what your wrote in response to my post and I appreciate everything you said. It was helpful. So thank you.

 

After reading your post I can say that I really can relate to you. My friends and even his friends have said the same thing, that I'm better then her, but somehow I've become insecure. I've never felt this way with any other person. I believe the cause of that insecurity is the fact that our bf have talked so highly about their ex, that maybe we feel like we have to measure up some how.

Or perhaps when they do start talking about their ex, we feel jealous because they share a bond and memories that can not be erased. But the key is to not let her bother you anymore, because he is with you now. You are 10 times better, and I'm sure you wouldn't treat him as bad as she did. The problem of insecurity is not just your problem; it's also going to be his, b/c you will take it out on him. I don't think your wrong for feeling the way you do, the way to resolve it, is by getting him to understand your feelings on the matter and having him actually make an effort to stop.

 

I believe that you need to talk to your boyfriend about what is bothering you. Don't just wait for him to bring up his ex again. You should let him know that in order for you both to grow and possibly have a future (hopefully that won't scare him) that he is going to need to leave the ex talk behind him. There's no use in bringing up the past. He needs to realize that if you are worth it, which I am sure he does, then he is going to have to make a serious effort to move on from that part of his life, and realize that talking about her is only hurting you. I'm sure if you tell him that it hurts you when he talks so highly of her, he'll come to his senses and try to change that, in order to not hurt you. For me, it took a break down. When I talked to him, I just started crying for no reason…and I'm not advising you to cry; I just was extremely tired of it and fed up. I want our relationship to work and I know he is a great guy, so I wanted him to make a change so that it would not cause us to have unnecessary problems. After seeing me break down, it finally hit him that it hurt. And he didn't want to hurt me anymore, so he promised me there would be no more ex talk or picking up her calls.

 

Just as you told me, his ex is probably threatened by you as well. She maybe has not dealt with the fact that he's over her and has moved on. Perhaps she shows up everywhere because she wants him to see what he's missing out on, and that he should go back to her. But he is with you, and knows you are better. There needs to be distance between them, like not seeing each other, in order for him to fully put her in the past. Anyways, I know this is long, but I hope I've helped.

[caro33]

Same kind of thing happened to me, but in my case his ex generally stayed away from us, it was him contacting her.

 

I agree with some of the earlier posters that you shouldn't feel bad about yourself and you should be receiving compliments, but I also disagree that your situation sounds all that simple and is necessarily a 'boot him out' situation.

 

However I only say that because my husband is the same way and after a lot of my obsessing and worrying it became clearer to me he really was just being a little dumb and that's all it was.

 

No easy answer, but I think that christina is about as right as you can be with this one - talk about it, establish your boundaries. If he refuses to 'get it' no matter what, then you have your answer re what to do: either get used to it or leave. You might find, like my guy did, that he has to make a concerted effort and choice to manage his own behaviour, so that the 'triggers' for your worries are not there as much. It worked for us in the end, but I do suggest tackling this head on asap, because I was a wuss and kind of got upset but didn't set my boundaries explicitly, and all it did was make my own distress greater over time.