What fantasies really mean?!?!

[Trinitea1228]

I am married, going on five years in December... I love my husband more than anything in the world. He is a great man and takes great care of me. In the past year or so I guess our sex life has become routine, because him and I both have been actively persueing new things to do together... curtain fantasies of his have come out that have made me feel uncomfortable and insecure. The thing is that these fantasies that he has are completely normal. In fact I now that pretty much if not all men have the same exact ones. For example, having sex with two women... In fact he has went as far as suggesting or encouraging me having a g/f myself (as I do like woman very much) he has also encouraged the fantasy like idea that we include another woman into our daily relationship... Playfully joking that she could be my wife and live with us... As playful as he makes it sound I know that the idea excites him. The problem? Although I know logically that these are normal fantasies and I know that he loves me I cant help but feel they are hiding some deep seeded craving to be with another woman... I believe that he deserves to have his fantasies like as much as anyone but they make me feel like I am just not enough for him on my own. Everyday that passes since I heard the fantasy leave the safe confides of his mind through his lips and into my heart I have fear more and more that I am not pleasing him enough that one day his need for another woman will persuade him to risk what we have to satisfy his urges. This has become a major problem in my head... To the point that I think about it when we are together, of course the insecurty turns me off. I trust my husband with all my heart, I do... but you are always hearing things.. Like when infidelity occures you more often then not did not see it comeing. Most people when they are cheated on trusted the other and never imagined that such a thing could happen. Even the person that cheated could say they never SEEN it coming. I do trust him, the fear of him leaving me/cheating on me doesnt even bother me as much as just knowing that he wants to touch another woman... It just makes me feel that I am not enough, making me feel that he maybe loves me less then I love him, making the whole idea that we are meant for eachother and had something special a distant confort that I fear I will never get back. It is hard to make love to your husband when you think he is fantasizing about other woman while we are together. I am afraid that this will hurt us in the end, but I cant talk to him about it anymore because nothing gets solved and it only creates a fight because where I am just trying to understand how it does not effect how he feels about me he takes it like I am accusing him of something already.

 

PLEASE HELP ME.. ANYONE... If there is a man out there that can explain in some way... I want to feel close to my husband again. I want to enjoy sex again without pictureing him with someone else. Other then my husband I have always really preferred girls so I dont fantisize about other men otherwise I could just look at as something we both do... but I tried and when I close my eyse my husband is the only man I can see..

Stella

[Beec]

I don't think I or any man can give you more understanding. We just cannot. Have I fantasized about my woman with another woman? Yes. Have I fantasized about a threesome? Yes. But to me this is only fantasy. Men do it all the time. But that does not mean we act on them.

[Trinitea1228]

what is better about the woman your are fantizing about that would make you want to think of her instead of your womanr?

[Trinitea1228]

Do you have AIM or AOL... If I could just talk to another man about it and hear how normal it and ask questions maybe it wouldn help.. Please?

[gattsuga]

i think it's purely instinctual behaviour ,along with how society has smothered our minds with porn and seeing the act of 3 somes. our minds have these images engraved in them.

 

Your husband probably just doesn't realize that you're feeling insecure about the issue. why don't you just talk to him, and tell him that you'd never want a 3-some cuz you think it's disgusting. that should give him a good enough hint to drop the subject. To be honest, being with two woman is just exciting... and he probably fantasizes about it. But it doesn't mean he wants to marry another woman. It's just his hormones.

 

with you being bi-sexual, he might think you'd be up for that kind of 3some, and it would turn you on as well. letting him know it doesn't in a kind way would be easiest i'd think

[california_love2006]

i'm sorry, but i think that's just wrong. Now, if YOU truly want this and are comfortable with it, thats great, do it, but you're not, so your husband needs to drop that. I can't understand how any man could say such a thing, that would kill me

[Beec]

NO AIM.

 

Another woman is not the issue. It's a fantasy. It's not better, it's different, it's taboo, it's erotic.

 

I may have fantasized about a woman making me her love slave, but it's not something I want to happen. However, the thought of it can be erotic.

 

I know that some women have a fantasy of being raped. They may imagine coming into their home, and a man grabbing them and having his way. But they do not want it to happen. The fantasy can be erotic but the reality is not something that is preferable.

 

Your husband is fantasizing, not picking anther woman over you. Indeed, he wants you there.

 

My concern with your situation is not your husband's thoughts, but making thoughts reality. Much like a rape fantasy, but no way near the same degree, the threesome fantasy is not something that most people enjoy when it does happen. I don't think I'd give in to the fantasy. I would really recommend you asking men and women who did do it, before you do it.

[Trinitea1228]

I just wonder why any man gets married.. I mean if one woman is not enough to make any one man happy why be with one woman when all most woman wants is one man?

[Trinitea1228]

I fear that if I dont make his fantazies come true though then I am doing him an injustice... When I married him I told myself I would do anything and everything to make him happy and if I dont go through with eveything he wants then he would feel that he was missing out.

[Beec]

I just wonder why any man gets married.. I mean if one woman is not enough to make any one man happy why be with one woman when all most woman wants is one man?

 

Did he say he was not happy? He has a fantasy. It does not indicate he does not want you.

 

Moreover, you do not and cannot understand the male sex drive. We want our women to be faithful, because we do not want to raise another man's children. But we have less in our genes that is offended by another man raising our kids. That does not mean all men want to spread their seed all over.

[Trinitea1228]

Please dont think I am trying to be rude or bi*chy about this whole in, in deed I am very open for the most part. I am willing to try most anything to please my man. I in deed also understand that my insecurities are founded on a basic male instinct that is shared by all men.. I cant help that hearing these fantasies have wieghed me down with a negative feeling. I wonder how often he is thinking about other woman or if he does it when we are together.

[agent1607307371]

One woman is enough for most men.

 

Your husbands fantasy is sexual in nature so if ever faced with the reality he would probably find it farrrrrr less pleasurable than he had it built up in his head.

 

I know some polyamorous couples who make it work but they all stress that the level of work involved in a relationship increases dramatically and so does the potential for things to go wrong.

 

Gattsuga has a good point about your bisexuality. Some people think that just because you are attracted to both sexes that you will do pretty much anything sexually.

 

If your husbands fantasy makes you uncomfortable you have to sit him down and tell him straight out that it upsets you and make him understand that it is never going to happen and that he needs to drop the subject. It's a matter of respect to you.

[Trinitea1228]

Feeling like the one and only in his mind was a turn on to me and made me feel extremely sexxy... How am I supposed to feel sexy when he has to think about other women? Do men mind if their woman is thinking about sleeping with another man?

[agent1607307371]

Please dont think I am trying to be rude or bi*chy about this whole in, in deed I am very open for the most part. I am willing to try most anything to please my man. I in deed also understand that my insecurities are founded on a basic male instinct that is shared by all men.. I cant help that hearing these fantasies have wieghed me down with a negative feeling. I wonder how often he is thinking about other woman or if he does it when we are together.

 

 

Trinitea, don't apologise. I too have many kinks and quirks sexually but that does not mean that I would do a threesome. Some things just don't float our boat and that's that.

 

Threesomes are one of the most problematic fantasies I think for their potential of undermining a partner and making them feel "less than".

 

Are you sure that he is thinking of other women? I know that I like to fantasise thinking about different people but when I am having sex I am right there with my partner.

[Trinitea1228]

that is what I am wondering.. even when I ask him if he thinks about other women while we are together I know he would not tell me if he really was. it kind of breaks my heart... as much as I love him the thought makes me uncomfortable with him.

[someguy69]

If most women who like women really sat down and thought about it, they'd be smart to want to have a household whereby there were two wives. Likewise, if most men who were entertaining such a scenario, they'd be smart not to even suggest it.

 

He's why...

 

First of all, the man is expected to be the primary bread-winner. Supporting a family with one wife is hard enough (even if she works). Supporting two wives would be even harder, unless all three of you work and are all contributing to household expenses... but in reality it would make more sense for one wife to be a career wife, and the other one to be a house wife... meaning that you'd have two incomes, but another person to support (and perhaps more children to boot).

 

It's also hard enough for me to remember all the special occasions for one wife, let alone two! That would be an extra birthday, and extra anniversary (unless you all got married on the same day, but then you'd have some other sort of "day we met" anniversary), and twice the number of present ideas to come up with... and then the kicker -- keeping everything fair and equal.

 

Then you'd need some sort of sex schedule, because after having all kinds of threesomes, you'd all get tired of it (because threesomes require much more work and energy than twosome sex), and soon there'd be nitpicking over who gets who when, and for what special occasion.

 

Now that we've covered why it would suck for the guy... here's why it would benefit the women.

 

First of all, the balance of power would favour the women. Any time an issue comes up that the woman agree on, the man would be outnumbered two to one -- every time. (Men -- imagine your mother-in-law always being there to side with your wife... every day of your life).

 

Secondly, there would always be someone else who wasn't too busy to help with (or do) the housework, the dishes, the laundry, make dinner change diapers, etc, and always be someone there to gossip with.

 

Lastly, if you didn't feel like sex tonight, you could always say, "go sleep with her tonight".

[quietgrl]

why do men alway try to "force" women into a threesome with a man. Most Craiglist ads are men posing as women and trying to set up a threesome with their wife or girlfriend or women trying to con women into a threesome with their man.What is the deal?

[Trinitea1228]

DAM*IT I just want to feel sexxy to my husband again!!! If I dont it will be the death of us I just know it.

[agent1607307371]

Now that we've covered why it would suck for the guy... here's why it would benefit the women.

 

First of all, the balance of power would favour the women. Any time an issue comes up that the woman agree on, the man would be outnumbered two to one -- every time. (Men -- imagine your mother-in-law always being there to side with your wife... every day of your life).

 

Secondly, there would always be someone else who wasn't too busy to help with (or do) the housework, the dishes, the laundry, make dinner change diapers, etc, and always be someone there to gossip with.

 

Lastly, if you didn't feel like sex tonight, you could always say, "go sleep with her tonight".

 

Dude, did you even read this as you wrote it. If any man expected me to share my house and my life with someone who was interchangeable with me, I'd kill them both.

 

Now when it's legal for me to have two husbands, that'll be a great day...

[gattsuga]

Do you honestly believe that you two NOT having a 3-some is going to end your marriage? I think you just have to get over the fact that even though he fantasizes about an erotic 3-some, it doesn't mean he's in love with another woman, or is unsatisfied with your relationship

[doyathink]

Feeling like the one and only in his mind was a turn on to me and made me feel extremely sexxy... How am I supposed to feel sexy when he has to think about other women? Do men mind if their woman is thinking about sleeping with another man?

 

I know exactly what you are saying here! This subject almost ruined my marriage (other women). I have a real hard time enjoying sex with him now because I cant get the images of what he looks at and talks about out of my head. You cant take back what has already been said! Thats just it! Don't ppl realize the damage is done once something like this has gottin out in the open? It's really hard to forget when your partner tells you they would like to see/do another person!

 

It was a huge turn on for me as well, to think I was the only one who he fantasized about...then I found out differently and it's never been the same since. After a while, you learn to just live with the feeling or ...if you can't get over it,....you leave. I know not every man out there is like this..PERIOD! I have never had this happen to me before now (that I knew of). In past relationship, I was never made to feel this way, but I found out too late...after a couple of years of marriage.

 

I think everyone has a fantasy or two, but when it's uncovered, it hurts. This sort of thing should not RULE a persons life either.

 

I don't know what to tell you to help you but....I know a wonderful man here at ENA that has helped me soooo much. If you would like to see if he can help you, pm me and I will give you his name.....good luck to you.

[Juliana]

I'm sorry, I think this is hilarious. Every single time I have ever heard of a guy trying this with his wife (three different couples, to be exact), the woman went completely lesbian, and left her husband for the "other woman." So yeah, I'm laughing. Guys are dumb.

 

No, you do not have to make his every fantasy come true. Have a big fight with him over this; it's made you feel devalued. If you have a fight, defend your own right to have an equal say in what happens in your married sex life, you'll feel better.

 

You do not have to sleep with another woman to please your husband. That is absolutely bizarre. You do not have to do anything with your body to please your husband. Sex is a cooperative thing; what you're talking about is starting to sound coercive. Like you think you'll lose him if you don't. Ick.

[someguy69]

Dude, did you even read this as you wrote it. If any man expected me to share my house and my life with someone who was interchangeable with me, I'd kill them both.

 

Now when it's legal for me to have two husbands, that'll be a great day...

 

Did you read what you wrote?

 

Having two husbands would only be good if you manage to have them both treat you like you were queen.

[agent1607307371]

Exactly. It's just not realistic. The more people in a relationship, the more drama.

[doyathink]

I think your husband needs to look at it from a different POV! What would he say if you told him you would like to invite another man into your bedroom?