Asked her about ever trying a threesome..big mistake

[canonman]

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[melrich]

I think I just need to base my feelings for her on who she is now and not what she's done in the past.

 

I think that is right. I mean a person's past does go to make up who they are but everyone has things in their past that maybe they would not do again. I think in the case of your g/f you should try and look at the fact that she is so honest with you and love that about her.

 

You'll never find someone who's past does not have something in it that you are not comfortable with.

[someguy69]

Get her to have a threesome with you and another girl, and then you should both feel that things are a little more evenly balanced.

[shes2smart]

You'll never find someone who's past does not have something in it that you are not comfortable with.

 

...and the older you get, you realize the proper question to ask is NOT "Do they have baggage?" but "Does their baggage match or compliment MINE?"

 

You answered your own question in the last line of your post:

I think I just need to base my feelings for her on who she is now and not what she's done in the past.

 

Personally, I think anything beyond health status information, what someone did sexually before meeting you is a strictly off-limits topic of discussion. I've seen too many threads here that are similar to yours -- a person having problems dealing with some sexual thing their current partner did in the past....from specific acts to number of former partners. I'm really convinced that no one should offer up or ask for that kind of information beyond what you need to know for health reasons (HIV/STD status, date of last test, etc) or things you would need to know for mental health reasons (like a past rape, f'rinstance). Any more info that that usually causes more problems than it solves. It seems most people cannot handle or process that information if it is different from what they think it should be.

[canonman]

wow, thanks for your replies. Shes2smart you are right.

[Siriana]

The fact that she was raped anally a few years before by another stranger (in his hotel room), didn't seem to scare her away from this behavior.

weird.

 

What does she thinks about having threesome today if the oportunity occures? What do you think about having threesome if the oportunity occures?

 

Ignore what she was thinking back than about it, it is important how she feels now - I guess she's not into it while with you.

 

What about her self esteem? Is she self ashured?

[canonman]

original post deleted.

[TiredMan]

If you do care for her, then you are right you have to look at her for who she is now.

 

That being said, I don't blame you for having those thoughts. I would personally feel the same exact way and possibly worse. But that's me. You might feel differently.

[canonman]

No, I don't have any desire for that. I'm a one woman kinda guy! Besides, that is something you see in porn videos, and I'm more interested (and she is too now) in having a loving relationship.

[Siriana]

Well than give it a shot - and if in several months you feel shure she's great and it was her past, and that you're in loving relationship just forget about it.

 

I wouldn't be thirlled in your positon too - but if I felt shure after some time that my partner is now only about me - I would let go. For that you need more time - to see how you get along. I think it is still to early to judge her. Give her a chance

[wayne]

Here's my problem. I can't get the mental image out of my brain. It has affected how I view her. She is such a great young woman, and I am becoming very close to her. My concern is that she seemed to just tell the story with no regrets. It wasn't until after she saw how shocked I was, that she finally told me that she regrets it and it was a stupid thing to do. The fact that she was raped anally a few years before by another stranger (in his hotel room), didn't seem to scare her away from this behavior. We met for lunch today, and she cried and I cried. I think I just need to base my feelings for her on who she is now and not what she's done in the past.

 

First of all, why should she have regrets? Why should she have so much regret that she's unable to tell the story calmly and cooly?

 

Because it was dangerous? Lots of people have taken stupid risks in the past. Because it was "slutty"? She was single (I assume), and should not have to answer to anyone for her sexual activities while she is not in a committed relationship, and again lots of people do lots of sexual things with various people before they meet "the One". If he shows up.

 

This seems to be a recurring theme around these parts... guys meet a girl that is perfect in every way, and then decide that she's not so perfect when they truly understand the full meaning of "she was not a virgin when she met me".

 

This worries me. I don't want to go back to a world where women are supposed to pretend that they don't even like sex, much less find it hard to put off having it for a dozen years while they're waiting for "the One" to finally show up, or marry Mister Right Now just out of high school because she can't stand abstinence any longer and then slowly grow to hate him. I don't want to go back to a world where men feel free to treat a woman who refused to behave like a nun during her single years as less than human, and other men and even other women reinforce this attitude.

 

Why does this sort of world appeal to anybody? Why is this attitude considered even the slightest bit reasonable by anyone?

[BornToResist]

This goes right under the lines of "If you don't want to know, don't ask."

 

What has happened in her past is strictly her business. I can see that you feel bad about judging her about it, but just realize that what she has been through and all her experiences molded her into the person she is today. The person that you care about.

 

If she hadn't gone through these things in her life, she could possibly be in an entirely different place right now, and never would have met you.

 

Just try to accept who she is, past and all, and just let it go. It really isn't worth destroying your relationship over in my opinion.

 

But I do think it is a great thing that she feels she can be so open and honest with you.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Agree with the above posters - it's good that she felt she could be open and honest with you. However, I've ALWAYS practised the 'don't ask, don't tell' about my past and their past. Especially my past - I don't think much good can come of talking about your past sex life, to be honest. I know I would get jealous, and it would be irrational. I go down the line of discretion, otherwise you can end up torturing yourself and him with things that CANNOT be changed. Especially when it comes to sexual adventures. You were right in your last line, that you should accept where you both are right now.

 

Good luck - sounds like you have a good connection!

[itsallgrand]

I'd be most concerned about her past sexual abuse influences her life today.

 

She may be a wonderful woman, and it is great there is a connection and honesty.

 

But has she dealt with that serious issue? Will it affect the relationship you are building now in destructive ways?

 

I'm all for supporting a partner through tough stuff, but in the early stages, I do think it is intelligent to consider 'is this person ABLE to be in a relationship right now?'

 

Her quick release of very, very personal information would cause me to start. Is it 'blurting'. Her past history of putting herself in dangerous situations and showing a horrible lack of judgement would cause me to pause, too.

 

Just a few things to consider. Sounds smart to base your impression on who she is now, but the reality is...people do tend to repeat behaviors. So, do you think she has worked through all that...or is she still demonstrating poor judgement which would be a factor of Now and your future relationship together....

 

Good luck and best wishes.

[canonman]

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[canonman]

original post deleted

[holyohio]

This seems to be a recurring theme around these parts... guys meet a girl that is perfect in every way, and then decide that she's not so perfect when they truly understand the full meaning of "she was not a virgin when she met me".

 

I think "being gangbanged by two total strangers she met hours before in a hotel room" and "not being a virgin when she met me" are two very different beasts, friend.

[TiredMan]

Please, I'm not saying Im upset she's not a virgin. Or that she's had sex before. I don't want to go back to a world you describe either.

 

I'm sure those two guys talked later, not about how sexually mature and self-aware she was, but how she turned out to be such a *hore and wasn't it their lucky night. I think they used her.

 

Maybe this is a pride thing for me too.

 

I completely understand what you are trying to say. This is exactly the reason why I want details of any partner's sexual past. For me personally, it's a dealbreaker. If I was married for 25 years and I found certain things, I would leave her instantly.

 

But you seem to want to move past this but you are fighting your feelings and it's honestly a tough situation. I would be thinking the exact same things as you.

 

So I guess you have to ask yourself "can i forgot or move past this?" If you do not believe you can or want to, then I think the decision is right there. But if you think you can move past this, then I think you need to just keep being open with her about how you are feeling. Some might feel that it's not fair to her if you do that but if you keep it inside, resentment builds.

[Batya33]

I think it was silly and tacky of her to tell you details of any of her past sexual experiences in the name of "honesty" - that's not being honest, it's over-sharing, manipulative and inconsiderate of your feelings. She should have done anything possible not to tell you.

 

That particular experience would bother me a lot because I would not want to date a person who would have sex with a stranger - let alone two strangers - in the name of experimentation (different if it happened as a teenager but as an adult it would make me very uncomfortable and concerned that we didn't have compatible values - and I would see the person as thoughtless and tacky for choosing to share it with me).