Dilemma: Should I see dumper?

[arrrrffff]

My gf of 3 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I still love her, and do want her back although I have let her go, and respect her space. I'd be lying if I told you memories don't torture me throughout my day.

 

Our relationship was great. We didn't fight, we'd be laughing, and had a great time. However, my mother passed away last month after a 5 year bout with cancer, and I became an emotional wreck. I became pessimistic, needy, and just plain annoying to her. I'd message her, text her, call her and show up after class and at her house unannounced all the time which was too much although she said it was okay to do that when I asked her. So I became the depressed guy around her, and it drained alot out of her school study time. I didn't give her her space.

 

She stated she wanted to be single, and doesn't see me in her future. She said she is noticing other guys, and wants to try new things. She sees me as just a friend, even though she said that I am the perfect bf, that I've been doing nothing but make her happy, and she knows if we were to stay together she'd be happy and safe with me, etc... So her breaking up with me after 3 solid years came as a shock to me. How could she say these things and give up what we had together? I understand she wants to try new things, so I respect that. She says, if our relationship was perfect, she wouldn't be noticing other people. This is so confusing. I thought in a relationship, a couple discusses things and works things out. I thought, yes, I have been really emotional lately because I lost the girl of my life (my mom), and I thought (any my friends and family also thought) that your suppose to be there and understand I am like this because I'm trying to get over a death. But she just couldn't take it. She also isn't ready to settle down.

 

There this 28 year old that has been flirting with her at school (who's NOT single btw). There's also a 26 year old lab aide who she likes, but doesn't see any possibility between the 2 of them. Shes 18!!! I have no clue what she is trying to do.

 

I've made just about every mistake there is including: begging and pleading that I've changed a week after & showing up drunk last weekend on her bedroom floor just out of the blue @ 6am (I have never drunk in my life before that). I try to be happy, and do well in school, but this week I have absolutely no motivation. I've missed 3 days of school already, and I can't get her off my mind. I've cried HEAVILY, talked to a counsellor, friends (I made the mistake of even calling HER friends, which are also mine), etc...

 

So I've seen her once a week after the breakup. I do want to do NC although things just keep happening.

 

Question: Her friend (also mine) is having a birthday party this weekend. I said I'd attend. Well if I am to maintain any sort of NC, I can't go right? Else, it would mean I have seen her for the 4th consecutive week. I want to do NC until at least the end of December so I can heal. I mean I can see myself having a great time, and be the guy that she loved, but at the same time I don't want to be in her life that much.

 

Also, I am signed up for a ski trip in January 2007, that we signed up together with 10 other friends before we brokeup. Is it wise to go to this?

 

I plan to just say I am busy those days and leave it at that. I am focusing on my life right now, and making myself happy as hard as it is. I'll let her make the next move.

[fIIsion]

Firstly my sincere condolence with regards to your mother passing away, this must be a very hard time for you, made even worse by your recent breakup.

 

From reading your post I sense that you have put much of the blame of your breakup, on yourself, your emotional state putting a strain on your relationship.

Your mother just passed away, of course your going to be an emotional wreck and be depressed, a time when you would expect the support of your friends/family and particulary loved ones.

 

As cliche as this sounds, your ex is young, starting to want to try different things, hence looking at other guys and has probably questioned her feelings for you for a while. She doesn't want to get tied down at an age where she wants to spread her wings.

 

Best advice at this stage is to go NC, give yourself time to heal not only from your breakup but the passing of your mother as well.

 

Best to steer clear of mutual friends for a while as well, no good hearing about whom she's seeing, etc.

 

Sorry that you are going through this, friends(your friends) and family are your best allies.

[BONO]

Firstly my sincere condolence with regards to your mother passing away, this must be a very hard time for you, made even worse by your recent breakup.

 

 

 

I fully agree, sorry to hear that.

 

 

A period of NC ( Read Majord23- NC The Guide) might focus your emotions right now.

 

We are all here - so keep posting.

 

 

 

 

Scruff

[arrrrffff]

Thank-you for all the replies.

 

I really am backed into a wall here. Another one of her friends has invited me to her birthday party in 2 weeks. So I have 2 mutual friend birthdays which I am not planing on attending. If this keeps going on, I am going to sound like (well I will be) a pretty busy guy or one that is trying to avoid her at all costs, but I fear I will lose them by being disrespectful. If I keep avoiding events involving my ex., I am afraid I might be excluded from all other functions in the future.

 

I don't want to tell them the truth that "I'm not comfortable with her there, and I need to give us 2 space," because it will eventually get to my ex's ears all convoluted.

[majord23]

If this keeps going on, I am going to sound like (well I will be) a pretty busy guy or one that is trying to avoid her at all costs, but I fear I will lose them by being disrespectful. If I keep avoiding events involving my ex., I am afraid I might be excluded from all other functions in the future.

 

....or your friends may understand that you're going through a rough time at the moment and cut you some slack.

[vesper]

Thank-you for all the replies.

 

I really am backed into a wall here. Another one of her friends has invited me to her birthday party in 2 weeks. So I have 2 mutual friend birthdays which I am not planing on attending. If this keeps going on, I am going to sound like (well I will be) a pretty busy guy or one that is trying to avoid her at all costs, but I fear I will lose them by being disrespectful. If I keep avoiding events involving my ex., I am afraid I might be excluded from all other functions in the future.

 

I don't want to tell them the truth that "I'm not comfortable with her there, and I need to give us 2 space," because it will eventually get to my ex's ears all convoluted.

 

yeah....im also sorry to hear about the death in your family, my condolences....I would say you should avoid any function where your ex will be present. Its tough I know.... best of luck to you.

 

oh and the ski trip sounds fun! definitely go on the ski trip. xxx hugs.

[arrrrffff]

oh and the ski trip sounds fun! definitely go on the ski trip. xxx hugs.

 

So the party today sounds SO fun!!! I hear there will be like 40 people. However, I am avoiding it. Same goes for next weeks dinner.

 

Really? Go on the ski trip? The deadline is this month, and she already paid my $100 deposit before we broke up. I know it's far away, but I think I would only have her on my mind all the time even though there would be alot of people.

[vesper]

I want to do NC until at least the end of December so I can heal.

 

Also, I am signed up for a ski trip in January 2007, that we signed up together with 10 other friends before we brokeup. Is it wise to go to this?

 

re-ski trip....I thought you said that you were already signed up, i did not realize that you had an option to back-out. if you still can change your mind I would say you shouldnt go . **sigh. (skiing is fun ) oh well. its what you have to do....

 

oh! well sometimes we all have to stay home when the world is partying without us, ya know??? those are the best times sometimes....

xxx hugs

[renaissancewoman101]

I dont think you should avoid all the activities because it would make it seem like you are avoiding her because you are afraid of her or afraid of your feelings. It could make you look bad.

 

If I were you, I would go to your friend's party and avoid her if she is there. That way you are not alienating your friends and still doing NC with her.

 

No need to be that drastic. And if you like skiing, I would tell you to go on the ski trip and just hang out with your friends.

 

No need to change your life completely around to avoid her because SHE dumped you. It makes it seem as if she has the upper hand.

[arrrrffff]

Yes, you do make sense. I didn't see it like that. So I'm doing NC but there's still contact. Right now, she has so many guys hitting on her, and it seems like she likes that. It makes me feel so unwanted and forgotten.

 

However, I have come to a realization that I have done nothing wrong in this relationship. It was her. I provided for her, was always there whenever she needed it whether it'd be for her family or herself, loved her, and treated her with respect. So I really shouldn't be the one trying to win her back. She will have to show me that she cares if she ever wants me back.

 

Yes, I can back out of the ski trip as with most 'fun' functions. However, the price of the condo did have a special rate for 11 people, so if I back out I'd probably screw them all over, although I'm pretty sure they could find a replacement.

 

How is she going to miss me if I keep appearing in her life? I thought maybe it was destiny that out of the blue I get a chance to see her every week (which has presented itself), but I'm staying far from her at the moment.

 

It actually kinda sucks as I am here studying at home, while she is out there probably having a blast, dancing the night away at some multimillion dollar casino resort. It's so hard to NOT imagine her with someone else. I mean, if she had a guy for that ski trip in January, it would just be too much for me (right now anyways).

 

I'm so confused because there are threads about 100% dropping off the face of the earth NC, LC, and avoid her at all costs even if shes around at the same event NC. I was NEEDY, so wouldn't it be a bad idea to see her at all? She doesn't get the fact that people who lost their moms don't act a lil' 'not themselves' afterwards. I can't believe I still want her back, even though my friends and you guys emphasize that a girl whos not there for you in these times of need, shouldn't even be worth my time. I love her so much still, and I forgive her for all this pain. :S